If you frequent this site a lot—and hopefully, you do—you can certainly vouch for the fact that we talk about orgasms. A LOT. Off the top of my head, we've published "WTF Is A Blended Orgasm?", "10 Unexpected Ways To Intensify Your Orgasm", "This Is How To Master The Female Orgasm", "10 Things You Didn't Know About The Male And Female Orgasm" and "4 Hit It From The Back Moves That Are Bound To Get You To Orgasm"—and that's just for starters!
Are we obsessed? Eh, maybe a little. I mean, who doesn't enjoy having an orgasm?! But aside from the close-to-indescribable rush of pleasure that orgasms bring, there is also plenty of research and documentation that they do wonders for our health and well-being too. How?
Orgasms relieve stress, increase blood circulation, help to regulate your period, lessen pain (including headaches), strengthen your immune system, put you in a better mood, make you smarter—I mean, really…need I go on?
So, when I happened to notice that July 31 is National Orgasm Day, of course, I had to give a day that is so important to us—and hopefully to you—a big ole' shout out! When you think of all of the holidays and other special days of observance that come up in a 365-day cycle, be honest. Can you think of any other day (shy of your birthday) that you'd want to take out the time to celebrate more? Yeah, me neither. If you'd like to make this particular orgasm day the best one yet, here are some things that will literally turn your climaxes into the gift that just keeps on givin'.
1. Workout for 30-45 Minutes
Although I don't live in the gym, some of my closest friends do, and a few of them are big fans of post-sex coitus. They claim that it provides a high like no other (I did some Googling and there are several articles that actually cosign on that). At the same time, there are also articles that give rave reviews when it comes to getting a little cardio in on the front-end as well. The feel-good hormones endorphins, dopamine and oxytocin that come from exercising will intensify during sex, the increased blood flow from the workout will make your orgasms stronger, and since exercising can improve flexibility, it'll be easier to get into all of those sex positions that help you to orgasm the easiest too.
So yeah, if you didn't already workout this morning, try and get a half-hour or so in before heading home. That, combined with a warm shower (or even some shower sex), can take your climaxes totally to the next level!
2. Have a Fresh Berry Salad
If you're hungry but you're not sure what you want, this is the perfect time of year to enjoy a fresh salad; preferably one with some spinach and berries on it. Spinach, because the manganese that's in it will increase your estrogen levels, while the zinc that it contains will boost up your sex drive. Berries, because strawberries contain vitamin C, zinc, and iron to give you more stamina, blueberries trigger dopamine in your system so that you'll feel more pleasure, and raspberries because they've got Vitamin E in them. Vitamin E has the nickname "the sex vitamin" because of its uncanny ability to help us to strengthen our sexual performance.
3. Enjoy an Orgasm Cocktail
If you want a technical breakdown for why and how alcohol makes you horny,Maxim broke it all down pretty well. And, if your favorite alcoholic beverage of choice is wine, word on the street is the scent of Zinfandel or Pinot Noir is what will get you all hot 'n bothered, while the aroma of champagne or Moscato will do a man in.
Still, I figured that in honor of National Orgasm Day, why not toast one another and/or the sex you're about to have with a couple of Screaming Orgasm Cocktails? It's basically a combination of vodka, Irish cream and coffee liqueur that gets the name because of how good it tastes. But if somehow, even after reading through all of this, I still can't convince you to engage in a couple of romps, at least you can make this drink and not be lying when you say, "Yep. I had an orgasm last night" while talking to one of your girls tomorrow.
4. Affirm Your Partner
There's no question that the biggest erogenous zone that we have is our brain. After all, how could any of us become sexually stimulated without it? That's why you should never underestimate how much you and your partner need to feel positive, connected and affirmed by one another before, during and even after coitus goes down.
Take a few moments to talk about what you enjoy about one another and even what some of your fantasies are. Eye contact, heartfelt sentiments and honest compliments are some of the most slept-on acts of foreplay that there is.
5. Go Someplace Other than Your Bed
I'm known to ask people I know (and even people I don't know) random questions. One that I asked semi-recently is what can cause a person to get bored in the bedroom. Something that seemed to be a general consensus is "always having sex in the bed". When I asked where they'd prefer to go in order to switch things up, many said the kitchen, backyard or on the stairs.
Hey, I'm not saying that you should automatically aim for those locations. What I am saying is if the bed is always the go-to, at least try the couch or the floor. When it comes to good sex, variety is always key.
6. Incorporate a Little Honey
Back when I was sexually active, a favorite sex addition of mine was honey. I liked it for what I'm assuming are pretty obvious reasons, but apparently it was doing more for my bedroom action than I thought! There is a mineral in honey called boron that 1) raises testosterone levels in men and 2) increases men and women's libidos and can help orgasms to last longer.
So yeah, having some honey on your bed stand certainly can't hurt either.I'm sure you don't need me to tell you how to make honey work in your favor, but if you'd like an edible massage recipe that's got honey as one of its ingredients, you can find one here.
7. Play Musical Chairs (for Him)
As far as a sexual position that your man will be totally in love with, try your own sex twist to musical chairs. Maybe put on a throwback like Montell Jordan's "Let's Ride" (who remembers that?), do a quick little dance and then sit him down on a chair. Put your legs over his shoulders and, well, you get it. The visuals alone will be sure to do wonders and the deep penetration makes this a male orgasm favorite!
8. Get in the Missionary with a Pillow Underneath (for You)
The missionary position is a classic—always has been and always will be. I think for us, we like it a lot because it's comfortable, it's intimate (there's eye-to-eye contact that way), and it's a great way to enhance clitoral and G-spot stimulation. The best way to up the chances of this particular sex position giving you an orgasm is by putting some pillows underneath your butt. Your partner's access will be easier and deeper. And you know what that means.
9. Spell “Coconut”
If you ain't neva had sex with a Gemini before, you'd betta ask somebody. I am a proud card-carrying one. I've also had sex with one. There are no words (le sigh). Anyway, when all of the coconut memes went viral last month, personally, I found it to be quite fitting. Why not, during the month of June, should a new hot sex trend be on everyone's lips?
If you happened to miss it, the tip is to ride cowgirl while slowly spelling out the word "coconut" with your hips. Although the memes were jokes more than anything else, I know some folks who actually attempted it. Chile, they think that the Kenyan women who got the viral thing started in the first place were truly onto something, whether they realized it or not. And, since the cowgirl position is one of the praised positions for achieving an orgasm, why not give it a shot?
10. Set Your Sights on a Multiple Orgasm
What better day to have a multiple orgasm—or at least try to—than on National Orgasm Day? The way to achieve these is by making sure you are truly at ease with your partner, extending foreplay, doing some deep breathing (and edging) and increasing your stamina.
For more of a breakdown, "How to Have Multiple Orgasms: Tips and Techniques for Better Pleasure" is an enlightening read. But more than anything, purpose in your mind to enjoy yourself. While orgasms should be a regular occurrence, National Orgasm Day only comes around once a year. Make sure to make it totally worth you—and y'all's—while!
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
10 Secrets To Feeling Super Sexy (When You Don't)
What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be
Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP
My First Orgasm Changed Everything I Thought I Knew About Sex
Feature image by Getty Images
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And to me, this line is a perfect way to intro this particular topic. Why? Because when it comes to so many women driving themselves absolutely up the wall when it comes to trying to figure out why they are good, and yet their man (or who they want to be their man) seems to be treading water (at least) when it comes to making a lifelong commitment — baby, not only should you want someone who wants you to be their wife (if marriage is what you desire)…you should also let yourself off the hook when it comes to stressing out about why it might not be panning out that way.
We’re gonna tackle this, yet I’m gonna give you a heads up now: this may not go exactly like you think it should; however, I do think that if you go in with an open mind, a bit of humility, and some determination to focus on your needs more than his moves, you very well may find the clarity and freedom that you need in this area of your life. Ready?
Good. Revisited.
GiphyBefore getting into him, how about we first talk about you — “you” specifically meaning what it means to be a good woman and, shoot, a good person, in general. Because you know what? There are a lot of words that we use, thinking that we know the definition, when, after (re)visiting them, we realize that there is usually more to what they require than we realize on the surface.
To be good is to be morally excellent. To be good is to be virtuous. To be good is to be kind, righteous, gracious, humane, and benevolent. Some synonyms for good include words like positive, pleasing, honorable, and admirable. Yeah, once upon a time, I found myself being pretty pissed about a guy who I desired back in the day not wanting what I did. I went on the “But I’m a good woman” soapbox, my conscience told me to look up the word, just to make sure that I was sure — because if most of us were self-aware and humble about “good” (not either or but both), we’d realize that being good is more like an ultimate goal than an actual status.
Okay, but what about some of the other words that define it? Things like being valuable and worthy. Things like being beneficial. And how about synonyms like wonderful, agreeable, precious, great, and exceptional? Yeah, before we touch on any other points, if you don’t get anything else from this article as it relates to these descriptions of good, it’s more important that you know if you are a good woman in the sense of what you have to offer — and that it is exclusive of if someone agrees or not. Because what’s good for one may not be good for another, yet that doesn’t mean that you’re not good anyway (more on that in a sec).
Look at it this way — if you walked into a jewelry store today, a lot of diamonds are going to be looked at. Know what else? They’re also going to remain in their display cases whether it’s because they’re not specifically what someone is looking for, they are more expensive than what someone can afford, or — please catch this too — someone never had the intention of purchasing a diamond in the first place; they were simply window shopping…no more, no less. Yet a diamond is still a diamond.
So yeah, before going any further, purpose in your mind to assess where you are good regardless of your relational status, situation, or circumstances and where you can stand to grow in the area of goodness. Because the truly evolved know that if they want a good man, they will forever be preparing for him until he arrives on some level because “good” is a super high standard.
Now let’s get more into what I’m sure you really want to know about…
What Kind of Relationship Did You Think You Were Going Into?
GiphyOkay. Remember how I said that some people will go into jewelry stores just to look around? While it could be because they have a goal of purchasing something in the near future, so they want to see their options and also save up, there are others who literally have no plans of doing anything but trying stuff on, admiring it, and moving on with their day.
If you choose to see yourself as a diamond in this story, let's not act like some men aren't proverbial window shoppers — and honestly, there's nothing wrong with that. It's not a character flaw to not want to be married or even in something serious (check out "Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON'T Desire Marriage?"). In fact, it's pretty arrogant to try and imply that just because you may want a spouse that, everyone else should automatically follow suit and/or those who don't have some sort of "issue" for being that way.
Marriage is serious — VERY MUCH, SO. It's not the same thing as a boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic (no matter how much our culture tries to prove otherwise), and whether you choose to see it from a spiritual (Malachi 2:14-16, Matthew 19:1-12, I Corinthians 7:10-11), financial or legal perspective, it comes with a lot of guidelines and, if it doesn't work out, ramifications. Indeed, mature people get that two folks don't just throw a big party called a wedding, and it's all peaches' n cream from there. So yeah, I get why many people — men included being that 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women and alimony is still alive and well out in these streets — would semi-hard pass on it.
That's why I am a huge fan of grown folks getting it out in the open, as soon as possible, what the game plan is for dating (check out "The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have"). I don't mean interrogating a brotha on the first or even second date. What I mean is you definitely should feel okay with putting it on record that marriage (or a serious relationship) is the reason why you're dating these days — and the sooner you get that out into the open, the better because you don't want to wait until you're so mentally, emotionally and/or sexually invested that you try and rationalize staying with someone who may not be on the same page (or even in the same book) as you are. You also don't want to do what so many women I know have made the grave mistake of — thinking that because they are a good woman, that even if a man wasn't considering marriage, he will suddenly change his mind, all because of how awesome they are.
Definitely, one of my favorite quotes as it relates to this particular topic is, "You'll never be good enough for a man who isn't ready," and that really is the truth. In other words, being a wife to someone who has no desire to be a husband (check out "Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife") isn't honorable; honestly, it's risky at best (trust me, I would know) because you are literally putting the cart before the horse.
You know the saying, "There are levels to this thing?" It applies to dating too. A man doesn't need to be taking care of a woman who isn't his wife as if she is; otherwise, why get married? Marriage represents taking the relationship to the optimal and ultimate level, so there are certain benefits and privileges that come with it AFTER vows have been said. Same goes for a woman in how she treats a man who isn't her husband. That's why I loathe (yes, literally) when singles talk about women needing to submit before marriage. A good woman is feminine regardless of her relational status (or at least she should be); however, submission is a wedding present (Colossians 3:18, Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-7).
Okay, but let me stay on track. So, when it comes to trying to figure out if a dating relationship is headed towards jumping somebody's broom, first be honest with yourself about if the two of you started off being very clear with one another about why you started dating one another in the first place and, if all goes well if the end result is to be marriage — for you both…TOGETHER. Because if you're only assuming that, well, we all know that assuming doesn't tend to go very well.
When it comes to something as serious as marriage, clarity must be had, and that comes with having very open and honest discussions about both people's wants and needs — not just stating them but hearing them from your partner too (my subtext here is not only hearing what you want to but listening to what he's actually and literally saying…even if you don't like it).
And if you're not gelling…what in the world are y'all doing? Next point.
Now, What Kind of Relationship Are You Actually In?
GiphyThere is a guy I know who was once dating this woman who was totally into him — Lawd, you could tell. Yet there were certain things about how he moved that gave me the impression that the feelings weren’t exactly mutual. When I finally flat-out asked him about it, this guy said, “I mean, I might be her boyfriend, but she’s not exactly my girlfriend.”
Get triggered all you want, but when I asked him how he came to that conclusion, he said that it was because she took it upon herself to go above and beyond, to not date other people and take on a lot of his wishy-washy-ness. He never asked her to. He never told her that he wanted her to be exclusive. He never changed anything about how he operated. She simply decided that she wanted to engage with him on that level.
Now before you say that he is the villain in this story — is he? Or is she someone who decided to go all in without talking to him about it, knowing that it’s human nature for people to want to benefit from things while putting in as little effort as possible? I mean, let’s not act like a lot of men don’t get upset on the regular about paying for expensive dates where they end up getting friend zoned as soon as the check is paid (right, it goes both ways).
And that’s why this point is also a super valid one. Just because you might care about or even love a man in a way where you could see him as your future husband, that ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT mean that he feels that way about you. He may like you. He may even love you. Still, that doesn’t mean that he sees a wedding, a white picket fence, some kids, and a terrier up the road with you. Yeah, someone can like having you around or even love you as a person and still not want to spend forever with you. It’s a harsh reality. It’s still the facts, though.
That’s why it’s always important to ponder right after asking yourself what kind of relationship you wanted (and if that was discussed on the front end) if you know what kind of relationship you are in…with him. Because listen, I also know a married couple (of several years) that includes a wife who constantly says that she dated her now-husband for close to a decade while he “counters her” and says she was never his girlfriend because he never believed in having one (and he pretty much treated her like the other guy I just mentioned during that time too).
Bottom line, when two people are on the same page, it’s hard to find yourself getting frustrated…because you are on the same page. You might struggle with being patient when it comes to budgeting, reaching certain career goals first, or getting life in order before marriage— still, you won’t be out here asking why he won’t marry you because you know that someday he will…BECAUSE HE TOLD YOU SO, AND HIS ACTIONS ARE CONSTANTLY LINING UP WITH WHAT HE SAID.
And what if it doesn’t feel like the two of you are seeing eye to eye on this thing? Good question.
“Good” in General, Doesn’t Necessarily Mean RIGHT for Him. AND THAT’S OKAY.
GiphyLet me just tell you right now that some of y'all aren't gonna want to hear this, but as the Good Book says, it's the truth that has the ability to truly set us free, chile (John 8:31-32). Another definition of good is "suitable or efficient for a purpose." What's revelatory about that is if you go back to the Bible where Adam's wife was BROUGHT to him (he did not chase or pursue; God brought her to him — Genesis 2:22), before that happened, God, himself said this:
"Now the Lord God said, 'It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.'" — Genesis 2:18(AMPC)
(Y'all wanna talk about how even if you think that you are good for someone, that may not mean God automatically or necessarily agrees? Or did I just say enough that we can move on?)
Okay, so did you peep the word that is bold and underlined? SUITABLE is more than a notion, y'all.
Suitable: such as to suit; appropriate; fitting; becoming; appropriate; proper; fit
Something else that this same chapter of the Bible talks about is two BECOMING one (Genesis 2:24-25). "Becoming" requires a certain level of incomparable compatibility. It's not just about having deep feelings for one another. It's about having similar values. It's about complementing each other in a very profound and unique way (check out "If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life"). It's about (and folks really miss this one) if the two of you can do the day-to-day of living together well — cleaning the house, paying the bills, and providing each other's needs on a very basic yet super relevant level. It's about being each other's right "fit" — and as much as it might hurt to hear, you don't get to tell a man if you are the one to do that. He and God have to figure that out (which means that his caring about how a Higher Source factors in helps immensely with all of this, too!).
And that's why I'm also a huge believer that just because someone may be a good person, that doesn't mean that they are RIGHT for a particular individual — whether that is "right now" (if it's not "right now," there still shouldn't be a lot of anxiety, drama or stress) or ever. Because someone who is right is someone who is suitable — they complement and fit. They also are pretty adaptable, which speaks to them being flexible. They are built that way because again…they are suitable…they complement, and they fit.
And here's what else — when you're RIGHT for someone, it means that you are "in conformity with fact, reason, truth, or some standard or principle; correct." Your standards and principles are similar. There are some hardcore facts about how the two of you gel that BOTH OF YOU can see. There aren't truths about the relationship that are being ignored or deflected. You both get the reasons why marriage is meant to be.
Whew. Okay, so after processing all of this, ask yourself (and be honest with yourself while you're at it) about whether you are RIGHT for him even if you are a GOOD woman. And shoot, beyond that — is he RIGHT for you? Is he? Or do you just want him to be because you love him and/or he's a GOOD man?
You know, sometimes we think that the Universe is playing some kind of cruel trick on us when, actually, it's being merciful as all get out. It knows that while we think life should be going one way, when we really tap into things beyond a surface level, we start to see that it's looking out for us while waiting for us to see past what we want and into what we actually need — and deserve (deserve means to "qualify for," by the way).
So yeah, it's not only okay to think long and hard about it but encouraged to bring the word "right" into the chat. Yes, you are a good woman. Still, are you the right one for him? IS HE THE RIGHT ONE FOR YOU? Because if you were, if he was, do you really think that RIGHT feels and/or acts the way that you're currently acting or feeling?
Do you really?
Don’t Miss the REAL Issue Here: That You Need to Do What’s BEST for You
GiphyIt’s kind of wild — the build-up here. Basically, without even intentionally doing it, we’ve gone from “good” to “right” to the finale — BEST. So with that said, ask yourself something and be as honest about the answer as you deserve (which is 100 percent): have you been so focused on trying to convince him that you’re a good woman that you haven’t stopped to consider that all of the convincing could be a super huge warning sign that he’s actually not what’s best…for you?
Best: of the highest quality, excellence, or standing; most advantageous, suitable, or desirable
Synonyms: first-rate, outstanding, leading, incomparable, finest, champion, 10
For the record, I don’t mean this from a lie-to-your-ego-to-make-rejection-feel-better standpoint either. I mean…I talk to a lot of women who are now ex-wives about how they were either so caught up in getting married or making a specific man their husband that they never really even thought about if he was BEST for them. Because here’s something else: if you’re a good woman and he’s a good man, yet the two of you are not the BEST for each other, the relationship is not as good as you think (or you want it to be). Straight up.
I know we covered A LOT of ground on this, yet, to me, all of it was necessary. If you want to be married, there is nothing wrong with that. If he doesn’t, there is nothing wrong with that either. Where potential drama comes into play is if you know where things stand, and you decide to waste precious time, effort, and energy, knowing that the two of you are not the BEST for each other because you both want different things.
Bottom line on this: being a good woman is only one part of getting someone to marry you. He must be good. You both must want the same things from one another. And most importantly, you should put what’s BEST for you above all else.
Do that, and suddenly wondering what’s up with him won’t be nearly as relevant as what’s BEST for you.
Now exhale. Freedom has revealed itself, sis. What you need to do next will be very shortly as well.
Good needs BEST. Remember that.
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