Contrary To Popular Assumption, Black Women LOVE Getting Their Hair Pulled During Sex
I dunno. Maybe British Black women do things a bit differently. I'll explain what I mean.
While doing my usual cyberspace perusing last weekend, there was an article that immediately caught my attention. I'm thinking that once you see the title, you'll totally understand why—"Why You Should Think Twice Before Touching a Black Woman's Hair During Sex" (it was a Cosmo UK piece).
The majority of that statement, I'm quite familiar with. Although I'm a naturalista who isn't bothered by someone touching my own hair, I get that it is a personal space issue and totally respect women who would prefer if folks did not. In fact, I'm starting to think that my neutral ground on the topic probably makes me the exception, not the rule:
However, it's one thing to have a random stranger approach you in the mall to ask if they can touch your hair. But shouldn't it be totally different if the person you're being intimate with wants to? I mean, they can be literally in you but it's a no-no for them to have their hands your hair simultaneously? Really?
To be fair, unlike a lot of articles that try to pass off as a true voice for our people (don't get me started), this particular piece did actually feature Black women who don't want their hair touched. Case in point, Dami Olonisakin is a 28-year-old sex and relationships blogger who wears wigs. According to her:
"I've never experienced my hair coming off during sex, but I've had it shift or change position which obviously isn't ideal. Thankfully there's never been a situation where everything has come off and I'm left embarrassed. When I'm intimate with someone for the first time I usually let them know beforehand not to touch my hair or do anything crazy. Just keep away from my hair."
Don't "do anything crazy" during sex? No disrespect, but what's the point in having it then?
The article went on to share that the only reason why hair pulling is even on the sex menu for Black women at all is because we've watched white women getting their hair pulled in porn (huh?!). Oh, and then there's this:
"Other sex acts that are common in porn are just not relatable to black women, including anything involving water. 'Even shower sex for me includes a shower cap a lot of the time. I wet my hair probably once every 12 days, so unless you catch me on wash day we're not having wet hair shower sex. My partner has to be flexible in understanding that with me hair is not a part of the seduction. Tossing my hair, putting your hands in it, or me running around with it wet isn't going to happen. I have so many other sensual, awesome parts about me that you can engage with."
So, no shower sex either? Chile.
I was so stumped that I asked some of the xoNecole team to help me out. They sent out a social media APB to y'all to see if it's true that hair pulling while doing-the-do is off indeed totally limits.
Although there were a few women (shoutout to @missemonique) who agreed that Solange was on point when she penned the song "Don't Touch My Hair" (although something tells me that Solange wasn't thinking about gettin' it in when she wrote it), most of you were all for coitus-coif-yanking.
@rockstarr_naturally: I'm natural do your thang
@womanistwonder: Pull my hair. It's real long & healthy!!!
@spicydevi: You betta pull that hair and let me feel that blood flow from the scalp to the toes…how else would I be submissive if you don't control the root to the toe
We even spoke in-depth with a few readers to get their raw and unfiltered consensus on the hair pulling during sex discussion:
Hair pulling adds to intimacy...
"During sex, I prefer aggression, so hair pulling is a major 'go' for me! I don't really have limits to it. But there is a form of delicacy that is needed for it to still remain sensual versus turning into being distasteful. I wouldn't consider hair being a complex for me now. There was a time it took a while for me to appreciate my natural hair because I didn't care for its density (I have fine hair). But I will say that I prefer to have it in some sort of style at all times. I think generally as women hair means so much to us no matter the race. There is a level of sensuality in hair and I think many men love being able to run their fingers through it during sex. I prefer my hair to be pulled during doggy style or reverse cowgirl! I don't have a preference in pulling but I enjoy having my partner pull my hair while talking dirty, smacking my bum is a go too! A little neck grabbing never hurt anyone either!" - @itssimplyjackson
Hair pulling is a part of my sensuality as a woman...
"I do love when my hair is pulled. I love when it's pulled because of the sensation it gives me (I'm turned on), but also for the submissiveness it gives to my guy. I like for him to feel in control, too. What I don't like is pulling too hard. I don't want to feel like my neck is about to be yanked off my head lol. As a black woman, hair definitely means something different to me. Not only is it my strength, it's also my confidence. Whether I wear weave or my natural tresses, I pride myself on making sure that if nothing else looks put together, my hair is. I do feel as though it plays a part in my sensuality whenever I engage in sex. Whether we are doing doggy style or I'm riding him, a strong grip/pull that pulls my head back ever so softly is all I need. Remember a strong grip and a soft pull/tug goes a long way." - @heyyychanelle
Hair pulling is a must for hitting it from the back...
"Yes, I like my hair pulled. Preferably when I have a protective style, like braids or a good weave. I don't mind when it's my real hair, but it's short so there's not much to pull lol. I like for my man to be in control so pulling my hair makes me feel like he's taking charge and control. It turns me on. I feel like we as black women have been told for YEARS how we should wear our hair, that it's ugly if it's a certain way, etc, so we may not see our hair as something to accentuate our sexuality. But lately, with the natural hair movement and us embracing our hair, whether natural, relaxed, braided, wigs/weaves, I think it might start to shift. With my boyfriend now, I love it when he pulls my hair slightly back and kisses me. Also, while he's hitting it from the back, I like for him to yank it a little bit and whisper some naughty/nasty things in my ear." - @twerkinforgas
Hair pulling turns me up even more during sex...
"For the most part, yes! Depending on the style though. It turns me on to be honest. It makes me want to turn up even MORE during sex. It makes me feel wanted, it's very sensual. [However] I'm all for comfort so if I have fresh braids or a fresh sew-in or even a silk press, I don't like my hair being messed up. My hair is a form of self-expression. I always feel sensual and powerful when my hair is done. I like firm but gentle tugs. Don't pull my shit like you're tryna rip my hair out, then it's a problem. And honestly, just ask." - @kiasmithwrites
Hair pulling is about the passion behind what's being done...
"I like that it's very dominating and sensual. I'm in so much control over my life that when my hair is pulled, it allows me to feel and just be in the moment. Hair is just hair. The passion behind why it's being done is what's more sensual than anything. My preference is don't be scared and don't pull too hard. Being intimate is energy and vibes. So, do what you feel in the moment, listen to your lover's body and moans, that should let you know what to do more or less of. Intimacy is a rhythmical captivating moment, and hair pulling is just a simple pleasure added to the melody of two." - @Mocha_chelle
Whew! I must admit that I was relieved to hear that most of us are not so consumed with our hair that it's actually preventing us from engaging in more passionate uninhibited sex; that while we do love our hair—including our wigs and extensions—we love sexual pleasure even more.
And for the women who haven't had hands in their hair during sex? If you happen to agree with Ms. Olonisakin and @missemonique, I'd like to pitch a little reading material your way.
Black Woman, Just Get Your Hair Wet! is a book that came out earlier this year. The premise is centered around how much the author missed out on swimming as a child because she (and her mother) was so consumed with not getting her hair wet; as a direct result, she developed somewhat of a complex and didn't have a ton of fun (during the summertime). She went on to share how that has served as a metaphor for a lot of risks she didn't take in life; how we as Black women could stand to "get our hair wet" more often—both personally as well as professionally. (That really is something to think about…isn't it?)
From the swimming pool to shower sex, there is so much you're missing out on if you're avoiding these things simply because you don't wanna mess up your hair. Just something to think about, sis.
How do you feel about hair pulling during sex? Let us know in the comments down below!
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I Took Three Months Off From Work In The Name Of Radical Self-Preservation
In the fourth quarter of 2023, I finally did it. I pulled the plug! To be honest, it was a long time coming. I spent years juggling all of the balls in my life, and on October 2, 2023, I dropped every one of them and fell into surrender mode.
I couldn’t take it anymore - work, family, relationships, politics, death, the ramifications of COVID-19, and my fears creeping in. I had either put off dealing with these things, or I simply didn’t want to acknowledge them. Instead, my time, energy, and focus were on everyone and everything beside me. I pushed myself to the limit; then everything started to consume me. Burnout was swallowing me whole, you feel me?
All of this forced me to do some much-needed introspection which I turned into my self-proclaimed, "Fade to Black Season."
What is a “Fade to Black Season,” you may ask?
It’s a call to rest.
It’s a call to reset.
It’s a call to retreat into a deep, quiet space.
It’s radical self-preservation.
Deciding to step back from everything was not an easy decision for me. I contemplated taking a break from everything for many years until I couldn’t put it off anymore. If I didn’t take this time off, I knew I wouldn’t be able to truly show up for the life that I claimed that I wanted for myself.
I know I’m not the only one who has felt this immense weight on their shoulders. Why? Because I’m a Black woman. According to Every Level Leadership, 88% of Black women sometimes often, or always have experienced burnout. And let’s be honest here - Black women work harder than any other group. We are the backbone of our jobs, families, and community. Because of this, we must incorporate rest as an integral part of our well-being. In case there’s some pushback, I’ll leave this quote here for you to marinate on:
“If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.” - Zora Neale Hurston
The reality is that with piles of work and life obligations, many of us are walking time bombs. And, for me, two weeks of PTO/vacation wasn’t enough time needed to balance myself, so I took three months off. If you feel called to do so, let this be your inspiration to take your own “Fade to Black Season.”
Here’s what I did.
- Shadow Work: I became best friends with my journal and illuminated the things I hid from myself to heal. Shadow work consists of the things you don’t like about yourself, your conscious and unconscious fears, and other negative emotions that exist due to past experiences and trauma.
- Trigger Warning: During this time, I let my triggers become my wisest teacher. I asked myself why various experiences, news, or communications resulted in negativity. I observed them, listened, and learned why they took up so much space in my life. Then, I allowed myself to choose to be open to a different outcome or feeling moving forward.
- Get Back To Pleasure: I re-centered my pleasure. I had to remind myself of what turned me on. I allowed myself to take life slowly, engage my senses, and play. I signed up for every tantra workshop, went to art museums in the middle of the day, took movement classes, and went to dance parties. I moved all the stagnant energy out of my body.
- Let Others Lift You Up: I let my people love on me. I let my loved ones take care of me. This wasn’t easy. I was used to being everyone’s support system and soft space to land. However, in my time of need, I finally let my tribe show up and show out for me. My only regret is not letting them do this sooner.
- Social Media Break: I broke up with social media during this time. Reclaiming my time and attention was an integral factor in calming my nervous system. I put blockers on my phone, and when I felt the urge to swipe and scroll, I took a walk or picked up a book.
- Redefine Your Life: After doing this type of work, I knew that I would never be the same. In this new space, boundaries and balance are prioritized, and everything else has to fall in line. I now have the mental/emotional space and capacity to do my best work!
Best of all, during this time, I found God in myself, and I loved her, fiercely.
My “Fade To Black" Season allowed me to grieve in peace, rest, tap into unrelenting joy, and simply be. At this point, me and peace got a good thing going on. Nothing else will be tolerated!
For those of you who are nervous about taking the first step, use The Dufree Foundation’s DIY Sabbatical Guide to help you plan, prep, and prepare yourself for your sabbatical - this is something I wish I had done before I leaped. Consider going on a Divine Pause Retreat to learn tips and tricks to avoid mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual burnout.
For those who work in social impact, apply for The Durfee Sabbatical program, which offers $60,000 and a three-month sabbatical, so nonprofit leaders can be a lever for whole systems change.
The choice to take a sabbatical is up to you! Just remember to prioritize yourself and never pour from an empty cup.
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Featured image by Maskot/Getty Images