What It Means To Date Again After Losing The Man You Loved
It was a quiet Friday morning in September.
I got up early to get my 6-year-old daughter ready for school. My husband had lost his job a few months before, so I opted to make coffee at home instead of making my usual stop at our nearby McDonald's. I thought to myself, I'm just going to do my part. Frustrated by the previous months my husband and I had been experiencing, it was clear to me that some changes needed to be made as soon as possible. After grabbing a convenient to-go cup from the pantry, my daughter and I hurried out of our third floor apartment that morning. As we closed the door behind us, neither of us bothered to announce our departure.
We returned home later that evening around 5:30PM. I reached for my keys to unlock our apartment door. As the door opened I immediately saw my husband lying on the kitchen floor with his feet sticking out into the hallway. I was instantly overcome with panic. Is this the part when I call 911? Is this a set up? Go hide baby. I don't want you to see this!
A long 20 seconds passed as I scrambled for my phone to call 911. He's not breathing. I need help. Please come quickly... What do you mean do CPR?
I hysterically attempted CPR on the man I loved so dearly and despised just as often. I tasted strawberries on his breath. I watched as my air filled his lungs. I watched his blue face slightly change from white then back to blue. Is this working? The paramedics arrived, and I hung up the phone. I watched both of our lives fade away that evening.
Within weeks of grieving my husband, I soon discovered he was leading a very different life than what I had known.
His life was consumed by drugs, women, lies, and many secrets that were just too much to bear. Shortly after, I found myself with this new sense of freedom and urge to start over and start dating again.
I quickly learned that not much had changed in the dating scene, but it was much different dating as a widow than seven years ago. After months of having roller coaster emotions surrounding my husband's death and going on many failed dates, I'd like to shed some light into the world of widowhood by sharing what one can expect from dating a widow, and how to cope with earth-shattering grief while dating.
We Are Not Over It
I went to work that morning as a married woman and came home only to find that I had been widowed six hours prior. I loved this man. We had a daughter together who embodies all of the good things he was. Grief does not manifest itself when we tell it to. Grief does not turn off when we want it to either, but this also does not mean that we can't fall in love again. It does not mean that we will never marry again. It does not mean we can't return to normalcy, laugh till our stomachs hurt, or even take risks. It simply means we have experienced a loss that we will cope with forever. We are not over it, and you don't have the right to tell us that we should be one year from now, or ten years from now.
The Difference Between Dad & Husband
Although I pride myself on being honest with my daughter about the details surrounding my husband's death, her memories of him are not quite the same as mine, but I have vowed to preserve her truth by acknowledging the good things she has to say about him. We are mothers who have children that mourn and adore their fathers. Sometimes our schedules are no longer as flexible and our money isn't as available as it once was. We would be lying to say we don't crave your attention and want to be with you every single day, but adjusting to being a single mother is a whole new monster we have taken on. We lost a set of hands, eyes, income, and so much more. Don't be flaky. Everyone's time is valuable. Be mindful of the adjustments we have to make with our children.
We Aren't Interested In Pity
I remember having the "why are you single" conversation with someone. His eyes got wide as he slightly tilted his head, Oh your husband died? Oh man, I'm so sorry. We experience so many triggers day in and day out. There is never the right moment to tell someone that you are a widow. It is very awkward trying to comfort the person on the other end of the table who has just heard the news for the first time. We don't want your pity. If anything we simply want your understanding, and we appreciate seeing how you will handle this new information. Will you run for the hills? We hope not.
Sex Is Desired
This is probably the hardest thing to address as a widow. Isn't it too soon? I thought you "weren't over it". How can you feel connected to anyone this quickly? In many areas of our lives, we are allowed to have more than one. We can have more than one child, buy more than one house, and even have more than one job. When it comes to partners and especially after an untimely death, we are often shamed for entertaining the idea of dating, but especially sex. The truth is we want to have sex again. Fun, passionate, fulfilling sex.
Discovering the truth about my marriage changed the way I viewed companionship and motherhood. Losing my husband forced me to reevaluate all of my relationships but most importantly the relationship I had with myself. I am now ready to take on a new journey of love by educating those brave people who take on the challenge of dating a widow and empowering widows to pick up the pieces, start over, and love again.
- As Told To LadyLauraCo
Featured image by Shutterstock
Born and raised in Newport News, VA, LadyLauraCo is Editor-in-Chief and creator of LadyLaura.Co, the blog and brand. As a lifetime writer, Laura hopes to reach young women all over the world by providing connections to literature and art, travel advice, and practical ways to pursue their best lives.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage