Can You Be Friends With An Ex AND Be In A Relationship? 4 ‘Insecure’ Fans Sound-Off
With the Black Lives Matter movement rightfully capturing the attention of the country, it's been a tough couple of weeks but leave it to Issa and friends to offer a nice little reprieve of Black joy with another Insecure episode. Last week left off with Issa getting that old thing back with Lawrence. This week, Nathan re-entered the equation.
Who's watching @insecurehbo 🔥#InsecureHBO Just finished protesting in the streets so I can't watch with y'all but I'm tweeting in spirit. Hopefully this can be healing for y'all. ✊🏽🙏🏽🖤 pic.twitter.com/DrEIy0ugEr
— Kendrick Sampson (@kendrick38) June 8, 2020
Long story short…
Issa and Molly FINALLY had the talk. But it did not go at all how fans of the dynamic duo hoped. In the meantime, Issa was juggling her new situationship status with Lawrence and a friendship with her ex-bae-turned-homie Nathan. She was honest with both men but still stressed at even the potential of drama.
Stressed Issa Rae GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphy
I personally feel like "ex" and "friends" shouldn't be in the same sentence. Friendly, OK. But friends, no. If I'm super into you, then knowing you're hanging out and chatting with your ex, without me, will only make me think the worst. I'm aware that some folks remain really good friends with exes even in new thriving relationships, but I'm also aware that I don't have that level of maturity. Rather than have my mind constantly wandering, I'd avoid putting myself in this situation altogether. I understand they were around first, but my partner would have to understand that I'm bae now. Asking them to cut ties with old bae shouldn't be an issue.
I'm sure Insecure fans everywhere were chatting about the sticky situation like my friends were, so I reached out to a few more super fans of the show to see what they think about this:
Can you be friends with an ex and be in a relationship?
It’s On You To Create A Respect Level
"You can but you can't. It'll always be a topic of conversation. There will also be tension there on all sides. But it's all about understanding that the person you're with had a whole life before meeting you. I'm friends with most of my exes.
"I've experienced them still feeling entitled to my attention when I have a new relationship."
"I've seen signals get crossed when the person I'm with feels like they have something to prove. But it's really on you to create a respect level and not make it awkward. It's also up to you to reassure your partner that the past is the past." –Hala Maroc, Personality/Wellness Advocate TheBadassBootcamp.com
A Facebook Friend, But Not A Real-Life Friend
"I think we should all know the answer to this one... NO! (laughs) I just don't think it's necessary to be friends with your ex. I think you should just leave your ex in the past. Being friends with your ex can interfere with your next relationship so why even run the risk. Your partner might not trust you around your ex, so many issues can arise from being friends with an ex. You had friends before your ex and you'll have friends after them so your friendship with them is unnecessary.
"A lot of times one party still has feelings, and if that's the case is that a true friendship? You're probably just low key waiting for the person to be single again so you can try to get back together with them. At best, your ex can maybe be an acquaintance or your Facebook friend but not a real-life friend." –Ayana Gotay
The Real Question Is, SHOULD You?
"You CAN be friends with an ex and be in a relationship, but the real question is SHOULD you? I have exes who I'm cordial with. We don't hang out (unless it's a group setting if we share friends), we don't talk daily and I'm pretty sure they're not going to ask me (a woman) to help them move or pack boxes.
"Should you choose to have an active friendship with your ex, there needs to be strong boundaries in place."
"They need to know if they cross any lines that you deem disrespectful or malicious, the friendship is done. If the relationship with your ex makes your new bae uncomfortable, then you have to decide which relationship is more important to you." –Amiyah Deziire, Author, Midnight Confessions
It’s Situational
"Before forming a new bond with an ex and labeling him/her as a friend; communicate with your significant other and get his/her opinion on the situation. If they are against it or question it, then take that into consideration. It depends on the situation, how you would conduct that friendship, and where that other person is in his/her life. For example, my boyfriend's ex is married with a kid, he is in a relationship with me therefore, there isn't a reason why they would be friends, right? Both are in different stages, states, and situations in their life." –Kateri Fischer, On-Air Scheduling Coordinator, BET Networks
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Featured image by HBO/Insecure
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Jazmine A. Ortiz is a creative born and raised in Bushwick, Brooklyn and currently living in Staten Island, NY. She started in the entertainment industry in 2012 and now works as a Lifestyle Editor where she explores everything from mental health to vegan foodie trends. For more on what she's doing in the digital space follow her on Instagram at @liddle_bitt.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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My name is Yasmine Jameelah, and I’m a founder, journalist, freelance writer, and dog mama. Wellness is at the intersection of everything that I do.
Six years ago, I started a small wellness community on Instagram after embarking on a healing journey in my mid-twenties that I documented via a blog where I wrote about healing, therapy, celibacy, and growth after what felt like years of chaos. Six years later, that wellness community has blossomed into one of the largest online wellness platforms for Black women called Transparent Black Girl which has a reach of over five million Black women.
It still sounds crazy to say that aloud, to know that a 24-year-old girl planted the seeds of the life that this 30-year-old woman gets to live now.
While I was growing my company, because my love for writing was so strong, I went back to school and obtained my master's in journalism. I’ve worked as a freelance writer, an editor, and a frequent contributor to publications that I respect greatly, xoNecole being one of them! My journalism career has been a reflection of my passion and heart for wellness and the culture. My day-to-day is busy, but we manage to get it done, and on the days that I can’t, I give myself grace to do what I can with the time that I have.
My days consist of events, long walks with my dog, freelance pitching, and deciding what content creation and events will look like for my wellness collective, Transparent & Black.
Now, follow me on a random day in my life.
Morning
5:00 a.m.
My Goldendoodle keeps me on a schedule, so every morning, like clockwork, he wakes me up to use the bathroom and eat breakfast, at 5 a.m.! Am I usually over it first thing in the morning? 100%, but his being on a schedule challenges me to stick with mine and start the day on a productive note. He’s a wellness dog which means I feed him home-cooked meals and give him supplements daily to support his health, and he has a daily dental treat to keep his teeth healthy. Canine dental hygiene is imperative for a long life and a good smelling breath!
Today, I’m heading into the city, and I’ll be there almost all day, so when I’m gone that long, I take him to doggy daycare.
7:00 a.m.
Doggy daycare drop-off is filled with tons of barks, and my dog is practically jumping out of the car with excitement to see his friends. Now, some of y’all might be thinking, doggy daycare, sis, that’s too much for a dog! But it’s not, socialization is key for dogs, and so is keeping my house intact when I’m gone for long periods of time. Does he go daily? No, we aren’t rich (yet, we gotta manifest!), but when my dog is happy and experiencing play, and I’m happy attending events, I feel accomplished.
Having a pet is a serious responsibility, and I pride myself on knowing that I am invested in his mental and emotional health by encouraging his socialization with his friends.
7:30 a.m.
Headed to my local coffee shop to grab my go-to order. Iced coffee, a single shot of espresso, half and half, and 3 pumps of agave. Winter, spring, summer, fall, I am an iced coffee girl. I love it, especially after a workout where I’ve broken a sweat - nothing about having hot coffee after I’ve been sweating for over an hour feels good to me.
8:00 a.m.
Back home listening to Carlos King's commentary on YouTube in the shower (what can I say, commentary on reality TV drama relaxes me, don’t judge!) and prepping for the first stop on the agenda for today which is an event in the city. Without traffic, I’m about a 25-minute drive to Manhattan but it’s rush hour, so that 25 minutes is about 55 which means I have to head out soon so that I can arrive on time.
Courtesy
9:00 a.m.
Headed to Manhattan for a Black History Month event with Meta, Peloton, and We The Culture. I wanted to take the train, but I ran out of time, so I hopped in an Uber because I didn’t want to be late, and I had my daily check-in with my best friend while I rode in the Uber. We talk daily and have since our early twenties to check in with each other. I'm grateful that while many aspects of my life have changed, this is still a constant. As we age, prioritizing our friendships for sure gets harder, but it’s not impossible in the least bit when both parties are invested.
9:30 a.m.
Emailing my editor from the car to ask for a deadline extension and sharing with her my ideas for pieces for the month! I’m grateful to have been on both sides of the journalism space. I’ve been a managing editor for years for publications, and I’ve also had the honor to work with managing editors, deputy editors, and editors-in-chief who have poured into me and understood how quickly my schedule can change, I’m honored at the magic we’re able to create together.
As a storyteller, from content that I share to my platform to pieces that I write, I’m having fun again in this season of my life, and I am loving it.
Courtesy
10:00 a.m.
The event begins, and I can’t lie, when I host my own events, I’m not scared, but as a social anxiety girlie, events sometimes can be a little scary. I am naturally a very shy girl, but wellness events always feel like home to me. You don’t have to dress up; you can show up in workout gear because most of the time you’re experiencing some form of wellness and fitness even during the event. Moments into the panel discussion we experienced a seated meditation led by Peloton instructor Dr. Chelsea Jackson Roberts - talk about a way to kick the day off!
Courtesy
The discussion hosted by Meta and Peleton touched on the importance of taking up space in industries and spaces where Black women and people are underrepresented, our self-care regimens, and We The Culture also shared how their work came to be. It was such a powerful event, and of course, we got the inside scoop on Peloton’s newest machines! I also spoke with some people (it’s important to me to always say hello to those who put on the event) and ended up sitting next to THE Pilates girl herself, Raven Ross. She was such a sweetheart, and we talked about our love for Pilates and the importance of community events like this.
Afternoon
2:00 p.m.
Leaving the event, I headed to Sephora to see if I could find Topicals' always sold-out Slick Salve, but to no avail, so I pulled out my phone and ordered it on their website as I walked back to the train station to head back home. I am a girl who loves to walk, so I’m always down for a long walk to the station and a walk back home when time permits, so that’s exactly what I did. I did about four miles just between walking back to Penn Station and walking back to my apartment once I got off the train!
4:30 p.m.
My phone started blowing up because the piece that Oprah Daily asked me to write was published for Black History Month, and my face was on Oprah’s website, AOL’s homepage, and the publication's Instagram page! My mama, aunties, cousins, dad, and everyone who has known me since I was a little girl were beyond proud and excited to see that and how far I’ve come.
Courtesy
Evening / Night
Courtesy
5:30 p.m.
I headed to my gym in my home (praise the Lord for apartment amenities) for a quick swim before I picked up my dog from daycare, and then I headed to the sauna and ran into a neighbor who is another successful Black woman killing it in her own right in the tech space. We chatted about life updates and the importance of taking time for our mental health and it felt good to ground myself with swimming. Much of my life has changed in the past few years, but swimming has remained a constant.
Whenever something amazing happens I soak it in and then immediately do what I can to ground myself to stay present, humble, grateful, and focused on what’s ahead.
Courtesy
6:30 p.m.
It started raining badly and my anxiety is all over the place on the drive to pick up my dog but I practice some deep breathing and remind myself that I have had a calm day and it can end calm as well. I don’t need to rush there, I can drive at a pace that feels good to me. My mother calls to check on me because she sees the weather is terrible and asks me to let her know when I arrive safely.
7:00 p.m.
I arrived at doggy daycare, and the rain is calming down. Can y’all see why I take him?! They watch him all day! My dog is exhausted in the best way and ready to go home and sleep, and I can sit down and relax when we head back home.
9:00 p.m.
I’m back home, took a bath, ordered my favorite healthy Chinese takeout (beef and shrimp with broccoli, light sauce with brown rice), and I’m on the couch with a glass of sustainable wine from one of my favorite Black-owned brands, House of Brown watching Sistaswith a side of kimchi to enjoy with dinner. My candles are lit, I’m letting the highs of the day sit with me and stillness come over me as I prepare for bed.
10:30 p.m.
I took my dog out for a final walk, gave him his bedtime treat, and it’s lights out to prepare for another day.
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Featured image by courtesy