Should You Consider Dating Someone You're Not Attracted To?
I know, right? You would think that this is the kind of topic that doesn't even warrant a full-on article. Yet, the more I thought about my own personal experiences, the kind of conversations that I've had with married couples about it, and a video that I recently watched, it is my personal belief that the answer isn't quite as black-and-white or cut-and-dried as it might appear on the surface. But before I get into all of that, because I know that a lot of people will process, "Should you consider dating someone you're not attracted to?" as "Should you settle for less than what you really want in a relationship?", when it comes to that second question, the answer is "no". Mostly because, as my favorite quote on settling (by writer Maureen Dowd) states, "The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for."
Still, I don't really believe that it's an automatic that you should never consider someone that you aren't attracted to. One reason is because initial attraction can lean a bit on the shallow side of things (more on that in a sec). Another reason is because, as a very wise man said in his video entitled, "Attraction vs. Connection: 'Bro, you 'Wifed' the wrong one!'", a lot of us find ourselves in relationships that don't truly satisfy us; it's because we've believed that attraction and connection are one in the same when they absolutely are not (according to him, most men only truly connect with three women over the course of their lifetime, by the way). I tend to agree with him (we'll explore a bit more of his commentary in a moment as well).
Even if you're someone who just read those two paragraphs and still think that if you aren't attracted to a dude, a potential relationship can't go any further, while I'm not trying to change your mind, humor me for a few minutes, will you? At least allow me to offer up a few points that could possibly open up your perspective, just a bit—so that you can know if a lack of initial attraction could be hindering you from establishing a truly powerful and lasting connection with someone.
What Is Attraction Initially All About, Anyway?
GiphyAttraction is powerful. There's no questioning that. When I think of all of the men who I've been physically attracted to over the course of my lifetime, this definition of attraction definitely applies—"to draw by a physical force causing or tending to cause to approach, adhere, or unite". That's why it made so much sense to me, what a particular article shared. It was based on research about what men and women are most (initially) attracted to. Reportedly men are drawn to (shocker of all shockers), women who have a nice body while women like men who are taller than they are (I concur). However, the article also stated that when it comes to attributes like intelligence and kindness, those weren't much of a factor. That's because this particular study surveyed almost 70,000 individuals on what they look for in a casual partner not a committed one.
Y'all can check out my piece on casual sex to see that the word "casual" isn't exactly my favorite word in the world. That's because it means things like "without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing", "seeming or tending to be indifferent to what is happening; apathetic; unconcerned" and "without emotional intimacy or commitment". When something is casual, serious intention is not a factor. When something is casual, it's OK to be indifferent or apathetic towards it. When something is casual, there is no real intimacy or commitment involved. Casual kind of reminds me of a man who I am very physically attracted to who is also very physically attracted to me. One time, he asked me what I thought about us having a homie-lover-friend relationship. He's one of those guys who isn't really what I would consider to be a "f—kboy" yet he is a chronic commitment-phobe. Every few years, he gets an exclusive sex partner who he doesn't commit to, even though he only has sex with them. He likes the exclusivity of the sex while still keeping up emotional walls. A ton of people are just like him. It's an epidemic, to tell you the truth.
So yeah, if you're entering into something with someone and your intention is for it to be on the casual tip, of course looks are what's going to matter most to you. You're not trying to establish anything more than physical gratification and maybe a few dates and laughs.
That's why, to me, attraction is like icing on the cake. It's definitely what initially draws two people to one another, but it shouldn't hold a ton of merit. I mean, do you know how many attractive people get blindsided, cheated on and dumped? Tons. Just check out your favorite gossip blog; you'll see all sorts of examples.
So, why does it seem like so many of us put so much stock in attraction? I think that it's because a lot of us put attraction and connection into the same boat when they shouldn't be. This where the video that I referenced earlier comes in. As I was listening to a man who goes by the name Soul Immortal talk about the differences between attraction and connection, here is a part of what he shared:
"So, before we even get into it, there are two things that I want my brothers to understand, right? And the first thing is this—Sex is a byproduct. It's a byproduct of energies that are exchanged. You know what I'm sayin'?
It's just like when gasoline is made. You know, they take crude oil, they take several chemicals, they put it together and they make gasoline. Now when this gasoline is extracted, what's left is diesel fuel. Now diesel fuel is a beautiful thing. But this diesel fuel wouldn't have came to be if it wasn't for the creation of this gasoline, know what I'm sayin'?
So, sex is a byproduct, know what I'm sayin'? And the second thing is, we need to redefine intimacy. Intimacy is not the physical act. Intimacy is the fuel. The physical act is the byproduct…we have to understand that the physical body is only a catalyst. We have to understand that the physical act is only a primer."
So true, so true. A great example that Soul Immortal provided in the video is a friend of his and his wife. Soul Immortal said that when he initially saw the wife for himself, while his friend was what he knew many women would consider to be attractive, to him, the wife was around a six out of 10. But the more he watched his friend and his friend's wife interact with one another, she became a 10 out of 10. It was because they had such a beautiful connection.
I can relate to this. There have been many times when I've looked at a couple and, purely based on looks, I've wondered how one ended up with the other. But that's just based on appearance—the surface of things. I had to open myself up to the fact that clearly there is a connection there. But what makes a connection different from an attraction?
Is Attraction Costing You a True Connection?
A simple way to explain a connection is it's a link with or bond to another individual. I like the word "bond" because it refers to something that holds two people together. Shared principles and values can create a bond. Trust and reliability can create a bond. Individuals who are emotionally present and available for one another can create a bond. Folks who complement one another's lifestyle can create a bond. An article on Psychology Today's website on emotional connections shared that a "yes" to questions like, "When I ask for your attention, can you be available to me?", "Can you comfort me when I am anxious, sad, lonely, or afraid?" and "I need to know that you care about my joys, hurts, and fears. Will you care about me consistently and reliably?" also signifies a real bond. But here's the thing—how can you get to know someone long enough to discover if you are bonded, if all that you're caught up in is physical attraction?
When I reflect on my own relational past, there were two men, specifically, who I most definitely were not attracted to. They were also two of the best men that I've ever known to this day. Kind. Attentive. Patient. Thoughtful. Forgiving. The only reason why I know this about them, though, is because I pushed past the initial lack of physical attraction and got to know them as people. What it ultimately taught me was that there was a connection—it just wasn't meant to be romantic or sexual.
Yeah, that's what a lot of us miss when we're not being open to considering someone who we're not attracted to—we miss that our connection may serve a different purpose than a romantic relationship, if we'd simply give things a chance.
So, what exactly are you saying, Shellie? That you do think that it's important to consider dating someone I'm not attracted to? Kinda. I think what I'm saying more is that, when it comes to someone who is interested in you who you are not attracted to, you should ask yourself the following questions before totally shooting them down:
1. Have you been told that you’re addicted to a specific “type”?
GiphyAs cliché as it might sound, I really do like men who are tall, dark and handsome. The taller and darker, the better. But you know what? The man I have probably had the healthiest connection with is my late fiancé who was probably around 6'-6'1" (which is kinda short to me) and lighter than I am. When he first let me know that he was interested, I was like, "Yeah…naw." Not because he wasn't attractive, but because I was so hung up on what my type was. Hmph. My first love was "my type" and that negro got me arrested, made another baby while I was pregnant with his child and is one of the biggest commitment-phobes on the planet to this day.
The moral to the story is this. We all have preferences. It's perfectly fine to like what you like. But if you're not open to dating someone because you're not attracted to him, is it because you don't find him appealing at all? Or, is it simply because he's not what you are used to? If it's Column B, well…if all you eat is pizza how would you ever know if you like Thai food? Feel me?
2. Does the way a man looks validate you in some way?
There is a woman I used to know who had the ultimate form of low self-esteem. It's not that she isn't attractive; it's that she didn't feel that she was. And how that revealed itself was pretty cryptic. She would turn down perfectly nice guys who treated her well for the ones who, at least in her mind, were fine as hell—and treated her like dirt. The cycle got to be so much of a hamster wheel in her life that one time I asked her what her deal was. She said that she wanted to be the kind of woman who, whenever she walked into a room with a man, women would envy her. She said it would make her feel more attractive to be with someone who others thought was physically desirable.
If a lot of us were honest with ourselves, we've adopted this warped way of thinking before. Somewhere deep down, we think a good-looking man validates our own beauty. But looks really can be deceiving. Someone who immediately comes to my mind to prove this fact is ex-NFL player Darren Sharper. He's attractive. He's also currently in jail right now for drugging and raping women in various states. And the women I just told you about? The fine men dogged her, the nice men got married, and she's still single.
If you're rejecting someone simply because you don't think they are good enough to "validate" you, that really has very little to do with them and their appearance and more to do with you and your own self-image. And if that's the case, it would be best to be single and get your own self together for a while; to not be out here dating anyone—your type or otherwise.
3. Have you considered that ole’ boy serves a purpose that you can’t see—yet?
It's kind of interesting that, when we're not physically attracted to someone, sometimes we can repel them as if they've got some sort of plague or something. You like me, I'm not interested. Please stop talking to me. But y'all, one of my closest friends is someone who used to be attracted to me, although I was never attracted to him. Had I left it at that, I wouldn't have the blessings in my life that come as the direct result of him being a part of my world.
Not everyone is meant to be "the one". But there are a lot of people who do serve a purpose in our life. If a guy is interested in you and the only reason that you're considering not going out with him is because you're not physically attracted, you could be missing out on him becoming a part of your life for other reasons. But hey, you won't ever know this if all you're thinking about is attraction without factoring in connection. This brings me to my final question and point.
4. C’mon. What would just one date hurt?
If you check out "My Eureka Moment For Why I'm Not Into 'Nice Guys'", you'll see that I get what it's like for someone to like you, for others to like that person for you, only for you to convince yourself to go against your better judgment and then later regret it. So, please hear me when I say that I am not like the church ladies who say, "Who cares if he repulses you? Chile, you might be missing out on your husband." Look, I am a huge fan of sex, marital coitus more than anything, and you can't enjoy that if you're not attracted to your partner. I would scream that point at the top of my lungs if I could.
At the same time, happily married people tell me all of the time that, while their spouse is not someone who initially caught their eye, by going on a few dates and getting to know them better, they ended up becoming the most beautiful, interesting and sexy person they've ever known. They wouldn't have found this out without going on a first date.
It took a hot minute to get us here, but the title of the article is a question, right? My answer is this—in my opinion, should you consider dating someone you aren't attracted to? If we can change "dating" for "going on a date", the answer is a firm "yes". One date is just that…one date. And who knows? By stepping out and spending quality time with that individual, you just might discover that you're more attracted to them than you thought. That they are someone you could be connected to. All because you went past the surface and looked for something deeper. Good for you, girl. Good. For. You.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
7 Ways To Have An Incredible First Date
Why We Love Men Who Are Absolutely No Good For Us
Unpopular Opinion: Men And Women CAN Really Be "Just Friends"
Feature image by Giphy
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Honestly, I don’t know if it will surprise y’all or not to know that a few years back, Vice published an article entitled, “Women Get Bored in Bed Faster Than Men.” When it comes to the clients I work with, what I will say is men tend to underestimate how creative women can be while women seem to overlook that men fake orgasms just about as much as they do. My grand takeaway from all of this? Folks need to be intentional when it comes to keeping the spice alive in their sex life; especially if they’re in a long-term relationship.
That’s why, when one couple came to me and asked what was something that they could do to light the fire (pun intended) in their own bedroom, the first thing that I asked was if they had ever tried wax play before. You should’ve seen the expression on their faces. LOL.
When it comes to things like that, I think that it’s still taboo for some, simply because they’ve only seen it on a movie screen or heard about it in true extreme sexual contexts — and so, they don’t think that it’s something that is “for them” when, the reality is, with the right tips in tow, wax play can be for pretty much anyone…and everyone.
So today, let’s add something new to some of y’all’s boudoir list of activities. Here are 10 things that will, hopefully, help you to see the flames of wax play (I’ve got puns all over the place today) in a whole new light.
1. Anticipation Does Wonders for Sexual Arousal
GiphyI once read an article by a mental health expert who said that anticipation is probably the greatest aphrodisiac of all. It builds excitement. It fuels curiosity. At the end of the day, it’s like a mental form of edging because you’re getting close to something that you look forward to — although you’re not quite there yet. Listen, he’s not off base because even science says that anticipation can give you a dopamine hit that can ultimately improve your sexual experiences.
Keeping this point in mind, how can watching hot wax drip from a candle and head toward your body not fuel some level of anticipation? Especially if it’s your first few times trying it? A woman by the name of Ana Monnar once said, “Anticipation is sometimes more exciting than actual events.” Just something to consider, when it comes to entertaining bringing wax play into your world, my dear.
2. Wax Play Is Peak-Level Foreplay
GiphyWe all know what foreplay is, right? Just to be sure that we’re all on the same page, a very basic definition is it’s something that typically happens right before sex in order to arouse the people who are about to have it. And since foreplay is pretty much the prelude to copulation, it’s important that “the appetizer” is damn near as good as the “main course.” Wax play can help to ensure that because, aside from what I just said about anticipation, it can also help you and your partner tap into your more sensual and seductive sides. It’s hot. It requires being mindful. And since so much give and take is involved, it requires both people to be very into the moment. Lawd. Wax play is sexy to even just think about!
3. Temperature Pleasure Is Lots of Fun
GiphyOkay, say that you’ve never played with wax (in this way) before. Have you ever incorporated ice cubes? I ain’t gonna let y’all get ALL up in my business, so…let me just say (for now) that some ice during oral sex ain’t neva hurt nobody…quite the contrary! There’s something about the unexpected cool that mixes around with the warmth of a mouth that is truly unmatched. Along these same lines, wax play brings in the heat and, what makes temperature pleasure/play so awesome is, that it uses the sensations of different temperatures to bring out different forms of stimulation.
Another thing that’s worth noting about temperature pleasure is if you’re someone who considers yourself to be on the sexually conservative side yet you do like this type of activity, whether you realize it or not, you’re low-key participating in a form of kink (yep!). This brings me to my next point.
4. Wax Play Is an Introduction to Kink
GiphyIt’s kind of interesting how some people clam up at the thought of a (sexual) kink when the reality is, at the end of the day, it’s about having a certain type of sexual experience (as opposed to a fetish that focuses on objects or body parts; like a foot fetish, for example). So, if it’s that simple, why does it intimidate a lot of folks? Well, kinks tend to delve into people’s fantasies or unconventional ways of thinking (like BDSM or voyeurism).
At the same time, the cool thing about kinks is you control how deep you want to go. Just know that if you do participate in wax play, there’s no point in turning up your nose to the whole kink thing; wax play technically qualifies.
5. Soy Does One Thing. Paraffin Does Another.
GiphyOkay, so let’s spend a couple of moments talking about the things that you need to get the most out of your wax play experience. First, please don’t be out here imitating movies. While they will have you believing that you should pull a taper candle from your dining room table and go ham with it, it’s best to go with massage candles; they are specifically designed for wax play and body massages (The Knot has a recommendation list here and Women’s Health has a list of their own here).
When it comes to candles, in general, I’m always a fan of soy because they burn cleaner and last longer. However, when it comes to wax play, two other reasons why soy is best is it’s natural and “burns lower;” this simply means that once the wax hits your body, it won’t be as hot as, say, paraffin wax will (because it has a higher burning point).
What all of this means is if you want a more comfortable experience, go with a soy (or even a shea butter or beeswax) candle. If you want to play with the big (wax play) kids, try paraffin.
Oh, and if you’re wondering if you can never use “regular” candles — I mean, it’s your body. All I’m saying is some candles are designed for wax play; birthday candles? They are not. Feel me?
6. Massage Candles Feel Incredible on Your Muscles and Joints
GiphySo, here’s the thing about massage candles: If you’ve ever had a professional massage before, your massage therapist may have used them. And if you’ve gotten a high-end mani/pedi, some paraffin wax may have come into play (no pun intended). That’s because the wax from both types of candles has health benefits that include relaxing muscles, improving joint mobility, and increasing blood flow throughout the body. And when you factor in the fact that the better you physically feel before sex, the better sex will be during it — isn’t that just one more plus for and perk of wax play? I definitely think so.
7. The Aromatherapy Is Incomparable
GiphySomething else that’s awesome about most massage candles is they have a wonderfully alluring scent to them, by design. Yes, that matters too because there is plenty of data out here to support the fact that aromatherapy does everything from reduce stress and relieve bodily discomfort to treat headaches and fight off infections (word on the street is that it may even help with menstrual cramps and menopause).
As far as your sex life goes, aromatherapy is supreme because certain essential oils double up as aphrodisiacs. Lavender, neroli, and rose are proven to improve your sexual function. Geranium reduces anxiety. And listen, if climaxing is your ultimate goal, check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm” and then look for massage oils that smell like, say, vanilla, saffron or jasmine. Bottom line, a good massage candle that smells amazing is going to be worth every cent that you spent to purchase it.
8. You Will Learn Communication (and Dirty Talk) on a Whole ‘Nother Level
GiphyOne of the reasons why I once penned, “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” for the platform is because, if there’s one thing that I think is so awesome about sex, is it finds a way to incorporate all five of your senses (sight, touch, taste, sound and hearing) as well as your top love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and gifts — if you’re open to it).
And when it comes to hearing (and words of affirmation), this is another area where wax play can be a winner because, as you’re learning what works for your partner and they learn what works for you, words have to be exchanged… perhaps even dirty ones.
And why is dirty talk so damn effective? According to scientific research, it has the ability to activate your entire brain (the biggest sex organ that you have) and when this is going on while you’re being physically stimulated — chile, the sky truly is the limit!
9. Wax Play Is Completely Customizable
GiphyYou know back when I was talking about soy candles vs. paraffin ones? Something that I didn’t mention, by design at the time, is that, although I will forever be Team Massage Candles when it comes to this particular topic, there are some known as wax play candles too. What’s the difference? Wax play candles tend to remain pretty hard (after being lit up) while massage candles are designed to melt into a liquid that you can massage on your partner’s body.
Why am I bringing this all up now? Well, it’s to serve as a reminder that wax play can be “dialed up” or “turned down” based on what you want to do. If you just want to put a twist on a massage, you can do that. If you’d like to test your partner’s tolerance level by applying more heat for longer, do that.
Just make sure that you use the kind of wax that doesn’t fully melt on shaved areas of the body (pretty sure why is self-explanatory), that you moisturize your skin beforehand (it’s easier to remove the wax…or whatever is leftover) that way and that you pour around 15-20 inches away from your partner’s body; that gives it time to cool somewhat on the way down. Oh, and if you don’t want to jack up your sheets, you might want to lay down a protective drop cloth (like this one here).
10. It Sure As Hell Ain’t Boring
Season 1 Friends GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyLast point — and it brings all of this full circle. Now that you’ve read all of the ways that wax play can benefit your sex life, how in the world could you associate it with “boring” on any level? Anything that can get you hype, cultivate eagerness, and enhance what you’ve already got going on…that is worth putting on your sex bucket list and trying at least one time, wouldn’t you say? And why can’t that time be…TONIGHT? Shoot your man a pick of a massage candle with a heart and watch him beat you home.
Then report back (with edits…LOL).
Something tells me that you’ll become a wax play fan — SOON.
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