Your December monthly horoscopes have arrived! The first part of the month invites us to embrace our individuality and release stagnant beliefs that inhibit our self-expression. When Chiron goes direct, we'll be feeling more confident in who we are, what makes us unique, and the gifts that we are called to share with the world. After spending time in Capricorn, both Saturn and Jupiter shift into Aquarius, requiring us to take an innovative approach to the way we connect with others in this ever-changing world.
Towards the end of the month, Mercury and the Sun help us get grounded, making this a great time to plan for the year ahead. 2020 wraps up with a beautiful Full Moon in Cancer reminding us to take care of home (and self) first. Check out the horoscopes below to learn what's in store for your zodiac sign in December 2020:
AriesLaci Jordan for xoNecole
Sagittarius season is stirring up your wanderlust and when Mercury enters this adventurous zodiac sign, you're ready to buck Rona and book that week-long vacay in the Cayman Islands. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 14th clears out those false beliefs of yours that you adopted from people you've deemed wiser than you. It's time to be your own guru, babe!
When Venus shifts into this part of your sky, it's time to fall in love with your own experiences and the gems you've gained from bumping your head into a wall one too many times.
On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, snapping you back into your bold and confident self. Saturn and Jupiter both shift into Aquarius this month which has the potential to bring a lot of growth through your social network but not without hard work. It's time to crack that Instagram algorithm so the world can benefit from what you have to share. Towards the end of the month, Mercury and the Sun shift into Capricorn, encouraging you to make some long-term plans to achieve success in your career. December winds down with a cozy Full Moon in Cancer inviting you to enjoy a quiet night at home for some much-needed TLC.
TaurusTaurusLaci Jordan for xoNecole
The month kicks off with Mercury entering Sagittarius, helping you gain a deeper understanding of a painful experience you've gone through. The New Moon Solar Eclipse serves to sweep away the old stories of victimhood in exchange for something more triumphant. When Venus enters this part of the sky, be mindful of overspending especially with the credit card. I get it—it's holiday season but that doesn't mean you have to go into even more debt. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, encouraging you to come out of hermit mode.
You've been in a space of deep reflection over the past few months and now it's time to embody the lessons you've been learning.
On the 17th, Saturn enters Aquarius and you're feeling the pressure to get ahead in your career. When Jupiter joins Saturn on the 19th, you'll likely feel a push-pull effect in the year ahead. One minute you're gaining traction and the next minute you're doubting why you're even trying. That's the test of Saturn so keep it moving, boo. Slow motion is better than no motion. On the 20th, Mercury enters Capricorn then the Sun joins up the next day, encouraging you to position yourself for success by sharpening up your skills, making this a good time to go back to school. The month comes to a close with a sweet Full Moon in Cancer encouraging you to be a little kinder to yourself. Nurture your healing and growth with more positive self-talk.
GeminiGeminiLaci Jordan for xoNecole
Your relationships take front and center stage this month. When Mercury enters Sagittarius, don't be surprised if you or someone else is initiating the "we need to talk" convo. On the 14th, the New Moon Solar Eclipse takes the trash out for you—whether it's that one-sided relationship or that dead-end business partnership. It's time to let it go, Gemmie. When Venus enters this part of your sky, you're more interested in your freedom than being tied down to anyone or anything. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, helping you gain a better footing in your approach to friends and social networking.
Let your individuality shine forth boldly to attract a tribe that is the perfect fit for you.
When Saturn and Jupiter shift into Aquarius, it's time to buckle down a bit. You're notorious for knowing a little bit about a lot of things but these transits are going to require you to dive deeper into a topic so you can become more of an expert. I'm sure this sounds boring to the Jack of All Trades but Saturn will make your discipline and hard work well worth the effort. If you've been thinking about going back to school, enrolling in that workshop, or even becoming a teacher yourself, now is the time to go for it. Towards the end of the month, Mercury and the Sun link up in Capricorn which could have you receiving some good news about a loan, grant, or debt that you owe. December wraps up with a Full Moon in Cancer encouraging you to raise your prices and add tax. You're worth it, boo!
CancerCancerLaci Jordan for xoNecole
December begins with Mercury entering Sagittarius on the 1st
encouraging you to get your annual health screening. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 14th offers you the clarity you need to break a bad habit that's affecting you mentally or physically. When Venus moves into this part of your sky, it's time to fall (back) in love with your body. As tempting as it will be to indulge in the holiday treats, practice moderation to get an early start on your 2021 fitness resolution. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, motivating you to forge your way ahead in pursuit of success.
Stop trying to live up to other people's definition of a boss and figure out what this standard means to you.
Both Saturn and Jupiter shift gears into Aquarius after spending an arduous stint in Capricorn. Over the next couple of years, your expansion takes place by—believe it or not—going within. These transits invite you to get curious about yourself, why you are the way you are, why you attract certain people in your life, why patterns keep repeating. Your subconscious will go through quite the transformation but this is ultimately liberating you to reach greater heights in life. On the 20th, Mercury enters Capricorn and the Sun follows behind the next day. Important conversations in your key relationships are likely to take place. This is also a favorable time to sign or renegotiate contracts. The month comes to a close with a Full Moon in your sign reminding you to prioritize you in your constant state of giving. Treat yo' self to a makeover or a new wardrobe to set the tone for the new year ahead.
LeoLeoLaci Jordan for xoNecole
Can you feel the love in the air? Well, when Mercury enters Sag on the 1st, you'll def be feeling it whether you're falling head over heels this month or someone is revealing their feelings for you. The New Moon Solar Eclipse encourages you to resolve any disappointments in romance. Leave the past where it belongs so you can create a new and better cycle for yourself moving into the future. When Venus enters this part of your sky, you could be attracting more of the intellectual, worldly type that will stay up with you late at night to pick your brain. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct and you're feeling more confident about your personal truth and the beliefs that come with it.
There's no need to look outside of yourself for a guru when you have direct access to the Universe and all its wisdom.
After spending the past couple of years in Capricorn, Saturn shifts into Aquarius which has you getting more serious about your dating prospects. Who has the potential to be your lifelong partner? When Jupiter joins up with Saturn, you've got some big dreams about your ideal relationship which may seem a little out-of-the-box to some but as long as you're happy, that's all that matters. Mercury shifts gears on the 20th encouraging you to create more structure in your daily routines. We all have the same amount of time in each day. How are you spending yours? When the Sun enters Capricorn, you can no longer hide behind your procrastination. The month winds down with a cozy Full Moon in Cancer inviting you to reflect on the past year and rejuvenate yourself for a new year ahead.
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
Family matters take center stage when Mercury enters Sagittarius on the 1st. The New Moon Solar Eclipse is a powerful time for squashing any family drama or resolving a generational pattern that's been wreaking havoc on you and your kinfolk. When Venus enters this part of your chart, you could be feeling a little restless and in need of a vacation. You may consider relocating for the winter or permanently if you've outgrown your current residence. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct which has you feeling more confident in who you are as an individual.
As much as you love your tribe, it's important to establish a strong sense of your own personal identity to stay in alignment with your destiny.
When Saturn and Jupiter shift into Aquarius, your daily routines and habits may become increasingly boring, inviting you to get innovative in creating new ways to remain engaged with the work you do on a daily basis. We spend a lot of our time on social media these days making this a good opportunity to cultivate a healthier relationship with the use of these platforms. Towards the end of the month, Mercury and the Sun link up in encouraging you to get creative and have some fun. Adulting is a priority but so is nurturing your inner child. December wraps up with a sentimental Full Moon in Cancer which could have you wrapping up a cycle or friendships that aren't as nurturing as you need them to be. Release them with love and remain open for the blessings to come.
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
Mercury enters Sagittarius on the 1st, infusing you with the holiday spirit. You're feeling bold and expressive during this transit, making it an auspicious time if you work in communications, education, or social media. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 14th helps you tie up loose ends on any creative projects you've been working on. This is also a powerful reset in regards to your own inner-dialogue. When Venus enters this part of your sky, you're attracting more passionate, enthusiastic folks that have you inspired to aim higher when it comes to your vision for 2021. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, giving you the confidence to assert yourself in your relationships.
If someone isn't willing to try to meet your needs, then what's the point of having them around?
On the 17th, Saturn shifts into Aquarius, encouraging you to take your creative ideas more seriously over the next couple of years, making this a great time to dust off those old childhood dreams. When Jupiter meets up with Aquarius, there are many blessings to be gained through your consistent efforts and your commitment to expressing yourself more authentically. On the 20th, Mercury enters Capricorn shortly followed by the Sun. You may feel the desire to lay some more solid roots down. Investing in property or family planning may be at the top of your to-do list over the next few weeks. December culminates with a Full Moon in Cancer which could have you celebrating a milestone or completion within your career.
ScorpioScorpioLaci Jordan for xoNecole
December kicks off with Mercury shifting into Sagittarius, reminding you to reel it in when it comes to the retail therapy. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 14th likely has you in your feels and you'll be tempted to make some purchases in hopes of comforting yourself. This is fine as long as you're not going into debt or putting other priorities to the back burner for the sake of a new Birkin bag. When Venus enters this part of your chart, you could be attracting a passionate, worldly person into your life that has some wisdom to share from their own personal experiences that can help with what you're currently dealing with.
On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, helping you feel more empowered about your health. Channel your rage and frustrations into a kickboxing class or some cardio.
When Saturn and Jupiter shift into Aquarius, you're invited to lay a solid foundation for yourself. This is a time in which you are reconnecting with your sense of home and family—which everyone defines differently. Investing in property may be at the top of your to-do list in the next couple of years. On the 20th, Mercury shifts gears into Capricorn and is shortly followed behind by the Sun. Sit down and create a strategy for how you want to proceed into 2021. What legacy are you building and what are the next steps in fulfilling that? The month comes to a close with a sweet Full Moon in Cancer, reinforcing your intuitive gifts in a way that can be shared with others to heal and nurture them.
SagittariusSagittariusLaci Jordan for xoNecole
You're the star of the show for the first part of the month as the Sun continues to transit through your sign. When Mercury teams up with the Sun on the 1st, you're ready to spread the gift of the holiday spirit with anyone in sight. The New Moon Solar Eclipse marks the beginning of a period of significant change for you over the next year. Your world as you know it will look completely different whether you're starting a new career, moving across the country, or getting married. When Venus enters this part of your sky, the birthday blessings are coming in full force.
Ask and ye shall receive. On the 15th, Chiron finally goes direct to silence your inner critic so you can get back to what you do best—create.
A few days later, Saturn and Jupiter are linking up in Aquarius. These transits will require you to restructure the way that you communicate and interact with others. With social distancing being a huge factor this year, you could be thinking of some creative ways to cultivate a sense of community and connection with other like-minded folks. On the 20th, Mercury enters Capricorn, revolving your conversations around money and business. When the Sun meets up with Mercury, you're ready to make some boss moves which could have you signing your name on the dotted line to start that new job, work with that new client, or launch a new product or service. By the end of the month, we're winding down with a sensitive Full Moon in Cancer encouraging you to have a good cry or therapy session to release the heavy emotions many felt this year. You're on to bigger and better things in 2021. Chin up, queen!
CapricornCapricornLaci Jordan for xoNecole
In the first part of the month, you're invited to disconnect from the grind and reconnect with your peace. When Mercury enters Saggie on the 1st, it's time to dream a little. Every accomplishment starts with a vision and the New Moon Solar Eclipse is helping you clear out anything that is blocking your creative potential. On the 15th, Venus moves into this part of your sky inviting you to fall in love with the Divine. You've got a direct connection to an infinite well of wisdom, creativity, and passion that can definitely take you to the next level when the time is right. Once Chiron goes direct, you're more clear about who you are as an individual. Your family may have certain expectations of you but you're not living your life to please them.
Serve your soul first and let the rest fall into place.
You finally get the much-awaited break from Saturn being in your sign these past couple of years. Now that your ruling planet shifts into Aquarius, most of the heat is off of your back and you can breathe a sigh of relief. Over the next couple of years, you're invited to restructure your finances and get creative when it comes to new ways of making money. Your discipline will be rewarded, especially when Jupiter wraps up its transit in Aquarius this time next year. If anyone knows that hard work pays off, it's you. Commit to the vision to secure your success. On the 20th, Mercury moves into your sign shortly followed by the Sun. It's time to come out of your solitude to celebrate your birthday! What better way to end the year than with a Full Moon in your opposite sign helping you close out a cycle in the way that you do relationships. Reassess the connections that truly nurture and support you and release those that don't with love.
AquariusAquariusLaci Jordan for xoNecole
December kicks off with Mercury entering Sagittarius on the 1st, making this the perfect time to do what you do best—socialize. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 14th could have you reevaluating some people in your inner circle. Don't be surprised if someone exits your life during this time. Trust that the two of you have outgrown the connection and are on the road to new friendships that are more in alignment with your truth. When Venus enters this part of your sky, you'll have no problem meeting new people that inspire you to dream bigger and live your life boldly. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, reminding you of the importance of embracing your unique qualities and gifts that only you can offer to the world.
Don't be shy, now. Share those gems. You never know who needs to hear your story.
On the 17th, Saturn shifts into your sign which will bring some major changes to how you show up in the world. Your identity as you know it is being redefined throughout this transit. When Jupiter enters Aquarius, you're encouraged to make the right connections—not just for the sake of getting ahead but also as a means of support as you embark on this journey over the next couple of years. Towards the end of the month, Mercury and the Sun meet up in Capricorn, inviting you to slow down, reflect, and rest. Your birthday season is right around the corner and you'll need all the rest you can get to celebrate. The month comes to a close with a Full Moon in Cancer illuminating ways that you can improve your health through better self-care practices. If you don't take care of yourself, who else will?
PiscesPiscesLaci Jordan for xoNecole
The first part of the month has you feeling restless when Mercury enters Sagittarius. Your mind is racing with ideas that you want to execute in your career in 2021. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 14th could have you making some changes in your career. Even if you're working a 9-5, you have bigger dreams and now is the time to start pursuing them. You don't necessarily have to quit your corporate gig (although some of you will), so you may have to make the extra effort to juggle two things at once—your responsibility and your passion. When Venus enters this part of your sky, you're attracting just the right people to get you out of a rut.
On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, boosting your self-esteem and giving you the courage to share some of those hidden gifts you've been depriving the world of.
When Saturn and Jupiter link up in Aquarius, your subconscious will undergo a transformation that you can help catalyze by getting more serious about your spiritual practices. As "go with the flow" as you are, it's time for a little structure in whether that be joining a spiritual community, developing a ritual, or meditating more regularly. On the 20th, Mercury enters Capricorn with the Sun following behind on the 21st. It's time to buckle down when it comes to long-term dreams that you'd like to accomplish. Connecting with other power players will help hold you accountable and ensure your success. Let your heart sing with joy and gratitude for all of the love in your life!
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Featured image by Laci Jordan for xoNecole
This New Scalp Care Line Is Exactly What Your Wash Days Need
This post is in partnership with SheaMoisture.
When it comes to healthy hair care, there are a few things that will help you achieve healthy strands: a healthy hair care regime, hydration, consistent treatments, and scalp care. While scalp care is one of the most neglected practices, it is also one of the most important. Why? Because it helps promote healthy hair growth, clear hair follicles, and remove build-up.
When it comes to creating a healthy scalp routine, it helps to know exactly what you’re up against so you know how to specifically treat it. Two of the most common concerns are dandruff and dry scalp. It can be tough to decipher which is which, but here’s a quick breakdown: dry scalp is caused by a lack of moisture in the skin, while dandruff is caused by an excess of oil and yeast buildup on the scalp. Knowing that both of these are big concerns, SheaMoisture released two separate product lines to address both issues: the Scalp Moisture collection and the Anti-Dandruff collection.
Needless to say, if you tend to experience dandruff then I’d recommend you try the Anti-Dandruff collection. However, my biggest concern has always been dry scalp. A lack of moisture on the scalp can be caused by several factors like weather, age, and hair products to name a few. I’ve noticed that when I use certain gels or skip out on a deep scalp cleanse, my roots feel itchy and dry nonstop, which is uncomfortable.
The only way to relieve the discomfort is to properly wash and moisturize my roots, so I tried the Scalp Moisture collection and this is what I thought.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
First, What’s In The Collection?
The Scalp Moisture collection is a four-product line that includes a pre-wash masque, a moisturizing shampoo and conditioner, and a moisturizing scalp cream. Each product uses moisturizing and strengthening ingredients like aloe butter and vitamin B3 as active ingredients to provide eight times the moisture. Together, aloe butter and vitamin B3 work to restore dry and brittle hair, as well as add relief to the scalp.
Now, let’s break down each product…
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Pre-Wash Masque
The SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Pre-Wash Masque may actually be the all-star of the collection. Using this deep conditioning masque is one of the best ways to target your dry scalp, restore hydration, and nourish your strands before shampooing.
I started by completely saturating my hair and scalp with water, then making small sections to apply the masque directly to the root. For my girls who have experience with relaxers and perms, it helps to apply the masque to your roots just like you would do with a relaxer. This way you can make sure you’ve covered as much of your scalp as possible while minimizing any breakage.
Pro tip: you can also use a color application brush to make this step easier.
After I completely covered my scalp, I massaged the product into my roots, used any excess on my strands, then left the masque in for 30 minutes. I was shocked by how moisturizing and clarifying my scalp and hair felt. One of the things that I love about the masque is the slip and how much softer it made my hair. While this is marketed as a scalp care product, it can completely transform your hair from dry and parched to completely hydrated.
In my opinion, the downside of this masque is that the quantity is too small for my liking. Truth be told, naturals go through deep conditioners faster than any other product (especially when it’s this good.) So SheaMoisture, if you’re reading this, we’d love a bigger jar.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Shampoo
The SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Shampoo is a gentle cleanser packed with the same moisture as the masque. The pearl-colored shampoo is lightweight with a serum-like consistency and a light and clean scent. The smell is pleasant, subtle, and not overbearing. When I applied the shampoo, I noticed immediately that it foams and lathers up very quickly, so less is more.
After applying the shampoo, I parted my hair and started at the roots to target as much of my scalp as possible. I recommend really taking the time to work the product and massage your scalp as much as possible.
Pro tip: using a scalp massager makes it easier and it feels amazing.
Once you start to massage your hair you’ll feel the product start to work. There’s a tingling sensation that might catch you off guard if you’re not used to it, but it’s not nearly as strong as other scalp products I’ve tried. I know some may not appreciate the sensation, but I loved it! My scalp felt clean, light, and breathable.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Conditioner
Like the shampoo, the SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Conditioner shares that pearly color and serum-like feel. It applies very easily while softening and moisturizing your hair. When I applied it to my hand, it gave my hands a lotion-like feel, which speaks volumes about its hydration capabilities. I also loved that the conditioner comes with a pump, instead of having to squeeze the product out – to me, it makes application easier.
I typically apply my conditioner to the ends first but because this is a scalp care product I started at the root and worked my way down to my ends. I did leave the conditioner in for ten minutes, although the bottle recommends leaving it in for three. The conditioner also provides that same breathable feel to your scalp. I honestly loved the relief.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Cream
The SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Cream is more of a daily relief product for your roots rather than your overall hair. It’s great for providing moisture and immediate relief to a dry and itchy scalp. Just like most of the collection, it gives a light and breathable feel – without the tingle. The applicator bottle targets specific parts of your scalp and makes applying easier.
Pro tip: I typically just squeeze the bottle to wherever I need the relief and use the tip to massage it into my scalp so it doesn’t mess up the hairstyle.
Overall, SheaMoisture’s scalp care line lives up to its claims – it moisturizes, strengthens, and provides immediate scalp relief. I definitely recommend trying the Scalp Moisture collection for an affordable way to treat itchy and dry scalp.
Featured image by Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
7 Underrated Signs That He's Truly 'Marriage Material'
While in an interview a few months back, someone asked me what I personally thought it meant for someone to be “marriage material.” Off top, the first thing that came out of my mouth is that it had to be an individual who actually desires marriage (more on that in a bit) because that kind of person will be proactive about doing what needs to be done in order to prepare for that kind of life journey.
Another indication that someone is marriage material is they don’t see marriage as just “a long-term relationship.” Yeah, don’t get me started on the fact that a part of the reason why divorce is so high now is people think that a boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic is the same thing as a husband/wife one. It absolutely is not. Marriage-minded folks hold marriage in high regard, which means that they seek out someone who isn’t a “we’ll see how it goes” when it comes to relationships; nah, they are looking for the complement who will be far more permanent. Marriage-minded people are vow-keepers (‘til death do us part), not just sentiment-sayers (I love you, boo).
Marriage material — and please get this one all the way down in your spirit — is also about not just sitting around rah-rahing about what you deserve. What I mean by that is people are not truly ready for marriage if they’ve got a what-I-want-in-a-spouse list that is 10 miles long, yet they aren’t even 30 percent of what’s on the list themselves. Listen, I will forever say until every single cow comes home that if you are out here declaring what you DESERVE in someone else, that means, by definition, that you are QUALIFIED to have all of those things. And qualified means “having the qualities, accomplishments, etc. that fit a person for some function, office, or the like” (which is why you can’t be out here dictating what you deserve without hearing what others feel that they deserve in return).
Geeze. With all of this out in the open, I probably should write an article about signs that a woman is ready for marriage (noted). For now, let’s dive into some unsung signs that a man is truly marriage material — so that you can discern, quicker, who is the better “husband fit” for you.
1. He Knows His Purpose
We’re gonna have to take this article to church a bit because, when it comes to the topic of marriage, it’s my personal opinion that a lot of them don’t last because people fail to factor in the spiritual component that can help them to truly see the distance. And when it comes to men, if you look at the Bible, two things that Adam (the first husband who’s in the Good Book) had before his wife was BROUGHT (he didn’t pursue her; she was brought, by God, to him — Genesis 2:24-25) his way is he had a relationship with God and a life purpose (Genesis 1-2).
And since the way that a woman is first defined in Scripture is being a helpmate (the Hebrew term for this is ezer kenegdo which translates into lifesaver — Genesis 2:18) to a man — does it make sense to marry someone when you don’t know what you’re helping out because he doesn’t know what he’s here to do in life? How can you complement what is so vague and unsure?
That’s why I’m not a fan of folks expecting marriage during college. College should be about figuring out who you are outside of your parents and also discovering what you want your life path to look like. If you come into school knowing and you’re consistent about it, cool. Yet if you have no idea, that’s okay too; take your time and get some clarity.
Anyway, bottom line here is, some definitions of purpose are “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.” and “an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal,” and when a man is purpose-minded, there is a level of clarity, maturity, and moving-with-intention about him that is totally unmatched. That’s part of the reason why the late and super great Dr. Myles Munroe was so big on men knowing what their purpose is in life — it says a lot about him.
So, if you’re currently seeing someone and it seems like he’s dragging along as far as moving forward in your relationship, I recommend asking him, “Do you know your purpose?” It will reveal a lot about him. It can also bring some insights on if you’re a good fit for each other — whether right now or later. Trust me. Try it.
2. His Dating Life Is Intentional Instead of Random
Men who are ready for marriage don’t tend to be vague about it; they realize that time is of the essence, so they tend to make that pretty clear upfront. Another thing? Their actions will line up with their words.
Now, this doesn’t mean that they will be racing to the altar in a year or less; however, what I can assure you is that marriage-minded men are not going to be out here casually dating. Casual literally means things like “without definite or serious intention” and “seeming or tending to be indifferent to what is happening; relaxed; nonchalant,” and no man who is gearing up for a wife rolls in this kind of head or even heart space.
I will give a heads-up that, initially, this doesn’t automatically mean that he will be exclusive with you — and honestly, he shouldn’t have to be. If he wants to figure out who his right life partner is, he should “interview” a few women (same goes for you if you desire a husband). However, the process will not drag out for years on end, and once he has figured out who the one is for him, he tends to have no problem not just cutting other ties but getting engaged sooner than later.
In other words, I don’t know too many marriage-minded men who take more than a couple of years to not just date someone but get engaged in that timeframe, too (check out “Experts Say You Should Date This Long Before Getting Married”). That’s why, if you find yourself dating someone for several Christmases, you definitely should ask them if marriage is even on their radar. Chances are (especially if they are over 35 as a guy)…it isn’t.
3. He’s Seen a Therapist. Or a Life Coach. Or Both.
Uh-huh. If the first thing that came to your mind is, “Yes, please see a therapist,” honestly, it is my opinion that ANYONE WHO WANTS TO GET MARRIED should do so. I don’t mean go to premarital counseling once you are already in a serious relationship or engaged (although yes, you should definitely do that, too); I mean that…getting prepared for marriage includes making sure that your mental and emotional health and well-being are in a really good space and a therapist and/or life coach can help to make that happen.
Should you see both? Maybe. Check out my article, “Thinking About Hiring A Life Coach? Read This Before You Do,” so that you can get some clarity on that. What I will say, for now, is that a therapist tends to deal with things of your past as they offer up some tips and insights on how to handle your present and future, while life coaches (ICF-certified ones, that is) focus on asking you the kinds of questions that can help you to get a handle on how to handle your present and future.
I have a male friend who is the COO of a life coaching company, and one of the things that he and I have discussed is a lot of men who are serious about planning for their future will see a life coach, especially when it comes to their professional life; the main reason is that it can help them to get things organized so that they are prepared for a wife and family.
My takeaway from that? Asking a man, eh, maybe 4-5 dates in, if they have ever seen a therapist or life coach could be pretty revealing. Because even if the topic of marriage has not even been broached yet, what it can reveal is how proactive he is about getting his life in order — and that’s always a good thing.
4. He Can Clearly Articulate Plans for His Future Wife
Thanks — yet no thanks — to rom-coms, far too many people think that it’s fine to get married just on feelings alone. Yeah, please don’t do that. It’s also another article for another time that people who are serious about wanting to get married will be in a consistent state of preparation whether they are in a relationship or not.
When it comes to what that looks like for a man, one thing to keep in mind is he will be able to clearly articulate what he desires in a wife (by the way, please don’t try and challenge a man about what he wants; he has to live with her and, besides, you wouldn’t want him to do that to you. Either y’all are a good fit or not, yet don’t attempt to control his own narrative). Not only that, but he’ll be able to explain why he thinks a wife would be a good fit for him in this season, what he wants to bring into his future wife’s world, and some of the short- and long-term plans that he has for her and their marriage.
In other words, he won’t be like a guy I know (who is now divorced after 15 years of marriage) who, when I asked him why he was getting married (when he pretty much sucked even as a boyfriend), all he said was, “If I don’t do it now, I never will.” His marriage proposal was piss-poor, the marriage flailed the entire time, and even on the back end, he comes off as pretty nonchalant.
So many people’s marriages are less-than-impressive, even to them, and a huge part of the reason is that they failed to plan for their spouse and their marriage. They put a lot of thought into the wedding…and that’s about it. Red flag, red flag…RED FLAG.
5. He’s Emotionally Intelligent
Okay, so before we dive into this particular point, you might be tempted to assume that being emotionally available is the same thing as being emotionally intelligent. Yeah…not really (check out “5 Signs A Man Is Emotionally Available. 3 Signs He's Not.”).
While emotional availability is about being open to sharing your feelings and meeting the emotional needs of others, emotional intelligence is all about things like understanding emotions, articulating emotions, and maturely handling one’s emotions.
Listen, out of all of the things that we’ve already touched on here, a lot of people end up in divorce court because not only did they choose someone who was pretty emotionally unintelligent, but they also were lacking in that particular area themselves.
That said, emotionally intelligent people are:
- Proactive in praising other people
- Gracious and grateful
- Able to use more than “mad”, “sad” or “happy” to describe how they’re feeling
- Also able to receive feedback
- Great listeners
- Express themselves well
That’s 10 traits, and honestly, this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what emotional intelligence requires. Yet, I’m sure you can see that if more people looked for someone who was emotionally intelligent, it would definitely make their relationship — and their life, in general — go so much more smoothly.
6. He’s Sexually Healthy
This one, boy. Okay, so when I say that he should be “sexually healthy,” I’m not just speaking of him having a cleared STD test. No, what I mean is — and this is somewhat of a Shellie-ism more than anything — I don’t really trust ANYONE who claims that they are ready for marriage while they are still out here all willy-nilly in these streets, male or female. Because if you don’t have some sort of sexual self-control leading up to your wedding day, jumping a broom isn’t really going to change much of anything. Why? Because a wedding is an outward expression of some inward adjustments and decisions that have already transpired.
So yeah, a man who is truly marriage material? It shouldn’t be odd to you if he’s been abstinent for a season (several months or more). It shouldn’t seem strange to you if he speaks of sex from less of a recreational space and more of a spiritual and intimate one. If he admits that he used to be, umm, “super-friendly” and now he wants to take things slow, don’t assume that he’s got someone on the side — it could be a form of sexual discipline that he’s displaying (and good for him).
Now that I think about it, it’s kind of wild to say, yet I’ve got several male friends (over the age of 37) who used to be beyond promiscuous, who’ve all told me that it’s been months now since they’ve had any form of sex. None of them are in a serious relationship or necessarily even looking for one; they’ve just said that sex, just to be having it, has gotten old. Plus, oftentimes, the drama that potentially comes with it isn’t worth it, so they’d prefer to focus on self-work and wait until sex with someone is more meaningful (hey, they have no reason to lie to me; we’re just friends).
Guys like this? They are pretty close to being marriage-minded. Straight up.
7. He Actually WANTS to Get Married
Final point. Although it might evoke a collective "duh" from some of y'all, you'd be amazed how many women end up wasting very precious time that they will never get back, and it's all because they got involved with a man who liked or perhaps even loved them yet he didn't desire to get married. And either because they simply assumed that he did or they thought they could "love him into" wanting to be a husband, they ended up getting their feelings hurt. Extremely so.
Another thing to keep in mind? A man who wants to get married has no problem vocalizing it very early on. Meaning, on the third date, it won't be foreign for him to say, "I would love to start a family in the next couple of years," without you even having to coax it out of him. Guys who aren't interested in marriage — they tend to deflect from the topic altogether as much as they possibly can.
As we close this all up, I will say that it's important to keep in mind that just because a man doesn't want to be a husband, that doesn't mean he's not a good guy — GREAT even. So please don't manipulate matters by thinking that a man who doesn't want to be married somehow has some sort of "issues" (check out "Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON'T Desire Marriage?" and "12 Couples Reveal Why They're Happy With A Long-Term Commitment Instead Of Marriage"). Thinking like that speaks to your projecting more than anything else.
All I'm saying is a guy who is marriage material is a guy who will say, out of his own mouth, that marriage is on his menu, and so he will engage you in that manner — meaning, he will take time with you seriously, and if you are a good fit, he will state it; if he thinks you are not "his one," he will share that too…so that you both can get out of each other's way.
The thing about being “marriage material” is you’ve got to be cut from the kind of cloth that has marriage on your mind — not constantly yet enough to where you move with clear, thoughtful, and mature intention.Hopefully, this article sheds some (additional) light on what this looks like for a man. Hopefully, it also served as a heads up — or reminder — on what, in many ways, he’s looking for in a woman too. Proceed with discernment, y’all. And keep me posted. #winkLet’s make things inbox official!
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