Emily B. & Fabolous Are A Reminder That "I Love You" Isn't Enough
Walking away doesn't make you weak, it means that you have the strength to discern whether or not the environment you're in is conducive to your growth. My mentor told me once that sometimes we don't know our own strength until we're forced to prove it.
Proving it can mean being strong enough to realize when the soil in which you're trying to thrive is not fertile.
I was loved harder than I've ever been loved by a man who I met in 2014. I compromised for him, as he sacrificed for me and our lives morphed in unison into a constant state of complacency.
We loved each other so hard that it was toxic, and I can now admit that I was in a mutually abusive relationship. We justified the pain we inflicted on each other with "I love you" and somewhere along the way our complacency transformed into resentment.
I was so engulfed in my love for him that I stopped tending to my own roots.
We found ourselves in a situation where I was unable to bear fruit, and he was too drained to water me.
The cycle continued because I chose to be blissfully unaware of the fact that I was no longer growing. Our union was charmingly unproductive because, "I love you."
Fabolous and his longtime girlfriend Emily B. recently experienced a very public domestic dispute that led the rapper to be arrested and the internet is having a field day, almost as though they aren't just two regular people who loved and built a life with one another, just as I had done with my ex.
Emily B. said that when she and Fab met in 2002, he noticed her from across the room and sent his brother over to talk to her; from then on, it was history. The couple later had two children and have maintained an on-and-off relationship for the past ten years.
As women, we are burdened by characteristics of empathy and vulnerability, so much so that we forget to check in with ourselves.
As lovers and mothers, we are so busy caring for the ones that we love, we don't take a minute to ourselves to ask, "Hey girl, are you good?" Emily B. is a reminder that sometimes your strength lies in your ability to foresee barriers to your growth.
I can remember with clarity the look in my ex's eyes while his hands were around my neck as I struggled in a bed at the Westin where we spent our last night together. When he released me from his strong hold, I realized that the love that had onced captivated us both had materialized into an intense animosity. I punched and kicked him with every ounce of energy I had in my body. And then…
One. Final. Blow.
He hit me in my stomach as I lie on the ground sobbing. I couldn't breathe. I was hyperventilating. His remorse cut through the silence in the room like a knife. Our dog cowered, whining quietly under the bed.
The sweetest man I had ever known was a monster, and I had made him that way.
I knew that moment was a manifestation of the resentment we created from the inability to produce. That was the last time I saw him.
I am in no way saying that the victim is ever to blame in an abusive situation. But I can admit, we were both victims. For the last few months of our relationship, I blamed him for my lack of productivity, when the truth was: The soil in which I had attempted to grow was no longer fertile.
The well had run dry.
We have to be able to identify when a relationship is fruitless, and know when to walk away. I can't speculate on what happened in the privacy of Emily B. and Fab's relationship. But I can see that she is a woman who loved a man, just like I did.
Keep in mind that "I love you" will never be enough if you're not being properly fed in your relationship. Check in with you. Make sure you're full. If you find that you are deprived, whether the abuse you encounter is mental, emotional, or physical, unearth the strength to walk away.
He can't love you like you love you.
Featured image by J. Countess/WireImage
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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