If You're Not In Love With Being Single, Ask Yourself These 6 Questions
Maybe it's because Disney made sure that Cinderella, Snow White, Ariel from The Little Mermaid, Princess Jasmine from Aladdin and Tiana from The Princess and the Frog all had love interests. Maybe it's because far too many so-called singles ministries in churches seem to be more about how to get a man (or how to complain in a "godly way" about not having one) than how to buy a house or start a business. Maybe it's the daily programming of being in a relationship, period that has so many of us struggling with being single.
I mean, even our tax forms indicate that unless we are married, we are single but even if we've only been on three dates with someone, we're quick to not want to refer to ourselves as a single woman. It's like "single" is some sort of back-handed compliment on a good day, a dirty cuss word on a bad one. What's up with that?
As someone who will be 45 in June and is currently (and peacefully) single, personally, I think a lot of us struggle with singleness because, overall, it hasn't been presented to us as the immense gift and blessing that it really and truly is.
I mean, just think about it—all of us come into the world as single human beings, so even God himself finds merit in it. Yet religion, pop culture, even our own loved ones tend to act like the single status is nothing more than a placeholder until we get ourselves together and actually start living our lives…with someone.
Me? These days, whenever someone asks me why I'm still single, my answer is simple—"When a man can love me the way I know I can love a man, I'm good." I mean that too. I got to this place by asking the following questions and then getting real with myself about what my answers were vs. what they needed to be.
Struggling With Being Single? Read This.
Question #1: Do You Think Life Begins AFTER Being with Someone?
I can't tell you how many times I've spoken to a single woman about all of things she wants to do—after she gets married. "I want to go to Italy. Maybe I'll do it for my honeymoon," or "I've always wanted a diamond pendant. Maybe my future husband will get it for me one day."
A lot of wives have given me a front seat into their marriage. And you know what they all can agree on? A lot of the things that they thought would be easier or even better after marriage, aren't. Merging lives requires a sacrifice of time and money. It also means you are in a constant state of compromise. Suppose your husband hates to fly or getting a new house is more important to him than a piece of jewelry?
Ask any healthy married individual and they will tell you that a person should come into your life to complement it, not to fill some void. And in order to be a good fit, you have to already have some things going on so that they complement you well. Is your life so full that it's like an action movie trailer for how much BIGGER a man's life would be if he became a part of it? If not, why not?
Question #2: Have You Been Told That You Idealize Marriage Too Much?
There's a married couple that I know who've pretty much been miserable ever since the day they said, "I do." As a single person, the husband was a mega casanova and the wife was controlling as all get out. He was a dreamer and she was an established entrepreneur. They didn't have the same views on gender roles or children. But somehow, they—especially she—thought that marriage was going to make everything better. However, the reality is marriage only magnifies whatever issues you already had (individually and in your relationship) already. To think that marriage is gonna make imperfect things perfect is an idealistic—which is typically code for unrealistic—point of view.
That's why, whenever a single person tells me that they want to get married because they want someone to love them, it makes me cringe the same way as when a teenager tells me they want to have a baby. First, it's too much pressure to expect an imperfect person or a baby to fill voids in your life. Second, relationships and kids will take a lot out of you; that's why you need to give out of surplus not lack.
If you want to get married because The Cosby Show and rom-coms are the bar for how you see marriage, praise the Lord right now for keeping you single. The reality check of what real marriage looks like would probably take you out. (It causes folks to file for divorce on a daily basis.)
Question #3: What Would Being in a Relationship Improve in Your World?
Some of my friends laugh at me because sometimes I'll say, "Pray for me. I really want a penis right now." Some of them will think they are correcting me and say, "You mean a husband?" but no—sometimes I mean just a penis.
I'm at a place in my life where I'd prefer to be married before having sex again, yes. BUT I'll be honest and say that I'm also at a place in my life where having a best friend in the form of a sex partner is the main reason why marriage appeals to me. Meaning, I really like my life the way that it is. I don't attend weddings wondering when it will be my turn. I'm not freaking out about being 40 with no kids; my godchildren provide plenty of responsibility. I ADORE the male friends in my life; they give me a lot of the male companionship that I need.
All in all, having a husband would be a blessing and should God bring me to one (Genesis 2:22), I'm sure it will serve a great purpose. For now, though, as far as improving the quality of my life goes? Aside from some earth-shattering orgasms (le sigh), he'd have some pretty big shoes to fill. Life, as a single woman, is pretty golden right about now. Just as the single life should be.
Question #4: Have You Thought About All of the Benefits That Come with Being Single?
Something else that I notice with a lot of the couples I work with is they didn't really want to get married; they wanted to have sex and not be alone. Marriage is A LOT more than that, though.
Sometimes, when I'm listening to the complaints that they have, what I really hear is, "I wish I was still single"—He doesn't keep the house as clean as I would like; She's always expecting me to want to go to her work events; He is too stingy with money; She's always mad that I don't turn in at the same time she does. What a lot of this boils down to is one person sees life one way while their partner sees it another. Oftentimes, there are no right or wrongs, just different. But if you don't want to find some common ground and compromise, you can always stay single.
Every time a wife calls me about having to wake up early to help her husband do something around the house or wishing they could do something that isn't currently in the budget, I hear her out, get off of the phone and do a little jig. Right now, my money is mine—ALL MINE. My time is mine—ALL MINE.
Marriage has its perks. It also has its sacrifices. Ones that don't have to be made while I'm a single woman.
Question #5: Where’s Your Single Living Bucket List?
Speaking of compromise, I share something my mother often says because it's a very profound pearl of wisdom—"Do everything you can't compromise before you get married." No matter how much you desire long-term companionship, there are going to be things that are so much easier to do while you are a single woman.(I'm not the only one who feels that way either. Check out what one of my married friends had to say to us single women about the benefits of our relational status here.)
So, instead of thinking about (or obsessing over) all of the things that you don't have because you're not married (yet), reflect instead on all of the things you can accomplish because you're single. Wanna start a business? The sacrifice of your time alone makes it easier to do while you're single. Want to take a trip around the world? There is no one you need to run that by first (or try and convince to get on board) while you're single. Wanna take a road trip with your best guy friend? There's no time like the present (plus, it's far more appropriate to do right now too!).
When you start thinking about all of the things being single frees you up to do, the list of possibilities become so long that it honestly has you too busy to pine over when you'll get hemmed up—I'm sorry, I mean get married (LOL).
Question #6: Do You Feel Like You NEED a Mate?
This right here is an article all on its own and maybe one day I'll expound on it. For now, I'll just say that the quality of my life got so much better when I got to a point and place where I WANTED a man to love me, not NEEDED him to. It wasn't a man or relationship that brought me to this conclusion, it was actually the practice of minimalism.
When you start to adapt the mindset of a minimalist, you start to learn that wants and needs are very different. A want is something I wish for or desire, which is fine, but a need? A need is something that my life requires. I need water. I need money to pay my bills. I want another car. I want to get paid more for some of the work that I do. See the difference? What I want would make life more comfortable but I'm not gonna die (or even struggle really) without it.
If you read all of that and is still looking at your screen like, "OK…but I will die without a husband," this is one more reason why it's a good thing that you are still single. Thinking that you can't live without someone is giving them (or that kind of relationship) far too much power. It's setting them up to be an idol and no human being should hold that kind of place and position in your life.
You NEED to feel loved? You've got God, your family, and friends, and you to do that.
A woman who finds peace in that is a woman who is in a healthy single state of mind.
Ironically, it's also that kind of woman who is far more equipped for marriage too. You will not die without a man. But you can't start really living your life until you realize and accept that. Love yourself and your status too much to hate being single. Then watch how much bigger and better your world becomes because of it. I'm living proof. Singleness filled with all kinds of underrated dopeness. It really is.
Love yourself and your status too much to hate being single. Then watch how much bigger and better your world becomes because of it. I'm living proof. Singleness filled with all kinds of underrated dopeness. It really is.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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ItGirl 100: Get To Know Some Of The Most Inspiring And Empowering Women On Our List
The ItGirl 100 List, in partnership with Hyundai, is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
We often see lists featuring amazing women who are seasoned in this thing called life, and our ItGirl 100 List gives flowers to the people they’ve passed the torch to: young millennial and Gen Z women who are innovating and disrupting in today’s world of advancement.
xoNecole has partnered with Hyundai for its inaugural ItGirl 100 List to give these women their flowers today. It’s a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who have built their own tables, launched new businesses, and redefined what it truly means to be blessed, booked, and busy.
Here’s a snapshot of fun facts from a few of the women listed on the ItGirl 100, representing the East, West, Midwest, and South:
EAST
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DJ 9AM: DJ & Curator
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "On My Mama" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Nia Long
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Taurus Moon, Pisces Rising
Favoring open-format, multi-genre mixes, this DJ has created a winning reputation for rocking a crowd with seamless transitions and selections, always representing Southwest musical and cultural influences.
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Tiffany James, Founder, Modern BLK Girl
Representing:Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Lucky Girl" by Carlina
Favorite OG It Girl:Naomi Campbell
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Virgo Rising
Modern BLK Girl is one of the leading investment groups among women of color, and the founder serves as an avid investor, community builder, and advocate. Tiffany James is also a mentor, utilizing her unique combination of financial and fashion expertise.
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Kat Mateo, Casting Director
Representing: New Jersey
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Princess Going Digital" by Amaarae
Favorite OG It Girl: Kelis, Eve, Lil Kim
Zodiac Big Three: Aries Sun, Cancer Moon, Cancer Rising
Thriving as a casting director and stylist, Kat Mateo offers a unique point of view that has shaped New York Fashion Week shows, ad campaigns, and editorials. She has also been a major contributor to cultural conversations related to fashion and inclusivity.
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Denise Stephanie Hewitt, Photographer
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Experience" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Hannah Montana
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon, Aquarius Rising
This Gordon Parks Foundation scholar is a full-time student who has been working to expand her freelance career in photography. Denise is also been featured among Essence'sinaugural list of "Top 10 Creators Under 30," for her unique aesthetics and perceptions through her art.
WEST
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Nayamka Roberts-Smith, Aesthetician
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Tomorrow 2" by GloRilla & Cardi B
Favorite OG It Girl: Meagan Good
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Capricorn Rising
Nayamka Roberts-Smith is an award-winning professional in the skincare industry and serves as an educator, offering knowledge on beauty culture. She also is a well-sought-after speaker on beauty and women’s issues, with a following of more than 1 million on social.
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Desiree L. Talley, Esq., Vice President, Legal & Business Affairs, Revolt TV
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice" by The Carters
Favorite OG It Girl: Issa Rae
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon, Cancer Rising
An attorney and storyteller, Desiree L. Talley meshes relatability with her legal smarts for the culture. She advocates for cultural advancement and societal change through her POPLAW Podcast while balancing her executive duties at Revolt TV.
Marley Rae
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Marley Rae, Organizer, WalkGood
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice For What" by Drake
Favorite OG It Girl: Mariah Carey
Zodiac Big Three: Capricorn Sun, Taurus Moon, Leo Rising
Marley Rae is a Nike Athlete, certified yoga instructor, COO, and Director of Health and Wellness for WalkGood LA, a family-founded non-profit organization. She is dedicated to fostering understanding and care in local and global communities.
MIDWEST
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Shawnee Dez
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "FreeBody Freestyle" by Shawnee Dez
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Morrison
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Aquarius Moon, Cancer Rising
Shawnee Dez is an artist who's all about captivating her audience through encouragement and empowerment. Her music features fluid harmonic layering, live instrumentation fused with digital production, and her unique multi-talented voice in an alto melodic tone.
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Bianca Pastel, Visual Artist
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: Anything by Whitney Houston
Favorite OG It Girl: Grace Jones
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Bianca Pastel's artistic portfolio includes fine art, illustrations, and animation, and she's worked with clients including Disney Pixar, and the NFL, to name a few. Her focus is "empowering the experience of being a Black child and dealing with mental health issues."
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Donyale Walton, Founder, Hoop Mobb
Representing: Detroit
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Yeah I Said It" by Rihanna
Favorite OG It Girl: Aaliyah
Zodiac Big Three: Virgo Sun, Libra Moon, Capricorn Rising
Donyale Walton's brand Hoop Mobb, celebrates the Black and Brown fashion and cultural impact and presence of hoop earrings. It's grown to earn more than seven figures in annual revenue and a nationwide community of loyal consumers.
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Ticara Devone, Content Creator
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "She's a Bitch" by Missy Elliott
Favorite OG It Girl: Ananda Lewis
The Zodiac Big Three: Libra Sun, Taurus Moon, Virgo Rising
A trusted sneaker enthusiast and content creator, Ticara Devone uses dynamic storytelling to hold space for others with a passion for sneakers. A published writer, she’s worked with brands including Nike and Footlocker and inspires us all by ensuring women are vocal and seen in the multi-billion dollar shoe space.
SOUTH
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AllyiahsFace, Content Creator
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Go Off" Doja Cat
Favorite OG It Girl: Gabrielle Union and Halle Berry
Zodiac Big Three: Gemini Sun, Leo Moon, Scorpio Rising
AllyiahsFace's YouTube channel has more than 830,000 subscribers, and she's been hitting the ground running since 2015. Her content creation, which centers on beauty, fashion, and lifestyle, has led to a lucrative career and drawn a close-knit social and real-life community to view and be inspired.
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Jaycina, Executive Director, Tender
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "All I Got" by Amel Larrieux
Favorite OG It Girl:Tracee Ellis Ross
Zodiac Big Three: Leo Sun, Sagittarius Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Jaycina is a signed model with a nonprofit that works to provide support and community for single mothers in Atlanta. She's also appeared in campaigns for brands including Fenty and GAP as well as features in all your favorite magazines and on billboards across the country.
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Asha Christian, Founder, Coily App
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "It's My Life" by Mariah Carey
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Childs (Girlfriends)
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Leo Rising
Asha Christian created Coily to provide beauty recommendations utilizing social data. It offers a more personalized, AI-driven experience for users and part of her mission is to provide solutions related to diversity and put the focus back on the consumer. Meshing tech and culture, Christian is innovating with options that exemplify the Black girl magic needed in tech.
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty