Cutting My Hair Was The Worst Mistake I've Ever Made
On March 4, 2017, at the tender age of 31, I knew in my spirit that this was a particular time for a woman. Wherever you go, you hear a woman speak about how being in your thirties gives you clarity about the woman you want to become. An automatic switch occurs in our brains that make us in tune with our mind, body, and spirit. You are quick wit and have a no-nonsense approach to everything. You are more confident then you've ever felt before. Those values didn't align with how I truly felt inside. At that time in my life, I had been wearing my natural hair for five years.
I enjoyed the many stages of my luscious curls. I religiously watched hours upon hours of YouTube videos and spent hundreds of dollars on hair care products. I became obsessed with how I wanted my hair to turn out. I spent hours perfecting the perfect twist out. I enjoyed the process, but there were times I wanted to give up and throw in the towel. As much as I enjoyed my hair, I noticed that it started to tell a story. It went from bouncy, thick, moisturized curls to brittle, thin, and prone-to-breakage curls.
Stress and depression ruined my natural hair.
At the time, I didn't know what actions I needed to take to revive my hair. As my hair started to become an insecurity of mine, I made an impulse decision to cut it one day. As I look back on that dark time in my life, cutting my hair was one of the worst decisions I've ever made.
Stress And Depression
I was getting restless and impatient in my natural hair journey. While patiently waiting in the doctor's office one day, I decided to do the unthinkable. I wanted to cut my hair. I did not experience a breakup, nor did I lose my job. I just wanted to change my identity. Depression works in mysterious ways. You get consumed with your thoughts that you don't want to be yourself anymore. I was one year in from being diagnosed with depression, and I had no clue what to do.
I didn't have the resources to take steps to heal. I suffered in silence. I was confused, angry, lonely, and sad.
I wanted to make sense of it all, and I thought a haircut would be symbolic of a fresh start; at least that's how it plays out in movies. You stand in the mirror with clippers in hand crying and buzzing your tresses away. The next day, you jump out of bed wearing leather and high heel boots like you have it all together. Unfortunately, that's not how my story ended.
As far back as I can remember, my hair has always been the topic of discussion. From press-and-curls to ponytails with knocker balls, I still received compliments. Other women and girls were shocked to hear that I never had a perm and that I'm not "mixed." My mother took pride in teaching me healthy hair care.
The Cut
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At my hair appointment, I had a feeling of anxiousness. I wanted this hair off of my head as soon as possible. I wanted the dead weight finally lifted. I wanted to be happy and carefree. As the stylist started to cut, I wanted to see my depression land on the floor with the rest of my hair. I became allergic. I didn't want to see my hair, feel my hair, take pictures of my hair. I didn't want to make it an event. I just wanted it gone. Walking out of that salon with a fresh haircut awakened my spirit. It wasn't until that moment I experienced sunshine and good weather. My five senses became alert.
That was the first time I smiled in a very long time. I was finally happy. I was ready to conquer the world.
The first couple of years without hair were terrific. I no longer had to spend hours washing and prepping my hair for the week. Frizz and humidity were an afterthought. The fact that I could put the product in my hair and smooth it all over and leave the house without hesitation was exciting. My hair no longer became a priority. My friends and family didn't agree entirely with my decision. Some enjoyed it, and others disliked it. At the time, how others felt about my hair wasn't my problem at all. I would receive compliments on how my hair matched my personality. I finally felt confident. It was an automatic mood-changer.
Having long hair dictated how I lived my life. Sweating wasn't an option so I couldn't work out, getting in the pool during a hot summer's day gave me anxiety. I never participated in water balloon fights. My hair became another layer of my depression that I no longer needed. Having shorter hair didn't occupy my thoughts as much anymore; I no longer cared. Freedom has no barriers, and at that particular time, I was free yet still depressed and gloomy. I let myself and my hair go, and I had no regrets.
The Change of Heart
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September 2018 was when I decided to get therapy. Five months in, my perspective on certain things began to change. Something I once wanted, I no longer desired. Things I needed, I no longer found necessary. I started to inherit a certain level of clarity that I've never had. My insecurities led me to believe that my hair was one of the many problems I was dealing with, which caused me to slip deeper into a depression.
After being asked "What does beauty look like to you?" from my therapist, I quickly realized that having longer hair represented beauty to me. I knew there was nothing wrong with having shorter hair. I felt like I no longer needed my short hair to get rid of my depression. I wanted the best of both worlds by coping with my depression and getting my curls back.
After reflecting on that time, I realized three things that I should've done before cutting my hair off.
Dissecting What Femininity Meant To Me
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As many of us will admit, I was one of those people who loved the Explore page on Instagram. You can scroll through an endless library of hair products, wig tutorials, and modern hair trends. I got lost in a trance. I started to compare my hair to the women I would see.
When I looked in the mirror, I saw a woman who had the potential to be beautiful, but deep down, I felt unattractive. Having my hair at my old length made me feel like a woman. I realized that looking like a woman is only half of the battle. I had to analyze what femininity meant to me.
I can say proudly that my womanhood has nothing to do with my hair, but it has everything to do about how I see myself in this lifetime. Anyone can achieve a look. Femininity is more of a spiritual journey. When I started to become grateful for the power that I have as a woman, I could just cry. It's an energy that one must meditate on and practice daily.
Self-Love Is an Inside Job
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What we think about ourselves shows others how we would like to be respected and loved. If you can't acknowledge the love you have for yourself, others will find it impossible to see it. It's a constant tug of war that you have with your mind daily. If you're stuck in this predicament, I'm here to tell you that it can change with consistency and patience. I had to realize that how I viewed myself was a bad habit that I allowed to slip into my subconscious. I was ignorant to the fact that my words have power.
It's impossible to live with confidence if you are always saying that you aren't worthy. I was introduced to affirmations by my therapist. Repeating something as simple as "I affirm that I am willing to release the causes and patterns in my consciousness that are creating any negative conditions in my life" can release any or all the pressure you put on yourself. There are endless amounts of premade affirmation cards available online. Reducing my negative self-talk worked for me. I was encouraged to create self-care habits.
Many people think that self-care means a spa day every day, which isn't the case. Self-care simply means to find joy in things that interest you or something you could see yourself doing for free. That's when I found writing as my joy. My negative thoughts reminded me of a revolving door. As a group of negative thoughts exit, a new set of negative words enter. Writing provides clarity. It gives my thoughts and feelings a voice. For many, that might not be as rewarding, but to hear that I'm an inspiration to women eliminates my depression. I can finally say without hesitation that I'm proud of myself for being patient with myself. To be brave enough to allow others to read my stories brings power and grace that no haircut could give me.
I Should've Gone to Therapy First
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I can admit while looking back at all of the choices I've made that I wasn't in my right state of mind. My mind was so weak at that time that I could've quickly fallen into drugs and alcohol. On the one hand, I was desperate for an easy fix. Depression didn't look good on me. The more I attempted to hide, the more it would show up through my hair. My logic at the time was that my hair was damaged. Cutting it will give my hair a chance to grow healthy again.
What I didn't realize is that my supply of band-aids was never-ending. I overcompensated a lot to cover or mask my pain.
Therapy should've been my first option. I would've used the tools to help me navigate through depression and anxiety. The fact that I had the chance to speak my mind without feeling judged would've made me feel so much better. My methods to cope only dealt with the surface. The therapist would want to get to the root.
I can write and display what I should have done during that time for hours. Still, as I'm going through this process of healing, I can admit that the idea of therapy was accepted, but being willing to sit down and speak created another layer of anxiety. I wasn't ready, and that is OK. I needed that tough time in my life to help me put certain things into perspective today. I can proudly say that I've completed my first year of therapy, my last haircut was February 2019, and I've been growing it out ever since.
From an excellent spiritual place, I can determine what hairstyles I want to try. I created a rule that if I ever feel the need to cut my hair that I follow these simple steps: Write it out, speak out loud, take a nap, then find the right protective style.
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Writer, Empath, Listener, Self Improver, and a motivational speaker to her homegirls Teisha LeShea currently resides in California who loves to add fifteen million items to her Amazon cart. She is passionate about wellness, spiritual improvement, leveling up, and setting up twice a month therapy appointments. She writes with you in mind. Her listicle and personal stories will inspire you to dig deep within yourself to be a better you. You can follow her on Instagram @teisha.leshea and & @tl_teisha.leshea
Beyond Burnout: Nicole Walters' Blueprint For Achieving Career Success On Your Own Terms
Nicole Walters has always been known for two things: her ambition and her ability to recognize when life’s challenges can also double as an inspiring, lucrative brand.
This was first evident more than a decade ago when she quit her job as the corporate executive of a Fortune 500 company during a Periscope livestream. “I’m not sure if there’s an alignment of [our] future trajectory. I’m going to work for myself. I'm promoting myself to work for myself,” she said at the time before flashing a smile at the viewing audience. As she resigned on camera, a constant stream of encouraging messages floated upwards on the screen.
By 2021, she’d fashioned her work as a corporate consultant and her personal life with her husband and three adopted daughters into a reality show, She’s The Boss, for USA Network. This year, she released the New York Times bestselling memoir Nothing Is Missing, written as she was in the process of getting a divorce and dealing with her eldest daughter’s struggles with substance use.
Convinced that there’s no way the 39-year-old has achieved all of this without intentional strategic planning, I asked her about it when we spoke less than a week before Christmas. I’d seen videos on social media of her working on 2024 planning for other brands, and I wanted to know what that looked like following her own year of success.
She listed a number of goals, including ensuring that the projects she takes on in the new year align with her identity “as a Black woman, as an African woman, as a mother, as someone who has lived a [rebuilding] season and is now trying to live boldly and entirely as themselves.” But, I was shocked by how much of her business planning also prioritized rest.
Despite the bestselling book, a self-titled podcast, and working with numerous corporations, Walters said she’s been taking Fridays off. This year, she doesn’t want to work on Mondays, either.
“A lot of us think we work hard until retirement hits. I want to progress towards retirement,” she said, noting that she’ll check in with herself around March to see how successful this plan has been. The goal, Walters said, is to only be working on Tuesdays and Thursdays by sometime in 2025. “It is intentionally building out what I know I would like to have happen and not waiting for exhaustion to be the trigger of change.”
"A lot of us think we work hard until retirement hits. I want to progress towards retirement... It is intentionally building out what I know I would like to happen and not waiting for exhaustion to be the trigger of change."
Walters said the decision to progressively work less was partially in response to her previously held notions about her career, especially as an entrepreneur. “When I first started, I thought burnout was a part of it,” she said. “What I didn’t realize is that even if you’re able to bounce out of burnout or get back to it, there’s a cumulative impact on your body. If you think of your body as a tree and every time you go through burnout, you are taking a hack out of your trunk, yes, that trunk will heal over, and the tree will continue to grow, but it doesn't mean that you don’t have a weakened stem.”
But, the desire for increased rest was also in response to the major shifts that occurred three years ago when she was experiencing major changes in her family and realized her metaphorical tree was “bending all the way over.”
Courtesy
“One of the things we have to recognize, especially as Black women, is that there is this engrained, societal, systemic notion that our worth is built around our productivity,” she added. “That is some language that I think is just now starting to really get unpacked.” In recent years, there’s been an increased awareness of achieving balance in life, with Tricia Hersey’s “The Nap Ministry” gaining attention based on the idea that rest, especially for Black women, is a form of resistance. Even online phrases such as “soft life” and “quiet quitting” have hinted at a cultural shift in prioritizing leisure over professional ambition.
"One of the things we have to recognize, especially as Black women, is that there is this engrained, societal, systemic notion that our worth is built around our productivity."
If companies are lining up to consult with Walters about their brands and products, then women have been looking to her for guidance on starting over since she invited them to livestream her resignation 12 years ago. As viewers continue to demand more from content creators in the form of intimate, personal details, Walters has navigated her personal brand with a sense of transparency without oversharing the vulnerable details about her life, especially when it comes to her family.
The entrepreneur said she’d been approached to write a book for several years and was initially convinced she was finally ready to write one about business. “I started to do that, and then I went through my divorce. When that happened, I said, why would I write a book telling people to get the life that I have when I’m not sure about the life that I have,” she said.
Instead, she decided to write Nothing Is Missing and provide a closer look at her life, starting with being born to immigrant Ghanaian parents (“You need to know my childhood to know why I’m passionate about entrepreneurship.”) through the adoption of her three daughters and eventual divorce. Despite her desire to share, however, she said she felt protective of the privacy of her family, including her ex-husband.
When discussing this with me, Walters said she was reminded of a lesson she learned from actress Kerry Washington, who released her own memoir, Thicker Than Water, just a week before Walters’ book release. Washington’s memoir grapples with family secrets, too, specifically the fact that she was conceived using a sperm donor and didn’t learn about it until she was already a successful TV star. While Washington reflects on how the decision and subsequent deception impacted her, she’s also careful to hold space for her parents’ experiences, too. “A lot of things she said was that she had to recognize where she was the supporting character and where she was the main character,” Walter said.
This is something Walter worked to do in Nothing Is Missing when discussing her daughter’s struggles with addiction. “I was very intentional about making sure that I did not reveal more than what was required,” she said. “If I say something about someone’s addiction, I don’t need to go into the list of the substances they used, how they used them, what I found. [I don’t need to] walk into a room and paint a picture of what it looked like for people to understand.”
Walters said some of the most vulnerable moments in the book barely made a ripple once it was released. She was extremely nervous to write about getting an abortion, she said. But no one has asked her about this in the months since the book was released. Instead, people have been more interested in quirkier revelations, such as the fact that she once appeared on Wheel of Fortune.
“I have bared my soul about this thing I went through in my youth that has changed me for people, and people are like, ‘So how heavy was the wheel when you spun it?’” she said, chuckling. “It just goes to show that people never worry about the thing that you worry about.”
With the success of Nothing Is Missing, Walters said she still isn’t planning to release a business book at the moment. But, as she navigates parenting a teenager and two adult children while also navigating a relationship with her new fiancé, Walters said she believes she has at least one or two more books to write about her personal journey. “There is sort of an arc of where my life has gone that I know I’ve got something more to say about this that I think is important, relevant and necessary,” she said.
In just three years, Walters’ life has undergone a major transformation. There’s no telling what the next three years will have in store for her, but it seems likely she’ll retain an inspired audience wherever life takes her.
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Author Stephen Covey once said something that I think is especially relevant to today’s topic: “Most of us spend too much time on what is urgent and not enough time on what is important.” Because if there is one thing that I hear far too many married couples (and if I’m gonna be real, it’s mostly the wives) say is their reason for not making intimacy a priority, it’s that they don’t have enough time.
I think we all can attest to the fact that a part of what comes with adulting is time management — and that includes prioritizing our time wisely. And that’s what brings the quote full circle because, although life does indeed have a way of life-ing, it’s essential — crucial even — to remember that, no matter what may come up that may seem “urgent,” intimacy with your spouse is always going to be important.
And that’s why I (catch the pun) made the time to come up with 10 ways to give you more time to have sex with your man, even if it seems like you don’t exactly have it.
1. Scale Down Your Social Media
GiphyWhenever one of my clients tells me that the reason her sex life with her husband is suffering is because she doesn’t have the time for it, one of the first three questions that I ask her is how much time she spends on social media. If I get “crickets,” I’m automatically rolling my eyes to where she can see it.
Why? Because I am well aware of the fact that most people, on average, spend 2.5 hours A DAY scrolling on social media platforms. And since most people are fine with intercourse lasting anywhere between 7-13 minutes (Google it) — let’s just be real: when it comes to the sex lives that are on life support, it’s not that most of those folks don’t have time, it’s that they don’t make it….and that means they don’t prioritize sex in their relationship. And that is a problem that will only get bigger over time if it’s not addressed — quick, fast, and in a hurry.
If you feel seen, it’s time to power that phone down and ramp up your sex life. Social media will always be there; it’s important that you be proactive about making sure your marriage remains healthy and intact.
2. Shower Together
GiphyI think we all know that if your objective is to get clean(er), you need to take a shower instead of hopping into the bath (because clean water coming out of a showerhead is better than floating dirt in bathwater). So, what’s the plus of bathing? If you want to soothe achy muscles, reduce stress levels, and/or exfoliate your skin, having a bath soak can be a good look. However, since the chance of that being your focus first thing in the morning is slim, why not get “dirty” and clean with your partner in the morning before heading off to work?
Since, reportedly, the average shower lasts eight minutes, and we just discussed that sex tends to be between 7-13 minutes, you could be in there with your man for around 15 minutes and come out with an orgasmand being squeaky clean. Now, what could be better than that, sis?
3. Stop Underestimating Quickies
GiphyI was recently talking to a male friend of mine about how his fiancée would rather have no sex at all instead of a quickie: “That s-it makes absolutely no sense to me because we both are able to get ours whether it’s an hour or 15 minutes.”
Listen, it’s not like I don’t see both sides of the coin on this. As far as she goes, sometimes long foreplay, a ton of romance (check out “Tonight's The Night For A More Romantic Sexual Experience With Your Partner”), and going multiple rounds are very much needed. At the same time, though, a quickie can give you all of the health benefits that longer sessions do, plus the climax.
Ever heard of the saying, “You’re cutting off your nose, just to spite your face?” If you’re turning down quickies just because the sex sessions aren’t as long as what you’re used to (or would prefer), you are a walking definition of the saying. Just because quickies are a compromise, that doesn’t mean that you’re settling (check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”). Not. At. All.
4. Eat Other Things than Lunch (Metaphorically Speaking)
GiphyI recently read that close to 50 percent of people skip lunch at least once a week. Chile, why? You’ve earned it, and so you should have it. And if you need more motivation to take what I just said seriously, even if you’re not hungry during lunchtime, use that as an opportunity to enjoy your partner. By law, most lunch breaks are either 30 minutes or an hour, and that’s certainly enough minutes to “get the job done” — even if that means having a standing appointment at a hotel that isn’t too far from where the two of you work. Middle-of-the-day sex is top-tier. If you don’t know, ask some of your girlfriends who probably do.
5. Remember: Oral Sex Counts
GiphyBack when I used to be a teen mom mentor for the local chapter of a national organization, it used to trip me out how much some of the students would try and trick themselves into thinking that oral sex isn’t “real sex.” Nevermind the fact that sex is literally in the term — genitalia is penetrating a body part, you can get STIs/STDs from the act, and, let me tell it, it’s even more intimate.
Anyway, my point here is, even if there doesn’t seem to be enough time for total disrobing (for whatever reason), a satisfying workaround is some cunnilingus and fellatio — believe that. You’ll still get an orgasm. You’ll still feel connected to your partner. And you’ll still get a helluva stress release. Yes, oral sex IS sex — and that needs to be said far more often than it tends to be.
6. Turn Date Night into Sex Dates
GiphyDid you know that 52 percent of couples rarely, if ever, have a date night? That’s super unfortunate, considering date nights are all about being intentional about spending quality time with your partner. That said, if you happen to fall into that percentile, take this as a super loud PSA to start prioritizing dates with your bae. By the way, if you are someone who is pretty good about getting out with your man, at least once a month, try and shoot for twice a month and turn one of those into a sex date — time that is set aside to do nothing more than copulate with your partner (check out “When's The Last Time You And Your Man Had A 'Sex Date'?”). It increases anticipation, and that can intensify the sexual experience on a whole ‘nother level.
7. Get Up Earlier and/or Go to Bed Later
GiphyAgain, we’ve already discussed that you can get what you need (you know, for the most part) in about 13 minutes (give or take 15 minutes of foreplay first) so, at least once a week, why not set your alarm clock to wake up earlier for some morning sex or commit to staying up a bit later for some late-night coitus? Since only 60 percent of couples currently go to bed together at night, this tip could inspire you both to get more pillow talk and cuddling in, too, which are all forms of quality time that pretty much every husband and wife need on some level.
8. Stop Running (So Many) Errands When the Kids Aren’t at Home
GiphyMy goddaughters are 12 and 4, and they’ve got just as much, if not more, of a busy schedule than their parents do. Something that I tend to notice, though, is when they are in their dance, volleyball, acting, or whatever other class they’ve got going on, their parents automatically use that as an opportunity to run all kinds of errands. And while that might be a practical use of time — how smart is it if intimacy with your partner is far and few between?
My two cents? If your kids have activities after school 2-3 times a week, make sure that one of those days is set aside for nothing else but sex. I promise you that no matter how important grocery shopping or eyebrow waxing is, if you’re not making time for your spouse, whether immediately or eventually, that will start to create an avalanche of issues that will make anything else pale in comparison. I see it happen on an almost daily basis.
9. Make the Kids’ “Fun Time” Your Fun Time Too
Sexy Jessica Alba GIFGiphyWhen your kids are watching a movie, you could be having sex. When your kids are playing a video game, you could be having sex. When your kids are entertaining themselves in their room, you could be having sex. When your kids are outside with some friends (kids still do that, right?), you could be having sex. When your kids (who are old enough) are making a snack, you could be having sex.
Once children hit a certain age, it’s important to not “helicopter parent” them by feeling that you need to hover over them 24 hours a day. Once they have become self-sufficient enough to do certain things on their own, announce that mommy and daddy will be in the bedroom if they need anything and take advantage of that half-hour or two hours that you’ve got. You’d be amazed how much they’d appreciate you not being on top of them all of the time anyway. #justsayin’
10. Schedule Sex
GiphyAny time someone tells me that they don’t want to schedule sex because it won’t be as good that way, I’m always on some — does scheduling dinner at your favorite restaurant make the meal less appetizing? Does scheduling time with your friends make it less fun? Does scheduling a mani/pedi make it less pampering? Please, let’s just stop. When you schedule something, that means that you’re prioritizing it, and sending a message to your partner that you want nothing more than to spend time with him, intimately, is sexy — plain and simple.
Listen, even though we all get 24 hours in a day, sometimes our to-do lists are so jam-packed that it’s both responsible to get your sex life “on the books.”
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You know, when it comes to “having time” quotes, someone once said, “People make time for who they want to make time for. They text, call, and reply to people they want to talk to. Never believe someone who says they’re too busy; If they wanted to be around you, they would.” Do I think this resolve is black and white? No. Sometimes, folks have to wait before you can get back to them.
What I will say, however, is when you signed up to be married, you signed up to have your spouse take precedence over just about everyone and everything else. I will also say that a part of what comes with the marital agreement is sexual activity. Put those two things together, and yes — it’s important to never be too busy to find time, sexually, for your spouse. Besides, if the sex is good, how can it ever not be time well spent, chile? C’mon now.
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