Dream Director Danielle D. Hughes Has 5 Life Hacks To Change Your Life
If you want to change or move forward in your life, you have to be willing to seek clarity around what's holding you back. The road to bettering herself, leveling up professionally and personally, and empowering others with how to do so is a journey that native Detroiter, social entrepreneur, and youth advocate Danielle D. Hughes has committed to.
Her debut book Always Make Your Bed, shares seven principles that readers can use to dream it, do it, and get what they want out of life. "The title was inspired by the importance of consistency. People would always ask how to stay encouraged and inspired. It's simple, make your bed." The book explores the science behind having a routine and consistency. In it, Danielle shares the journey and strategies that led her from being least likely to succeed in high school to being a Chief Changemaker in her city and being honored on Forbes' 30 under 30 list for her work in education.
Courtesy of Danielle D. Hughes
The book itself was inspired by Danielle's own becoming story. One day after speaking at a local university in Michigan, 30 young women came up to Danielle asking for mentorship. She didn't have the bandwidth to help every woman who stayed back, but thought writing a book could be a way to share the wisdom she'd acquired along her own journey. Being vulnerable about her challenges wasn't always easy, but Danielle knew that sometimes "the story you want to hide is the story you need to share the most."
After graduating from Georgia State University with a degree in journalism, she struggled to find her passion. After being fired from her first two reporting jobs, she was forced to reckon with what her true purpose was. An idea to start a vision board workshop for local youth fueled her a desire to make helping young people in her community part of her life's work. She went on to co-found a youth-focused Detroit non-profit, Detroit Speaks. Now, Danielle serves as a Dream Director for the Future Project and is responsible for coaching and mentoring students in the Detroit public school system.
"Every single day I try to reconnect to my why. My why is being the person I wish I had when I was younger. It's so fulfilling being able to share with my students the things I wish I had: financial literacy, finding what you're passionate about before you to go to school and get an expensive degree and realize you don't even like it. For them to see someone like me make the Forbes list [opens] up a seed of possibility for them that they can do whatever they want."
xoNecole chatted with Danielle about some of the life-changing, yet simple, principles she teaches in her book. Check out her advice on how you can start living a more impactful life below.
1. Develop a routine (consistency + execution):
"One day I got fed up with myself and said I need to put myself in a routine. Every successful person I knew had a routine. I needed to emulate that because something [must be] working. Consistency breeds consistency. Make sure your foundation is laid and business is handled. Once you become a serial entrepreneur, it's important to make sure that all of your ducks are in a row.
"The two main things that serve as the defining line between being a dreamer and a doer is consistency and execution. As human beings, we struggle with consistency. We'll try something new but if we don't see it working, we're over it and on to the next. That's not how great things are built. Great things take time. Once I started making my bed every morning, I started getting more done in the day and prioritizing my time. It was repeatedly doing one task every day. It's a super simple task: waking up, pulling your sheets back and making your bed. That will lead over into your personal life, business, and whatever else.
"You can be consistent but that doesn't always mean you're executing. Create a task and then finish it. You can work at it every day and still not finish it. We put so much on ourselves for things to be perfect and for it to look a certain way. Done is so much better than perfect any day."
Courtesy of Danielle D. Hughes
"Great things take time. Once I started making my bed every morning, I started getting more done in the day and prioritizing my time. It was repeatedly doing one task every day. It's a super simple task: waking up, pulling your sheets back and making your bed. That will lead over into your personal life, business, and whatever else."
2. Have a strategic vision for your life:
"Having a vision for your life is so important. Without a vision, you're going to just go through life doing the same thing and doing the same normal routine. If that doesn't make you happy, eventually, you'll get burned out and [feel] unfulfilled. Having a strategic vision is [critical]. Write down your daily goals every single day. Get a planner. Check them off. Make sure you're happy. Ask yourself, 'Am I doing this because I want to or am I trying to fulfill someone's else's dream?'"
3. Have a strong financial foundation:
"I've made a lot of financial mistakes. My car got repossessed two years ago because I was mishandling my money. I was young and didn't have any financial literacy. I was making what I thought was a lot of money. I had to work to build back up my credit and savings account. Being a young Black woman, we don't always talk about saving, budgets, and credit in our households. I taught myself when I got older. Make sure you have a handle on your money. Make sure you have at least emergency funds.
"Financial freedom is everything. Cash does really rule everything in the United States. Money rules the world. Everything costs. As much as we hate it, that's what it is. It's so important to know where your money is going. Life happens to all of us. You're going to need something to fall back on. Life is a lot harder when you don't have anything in the bank or low credit. It's easier to get what you want out of life when you have a strong financial foundation."
4. Bounce back from failure:
"I try to be as transparent as possible. I've been fired from every job I ever had, except for two. It happens to all of us. We all deal with something. It's not so much about what happens to you or how you react to it. It's how you bounce back. No one cares about the people who have played it safe and stayed down after getting knocked down. We celebrate and hear about the people who got back up. Those are the people who are the icons and change the world. The ones who go down in history are the people who got back up ten times after being knocked down nine times. No matter what you go through...no matter how big or small, always get back up. There's always something better if you just keep fighting. I've been told 'no' a thousand times more than I've been told 'yes'. I'm going to keep going."
"I've been fired from every job I ever had, except for two. It happens to all of us... It's not so much about what happens to you or how you react to it. It's how you bounce back."
5. Seek a mentor:
"Mentorship is essential for success. I like to consider myself a life-long learner. People that I admire or look up to are all life-long learners. They always tell me to never stop learning. The moment that you feel like you have enough knowledge and know everything, you've failed. I don't have any super close mentors now, but I have a lot of 'virtual' mentors. One of my 'in my head' mentors is Myleik Teele. I also have a group of three close friends. We're all in different industries and they serve as my mentors, too. It's important to note that your relationships change as you change. My entire circle has changed in the last ten years. The people who I now surround myself with every day are most certainly my mentors, advisors, and counselors."
To learn more consistency and life hacks from Always Make Your Bed, visit www.amybbook.com or follow Danielle on Instagram (@danielledhughes).
Proceeds from the sales of Always Make Your Bed will benefit Danielle's newly formed scholarship program the "David Jackson Jr. Scholarship For Emerging Leaders" - a fund that will be used to assist local Detroit youth in their scholastic and entrepreneurial endeavors.
Rana Campbell is a Princeton University graduate, storyteller, content marketing strategist, and the founder and host of Dreams In Drive - a weekly podcast that teaches you how to take your dreams from PARK to DRIVE. She loves teaching others how to use their life stories to inspire action within oneself and others. Connect with her on Instagram @rainshineluv or @dreamsindrive.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Honestly, I don’t know if it will surprise y’all or not to know that a few years back, Vice published an article entitled, “Women Get Bored in Bed Faster Than Men.” When it comes to the clients I work with, what I will say is men tend to underestimate how creative women can be while women seem to overlook that men fake orgasms just about as much as they do. My grand takeaway from all of this? Folks need to be intentional when it comes to keeping the spice alive in their sex life; especially if they’re in a long-term relationship.
That’s why, when one couple came to me and asked what was something that they could do to light the fire (pun intended) in their own bedroom, the first thing that I asked was if they had ever tried wax play before. You should’ve seen the expression on their faces. LOL.
When it comes to things like that, I think that it’s still taboo for some, simply because they’ve only seen it on a movie screen or heard about it in true extreme sexual contexts — and so, they don’t think that it’s something that is “for them” when, the reality is, with the right tips in tow, wax play can be for pretty much anyone…and everyone.
So today, let’s add something new to some of y’all’s boudoir list of activities. Here are 10 things that will, hopefully, help you to see the flames of wax play (I’ve got puns all over the place today) in a whole new light.
1. Anticipation Does Wonders for Sexual Arousal
GiphyI once read an article by a mental health expert who said that anticipation is probably the greatest aphrodisiac of all. It builds excitement. It fuels curiosity. At the end of the day, it’s like a mental form of edging because you’re getting close to something that you look forward to — although you’re not quite there yet. Listen, he’s not off base because even science says that anticipation can give you a dopamine hit that can ultimately improve your sexual experiences.
Keeping this point in mind, how can watching hot wax drip from a candle and head toward your body not fuel some level of anticipation? Especially if it’s your first few times trying it? A woman by the name of Ana Monnar once said, “Anticipation is sometimes more exciting than actual events.” Just something to consider, when it comes to entertaining bringing wax play into your world, my dear.
2. Wax Play Is Peak-Level Foreplay
GiphyWe all know what foreplay is, right? Just to be sure that we’re all on the same page, a very basic definition is it’s something that typically happens right before sex in order to arouse the people who are about to have it. And since foreplay is pretty much the prelude to copulation, it’s important that “the appetizer” is damn near as good as the “main course.” Wax play can help to ensure that because, aside from what I just said about anticipation, it can also help you and your partner tap into your more sensual and seductive sides. It’s hot. It requires being mindful. And since so much give and take is involved, it requires both people to be very into the moment. Lawd. Wax play is sexy to even just think about!
3. Temperature Pleasure Is Lots of Fun
GiphyOkay, say that you’ve never played with wax (in this way) before. Have you ever incorporated ice cubes? I ain’t gonna let y’all get ALL up in my business, so…let me just say (for now) that some ice during oral sex ain’t neva hurt nobody…quite the contrary! There’s something about the unexpected cool that mixes around with the warmth of a mouth that is truly unmatched. Along these same lines, wax play brings in the heat and, what makes temperature pleasure/play so awesome is, that it uses the sensations of different temperatures to bring out different forms of stimulation.
Another thing that’s worth noting about temperature pleasure is if you’re someone who considers yourself to be on the sexually conservative side yet you do like this type of activity, whether you realize it or not, you’re low-key participating in a form of kink (yep!). This brings me to my next point.
4. Wax Play Is an Introduction to Kink
GiphyIt’s kind of interesting how some people clam up at the thought of a (sexual) kink when the reality is, at the end of the day, it’s about having a certain type of sexual experience (as opposed to a fetish that focuses on objects or body parts; like a foot fetish, for example). So, if it’s that simple, why does it intimidate a lot of folks? Well, kinks tend to delve into people’s fantasies or unconventional ways of thinking (like BDSM or voyeurism).
At the same time, the cool thing about kinks is you control how deep you want to go. Just know that if you do participate in wax play, there’s no point in turning up your nose to the whole kink thing; wax play technically qualifies.
5. Soy Does One Thing. Paraffin Does Another.
GiphyOkay, so let’s spend a couple of moments talking about the things that you need to get the most out of your wax play experience. First, please don’t be out here imitating movies. While they will have you believing that you should pull a taper candle from your dining room table and go ham with it, it’s best to go with massage candles; they are specifically designed for wax play and body massages (The Knot has a recommendation list here and Women’s Health has a list of their own here).
When it comes to candles, in general, I’m always a fan of soy because they burn cleaner and last longer. However, when it comes to wax play, two other reasons why soy is best is it’s natural and “burns lower;” this simply means that once the wax hits your body, it won’t be as hot as, say, paraffin wax will (because it has a higher burning point).
What all of this means is if you want a more comfortable experience, go with a soy (or even a shea butter or beeswax) candle. If you want to play with the big (wax play) kids, try paraffin.
Oh, and if you’re wondering if you can never use “regular” candles — I mean, it’s your body. All I’m saying is some candles are designed for wax play; birthday candles? They are not. Feel me?
6. Massage Candles Feel Incredible on Your Muscles and Joints
GiphySo, here’s the thing about massage candles: If you’ve ever had a professional massage before, your massage therapist may have used them. And if you’ve gotten a high-end mani/pedi, some paraffin wax may have come into play (no pun intended). That’s because the wax from both types of candles has health benefits that include relaxing muscles, improving joint mobility, and increasing blood flow throughout the body. And when you factor in the fact that the better you physically feel before sex, the better sex will be during it — isn’t that just one more plus for and perk of wax play? I definitely think so.
7. The Aromatherapy Is Incomparable
GiphySomething else that’s awesome about most massage candles is they have a wonderfully alluring scent to them, by design. Yes, that matters too because there is plenty of data out here to support the fact that aromatherapy does everything from reduce stress and relieve bodily discomfort to treat headaches and fight off infections (word on the street is that it may even help with menstrual cramps and menopause).
As far as your sex life goes, aromatherapy is supreme because certain essential oils double up as aphrodisiacs. Lavender, neroli, and rose are proven to improve your sexual function. Geranium reduces anxiety. And listen, if climaxing is your ultimate goal, check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm” and then look for massage oils that smell like, say, vanilla, saffron or jasmine. Bottom line, a good massage candle that smells amazing is going to be worth every cent that you spent to purchase it.
8. You Will Learn Communication (and Dirty Talk) on a Whole ‘Nother Level
GiphyOne of the reasons why I once penned, “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” for the platform is because, if there’s one thing that I think is so awesome about sex, is it finds a way to incorporate all five of your senses (sight, touch, taste, sound and hearing) as well as your top love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and gifts — if you’re open to it).
And when it comes to hearing (and words of affirmation), this is another area where wax play can be a winner because, as you’re learning what works for your partner and they learn what works for you, words have to be exchanged… perhaps even dirty ones.
And why is dirty talk so damn effective? According to scientific research, it has the ability to activate your entire brain (the biggest sex organ that you have) and when this is going on while you’re being physically stimulated — chile, the sky truly is the limit!
9. Wax Play Is Completely Customizable
GiphyYou know back when I was talking about soy candles vs. paraffin ones? Something that I didn’t mention, by design at the time, is that, although I will forever be Team Massage Candles when it comes to this particular topic, there are some known as wax play candles too. What’s the difference? Wax play candles tend to remain pretty hard (after being lit up) while massage candles are designed to melt into a liquid that you can massage on your partner’s body.
Why am I bringing this all up now? Well, it’s to serve as a reminder that wax play can be “dialed up” or “turned down” based on what you want to do. If you just want to put a twist on a massage, you can do that. If you’d like to test your partner’s tolerance level by applying more heat for longer, do that.
Just make sure that you use the kind of wax that doesn’t fully melt on shaved areas of the body (pretty sure why is self-explanatory), that you moisturize your skin beforehand (it’s easier to remove the wax…or whatever is leftover) that way and that you pour around 15-20 inches away from your partner’s body; that gives it time to cool somewhat on the way down. Oh, and if you don’t want to jack up your sheets, you might want to lay down a protective drop cloth (like this one here).
10. It Sure As Hell Ain’t Boring
Season 1 Friends GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyLast point — and it brings all of this full circle. Now that you’ve read all of the ways that wax play can benefit your sex life, how in the world could you associate it with “boring” on any level? Anything that can get you hype, cultivate eagerness, and enhance what you’ve already got going on…that is worth putting on your sex bucket list and trying at least one time, wouldn’t you say? And why can’t that time be…TONIGHT? Shoot your man a pick of a massage candle with a heart and watch him beat you home.
Then report back (with edits…LOL).
Something tells me that you’ll become a wax play fan — SOON.
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