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Read This Before You Let Your Partner Come Inside Of You

While slip-ups do happen, here's what you absolutely should know.

Sex

It's my expert opinion that "shooting up the club" or letting your man cum inside you is an endearing sentiment reserved for trusted partners. I've heard so many women discuss how their partner can't be trusted as far as they can be thrown, and yet a baby almost always ends up in this equation. There absolutely needs to be a bit of discernment when it comes to those we decide to try new and, sometimes, risky sex stuff with.

But, I'm also human and I understand that slip-ups happen. Nevertheless, it wouldn't be responsible of us to ignore all that can go awry where slip-ups are concerned.

What are all the things that you should consider before deciding whether you and your partner should throw caution to the wind and dancing in the rain? Umbrella free? Let's get into it. While you all have grown accustomed to me as writer Kiarra here at xoNecole, today I'll be that and the expert with the lowdown. So allow me to reintroduce myself as MSW, MEd, educator and advocate for Decolonizing Black Sexuality, Kiarra Sylvester.

And I'm going to help you determine if the price is right when deciding if the time is now for your partner to ejaculate or cum inside of you during sex.

1. Trust and Believe: How much do you really trust your partner?

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In some sort of utopian world, I wouldn't have to ask this question—it would be a given that we'd only permit these types of privileges to those that we trust. But, we don't, so I will ask again: Is your relationship, whether strictly sexual or a full-blown relationship, one that is built on trust? Trust that was built on open, honest communication? If this is someone who you feel the need to go through their phone at any given point, there is no trust and the answer is "no". You absolutely shouldn't allow your partner to cum inside of you. This is a more simply dynamic of trust, but as you know, there are far more intricate elements of trust at play.

If your partner pressures you to do anything sexually or otherwise, this violates trust as they are unwilling to adhere to the boundaries you have either set upfront or are intending to set in the moment.

If "yes", move forward to the next question. But, also consider discussing what condomless sex with no pull-out might look like. What type of boundaries do you all need for this to work? Will you all commit to only having sex with one another? Will you use condoms with other partners? Regularly testing together? Cool, how often is regular? And understand that testing regularly isn't a perfect solution, i.e. unless you're being tested daily, there's a margin of opportunity in between scheduled testing. Now, you can move your player piece closer to "go".

2. Planned Parenthood: If you do end up pregnant, are you collectively ready for parenthood?

If you've opted out of using the pull-out method as a means for birth control (which was risky business to begin with, since according to Bedsider, the "withdrawal" method has a failure rate of 20 percent and I'm assuming so because "pull out" is one step before deciding to just say "fuck, that shit.") Withdrawal is easily one of the least effective contraception methods and it's always been stressed to use this method paired with another when possible, even if it's a fertility awareness method.

Though we're not discussing pulling out, I mention it to press upon you that letting your partner ejaculate in you puts you in the big leagues. So the questions become: 1) Are you collectively ready for parenthood; 2) Is this a person you would enjoy parenting with? Even if you don't end up with this person, romantically for a lifetime — can you see an enjoyable coparenting relationship? If your answer is still "yes", then you have your answer. If "no", move along to the next question. All hope isn't lost yet.

3. B.C., Before Child—Not Christ: Where do you two stand on the birth control conversation?

If this isn't a person you see a future with OR you simply don't have any desire to be a mother yourself, then it's time to get clear on where you and your body stand on birth control. Contrary to popular belief, abortion is birth control, and whether you believe that or not, you both should have an honest dialogue about your positon on this method. While I squarely believe it's a woman's choice at the end of the day, it can help to discuss so there's a sense of preparedness and understanding of expectations should you find yourself seeking out an abortion. One in four women will have an abortion by age 45, so whatever you do please don't feel ashamed. But you should know if this is a person who will support you physically, mentally, and financially through this process or if it will be expected that you go it alone.

While this is a discussion that should be had, you should also consider other variants of birth control since abortion is expensive and for that reason alone, I wouldn't recommend leaning into it as a primary form of birth control. The average abortion starts at about $400 and after the first trimester, the price goes up weekly. Aboriton can see rates of $2K in circumstances where women can't afford them, and spend time "chasing the fee." That said, I urge you to use sites such as Bedsider and speak with your gynecologist for more information on the methods you're most interested in, and figure out what birth control best suits your body and lifestyle.

Birth control is not one size fits all, so if you find a method you think you might like and it's either, not covered by insurance or you don't have one, dig deeper. There are resources out there!

If your answer to birth control is "yes", be sure to be proactive so not to be reactive here. But also keep in mind that should you need to be reactive, there is emergency contraceptive (Plan B), which can be purchased at a drugstore. Also if you were already interested in the IUD, specifically, a copper IUD, they double as emergency contraceptive if you can find a clinic that can insert them into you within five days of unprotected sex. The copper works by repelling the sperm in the opposite direction.

If "no", and you've also answered "no" to at least one other question so far...thank you for playing but it doesn't seem like letting your partner cum inside of you is the best idea for you at this time.

4. Vaginal Health: Do you know condomless sex can throw off your vaginal health?

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Congratulations! You've made it this far. While listed last, it's certainly not the least concerning point of contention. We're aware by now that condoms can throw off the vaginal pH leading to bacterial vaginosis, yeast infections, and urinary tract infections so it only makes sense that we consider the ways in which semen might also do so. And when exchanging bodily fluids, like semen, the stakes are higher than a rinky-dink yeasty. Additionally, you are more vulnerable to sexually transmitted infections such as HIV. That means, we're being smart about how we interact sexually while seeking out desired pleasure. I purposely didn't lump this piece in with trust, at least not completely. The thing that many people tend to forget is that some sexually transmitted diseases can present asymptomatically, especially when presented in men.

That means even with a trusted and faithful partner, it is still risky to participate in consensual, ejacualatory, condomless sex with your partner. Which takes us back to the highly suggested point I made earlier about implementing regular testing.

At the end of the day, nothing is a sure thing in this world. Unfortunately, expert or not, I cannot make that call for you but simply help you make the best decision for you based on the most accurate information. But above all, be sure that you've discussed this with your gynecologist and your partner before participating in unprotected sex regardless of the outcome.

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Featured image by Shutterstock

This article is in partnership with Xfinity.

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