For decades, Will and Jada Pinkett Smith were the epitomai of Black love due to what looked like a successful marriage, a beautiful family, and their constant support of one another. Social media was filled with #couplegoals memes of the actors and even J. Cole said he wanted “that Jada and that Will love” in his song “No Role Modelz.”
But like most celebrity couples, they were plagued with rumors like having an open marriage. However, over the last few years, the public perception of their marriage changed. The couple individually became more vocal about their relationship thanks to Jada’s popular Facebook Watch series Red Table Talk and Will’s self-titled memoir and the once pedestal that fans put them on was knocked from under their feet and they began to face back-to-back criticism.
The first shocking moment was when Jada admitted she had an “entanglement” with singer August Alsina after he revealed their relationship in an interview with Angela Yee. Jada continued to face backlash for other comments she said about her and Will’s relationship on her show. And then it was Will’s turn. The King Richard star’s memoir made several revelations about his and Jada’s relationship that many fans were becoming exhausted by them and there was even a petition started to stop the couple from sharing so many intimate details about their lives.
The #couplegoals memes quickly became jokes about their relationship. However, the couple still received support from others who applauded them for their authenticity. No relationship is perfect and after 25 years of marriage, it should be no surprise that they have dealt with a lot of ups and downs.
Ron Wolfson/WireImage via Getty Images
But one takeaway from their nontraditional marriage is that they each allow the other person to have the freedom to be and do what they want. They also love each other no matter what, giving a new meaning to the viral clip “I’mma stick beside him/her.”
Here’s everything Will and Jada said about their marriage.
In an interview with Gayle King for 'CBS This Morning,' Will dismissed the notion that there was infidelity in their marriage.
"There's never been infidelity in our marriage. Never. Jada and I talk about everything, and we have never surprised one another with anything ever," he clarified to Gayle.
Jada dispelled rumors about having an open marriage.
"Should we be married to individuals who can not be responsible for themselves and their families within their freedom? Should we be in relationships with individuals who we can not entrust to their own values, integrity, and LOVE...for us??? Here is how I will change my statement...Will and I BOTH can do WHATEVER we want because we TRUST each other to do so. This does NOT mean we have an open relationship...this means we have a GROWN one."
The “Fresh Prince” opened up about their unconventional marriage and unconditional love for one another in an interview with GQ.
"The pursuit of truth is the only way to be happy in this lifetime. And we sort of came to the agreement that authenticity was the release from the shackles of fame and public scrutiny."
"Jada never believed in conventional marriage. Jada had family members that had an unconventional relationship. So she grew up in a way that was very different than how I grew up. There were significant endless discussions about what is relational perfection? What is the perfect way to interact as a couple? And for the large part of our relationship, monogamy was what we chose, not thinking of monogamy as the only relational perfection."
Kevin Winter/Getty Images
"We have given each other trust and freedom, with the belief that everybody has to find their own way. And marriage for us can't be a prison. And I don't suggest our road for anybody. I don't suggest this road for anybody. But the experiences that the freedoms that we've given one another and the unconditional support, to me, is the highest definition of love," he said via GQ.
Jada also spoke of not wanting a conventional marriage.
“I knew that I was not built for conventional marriage. Even the word ‘wife’: it’s a golden cage, swallow the key. Even before I was married, I was like, ‘That’ll kill me.’ And it damn near did!”
“Will is my life partner and I could not ask for a better one. I adore him, I never want people to think it was Will I didn’t want to marry,” she told the outlet. “But I can assure you that some of the most powerful women in the world feel caged and tied, because of the sacrifices they have to make to be in that position. So I wanted to talk about how we really feel about marriage.” via The Guardian.
In an interview with Oprah, Will discussed the importance of him and Jada finding happiness on their own.
“People only think of things in terms of sex… But the goal [of our marriage] is not a sexual goal. It’s spiritual. We are going to love each other no matter what.”
“To this day, if we start talking, it’s four hours. It’s four hours if we exchange a sentence. It’s the center of why we’ve been able to sustain and, you know, and why we’re still together, not choking the life out of each other. It’s like the ability to work through issues. I’ve just never met another person that I connect with in conversation more blissfully and productively than Jada.”
“We never actually like officially separated. Right? What happened was that we realized that it was a fantasy illusion that we could make each other happy. And we agreed that she had to make herself happy and I had to make myself happy. And then we were gonna present ourselves back to the relationship already happy. Versus demanding the other person fill our empty cup.”
Carlos Alvarez/Getty Images
“The problem is that when you come [broken] like that, the cup actually has a hole in the bottom. So you pour all your good love in there and it goes out onto the floor… You got two broken people and that’s what we’re doing. We just decided that you have to figure out how to be happy, you know? And it was a little bit more contentious from my side. I was like, ‘You know what, you go figure it out. You go figure out if you can be happy and just prove to me it’s even possible.’ I’ma do me and you do you.”
“The simple idea [of loving in freedom] is, you love in freedom with everybody except your partner, right? Your kids are gonna go off to college and you’re going to wait for them to come back and they might not be able to come back this Christmas, and you know, you let them go. Your friends–there’s a certain fluidity in your interactions, right? It’s…it’s friendship versus marital prison." via The Oprah Conversation on AppleTV+.
Jada talked about needing freedom in her marriage to Will.
“I just felt like, I needed more freedom. And freedom in the sense of like … the public wants you to be a certain way, your family needs you in a certain way, your partner needs you to be something. And for me, that just was never … I’m really a free spirit at heart, I really am. And I always have been. And I just felt like my life had got constricted into this little box and it was strangling me, basically.” viaEntertainment Tonight.
Jada further explained her views on open marriage and why she and I Will aren't in one.
“Open marriage? Let me first say this, there are far more important things to talk about in regards to what is happening in the world than whether I have an open marriage or not. I am addressing this issue because a very important subject has been born from discussions about my statement that may be worthy of addressing.”
“The statement I made in regard to, 'Will can do whatever he wants,' has illuminated the need to discuss the relationship between trust and love and how they co-exist. Do we believe loving someone means owning them? Do we believe that ownership is the reason someone should 'behave'? Do we believe that all the expectations, conditions, and underlying threats of “you better act right or else” keep one honest and true? Do we believe that we can have meaningful relationships with people who have not defined nor live by the integrity of his or her higher self? What of unconditional love? Or does love look like, feel like, and operate as enslavement? Do we believe that the more control we put on someone the safer we are? What of TRUST and LOVE?”
Jeffrey Mayer/WireImage via Getty Images
“Should we be married to individuals who can not be responsible for themselves and their families within their freedom? Should we be in relationships with individuals who we can not entrust to their own values, integrity, and LOVE…for us???Here is how I will change my statement…Will and I BOTH can do WHATEVER we want because we TRUST each other to do so. This does NOT mean we have an open relationship…this means we have a GROWN one.” via Facebook April 2013
Will’s memoir gave insight into the time they were separated.
“Our time apart had helped us both to discover the power of loving in freedom. We are simultaneously one hundred percent bound together, and one hundred percent free. We agreed that we are both imperfect people, doing our best to figure out how to be in this world joyfully.”
Jada opened up about trust in their relationship.
"You gotta trust who you're with, and at the end of the day, I'm not here to be anybody's watcher. I'm not his watcher. He's a grown man. I trust that the man that Will is is a man of integrity. HE's got all the freedom in the world, and as long as Will can look at himself in the mirror and be OK, I'm good." via The Howard Stern Show.
Will explained why he and Jada don’t consider themselves married anymore.
"We don't even say we're married anymore. We refer to ourselves as 'life partners,' where you get into that space where you realize you are literally with somebody for the rest of your life. There's no deal breakers. There's nothing she could do—ever—nothing that would break our relationship. She has my support till death, and it feels so good to get to that space." via Rap Radar’s podcast
Jada spoke on rumors surrounding their marriage.
"I've heard all the things—their marriage is not real, he's gay, she's gay, they swing. But at the end of the day, people have to believe what they have to believe. I'll tell you what, it's too hard to be in a pretend marriage. Life's too short for that one." via Atlanta’s Q100 radio
Jason Merritt/Getty Images
Will spoke on the fake concept of marriage.
“I remember the day I retired. I literally said to Jada ‘That’s it. I retire. I retire from trying to make you happy. I need you to go make yourself happy and just prove to me that it’s even possible.’”
“We cracked the hell up. We started talking about [how] we came into this fake romantic concept that somehow when we got married that we would become one. And, what we realized is that we were two completely separate people on two completely separate individual journeys and that we were choosing to walk our separate journeys together. But her happiness was her responsibility and my happiness was my responsibility.” via Instagram.
Jada believed she would never get married.
"I never thought about being married or having a family. I didn't know anything about that because I came from a single mom so I always thought I'd be a single mom and have a career. Then I found this beautiful man, Will. I got married to him and I got my bonus son Trey and then I got Jaden and I got Willow and I was able to create, for myself, something I never had—which means family." via Vh1's Dear Mama Event
Both Will and Jada explained their views on monogamy.
Will: “Our perspective is, you don’t avoid what’s natural and you’re going to be attracted to people. And if it came down to it, then one would say to the other: ‘Look, I need to have sex with somebody. Now, I’m not going to if you don’t approve of it.’… In our marriage vows, we didn’t say ‘forsaking all others.’ We said, ‘you will never hear I did something afterwards.’ Because if that happens the relationship is destroyed.” via U.K. magazine Reveal, July 2008
Jada: “We always have people that we’re attracted to that we talk about. That don’t stop just because you’re married. Somebody’s always gonna catch your eye. That’s real. Somebody’s gonna always be prettier than me, and somebody’s always gonna be more in awe of him than me, and he gonna be like *in Will’s voice* ‘yo, she really like me’ (laughter), but as far as somebody being right for us… is there somebody right for a nice night? Maybe. But somebody that can sustain our life and sustain what we’ve built together, absolutely not!” via WJLB Morning Show, June 2010
Emma McIntyre/Getty Images for WarnerMedia
Jada called Will her best friend.
"He's been by my side through some of the most difficult parts of my life. And so that's something you can never take away. A lot of other things, you never know, other things might change...but one thing is for sure: I love him deeply and he is my best friend." viaHuffPost Live
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Well, the next time we met up, she told me she had met someone and was moving to Houston to live with him. Imagine my surprise and concern. Later, I’d find out that this decision, like so many other elements of their relationship, flowed naturally and organically. Their whole partnership has been full of peace and vulnerability.
Fast forward to today’s conversation, they’re still living together, celebrating four years of marriage, and planning to create a family. And while this stage of their story sounds generally normal, the way they got there is nothing but. Check out the "How We Met" feature below to see how a couple who never spoke on the phone and lived in different states ended up in a loving marriage full of ease, art, and authenticity.
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
Walk me through your ‘How We Met’ story.
Amanda: We met on Instagram (laughs). He followed me first, and I followed back because he does art, and I was intrigued by that. Honestly, we followed each other for a while before we connected. But I remember one day I saw a post where he had on a Martin t-shirt that I liked, and that sparked our conversation. He ended up telling me he made the shirt and actually mailed me one. So when I got it, I made a post wearing it, and that’s where the conversation started. Since that day we’ve communicated every day since.
Will: Yeah, I initially saw her on a short-hair Instagram page and followed her because I thought she was attractive. I actually showed her to my co-workers on one of our monthly outings as an example of my “type” – something I had never done. But one thing I will say is, I noticed she had on a Nina Simone shirt in one of her photos, that’s what got me. It showed she had more depth.
I guess that answers my next question. Did you have an initial attraction to each other?
Will: (Laughs) Yeah, I did.
Amanda: For me, no. I just wasn’t looking at him through that lens. I didn’t follow him because he was attractive. I don’t follow people online because of that. I actually remember a time when we were going back and forth, and I was like, “Aye, you kinda cute.” It was a specific moment. Once I started looking through his page more often, I started to view him that way, but it still was more of an acknowledgment. We really connected primarily because of our creative interests.
So, how did it go to the next level?
Amanda: I was in Nashville, and he was in Houston. But I’m somebody where if I feel like doing something, I’m going to do it. I had been meaning to go to Houston for a while to see a friend, so I felt like it was the perfect combination of a circumstance. We had been talking a lot, and I knew I liked him as a person and really wanted to meet him, but of course, I was aware of the idea that it could blossom into more. I remember I sent him a text saying, “Would you think I was crazy if I pulled up to Houston?”
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
What was your reply? Did you think she was crazy?
Will: In my mind, I was like, I don’t know. (Laughs) I wanted her to, though, so I wasn’t going to say yeah. It was a little wild, but I encouraged it.
Okay, so tell me about the date.
Amanda: I don’t know if you’d call it our first “date,” but the first time we met, we went to a skating rink. I was a little nervous about meeting him in person. Like, what if we don’t have chemistry – that was in the back of my head a little. But I brought my friend with me as a buffer, and thank God I did because he was so quiet the whole night. I literally can’t think of one thing he said the entire time. But the saving grace was that we had built a rapport. We reconnected the following night and were together until 5 a.m. – just sitting there talking. We ended up spending the whole weekend together.
Will: I’m socially awkward if I don’t know you. Also, before the date, I didn’t know what she sounded like or anything because, that’s another thing, we hadn’t talked on the phone. (They both really don’t like phone calls, so everything was through texts at this point.) I guess I could say I was kinda nervous, too. I had never met someone through social media, and then here I was, meeting her in person at a skating rink. I hadn’t skated in years, I was hoping I didn’t fall. But we had just been talking so much that I was open to it.
What made you want to take that risk?
Will: She has a level of authenticity that I’ve never seen in any other woman before, and once I saw her, it solidified that. I knew I wanted her around.
Amanda: I don’t think it was anything specific. It’s not hard for me to connect with people. But there were no red flags. We align across the board. That was different. We really connect on how we see the world.
"She has a level of authenticity that I’ve never seen in any other woman before, and once I saw her, it solidified that. I knew I wanted her around."
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
Out of curiosity, what are your love languages?
Amanda: I connect with all of them. I think it just depends on what I’ve been lacking. I appreciate words of affirmation because I’m so big on actions that I like those bold statements of love, and of course, I appreciate quality time. The older I get, the more I appreciate physical touch, but that’s not something I need. With receiving gifts, I like thoughtfulness, and I like giving thoughtful gifts, too. But acts of service is for sure my biggest one. I love when someone considers me and makes my life easier. That speaks to me most.
"I love when someone considers me and makes my life easier. That speaks to me most."
Will: I think it all depends on how I’m feeling, too. But probably also acts of service. I like how Amanda will buy me deodorant when I run out (laughs). She just does so much all the time to show that I’m thought of.
At what point in your connection did y’all have the “what are we” conversation?
Will: I don’t think we ever had that convo. We never defined anything, we just kinda went with how it was going. However, I knew I wanted it to be more serious when I went to visit her. She had been coming to Houston once a month, and I went to Florida (she was there for work) to see her. I realized I felt comfortable coming into her space, too. That gave me that last little bit of whatever I needed.
Amanda: Yeah, I can’t say I had a defined moment like that. But again, as we had more and more interactions, there were just no red flags. The more we thought about it, the more we realized no matter where we went relationship-wise, we were adamant about being a part of each other’s lives. We never had the “talking to other people” conversation or anything. But we did both understand we weren’t going anywhere. Eventually, it graduated to convos around building a life together, but even that was over six months in. I just liked him as a person.
Have there been any negative revelations that your partnership and marriage have taught you about yourself?
Amanda: I’ve always felt that partnership is supposed to make the other person’s life easier. For me, it was a struggle to let someone help me in all the ways I didn’t really know I needed help. As I started having less capacity, I had to realize that it doesn't work anymore. It was hard for me to acknowledge and ask for help. I think that’s something I am still coming to terms with, even with other relationships in my life.
Will: I think I’m learning and still learning how to get out of my head. I’m the kind of person who always has to visualize stuff before it happens. And this relationship is the first thing that I don’t do that with. Of course, we plan stuff, but I know it’s gonna be good regardless. It allows me to stay in the moment. If I can do that with this, which is the most important thing to me, why can’t I do that with other things?
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
What challenges have you faced together?
Will: For me, the preconceived challenge was living together. I’ve never lived with a woman before. Even in my previous relationship, it was long-distance. I’m also the type of person that likes my space, but as soon as she got here, that was out the window. It was so smooth it made me feel stupid for questioning it.
Amanda: I’m grateful to say we don’t necessarily have challenges between each other together. But we have been struggling with infertility and health issues. Our biggest challenge thus far is trying to get pregnant. Even articulating that makes me realize I’m grateful it hasn’t caused a rift between us. I think we have been able to face it in a healthy way. But that’s an example of how having someone else there can be helpful. I was so functional as a full-blown individual doing everything by myself.
So, in my head, I don’t need anyone, but having someone there who is happy to support me has taught me it’s okay to welcome that. It’s made us stronger because it’s taught us how we both function under duress – it’s good to know it’s not terrible (laughs).
"Our biggest challenge thus far is trying to get pregnant. Even articulating that makes me realize I’m grateful it hasn’t caused a rift between us. I think we have been able to face it in a healthy way."
What are some of the shared values that are important to your relationship?
Will: How we see life, what we’re here for, and how you’re supposed to treat people. It sounds really simple, but it’s not as common as you think.
Amanda: We value being really good people – without strings. We both don’t value money, but we value stability. So we don’t have to endure the “why are you not hustling” arguments. We were both stable people individually, and we came together. Also, we both value meaningful connections, alone time, reflection, and family. That guides us in what we do and how we build a life.
Finally, what is your favorite thing about each other?
Amanda: I’ll say one of my favorite things about him is that he’s brilliant. I view myself as a smart person, but in my head, he can do what I’m doing ten times faster. There are times I want to push myself to do stuff, and I’ll just ask him because I know he can do it. It’s incredible.
Will: My favorite thing about her is how people see her. Being a witness to how important she is to other people’s lives is amazing. Standing to the side and seeing how she affects them is really special.
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Feature image courtesy of Amanda Hicks and Will Ford
It really is kinda wild how, let’s go with the word “aggressive” for now, ultimatums are, and yet — I’ve been working with couples and writing on relationships long enough to say that it remains to be a steady go-to for so many people whenever they want to get their way. Even though, usually, it backfires on some level (I’ll explain in a sec), even though it really is a low-key threat, even though one definition of ultimatum is “a final, uncompromising demand” — people are still out here acting like, if they want to get what they want, issuing an ultimatum is the best way to go.
WRONG. People who have worked with me know that something that I will say, pretty much on loop, is just because something is familiar that doesn’t make it right. And when it comes to ultimatums, specifically, just because that’s what is popular, that doesn’t make it healthy. If you don’t agree, think about the last time someone issued you an ultimatum and how it made you feel (more on that in a sec, too). Yeah…exactly.
And yet, since it is such a widespread issue when it comes to romantic relationships, I’m gonna do my part to at least help folks to consider rewiring their approach whenever they are tempted to use an ultimatum to “move the needle” with someone. Because, believe you me, it will be better for you, your man, and your relationship in the long run if you intentionally decide to put ultimatums to the side.
Here’s why I say that.
Ultimatums Are Pretty Controlling in Nature. No One Likes to Be Controlled.
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GiphyIt’s no secret that I’m a life coach (with a niche in marriage), that I became a PCC (Professional Certified Coach) this year, that I am currently getting certified to deal with trauma, and that penning my third book is all causing me to get that, more and more, people do things oftentimes simply because that’s how they were raised. They don’t even really stop to think if it’s beneficial or not — it’s simply all that they know…until another option is introduced into their psyche. And so, since so many of us were given ultimatums as children — you know, “Do this…or else” or “If you do that one more time, this is gonna happen” — and we were pretty much powerless to push back on the ultimatums (because we relied on those individuals for our basic needs to be met) since the people giving them to us professed to love us, we think that’s what love looks and acts like.
No time to get into all of the childhood layers of that (like the fact that a parent/child dynamic is very different than two grown adults or that even some parents weaponized their love in order to control their kids) — I’m just sharing that as a foundation for my overall point. And my point is, if you’re used to ultimatums coming with love, you will think that’s what you need to do when you love someone…and that simply isn’t the case.
When two adults truly care for and about each other, there shouldn’t be a lot of demanding going on. Demands are stressful. Demands are pressuring. Demands tend to have a super controlling tone to them. Not to mention the fact that demanding people are pretty difficult to deal with. They’re usually impatient. They don’t tend to compromise well. They typically refuse to see the other person’s point of view. They are inflexible. In short, they are triggering, draining, and annoying…overall.
What does that matter so long as your overall mission in making your demands gets accomplished? If that’s what you’re actually thinking, that’s your first flag that you need to do some serious internal pondering because, if you truly believe that you have to use some level of force in order to get what you want…are you really getting what you want…in the way that you truly want it? In other words, wouldn’t you prefer someone to do something because they choose to — not because you had to “take matters into your own hands,” make demands or control them, damn near like they were your own kids? If you’re still Elmo shrugging, I don’t know what else to tell you other than good luck with your struggle. Dealing with you is always gonna be a struggle.
Next point.
Here's Why Ultimatums Are Rooted in Either Control or Fear
GiphyIf while reading this, you’re already on some, “Shellie, that’s your opinion” — yeah, that’s not accurate either. Many mental health professionals frown upon people using ultimatums in order to get what they want from their partner.
One article I once read shares this:
“When someone hands out ultimatums, it’s a major sign that they are controlling and less concerned about your welfare than their own. This is a tell-tale sign of emotional abuse. Ultimatums go beyond the minor disagreements that couples normally experience. Forcing you to jump through hoops or do things that make you uncomfortable to ‘prove’ your love is unacceptable.”
“Ultimatums can be unhealthy if they are used frequently in a relationship to control the bounds of a partner's behavior… This can drastically undermine a partner's feeling of safety and security in a relationship, which leads to an unhealthy dynamic.”
Still another shares this:
“Ultimatums are a shortcut to getting what you need, without actually asking for what you need. This is why they don’t work–the receiver doesn’t know what you really want, they just know what behavior you want them to stop without knowing why. This information alone is rarely enough motivation to change our behavior.”
And believe you me, there is PLENTY more where all of this insight comes from. For now, I’ll say that my biggest takeaway is that ultimatums are usually rooted in manipulation and/or fear — and if you’re trying to manipulate a person, you honestly shouldn’t be in a relationship because that is based on very toxic energy (check out “Are You Being Manipulated? Are You Manipulative? Here's The Breakdown.”) and if it’s fear, well, the first thing that comes to my mind is a Scripture: “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” (I John 4:18 — NKJV)
If you’re giving someone an ultimatum because you’re scared of what will happen if you don’t…do you actually love them as well or even as much as you think that you do? Bigger still, do you LOVE YOURSELF as well or as much as you should?
Listen, you can spend even 15 minutes on TikTok listening to some of those so-called life coaches and get all kinds of cosigns that control and fear-based decisions are the way to go. However, if you want a healthy relationship instead of an immediate approach to getting your way, you really need to avoid ultimatums because, one way or another, you’ll regret relying on them.
This brings me to my next point.
Whether Immediately or Eventually, Ultimatums in Relationships Backfire
GiphyJust yesterday, a life coach friend of mine and I were discussing ultimatums as it relates to marriage. When he asked me if I knew many men who got married under the guise of an ultimatum, he was surprised by my response: “Easily half of the men that I know proposed because they were given an ultimatum. Something like, ‘If you don’t propose to me this year, I’m leaving you.’”
After he said, “Wow,” I went on to explain that what’s crazy is, that a lot of the women who made that demand — or issued that threat — did end up getting married to the guy. Problem is, over time, it has put a wedge between them and their partner because he became low-key resentful as she ended up low-key not fully trusting that he loves her for her. Why? It’s simple: she had to issue a demand in order to get him to show it (at the time and level that she wanted it). Demanding love? Lawd.
See what I mean? I mean, if you’ve got to pressure a man to commit, how can you fully rest and relax in that commitment? Unfortunately, a lot of people are either so controlling or so scared that they don’t look into the future — right now is all that they care about. And because of that, the same mindset that got them what they wanted (or what they thought they wanted) starts to feed into insecurities, which can make people paranoid, which can cause folks to overthink, which almost always creates problems that don’t actually exist.
Ultimatums either play out that way OR the person who gives them keeps on doing it until the person on the receiving end gets so sick and tired of their ish that they tap out — if not literally, mentally, and emotionally.
Yeah, there are a whole lot of ways for ultimatums to totally backfire because, as my favorite character from Insecure (Chad) once said to Lawrence: “Pressure busts pipes.” Indeed. Far more than they ever create diamonds…if ultimatums are the driving force. SMDH.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should just sit around and hope that someday our man will give us what we want from them? That we should just gamble our time away?
Nope. And that brings me to my final point because there is certainly another approach, not just that you can take, but you absolutely should.
Remember, If You Have to Make an Ultimatum…WELL…
Hands down, one of my favorite wedding videography companies (and IG pages) is Iris Films — and hands down, one of my all-time favorite grooms that is featured by them is this guy (above). The confidence. The tailoring (LOL). The way he looks at his bride and the sheer excitement that she has to become his wife.
Y’all, I’ve been in this marriage life coaching and relationship writing game long enough to know that when a man is READY to be with a woman, NO ULTIMATUM IS NEEDED. He is coming strong, consistent, purpose-filled, clear, and prepared. He doesn’t need pressure. He doesn’t need control. He doesn’t need a list of demands. HE’S GOT IT COVERED. Ask any man who got married without an ultimatum, and I am confident that he will totally vouch for my point.
So, what’s the hold up with all of the rest of the brothas? I mean, what’s the opposite of not being ready? And next sentence — whatever the answer is, why is that your fault or even your problem? Are relationships about compromise and flexibility? 100 and 10 percent. Yet until you are married, you are responsible for you, not him and that means the main focus needs to be what you want, IF YOU ARE ACTUALLY READY FOR WHAT YOU WANT and what you’re willing to do, for yourself, if you’re not getting it.
Well, let me back up a bit — first, think about why you want what you want. For instance, shortly, I will be writing an article about the fact that a lot of women don’t actually want to be a wife…nah, what they want is a wedding. That’s why, six months in, so many of them are freaking out; it’s because they were so consumed by a diamond and a white party that they didn’t factor in all of the responsibilities that come with maintaining such a serious and long-term union.
Okay, yet if you think you are truly prepared and your partner either isn’t or doesn’t want what you want (which doesn’t make him the devil by the way; it’s also hella controlling to think that someone should want what you do simply because you want them to…again, think about how you would feel if the roles were reversed), making demands isn’t the way to go.
Express your feelings? Yes. Share your expectations? Sure. Then give him the respect of allowing him to do the same — and if the two of you aren’t on the same page, your job isn’t to “mother him into your will”…your job is to decide if you want to wait it out (the right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing) or if it’s time to go. Not “go” in the sense of, “Give me what I want or I’m leaving!” — more like, “I love both of us enough that we should get what we both want, and this simply isn’t it for me…anymore.”
AND THEN MEAN IT. Because I promise you, taking any other approach, 8.5 times outta 10, is going to leave you always wondering if he decided to be with you for all of the reasons that you truly deserve — starting with, simply because he wants to and is ready to be.
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Yeah, I really do hate ultimatums. Can you tell? More than anything, if you have to demand or threaten someone to get something, isn’t that your first sign that something is way off and that you should do some serious reevaluating? Isn’t that a huge indicator that you’re probably way more focused on achieving a goal than being with an actual person? Isn’t that a glaring reminder that love shouldn’t be so stressing or stressful?
Listen, I get why so many people go the ultimatum route; we live in a world that is filled to capacity with controlling, manipulative, and/or fear-filled individuals. All I’m saying is you don’t have to be one of them. Have faith that your love and all that comes with it is blessed enough that you don’t damn near have to bludgeon someone to death for them to get the memo about it.
State your needs. If “he” is not ready to meet it, that’s not universal rejection nor is it anything to fear. His not being ready for all that you have to offer is on him. Let him work that out for himself. Take the ultimatum off of the table and simply decide what you’re willing to provide based on what he is or isn’t ready for.
And then trust the Rumi quote — one of my favorites — that is oh so very true: “What you seek is seeking you.” And hear me, sis, what’s looking for you is ready…and it won’t need an ultimatum, and it won’t give YOU one either.
So please, clear the path for that instead of threatening other people. You clear the path by chilling out, ramping up self-care, and accepting that just like you want the freedom to make choices in your own time, others have the same right. And if you two are not choosing each other…that’s not an insult; it’s your reality. The season is shifting. Welcome it instead of fighting it. WHAT YOU SEEK IS SEEKING YOU. Be available for it to find you.
Then watch…when love is at the helm instead of fear…JUST. YOU. WATCH.
(...and then report back!) #wink
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