

Your December 2020 Horoscopes Are All About Joy & Purpose
Your December monthly horoscopes have arrived! The first part of the month invites us to embrace our individuality and release stagnant beliefs that inhibit our self-expression. When Chiron goes direct, we'll be feeling more confident in who we are, what makes us unique, and the gifts that we are called to share with the world. After spending time in Capricorn, both Saturn and Jupiter shift into Aquarius, requiring us to take an innovative approach to the way we connect with others in this ever-changing world.
Towards the end of the month, Mercury and the Sun help us get grounded, making this a great time to plan for the year ahead. 2020 wraps up with a beautiful Full Moon in Cancer reminding us to take care of home (and self) first. Check out the horoscopes below to learn what's in store for your zodiac sign in December 2020:
Aries
Aries
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleSagittarius season is stirring up your wanderlust and when Mercury enters this adventurous zodiac sign, you're ready to buck Rona and book that week-long vacay in the Cayman Islands. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 14th clears out those false beliefs of yours that you adopted from people you've deemed wiser than you. It's time to be your own guru, babe!
When Venus shifts into this part of your sky, it's time to fall in love with your own experiences and the gems you've gained from bumping your head into a wall one too many times.
On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, snapping you back into your bold and confident self. Saturn and Jupiter both shift into Aquarius this month which has the potential to bring a lot of growth through your social network but not without hard work. It's time to crack that Instagram algorithm so the world can benefit from what you have to share. Towards the end of the month, Mercury and the Sun shift into Capricorn, encouraging you to make some long-term plans to achieve success in your career. December winds down with a cozy Full Moon in Cancer inviting you to enjoy a quiet night at home for some much-needed TLC.
Taurus
The month kicks off with Mercury entering Sagittarius, helping you gain a deeper understanding of a painful experience you've gone through. The New Moon Solar Eclipse serves to sweep away the old stories of victimhood in exchange for something more triumphant. When Venus enters this part of the sky, be mindful of overspending especially with the credit card. I get it—it's holiday season but that doesn't mean you have to go into even more debt. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, encouraging you to come out of hermit mode.
You've been in a space of deep reflection over the past few months and now it's time to embody the lessons you've been learning.
On the 17th, Saturn enters Aquarius and you're feeling the pressure to get ahead in your career. When Jupiter joins Saturn on the 19th, you'll likely feel a push-pull effect in the year ahead. One minute you're gaining traction and the next minute you're doubting why you're even trying. That's the test of Saturn so keep it moving, boo. Slow motion is better than no motion. On the 20th, Mercury enters Capricorn then the Sun joins up the next day, encouraging you to position yourself for success by sharpening up your skills, making this a good time to go back to school. The month comes to a close with a sweet Full Moon in Cancer encouraging you to be a little kinder to yourself. Nurture your healing and growth with more positive self-talk.
Gemini
Your relationships take front and center stage this month. When Mercury enters Sagittarius, don't be surprised if you or someone else is initiating the "we need to talk" convo. On the 14th, the New Moon Solar Eclipse takes the trash out for you—whether it's that one-sided relationship or that dead-end business partnership. It's time to let it go, Gemmie. When Venus enters this part of your sky, you're more interested in your freedom than being tied down to anyone or anything. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, helping you gain a better footing in your approach to friends and social networking.
Let your individuality shine forth boldly to attract a tribe that is the perfect fit for you.
When Saturn and Jupiter shift into Aquarius, it's time to buckle down a bit. You're notorious for knowing a little bit about a lot of things but these transits are going to require you to dive deeper into a topic so you can become more of an expert. I'm sure this sounds boring to the Jack of All Trades but Saturn will make your discipline and hard work well worth the effort. If you've been thinking about going back to school, enrolling in that workshop, or even becoming a teacher yourself, now is the time to go for it. Towards the end of the month, Mercury and the Sun link up in Capricorn which could have you receiving some good news about a loan, grant, or debt that you owe. December wraps up with a Full Moon in Cancer encouraging you to raise your prices and add tax. You're worth it, boo!
Cancer
December begins with Mercury entering Sagittarius on the 1st encouraging you to get your annual health screening. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 14th offers you the clarity you need to break a bad habit that's affecting you mentally or physically. When Venus moves into this part of your sky, it's time to fall (back) in love with your body. As tempting as it will be to indulge in the holiday treats, practice moderation to get an early start on your 2021 fitness resolution. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, motivating you to forge your way ahead in pursuit of success.
Stop trying to live up to other people's definition of a boss and figure out what this standard means to you.
Both Saturn and Jupiter shift gears into Aquarius after spending an arduous stint in Capricorn. Over the next couple of years, your expansion takes place by—believe it or not—going within. These transits invite you to get curious about yourself, why you are the way you are, why you attract certain people in your life, why patterns keep repeating. Your subconscious will go through quite the transformation but this is ultimately liberating you to reach greater heights in life. On the 20th, Mercury enters Capricorn and the Sun follows behind the next day. Important conversations in your key relationships are likely to take place. This is also a favorable time to sign or renegotiate contracts. The month comes to a close with a Full Moon in your sign reminding you to prioritize you in your constant state of giving. Treat yo' self to a makeover or a new wardrobe to set the tone for the new year ahead.
Leo
Can you feel the love in the air? Well, when Mercury enters Sag on the 1st, you'll def be feeling it whether you're falling head over heels this month or someone is revealing their feelings for you. The New Moon Solar Eclipse encourages you to resolve any disappointments in romance. Leave the past where it belongs so you can create a new and better cycle for yourself moving into the future. When Venus enters this part of your sky, you could be attracting more of the intellectual, worldly type that will stay up with you late at night to pick your brain. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct and you're feeling more confident about your personal truth and the beliefs that come with it.
There's no need to look outside of yourself for a guru when you have direct access to the Universe and all its wisdom.
After spending the past couple of years in Capricorn, Saturn shifts into Aquarius which has you getting more serious about your dating prospects. Who has the potential to be your lifelong partner? When Jupiter joins up with Saturn, you've got some big dreams about your ideal relationship which may seem a little out-of-the-box to some but as long as you're happy, that's all that matters. Mercury shifts gears on the 20th encouraging you to create more structure in your daily routines. We all have the same amount of time in each day. How are you spending yours? When the Sun enters Capricorn, you can no longer hide behind your procrastination. The month winds down with a cozy Full Moon in Cancer inviting you to reflect on the past year and rejuvenate yourself for a new year ahead.
Virgo
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Family matters take center stage when Mercury enters Sagittarius on the 1st. The New Moon Solar Eclipse is a powerful time for squashing any family drama or resolving a generational pattern that's been wreaking havoc on you and your kinfolk. When Venus enters this part of your chart, you could be feeling a little restless and in need of a vacation. You may consider relocating for the winter or permanently if you've outgrown your current residence. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct which has you feeling more confident in who you are as an individual.
As much as you love your tribe, it's important to establish a strong sense of your own personal identity to stay in alignment with your destiny.
When Saturn and Jupiter shift into Aquarius, your daily routines and habits may become increasingly boring, inviting you to get innovative in creating new ways to remain engaged with the work you do on a daily basis. We spend a lot of our time on social media these days making this a good opportunity to cultivate a healthier relationship with the use of these platforms. Towards the end of the month, Mercury and the Sun link up in encouraging you to get creative and have some fun. Adulting is a priority but so is nurturing your inner child. December wraps up with a sentimental Full Moon in Cancer which could have you wrapping up a cycle or friendships that aren't as nurturing as you need them to be. Release them with love and remain open for the blessings to come.
Libra
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
Mercury enters Sagittarius on the 1st, infusing you with the holiday spirit. You're feeling bold and expressive during this transit, making it an auspicious time if you work in communications, education, or social media. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 14th helps you tie up loose ends on any creative projects you've been working on. This is also a powerful reset in regards to your own inner-dialogue. When Venus enters this part of your sky, you're attracting more passionate, enthusiastic folks that have you inspired to aim higher when it comes to your vision for 2021. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, giving you the confidence to assert yourself in your relationships.
If someone isn't willing to try to meet your needs, then what's the point of having them around?
On the 17th, Saturn shifts into Aquarius, encouraging you to take your creative ideas more seriously over the next couple of years, making this a great time to dust off those old childhood dreams. When Jupiter meets up with Aquarius, there are many blessings to be gained through your consistent efforts and your commitment to expressing yourself more authentically. On the 20th, Mercury enters Capricorn shortly followed by the Sun. You may feel the desire to lay some more solid roots down. Investing in property or family planning may be at the top of your to-do list over the next few weeks. December culminates with a Full Moon in Cancer which could have you celebrating a milestone or completion within your career.
Scorpio
December kicks off with Mercury shifting into Sagittarius, reminding you to reel it in when it comes to the retail therapy. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 14th likely has you in your feels and you'll be tempted to make some purchases in hopes of comforting yourself. This is fine as long as you're not going into debt or putting other priorities to the back burner for the sake of a new Birkin bag. When Venus enters this part of your chart, you could be attracting a passionate, worldly person into your life that has some wisdom to share from their own personal experiences that can help with what you're currently dealing with.
On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, helping you feel more empowered about your health. Channel your rage and frustrations into a kickboxing class or some cardio.
When Saturn and Jupiter shift into Aquarius, you're invited to lay a solid foundation for yourself. This is a time in which you are reconnecting with your sense of home and family—which everyone defines differently. Investing in property may be at the top of your to-do list in the next couple of years. On the 20th, Mercury shifts gears into Capricorn and is shortly followed behind by the Sun. Sit down and create a strategy for how you want to proceed into 2021. What legacy are you building and what are the next steps in fulfilling that? The month comes to a close with a sweet Full Moon in Cancer, reinforcing your intuitive gifts in a way that can be shared with others to heal and nurture them.
Sagittarius
You're the star of the show for the first part of the month as the Sun continues to transit through your sign. When Mercury teams up with the Sun on the 1st, you're ready to spread the gift of the holiday spirit with anyone in sight. The New Moon Solar Eclipse marks the beginning of a period of significant change for you over the next year. Your world as you know it will look completely different whether you're starting a new career, moving across the country, or getting married. When Venus enters this part of your sky, the birthday blessings are coming in full force.
Ask and ye shall receive. On the 15th, Chiron finally goes direct to silence your inner critic so you can get back to what you do best—create.
A few days later, Saturn and Jupiter are linking up in Aquarius. These transits will require you to restructure the way that you communicate and interact with others. With social distancing being a huge factor this year, you could be thinking of some creative ways to cultivate a sense of community and connection with other like-minded folks. On the 20th, Mercury enters Capricorn, revolving your conversations around money and business. When the Sun meets up with Mercury, you're ready to make some boss moves which could have you signing your name on the dotted line to start that new job, work with that new client, or launch a new product or service. By the end of the month, we're winding down with a sensitive Full Moon in Cancer encouraging you to have a good cry or therapy session to release the heavy emotions many felt this year. You're on to bigger and better things in 2021. Chin up, queen!
Capricorn
In the first part of the month, you're invited to disconnect from the grind and reconnect with your peace. When Mercury enters Saggie on the 1st, it's time to dream a little. Every accomplishment starts with a vision and the New Moon Solar Eclipse is helping you clear out anything that is blocking your creative potential. On the 15th, Venus moves into this part of your sky inviting you to fall in love with the Divine. You've got a direct connection to an infinite well of wisdom, creativity, and passion that can definitely take you to the next level when the time is right. Once Chiron goes direct, you're more clear about who you are as an individual. Your family may have certain expectations of you but you're not living your life to please them.
Serve your soul first and let the rest fall into place.
You finally get the much-awaited break from Saturn being in your sign these past couple of years. Now that your ruling planet shifts into Aquarius, most of the heat is off of your back and you can breathe a sigh of relief. Over the next couple of years, you're invited to restructure your finances and get creative when it comes to new ways of making money. Your discipline will be rewarded, especially when Jupiter wraps up its transit in Aquarius this time next year. If anyone knows that hard work pays off, it's you. Commit to the vision to secure your success. On the 20th, Mercury moves into your sign shortly followed by the Sun. It's time to come out of your solitude to celebrate your birthday! What better way to end the year than with a Full Moon in your opposite sign helping you close out a cycle in the way that you do relationships. Reassess the connections that truly nurture and support you and release those that don't with love.
Aquarius
December kicks off with Mercury entering Sagittarius on the 1st, making this the perfect time to do what you do best—socialize. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 14th could have you reevaluating some people in your inner circle. Don't be surprised if someone exits your life during this time. Trust that the two of you have outgrown the connection and are on the road to new friendships that are more in alignment with your truth. When Venus enters this part of your sky, you'll have no problem meeting new people that inspire you to dream bigger and live your life boldly. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, reminding you of the importance of embracing your unique qualities and gifts that only you can offer to the world.
Don't be shy, now. Share those gems. You never know who needs to hear your story.
On the 17th, Saturn shifts into your sign which will bring some major changes to how you show up in the world. Your identity as you know it is being redefined throughout this transit. When Jupiter enters Aquarius, you're encouraged to make the right connections—not just for the sake of getting ahead but also as a means of support as you embark on this journey over the next couple of years. Towards the end of the month, Mercury and the Sun meet up in Capricorn, inviting you to slow down, reflect, and rest. Your birthday season is right around the corner and you'll need all the rest you can get to celebrate. The month comes to a close with a Full Moon in Cancer illuminating ways that you can improve your health through better self-care practices. If you don't take care of yourself, who else will?
Pisces
The first part of the month has you feeling restless when Mercury enters Sagittarius. Your mind is racing with ideas that you want to execute in your career in 2021. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 14th could have you making some changes in your career. Even if you're working a 9-5, you have bigger dreams and now is the time to start pursuing them. You don't necessarily have to quit your corporate gig (although some of you will), so you may have to make the extra effort to juggle two things at once—your responsibility and your passion. When Venus enters this part of your sky, you're attracting just the right people to get you out of a rut.
On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, boosting your self-esteem and giving you the courage to share some of those hidden gifts you've been depriving the world of.
When Saturn and Jupiter link up in Aquarius, your subconscious will undergo a transformation that you can help catalyze by getting more serious about your spiritual practices. As "go with the flow" as you are, it's time for a little structure in whether that be joining a spiritual community, developing a ritual, or meditating more regularly. On the 20th, Mercury enters Capricorn with the Sun following behind on the 21st. It's time to buckle down when it comes to long-term dreams that you'd like to accomplish. Connecting with other power players will help hold you accountable and ensure your success. Let your heart sing with joy and gratitude for all of the love in your life!
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Featured image by Laci Jordan for xoNecole
This post is in partnership with Ulta Beauty.
Gone are the days where we prioritize “the grind” over our own wellbeing. #Teamnosleep is canceled. Millennial women are prioritizing themselves and their rest above all else, and we love to see it. We’re seeing proof of this powerful shift everywhere we look, but especially in the #softlife hashtag that’s been trending all over social media. The soft life movement is all about pursuing the path of least resistance, choosing ease over struggle, and relaxing in your vulnerability.
xoNecole and Ulta Beauty have identified six beauty influencers who are fully embracing the “soft life.” They’re rejecting the notion that their worth is measured by their professional output, how many followers they have, or how hard they’re hustling. Each of these creative powerhouses has learned to make self-care a non-negotiable in their lives while walking into the fullness of their most authentic selves. There will always be a demand for more content amidst the ever-changing algorithms, but as influencers like Tiffany Renee, Caitlyn Davis, and Alanna Doherty know all too well, you can’t properly show up for others until you fully show up for yourself first.
Read all about how these six beauty influencers are approaching the soft life on their own terms.
Caitlyn Davis
Hometown: Atlanta, GA
Can’t live without products:primer, micellar water, and curl cream
As a full-time content creator and founder of the college clothing label HBCU Yearbook, Caitlyn Davis is no stranger to hard work. She started gaining followers while attending undergrad at FAMU, filming natural hair tutorials for YouTube in her dorm room. From there, she steadily picked up ambassador gigs for popular online fashion and beauty brands. “[They were] paying us around $300 a month,” she remembers. “I thought I was doing something with my money. I was like, ‘What? I'm getting paid to do something that I love?’ It became a snowball effect.”
After linking up with a cousin who had just become a makeup artist, Caitlyn fell in love with the idea of creating beauty content. “Beauty just elevates your personality,” she tells xoNecole. “And because it does that, you just feel better about yourself. And when you do that and show other people and they start learning and getting better at makeup and beauty, their personality and confidence starts to elevate as well.”
Caitlyn admits that maintaining a healthy work-life balance doesn’t come easy for her. She’s a self-proclaimed workaholic who takes pride in her business. “[I’ve learned] the soft life is working hard for what you want but knowing we're deserving of the best life has to offer, including rest.” When life gets overwhelming, she turns to the great outdoors. “I go on hikes,” she says. “There’s something about being in nature, being grounded, hearing birds, the trees moving, and water [flowing] that immediately de-stresses me."
Tiffany Renee
Hometown: Knoxville, TN
Can’t live without products:brow pencil, leave-in conditioner, and vitamin C serum
Tiffany Renee grew up on a farm in Tennessee, where her first introduction to the world of beauty and fashion came via Tyra Banks. The smizing supermodel’s competition series “America’s Next Top Model” drew this southern girl in. “Beauty wasn't really a thing [in the environment I grew up in],” she says. “So I've got to give it to Tyra. A lot of my posing and wearing my makeup a certain way had a lot to do with Tyra and how she coached those models. As I got older and started experimenting more with makeup, I just grew to love it more and more.” Tiffany says she sharpened her makeup skills by learning one thing at a time, starting with winged eyeliner. Next brows, and then lashes. Along the way, she made it a point to develop the techniques that worked for her face rather than copying and pasting from YouTube tutorials.
After moving to Atlanta in 2012, Tiffany began to rack up followers on Instagram with her beauty, hair, and fashion content. She even created an online community called “Curl Gang,” which celebrates the beauty and versatility of natural hair. With all she’s accomplished, Tiffany says she’s most proud of shedding her tough exterior and learning to be vulnerable. “My life has been pretty tough, so that made me a tough woman,” she tells xoNecole. “In my relationships, I've always had this tough persona on the outside, but really, I'm internally very much a soft person.
“For me, taking on the soft life was doing the work to break that mold, and accept that it's okay to be vulnerable,” she continues. “It's okay to be expressive. It's okay to love people. It's not just about the tasks of my life, but more so about my well-being. I’m actively deciding not to hold onto things that make me [have to] be tough.”
For self-care, Tiffany likes to pour herself a nice glass of wine and, if all else fails, throw on a quick beat. “I definitely tap into the motto that if you look good, you feel good.”
Kinya Claiborne
Hometown: Napa, California
Can’t live without products: red lipstick, clip-in extensions, and moisturizer
They say if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life. Kinya Claiborne is living proof. This lifestyle influencer has a professional resume that would make any recruiter salivate. She’s worked in print, television, and radio, and has even overseen public relations for billion-dollar projects. But like all creatives at heart, there came a point in her career where she felt a calling elsewhere. “My job wasn't sexy,” she admits. “I still loved my job and I loved working in corporate America, but there was a void. There were other things that I also loved that my job wasn't fulfilling.”
Inspired by the DailyCandy newsletters she used to read in college, Kinya launched her own lifestyle magazine called Style & Society which covers fashion, beauty, health, wellness, entertainment, travel - all the things Kinya loves. What started as a creative outlet turned into a booming business. Her readers wanted to know more about her, which led her to posting photos of herself inside her stories. “I started Style & Society back in 2013. The term influencer didn't exist back then. Brands started contacting me and wanting me to do product placements and campaigns. That's how my social media following started growing. Then eventually, the term influencer came about, and at that point, I had already been doing it.”
As you can tell from her Instagram, Kinya is always well put together. Her early beauty memories include getting her hair done at the salon with her mom and wearing different lipstick colors to school. Kinya says she’s always been a girly girl. but she’s as resilient as they come. The Northern Californian survived the Route 91 festival shooting in 2017. She also lost her brother to suicide. From her perspective, being soft isn’t just about pampering yourself, but showing up for those around you. “You can't just look at someone and know how they're feeling,” she says. “It’s so important to check in, because even a phone call, text message, or just saying hello to a stranger could really change their path.”
Taylor Winbush
Hometown: Jacksonville, Florida
Can’t live without products:brow pencil, deep conditioner, and moisturizer
For Taylor Winbush, presentation is everything. Embracing that belief has gotten her far. “My mom would always say ‘dress how you want to be treated,’” she says. “She would always dress up to go to the grocery store, making sure her hair was always done, and she was fresh-faced. She taught me that when you look better, you feel better.”
As a dancer and theater performer, Taylor got to hone in on her makeup skills early. “I remember even from a young age, when I used to take ballet classes, they would make you do your makeup way in the back of the mirror to make sure you'd be able to see it [far from the stage].” After moving to Atlanta in 2019 to pursue a career in acting and commercial modeling, Taylor discovered she could book more gigs if she added “content creator” to her resume. As a beauty lover, it came naturally to her, and it’s paid off tenfold.
At the start of the year, Taylor stepped out on faith and decided to work for herself full-time. She acknowledges that it’s a risk, but nothing a little discipline can’t manage. “As long as I'm doing my part, then I truly and firmly believe that God will handle the rest.”
Aside from constantly developing her self-discipline, Taylor says she’s embracing the soft life by taking care of her physical and spiritual temple. “I'm a super giving person, so I would give a lot of my time to friends and family, making sure everyone else is taken care of before me,” she says. “There's a saying that if you help someone build their sandcastle first, then what will you have left to build? I’m learning you have to take care of yourself first in order for you to help someone else.”
Thamarr Guerrier
Hometown: Jacksonville, FL
Can’t live without products:liquid eyeliner, SPF spray, and satin bonnet
Fashion and beauty haven’t always been a welcoming world for curvy women, but that hasn’t stopped influencer Thamarr Guerrier from accepting her rightful seat at the table. This bubbly and effervescent content creator started her lifestyle blog, Musings of a Curvy Lady, back in 2012 on her lunch break working as a nurse. “I started [my blog] as a way to promote personal style and beauty in this body of mine,” Thamarr shared on her site. “Visibility matters and you’re going to see me. I’m going to take up all the space and bring my own chair to the table.”
Thamarr’s beauty memories stem all the way back to childhood. “I was obsessed with watching my mother do her hair and makeup in the mirror,” she says. “I played dress-up in her clothes and would sneak and put on her mascara. I just couldn’t wait to be old enough to wear lipstick.”
If you peep her IG feed, you’ll notice Thamarr documents her globetrotting in head-turning looks that will make you want to book a one-way ticket to your nearest island. But it’s actually not her extravagant travel experiences that bring her the most peace. It’s the little things, like sipping a glass of wine during her skincare routine as Kacey Musgraves plays in the background. “After a shower, I always feel a little better, especially after a crummy day,” she tells xoNecole. “It’s also my favorite place to shed a tear or two. After my literal and sometimes emotional cleanse, I feel renewed. I talk positively to myself as I pamper myself with my favorite products. Taking the time and being purposeful as I go.”
Thamarr’s interpretation of “the soft life” is to live and love in a way that makes her inner being the happiest. “If it brings me peace, it’s the soft life for me.”
Alanna Doherty
Hometown: Bridgetown, Barbados
Can’t live without products:mascara, leave-in conditioner, and SPF
It’s hard not to feel a spark of joy when you browse through Alanna Doherty’s IG page. It’s chock-full of Alanna dressed to the nines in bright psychedelic patterns. Her lush ‘fro bounces back and forth in all its glory as Alanna jams to her favorite tunes. Alanna is happiness personified, but her initial introduction to beauty was quite the opposite. “I started loving makeup and beauty products because I felt they were necessary in order to cover up my insecurities,” she tells xoNecole. “I’m finally starting to truly fall in love with them this year. I no longer need a full face of makeup to make me feel good. I’m perfectly happy going without any at all now, but love that I have the option to play with makeup. It’s more of a creative process now and I LOVE that!”
Alanna’s bold and colorful aesthetic is brave and inspiring. And when it comes to the soft life, she’s honest enough to admit that she’s figuring it out along the way. “For years I’ve been putting my own self-care behind work and I’m now starting to realize its importance in my life,” she says. “I’ve still got a long way to go but ‘the soft life’ to me would be creating the space to focus on myself and taking the time to enjoy it. I see long walks along the beach, spas, more hot yoga, and relaxing on the balcony.”
Featured image courtesy of Tiffany Renee
Ask Yourself The Following 7 Questions Before Calling It Quits
(Some of y’all) can hate on the Tubi app if you want to, but if there’s one thing that it’s gonna do (for free, I might add), it's bring up some memories of shows that you haven’t thought about for a hot minute. Take the Black indie seriesSexless and its spin-off,Chef Julian, for example. The realness of the writing, along with the way the shows overlap, is truly a — pardon the pun — chef’s kiss.
So much, in fact, that the character Wendy had me triggered all over again as I binge-watched both shows recently. I mean, c’mon — who dates best friends and then tries to play victim while doing so? Yeah, accountability is a lost art in both reality and fiction, in art and in life. SMDH.
As again, I watched her try and navigate through both relationships as she strived to figure out which man would truly be the best fit for her, I thought about a question that I get emailed on a semi-regular basis. When you’ve been with someone for a while, when you have deep and profound feelings for them, and when you’re not sure if you’re just being “extra” or something really is “off” in the relational dynamic — how do you know if it’s time to stay vs. when it’s time to go?
Before we get all up into this, let me just say that I’m addressing this particular topic from the angle of NOT being married. Because I personally think that the covenant of marriage is way more sacred and serious than a dating situation, I would be giving some different advice for husbands and wives. Also, I’m not including the topic of abuse (neglect included) because I’m hoping it goes without saying that if any type or level of that is transpiring, you definitely need to bring things to a swift and permanent end.
With all of that out of the way, today, we’re going to explore seven questions that you should ask yourself in the instance that you just can’t seem to “scratch the itch” on whether you should remain with your bae…because while nothing is actually “bad,” things are not as good as they used to be either. And since time is precious and you don’t want to waste it, you want to make sure that you’re right where you’re supposed to be.
Are you ready to (hopefully) gain more clarity than you had before clicking on this article? Let’s do this.
1. Do I Get That Even Relationships Have “Seasons”?
Ecclesiastes 3 starts out talking about the fact that there are times and seasons for everything. And you know what? Relationships are not exempt. The reason why I’ve written articles for the site like “The ‘Seasons Of Sex’ That Married People Go Through” is because everything in this life has seasons — you know, periods when things shift. When it comes to the weather, whether we like the season that we’re in or not, we simply adjust because…what choice do we have?
Oh, but when it comes to relationships, so many of us have been conditioned to think that things are supposed to remain one way (usually the way we want it to be), without fluctuating, the entire time, that when there is a season of distance, disconnect or misunderstanding, we automatically believe it’s our cue to bounce instead of taking some time to process if it’s simply a period for communicating, maturing and learning more about our partner.
Listen, there is no way that people can grow without it affecting those around them, especially the ones whom they are closest to. So, before you decide to end things with your significant other, talk to them about what’s going on so that both of you can figure out if you’re going through an unfamiliar or uncomfortable season or if things are transitioning in a way where the relational dynamic no longer serves one or both of you.
Because I’ll tell you what — the people who have mastered longevity in relationships know that just like the weather, sometimes there are things that you have to learn to be flexible about…because even if you’re not thrilled with how certain things are at the moment, just like the weather, oftentimes, those things will change. Just like summer isn’t forever and fall comes in due time.
Plus, if you’re someone who can adapt well, there are pros and cons with different seasons, too. For instance, if this is a season when your partner is working more hours or traveling more than usual, if the goal is to get promoted or stack bread, the extra time that you have for yourself could help you to create some more long-term or short-term goals, pick up a hobby or do some self-work. Then, by the time things level back out, you’ll both be better people because of the “season.” See what I mean?
2. Did I Go into This with Unrealistic or Unfair Expectations?
I’m gonna tell you, right out the gate, what an unrealistic or unfair expectation is: If you thought that things were always gonna go your way or you were gonna get what you want right when you want it. I can’t tell you how many people have pretty much worn me out in counseling sessions, and it’s all because they thought a relationship was a catering service — that them being happy all of the time was to be the top priority and non-negotiable goal.
WRONG.
Something that wisdom, maturing, and self-reflection will teach you is that one of the main purposes of a relationship is to be with someone you love, respect, enjoy, trust, and can rely on to help you become a better person as you do the same for them. And no, that is not always going to be a fairy tale. In fact, I have said on many occasions that I loathe fairy tales (for adults) because I know what they mean: a story told to children and/or an incredible and misleading account. And don’t even get me started on the women who profess that they are waiting on their Prince Charming. After all, the Bible tells us that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Does this mean that you shouldn’t expect to have your needs — and even some of your wants — met? Of course, you should. Yet your needs need to make (reachable) sense. And honestly, a lot of folks could stand to ask themselves if they are able to give their partner all of the things that they expect from them (because many cannot).
So, what are some examples of unrealistic/unfair expectations?
- Expecting your partner to think just like you do
- Expecting your partner to read your mind
- Expecting love to mean that you won’t have to compromise
- Expecting your partner to give above their means
- Expecting your partner to be the sole source of your happiness
- Expecting your partner to love you more or better than you love yourself
- Expecting your partner to put their own needs in jeopardy just to meet yours
- Expecting your partner to always agree with or concede to you
- Expecting your relationship to always have good times and no challenges
- Expecting your partner to be the only one to make sacrifices
- Expecting every expectation to be met
I really was on a roll while writing these out, yet I’m sure you get the gist. Being in a relationship with another human being means that they have their own opinions, perspectives, and expectations — and they aren’t always going to match yours. And so, if you think that the sign of a healthy relationship is that they should, you really should be alone instead of trying to be with someone else. Because that way of thinking is the most unrealistic of them all.
3. Are We Incompatible or Am I Just Impatient?
When you get a chance, please read, “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life.” In another article, I’ll be addressing why love is not enough in relationships. For now, one of the reasons why that is the case is because you can LOVE a lot of people who you simply cannot DO LIFE with. That’s why it really is important to seriously ponder if you and he are compatible or not.
To be compatible means that you share similar values, have like-minded relational goals, want the same long-term things out of life, have at least some of the same interests, and complement each other well when it comes to things like communication and meeting each other’s needs.
Listen, I’ve loved a few men in my life where these boxes did not check off, and because of our feelings for each other, we stayed together far longer than we ever should’ve.
At the same time, what if you are compatible with someone, but you’re just impatient as hell? I’ve been watching the current season ofReady to Love, and there are some women on there who are mad pushy when it comes to the clock. Personally, I don’t even know how you can hop on a show where you just met some dudes and roll up on them talking about how you want to be married by the end of the year. Yeah, it’s another message for another time, the amount of people who are tied to a goal more than a person.
Anyway, sometimes your partner can be in the same chapter as you (love story-wise) yet still not necessarily on the same page. Meaning, say that you want to be married this year, and he wants to wait until this time next year — are you contemplating ending things without considering his frame of mind? Maybe he wants to save money. Maybe he’s trying to secure some things professionally first. Maybe he wants to give you the kind of wedding (and ring) you want without relying on credit to get it.
It's one thing to end a relationship because you both want different things out of life. Oh, but it’s completely different to bounce because you’re used to folks giving into your pressure, ultimatum, or time frames. I’m not the one who thinks that a good man is hard to come by; I know many. I do think finding YOUR FIT isn’t as easy as you might believe, though.
A Canadian writer by the name of Janette Oke once said, “Impatience can cause wise people to do foolish things,” and, to that, the Good Book says that “Loveis patient” (I Corinthians 13:4). If you’re gonna end something, make sure it’s because the puzzle pieces don’t fit; not because you’re too impatient to see how the pieces will create a beautiful picture…when the time is right.
4. Do I Still Love, Like and Respect Him?
The married couples whom I work with know that I live by a certain, I guess you can call it a motto: “If you still like each other, you can get back to love.” Liking someone is about enjoying their personality, wanting to spend time with them, and having feelings that are rooted in friendship, acceptance, and appreciation. When those things are present and accounted for, all of the butterflies, googly eyes, and sheer lust that the feelings of love may provide — they can usually get you through the seasons when those feelings seem to be missing.
And respect? Listen, a lot of women get triggered by the fact that the Bible instructs husbands to love their wives while telling wives to respect — respect, not love — their husbands (Ephesians 5:33), yet you know what? If you’re gonna be real with yourself, you know that it’s hard to love a man who you don’t respect — who you don’t esteem. We’re simply not wired to trust a man who we don’t think will be a good provider, protector, and leader on some level.
Confession time: I stayed in a relationship with someone who I really liked, kind of loved, and absolutely did not respect (as a man) for quite some time, once upon a time. And all it did was make me resentful and him insecure — and that was a form of mental and emotional torture for both of us.
You’re not doing a man any favors by staying with him if you don’t respect him. And it doesn’t make sense to try and build a future with someone who you don’t like a ton. As far as love goes, love is a beautiful thing — very. All I’m saying is, like, love and respect are a package deal when it comes to how we see a man. If one of those things is missing, ask yourself why and then be honest about if anything can be done to change how you’re feeling or…not.
5. What Would Improve About My Life If I Leave?
This right here. Although this article is for people who are dating and not married, I do think it would be beneficial to put on record that, on average, somewhere between 30-40 percent of people regret getting a divorce. I think one of the main reasons is because the person you were when going into a marriage isn’t the person you are leaving it. You’re older. Dating dynamics in society have changed (and are ever-changing). You probably have a different set of life circumstances that may make dating more challenging (for instance, you may have kids now, and it takes a very special person to be a good potential stepparent).
Unfortunately, a lot of people will leave a relationship without considering this, only to have the ice-cold water of reality hit them smack dab in the face.
Now listen, I will be the first person to say that one of the major perks of dating is you don’t have to try and put the same effort into your relationship as married folks do. In fact, all of these non-engaged folks who spend months and years in couples therapy to try and make things work? Unless you’re someone who is in a long-term relationship with no desire to ever get married (check out “12 Couples Reveal Why They're Happy With A Long-Term Commitment Instead Of Marriage”), I don’t even get why you’re going through all of the trouble (or is it drama?). Some people have acted married before marriage so often, they don’t take marriage seriously enough when it finally does happen for them. SMDH.
This is where this particular question comes in. When you’re just dating, you really don’t have to hold on for dear life. You’re not “failing” if you realize that someone really is awesome — just not the right or best fit for you. And the reason why you know this is because you can actually name more than three ways that your life would get better if you left them alone.
Maybe you’d feel less stressed out. Maybe you’d have more time to focus on some personal ambitions. Maybe you’re compromising some core values that you want to get back to. Maybe they have you questioning some things about yourself that you know you shouldn’t be. Sometimes it’s as simple as maybe you’re feeling like something/one is better for you, and you know you won’t find them while you’re still…where you’re at.
This particular question really is underrated on a lot of levels because, while a lot of people are out here ending relationships on an emotional impulse, when you know that you’re leaving because you have a literal list of how your life would improve if you did dip out, that makes grieving the relationship less painful and finding closure, on some levels, less necessary (as far as dragging things out are concerned).
6. What Would Be Beneficial If I Stay?
If something (or one) isn’t making you better, it’s either keeping you stagnant or making you worse, and you know what? Neither of those are good. So yeah, it’s also wise to ask yourself how you would benefit — mind, body, and spirit — to stay where you’re at. And honestly, one of the best ways to figure out the answer to this question is to fully take in a relationship-based quote that I have shared on the platform before:
“As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I in a love relationship do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.” (Leo Buscaglia)
When something (or someone) benefits you, they are helpful, they are useful, they are constructive. No, this does not speak to transactional dating (which is oftentimes very self-centered and mercenary); what this means is they are improving your quality of life — prayerfully, on several levels. And no, this does not mean that everything is easy all of the time, either.
Sometimes, what helps you is constructive criticism. Sometimes what’s useful for you is being challenged in ways you’ve never been before. Sometimes what’s constructive is learning how to be more flexible, understanding, and forgiving (umm, like you would want your partner to be towards you…right?).
So, just like you should ask yourself how you would get better if you left, be real about how you are becoming better by staying. This is where a good old-fashioned pros and cons list comes in super handy. If the “improve” outweighs the “beneficial,” if you know that you are not becoming more of who you need to be thanks, in part, to the influence of the relationship…well…I’m sure you get what I’m about to say…about that.
7. Have I Been Here Before?
A wise person once said, “Everywhere you go, there you are” and boy, can it be a hard pill to swallow sometimes. Something else that I’m a firm believer in is that the universe will keep you in the same “life class” for decades if needed, until you learn whatever it is that a particular lesson is trying to teach you. So, one more question: Before you decide to call it quits, how many times have you been in this same spot — the same kind of relationship? The same type of guy? The same kind of issues? The same type of break-up?
Because there is absolutely no point in abruptly chalking it up to, “It was all his fault…again,” just so you can find another man to say this about in another six months or a year. If you’ve been here before, take some time out to do some serious self-pondering as to why.
__________
Every action has a reaction; I’m pretty sure that you’ve heard that saying at least once before — and when it comes to ending a relationship, it is most definitely true. If you’re wondering if you should, honestly, that’s already a feeling that is trying to tell you something. However, now that you’ve read all of this, hopefully, you can take some actions that you will feel at peace about…and won’t regret.
Because if you’re gonna end something, it’s a good idea to know why, so you can feel truly at peace about doing it — and yes, I’m speaking from very up close and personal experience here. Get your internal answers. Move wisely from there, sis.
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