Goodness. I know that I can’t be the only one who is tripping out that spring is literally days away. Even as I’m typing all of this out, I’m trying to figure out where January and February went because it has pretty much all been a blur. Anyway, since time couldn’t care less about what we think of it (LOL), if there’s one thing I’m learning, the older I get, is to simply accept that it’s gonna move, sometimes faster than I would like — and so, I need to prepare for it: mind, body, and spirit.
Today? We’re gonna tackle the body and more specifically, our skin. Why? Because with the spring season comes showing more of it while also spending more time outdoors. So, don’t you want to do that without feeling subconscious due to any skin issues you might have? Ones that, honestly, you can get on top of before the spring season gets into full swing?
You’ve read the title already and yes, I meant what I said. Even though springtime is right around the corner, if you’re willing to implement these 10 skin-positive tips ASAP, you can still significantly improve the quality of your skin and its appearance before you put your first spring dress on. Promise.
1. Use Cleansing Brushes
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Imma tell y’all what: one of the best things that I ever did for my face (and neck) is start using an electric cleaning brush. Hands down, it’s one of the quickest and most effective ways to exfoliate your skin and, if you use them consistently, over time, you will notice that your skin feels smoother and looks brighter too.
I will give you a heads up that if you’ve never used cleaning brushes before and you have acne-prone or oily skin, you might notice extra pimples or irritated skin after the first week or so of using them; however, that is a temporary issue. Your skin is simply not used to that level of deep cleaning and it all should pass within an additional 1-2 weeks or so.
By the way, for this reason, you might want to use a gentler cleanser than usual since the brushes are going to be doing so much of the work. As far as which brushes are best, InStyle has a list of recommendations here and Cosmo also does here.
2. Cleanse Your Face with Raw Milk
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Speaking of a gentle cleanser, if you’re looking for one, how about raw milk? If you’re curious about what that is, it’s basically milk that has not yet been pasteurized. And while you should take a hard pass on drinking it (because harmful bacteria tend to be in it), when it comes to your skin, specifically, it can be good for you. That’s because its properties are great when it comes to toning your skin, deeply moisturizing it, speeding up the healing process of breakouts, protecting your skin from damaging sun rays and even reducing the appearance of dark circles around your eyes.
Farms are typically where you can find raw milk the easiest. If you don’t know a farmer personally, check out Real Milk’s site (here) for a list of places that make raw milk available to customers.
3. Exfoliate with Baking Soda
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When I was growing up, my mother put me on to brushing my teeth with baking soda and hydrogen peroxide. It wasn’t until I was an adult, though, that I learned anything about using baking soda as a skin exfoliant. Since it contains pretty potent antibacterial properties and has a gritty feel to it, if you’re looking for an all-natural exfoliant that will help to treat acne, eczema, psoriasis or help to remove ingrown hairs or even treat fungal infections — baking soda has a pretty solid reputation when it comes to all of these things. Just make sure that you apply it to damp skin because the texture of it will be too rough (especially on your face) otherwise.
4. Or Try Some Coffee Grounds
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Since exfoliants are so great at cleaning out pores, improving the texture of your skin, and providing a radiant glow to it as well, let’s talk about one more all-natural option: coffee grounds. Earlier this year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Why Caffeine Is Great For You On The Beauty Regimen Tip” because, even if you aren’t much of a java drinker, you still should keep some around for your skin’s sake. One way that coffee grounds are bomb is the high amount of antioxidants in them can actually help to improve the collagen and elastin levels in your skin; this means that coffee grounds are a wonderful anti-aging skin remedy.
One recipe that I like is mixing some brown sugar (another good exfoliant that also acts as a humectant), some sweet almond oil (which is full of vitamins A and E as well as fatty acids), and some coffee grounds. Your skin will be super smooth and more even-looking, even after the first use. I can just about guarantee it.
5. DIY Your Toner
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If there is one skin step that I think far too many of us skip (and shouldn’t), it is toner. If you can personally attest to that fact, make a commitment to apply it regularly and consistently to your current skin regimen. Toner not only deeply cleanses your pores, but it also moisturizes and brightens your skin too. As a bonus, toner also deeply hydrates your skin and, if you happen to have naturally oily skin, it can help to keep your sebum in balance.
Although there are plenty of toners on the market (witch hazel is a really good economical option, by the way), don’t sleep on going the DIY route when it comes to this skin treatment. Why? Because when you can control the ingredients that are in your toner, you can feel confident about what you’re applying directly to your skin. Hello Glow is one site that offers almost 20 different recipes. You can check them all out here.
6. Treat Pimples with Manuka Honey
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I’ve actually been knowing about the benefits of manuka honey for a hot minute now (check out “Manuka Honey Is The Ultimate Beauty Find”). If you’re curious about what makes it so different from regular honey, the main standout is it contains a significantly higher amount of antibacterial and anti-inflammatory properties. Health-wise, that means it can strengthen your immunity, soothe a stubborn cough, and even help to prevent tooth decay.
As far as your skin goes, it’s the kind of honey that reduces the appearance of pimples (by killing the bacteria in them and reducing the inflammation of infected pores) and it can give your skin a boost in moisture if you choose to wash with it.
7. Use a Vitamin C Serum
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As far as beauty trends go, something that isn’t going away, any time soon, is vitamin C serum. Good thing too because there are tons of ways that it benefits the skin. Now that we’ll (hopefully) be seeing the sun more often as well as feeling its effects, vitamin C comes in handy because it can help to protect your skin from the potential damage of UV rays. Plus, it has the ability to reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, boost the production of collagen, even your skin tone, brighten its complexion, and reduce hyperpigmentation.
Since there are a myriad of different serums to choose from, the cheat code is to look for the kind that has a concentration of around 15 percent and is in dark-colored packaging (it’ll last longer that way). If you’d like some additional help on selecting a vitamin C serum that’s best for our skin (Black skin), YouTuber April Basi is a Black female chemist who’s got some solid intel. You can check out one of her videos on the topic here.
8. Consume “Skin-Friendly” Foods
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It would be pretty ludicrous to write an article about how to create flawless skin and not address things like diet. After all, it’s been long documented that white foods (like white bread, white rice, and white pasta), sugar, dairy, soda, and fried foods (for starters) can cause all kinds of chaos to your skin if they aren’t consumed with extreme moderation. So, what foods are actually good for your skin?
Citrus fruit (they’re high in vitamin C); oatmeal (it’s full of nutrients like zinc and magnesium); berries (they stimulate collagen production); broccoli (it’s filled with antioxidants); salmon (it’s got an abundance of fatty acids); sunflowers (they’re rich in vitamin E), and sweet potatoes (they’ve got lots of vitamin A and beta-carotene).
9. Learn More About Photosensitivity
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Okay, so this just might be your “something new” for the day. Although photosensitivity might sound like it’s a complex topic, at the end of the day, when it comes to your skin, there are simply certain ingredients that could make it more vulnerable to the sun and the damage that it can do (like premature fine lines and wrinkles). Ingredients like what? Well, retinol, glycolic acid, and salicylic acid, for starters.
So, what if you rely on those to keep your skin clear? No worries. Simply make it a point to apply those things at night instead of in the day. That way, you can still take advantage of their benefits without making your skin super susceptible to the potential of sun-related drama.
10. Apply Avocado Oil at Night
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One more. An oil that I’ve grown to like to cook with and apply to my skin is avocado oil. As far as my skin goes, it’s got a lot of fatty acids in it, along with vitamins A, D, and E, potassium, and oleic acid (which helps with collagen production). Avocado oil is also a great skin moisturizer (without being uber greasy), can help to relieve dandruff and dry nail cuticles, reduces the inflammation that’s associated with breakouts, and can slow down the signs of aging too.
Listen, you’re gonna be in bed for 6-8 hours every night, right? Before turning in, pamper your skin with a little oil, so that it will look that much more beautiful come morning — as you welcome yet another (almost) springtime day!
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Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
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One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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