Why I'm Choosing To Be Myself While Everyone Else Is Being A Brand
It is the year of our Lord 2017 and everyone is a self-proclaimed something.
The internet is full of media mavens, inspirational speakers, "nerds," "artists," and, of course, entrepreneurs. There are a lot of jacks-of-all-trades and masters of none. But no matter who you are, the chief concern of millennials seems to be---branding.
Are you a momprenuer?
Are you a stylist?
Are you a blogger? What kind?
Oh, you're a chef? A healthy one or a "those vegans are crazy...animals are here for us to eat" one?
You DJ? Like forreal or with your laptop only?
How many followers do you have on IG?
Twitter?
Snapchat?
You get my point.
It's gone so far that instead of asking people who they are, we say, "What do you do?"
We have reduced one another to doings instead of beings.
And while I recognize the "game done changed," I have to wonder, are we doing this all wrong?
Living in Los Angeles, it's a normal happening to be introduced to someone's brand representative instead of his or her true person. The brand representative is the one who says, "Let's get drinks," puts their number in your phone, and promises to email you this week – and you never hear from them again.
Life is curated now. And in an attempt to be #lifegoals for however many people think you're interesting enough to see everyday, we often deny ourselves the opportunity to just simply be.
It happened to me.
A few years ago---I had a breakdown. I was gasping for air on the floor of my godparents' home where I was staying because I had nowhere else to go. I was working a temp job and running an online magazine. I had a boyfriend who, at the time, was doing his best to help me stay afloat. But I was drowning. Financially, spiritually and emotionally---I was completely submerged.
I was embarrassed. I was angry. I was lost.
So, I did what a lot of people do at that crossroads: I hid.
I hid the parts I deemed not good enough.
I photoshopped my sadness into fake joy so that everyone around me felt comfortable in my presence. I made my soul match my bank account so that something, anything, could feel in sync. I was trying my best to disappear while everyone else seemed to be having the best years of their lives. I was telling myself that I had to be a finished product.
Right now.
In my 20s. With, God-willing, a whole life ahead of me---I had to be perfect. After all, it was completely off brand to feel stagnant while everyone else was loving, living, and earning bigger than me.
I was fine with creating a picture of my life that was not true---as long as it looked good with a Valencia filter and a Beyonce quote.
I had to get real. I didn't have it all---I still don't.
I cry.
I hurt.
I make mistakes.
My breasts aren't perky.
My butt isn't big.
And when you see me post in the gym, I probably haven't been in weeks. When I shop at Whole Foods, I always have to check my account balance and I just graduated to shopping at Zara instead of H&M. I'm not at all where I thought I'd be right now but you know what?
I'm happy.
I am growing. I have no antiquated, harmful ideas of perfection to hold myself to.
I am enjoying the now.
I am a work in progress.
I am defining myself by no other standards than that of my own. Oprah once said, “Wherever I am, therein lies my brand"---and I couldn't agree more.
The most important business you'll ever brand is you. All of you. The imperfect broken hearted you.The you that exists regardless of who enters or exits your life. The you that exists far past listicles, bucket lists and 140 character declarations of having “it all." The you that is a work in progress.
Your healing—your freedom---it's in embracing that whether the whole world is watching or you're completely alone; you. are. enough.
Self-love is habitual. It is waking up every single day, facing yourself just as you are and committing to sticking it out: for better or for worse. It's remembering that your worth is not defined in white dresses, diamond rings, a glossy picture perfect feed or if you are someone else's #goals.
It is understanding that no amount of money, fame or popularity determines the value of the gifts you have to give. You need no one's permission to shine, sis. You only need to trust that whatever you're going through---whatever you may feel you lack---is exactly what will make you someone else's hero.
The Internet is full of gurus teaching others how to be a brand, but no one is teaching us the power of being yourself.
My life changed when I stopped hiding my scars and became committed to loving myself unconditionally and being authentically me. I want that for you. I want that for all of us.
And for the women we will raise, mentor, and inspire:
Let's stop pushing a false narrative of flawlessness and instead wear our imperfections like someone paid us to promote them. #ad.
Iman N. Milner is an actress and writer living in Los Angeles. She is the recipient of the 2015 ESSENCE Magazine Discovery Award and is known for the character Yazmin on Black and Sexy TV's "Chef Julian". Her first book "on breakups...and beginnings", is a journey through the process of healing after heartbreak and is available for purchase on Amazon and anywhere e-books are sold.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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