Even One Is Too Many: The Current Sex Trafficking Crisis Among Black Women
A couple of nights ago, I got triggered (more on that in just a bit). Let me give a little history as to why. Back when I was in high school (a "Christian" high school at that), two guys—a Black male junior and a white male senior—pulled me into the back of the white senior's car. They handcuffed me, ripped open my shirt and bra and proceeded to sexually assault me. The Black junior had every intention of raping me, he even joked about making me give him some, but when the white senior saw the dead look in my eyes and noticed how silent I was—which was totally out of character for me—he convinced his "friend" to not do it. Instead, they drove me to the back of an old strip mall and, with my shirt still open, they dumped me outside of it. Luckily, another student's grandmother owned a beauty salon in that same strip mall, so I sought refuge there. The administration somehow convinced my mother and stepfather to not press charges. Instead, the guys were suspended for two days. That was it. They committed a crime yet they were able to go home and watch television for a couple of days while I returned to school feeling completely mortified, vulnerable and unprotected. It happened on a Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving. Every time this time of the year rolls around, I think about it.
That's why, as someone who is a survivor of sexual abuse, sexual assault and date rape (twice), I get triggered whenever I read headlines like "White South Carolina DJ Accused Of Sex-Trafficking Nearly 700 Black Girls" (how is this not international news, y'all?!) or I hear a quote from a Black male serial killer of Black female sex workers who rationalized his targeting based on the belief that no one would notice that that they were gone. Not notice? Or not care? Based on the lack of consistent coverage that the topic of sex trafficking among Black women is NOT receiving, I think there is a very fine line between the two. And that? That has me mad as hell.
It's not like this issue is some sort of conspiracy theory or an internet rumor that has gotten out of hand. Let's take Atlanta, for example. If you look on Wikipedia's page on sex trafficking in Georgia, it says this specifically about the city: "Atlanta is a major transportation hub for trafficking young girls from Mexico and is one of the fourteen U.S. cities with the highest levels of child sex trafficking. In 2007, the sex trade generated $290 million in Atlanta." That's not hard to believe when you are able to Google headlines like "Atlanta Hotel Employees Helped Sex Traffickers Avoid Police, Four Plaintiffs Allege in Federal Lawsuits", "Not For Sale: 100+ Minors Rescued In Child Sex Trafficking Op" and "Rampant Sex Trafficking Ignored at Atlanta-Area Hotels: Lawsuits". Have mercy.
Thankfully, I've never been a victim of sex trafficking. But as a survivor of sexual abuse and assault, there is absolutely no way that I can stand by and only read about what is going on. I have to give a voice to this ongoing evil. I have to do more than just "be triggered". Just like it takes a village to raise our children, it takes a village to protect our own as well. And so, I wanted to share just a few things that should make us all want to do whatever we can to shed light on what so many wish would remain in the dark.
Sex Trafficking Happens Daily. DAILY.
Even as I'm writing all of this this out, I caught the following headline—"Man Accused of Kidnapping, Sex Trafficking Girls". This monster was not in ATL; he is in Memphis. Sex trafficking is happening everywhere. Everywhere. It's been reported that between 20-40 million are victims of this form of modern-day slavery (which is exactly what sex trafficking is), that it's a $150 billion a year business, and that it flies under the radar because most victims go undetected; especially Black women. In fact, according to the National Center for Victims of Crime:
"Evidence suggests that Black youths ages 12 to 19 are victims of violent crime at significantly higher rates than their white peers. Black youths are three times more likely to be victims of reported child abuse or neglect, three times more likely to be victims of robbery and five times more likely to be victims of homicide."
Not only that but the article "Sex Trafficking's True Victims: Why Are Our Black Girls/Women So Vulnerable?" states this:
"Per the FBI, 59 percent of all juvenile prostitution arrests involve African-Americans. With law enforcement more likely to see a Black sex trafficking victim as a prostitute and not as someone needing help, trying to find solutions toward keeping our girls safe may require a radical examination of the core beliefs American society is currently based on."
One woman interviewed in the article said something that Cyntoia Brown-Long has stated based on her own sex trafficking survival story; she said that it wasn't until she read what happened to another woman that she even realized what sex trafficking was.
Sex Trafficking Is Way More Common than You Might Think
If you find that data hard to believe, take a moment to check out this sex trafficking survivor's recount. I'll give you the heads up that is absolutely heartbreaking to hear, although her courage and strength are absolutely mind-blowing. Black women amaze me; their resilience is like no other.
As Black Women, We Are Extremely Vulnerable When It Comes to Sex Trafficking
So, here comes my trigger point. Y'all, I wish that I could find it in my inbox, but a couple of weeks ago, a woman tweeted a story about hailing a Lyft or Uber (I can't remember) and the driver initially attempted to drop her off at an abandoned building instead of the airport. It wasn't until she persisted that he do otherwise that he took her to where she was actually supposed to be. Who knows what that man's motive was, but I thought about him when I watched a now viral video about a woman who has a similar story.
She took a Lyft but, rather than the driver taking her to her place of employment, he drove up behind a truck who had a man in it who opened up the gates to a warehouse. How did she escape? She got out of the car and ran. Watch the video. She is clearly shaken. Me? Triggered. And you know what? Anyone who is even remotely tempted to be skeptical or cynical about stories like these, they should read articles like "Las Vegas Police Trying to Combat Sex Trafficking in Ride Shares" and "Uber Trains Drivers On How To Spot Victims Of Human Trafficking". Again, just because this isn't getting the kind of coverage that it should, that doesn't mean it isn't happening. Lyft and Uber are not oblivious either. Not even a little bit.
So, What Should We Do About this...Whispered Epidemic?
Yeah. This a lot. A LOT. And please believe that I'm not sharing all of this to paralyze you with fear; it's more about simply heightening the awareness of this…whispered epidemic. Why do I call it that? It's because while sex trafficking among Black women and Black girls (Black boys too) isn't exactly something that is being silenced, it is most definitely something that we should be getting louder and louder about. Consistently and unapologetically so.
We can start by being proactive about some of the ways to protect ourselves while supporting the women around us—whether we know them personally or not.
1. Tweet and Retweet Missing People's Info
Another tweet that I recently saw simply asked, "Where are all of the Amber Alerts for all of these missing Black women?" I mean, and I'm saying. We all know that mainstream media is, let's say passively aggressively ignorant to a lot of what happens in our community. At the same time, what we also know is Black Twitter is a powerhouse that is close-to-impossible to rival. So, when you're on your social media, if someone comes up in your feed who is asking you to use your voice to spread the word about a missing person, please retweet it.
Even though there are murmurings of hoaxes going on that are purely for the sake of getting attention (which is absolutely deplorable), I would rather RT and be wrong than not do it and always wonder if I should have. All of the stories that go viral happen because we share the information. According to Statista, as of last year, there were 200,000 files of missing Black people. There are several other outlets that state between 64,000-75,000 Black women and girls are missing. These numbers are way too high to be wondering if someone is telling the truth or not when a picture of a loved one scrolls up on our timeline.
2. Share Insightful Survival Tips with Others
Even without all of the trafficking that is going on, I am not someone who parks next to vans or trucks. I don't care if I'm at the grocery store, a post office or the movies. I need to park where folks can see me get in and out of my car and large vehicles make that pretty difficult. If you think that leans on the side of being paranoid, I am totally fine with that. Besides, this video right here co-signs on why it really is a super smart thing to do.
Even though I don't have social media accounts, when I saw this video, I shared it. Every little bit of proactive insight helps. Whenever you get some, please make sure to pass it along as well.
3. If You’re a Guy, Check on Your Sistahs
I'm a single Black woman and the men in my life never let me forget it. One of my closest male friends is a retired Marine and he is perfectly fine letting me know that he knows how to keep tabs on me, whether I like it or not. My male friends request that I let them know if I'm heading out at night and, if so, to reach out when I return home so that they know that I'm safe. They're good dudes. They really are.
A man by the name of Minister Tony Bradford once said, "The most revolutionary thing that a Black man can do, living in a racist society, is to love, protect and respect his Black woman." Amen. The only thing that I would add to that is, Black men, we need you to love, protect and respect us whether we're in a personal relationship with you or not.
If you see a Black woman walking alone in a parking lot, watch to make sure that she gets there safely. If it seems like someone is harassing her in any way, don't be hesitant to ask, "Are you OK, sis?" Little gestures like this help to make us feel like we're not alone; like someone is truly looking out. (Which means ladies, when guys do stuff like this, don't automatically assume it's game. Give the benefit of the doubt that they are simply being gentlemen.)
4. If You’re a Non-Black Person, Please Do Your Part
Essence.Atlanta Black Star.The Root. If you go to your favorite search engine and put "Black human trafficking" in the search field, these are the publications that will have links on the topic. And what does they have in common? They are Black sites. My point?
If you're a non-Black person reading this and you're like, "Wow. That's horrible" but that response is not followed up with "What can I do?" then your sympathy is not enough. We need compassion and compassion is defined as being "a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering".
Also share the missing reports that you see. And please, make the time to contact non-Black media outlets to alert them to what they seem to be overlooking far more than they should—missing Black women and girls. While they might claim to not know, they will end up looking real crazy out here if ALL OF US are writing them so much that we're like, "Oh, you know. We've been hounding you for weeks now." Not just Black people (which should be enough…SMDH). Everyone.
5. As Far as Ridesharing Goes…
I can count the amount of times that I've been in an Uber or Lyft. None of the times have I been uneasy but that doesn't mean that I wasn't aware of my surroundings either. In the effort to protect yourself—wait indoors until your ride comes. If you need to, take a picture of the license plate before getting into the vehicle (it's not illegal to do that) and then send it to a loved one or co-worker. Before shutting the door, make sure that there are no child safety locks on it (if there are…step out of the vehicle). Confirm that they know your first name and where you are going before leaving with the driver (if they are legitimate, they will know both). Remember, you are not catching a ride with a friend; you are paying for a service. So, if you feel uneasy for any reason, make sure to report the driver, even if you get to your destination safely. Do not offer up any personal details with the driver. Download a tracking app like Tego so that someone you trust can track where you are walking or riding to. Make sure that someone knows when you got into the car and when you got out (if you feel more comfortable remaining on the phone the entire time, that's cool too). Tips like these should help to put you more at ease if ridesharing is what you choose to do.
6. Protect Yourself. AT ALL TIMES.
A lot of people are talking more and more about arming themselves; especially Black women. If that is not something that you desire or are yet prepared to do, there are other ways to protect yourself. Pepper spray. Tactical pens. Stun guns. These are just some of the other things that you can carry while you're out 'n about. Several years ago, I took a self-defense class and it was one of the most self-empowering things that I've ever done. If money is tight and you need to take a free set of courses, click here for info on where to find what you need. If you must go out late at night, try and avoid being alone. Oh, and always carry a flashlight in your purse or get a key chain one. Two things that hate the light are rodents and criminals (which is pretty much interchangeable, if you ask me).
Y'all, we all know that so much more can be said. But it is my hope and prayer that this at least reminded you that none of us are alone in this and that there are things that can be done to fight back. Black sex trafficking is criminal, evil and an ongoing epidemic. But Black love, power and support is unstoppable. Let's not lose sight of our light…in the midst of what so many are trying to keep in the dark.
If you or someone you know is a victim of sex trafficking, contact the National Human Trafficking Hotline at 1-888-373-7888 or visit HumanTraffickingHotline.org.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
The Empowering Way This Rape Survivor Took Back Her Life
We Can't Only Demand & Refute Justice When It Serves To Help Our Men
Being Sexually Assaulted Led Me To Myself
My Partner Knew I Had Been Sexually Assaulted Before I Told Him
Feature image by Shutterstock
- Collateral Damage: How LA's fight against sex trafficking is hurting ... ›
- Trafficking is a Problem for Our Girls, Too — OURSELVES BLACK ›
- Who's disproportionately a victim of human trafficking? Young black ... ›
- African American human trafficking statistics will astound you! ›
- Gabrielle Union: Human Trafficking Disproportionately Affects Black ... ›
- White South Carolina DJ Accused Of Sex-Trafficking Nearly 700 ... ›
- Essence Special Report: Sex Trafficking In The Black Community ... ›
- Sex Trafficking's True Victims: Why Are Our Black Girls/Women So ... ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Honestly, I don’t know if it will surprise y’all or not to know that a few years back, Vice published an article entitled, “Women Get Bored in Bed Faster Than Men.” When it comes to the clients I work with, what I will say is men tend to underestimate how creative women can be while women seem to overlook that men fake orgasms just about as much as they do. My grand takeaway from all of this? Folks need to be intentional when it comes to keeping the spice alive in their sex life; especially if they’re in a long-term relationship.
That’s why, when one couple came to me and asked what was something that they could do to light the fire (pun intended) in their own bedroom, the first thing that I asked was if they had ever tried wax play before. You should’ve seen the expression on their faces. LOL.
When it comes to things like that, I think that it’s still taboo for some, simply because they’ve only seen it on a movie screen or heard about it in true extreme sexual contexts — and so, they don’t think that it’s something that is “for them” when, the reality is, with the right tips in tow, wax play can be for pretty much anyone…and everyone.
So today, let’s add something new to some of y’all’s boudoir list of activities. Here are 10 things that will, hopefully, help you to see the flames of wax play (I’ve got puns all over the place today) in a whole new light.
1. Anticipation Does Wonders for Sexual Arousal
GiphyI once read an article by a mental health expert who said that anticipation is probably the greatest aphrodisiac of all. It builds excitement. It fuels curiosity. At the end of the day, it’s like a mental form of edging because you’re getting close to something that you look forward to — although you’re not quite there yet. Listen, he’s not off base because even science says that anticipation can give you a dopamine hit that can ultimately improve your sexual experiences.
Keeping this point in mind, how can watching hot wax drip from a candle and head toward your body not fuel some level of anticipation? Especially if it’s your first few times trying it? A woman by the name of Ana Monnar once said, “Anticipation is sometimes more exciting than actual events.” Just something to consider, when it comes to entertaining bringing wax play into your world, my dear.
2. Wax Play Is Peak-Level Foreplay
GiphyWe all know what foreplay is, right? Just to be sure that we’re all on the same page, a very basic definition is it’s something that typically happens right before sex in order to arouse the people who are about to have it. And since foreplay is pretty much the prelude to copulation, it’s important that “the appetizer” is damn near as good as the “main course.” Wax play can help to ensure that because, aside from what I just said about anticipation, it can also help you and your partner tap into your more sensual and seductive sides. It’s hot. It requires being mindful. And since so much give and take is involved, it requires both people to be very into the moment. Lawd. Wax play is sexy to even just think about!
3. Temperature Pleasure Is Lots of Fun
GiphyOkay, say that you’ve never played with wax (in this way) before. Have you ever incorporated ice cubes? I ain’t gonna let y’all get ALL up in my business, so…let me just say (for now) that some ice during oral sex ain’t neva hurt nobody…quite the contrary! There’s something about the unexpected cool that mixes around with the warmth of a mouth that is truly unmatched. Along these same lines, wax play brings in the heat and, what makes temperature pleasure/play so awesome is, that it uses the sensations of different temperatures to bring out different forms of stimulation.
Another thing that’s worth noting about temperature pleasure is if you’re someone who considers yourself to be on the sexually conservative side yet you do like this type of activity, whether you realize it or not, you’re low-key participating in a form of kink (yep!). This brings me to my next point.
4. Wax Play Is an Introduction to Kink
GiphyIt’s kind of interesting how some people clam up at the thought of a (sexual) kink when the reality is, at the end of the day, it’s about having a certain type of sexual experience (as opposed to a fetish that focuses on objects or body parts; like a foot fetish, for example). So, if it’s that simple, why does it intimidate a lot of folks? Well, kinks tend to delve into people’s fantasies or unconventional ways of thinking (like BDSM or voyeurism).
At the same time, the cool thing about kinks is you control how deep you want to go. Just know that if you do participate in wax play, there’s no point in turning up your nose to the whole kink thing; wax play technically qualifies.
5. Soy Does One Thing. Paraffin Does Another.
GiphyOkay, so let’s spend a couple of moments talking about the things that you need to get the most out of your wax play experience. First, please don’t be out here imitating movies. While they will have you believing that you should pull a taper candle from your dining room table and go ham with it, it’s best to go with massage candles; they are specifically designed for wax play and body massages (The Knot has a recommendation list here and Women’s Health has a list of their own here).
When it comes to candles, in general, I’m always a fan of soy because they burn cleaner and last longer. However, when it comes to wax play, two other reasons why soy is best is it’s natural and “burns lower;” this simply means that once the wax hits your body, it won’t be as hot as, say, paraffin wax will (because it has a higher burning point).
What all of this means is if you want a more comfortable experience, go with a soy (or even a shea butter or beeswax) candle. If you want to play with the big (wax play) kids, try paraffin.
Oh, and if you’re wondering if you can never use “regular” candles — I mean, it’s your body. All I’m saying is some candles are designed for wax play; birthday candles? They are not. Feel me?
6. Massage Candles Feel Incredible on Your Muscles and Joints
GiphySo, here’s the thing about massage candles: If you’ve ever had a professional massage before, your massage therapist may have used them. And if you’ve gotten a high-end mani/pedi, some paraffin wax may have come into play (no pun intended). That’s because the wax from both types of candles has health benefits that include relaxing muscles, improving joint mobility, and increasing blood flow throughout the body. And when you factor in the fact that the better you physically feel before sex, the better sex will be during it — isn’t that just one more plus for and perk of wax play? I definitely think so.
7. The Aromatherapy Is Incomparable
GiphySomething else that’s awesome about most massage candles is they have a wonderfully alluring scent to them, by design. Yes, that matters too because there is plenty of data out here to support the fact that aromatherapy does everything from reduce stress and relieve bodily discomfort to treat headaches and fight off infections (word on the street is that it may even help with menstrual cramps and menopause).
As far as your sex life goes, aromatherapy is supreme because certain essential oils double up as aphrodisiacs. Lavender, neroli, and rose are proven to improve your sexual function. Geranium reduces anxiety. And listen, if climaxing is your ultimate goal, check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm” and then look for massage oils that smell like, say, vanilla, saffron or jasmine. Bottom line, a good massage candle that smells amazing is going to be worth every cent that you spent to purchase it.
8. You Will Learn Communication (and Dirty Talk) on a Whole ‘Nother Level
GiphyOne of the reasons why I once penned, “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” for the platform is because, if there’s one thing that I think is so awesome about sex, is it finds a way to incorporate all five of your senses (sight, touch, taste, sound and hearing) as well as your top love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and gifts — if you’re open to it).
And when it comes to hearing (and words of affirmation), this is another area where wax play can be a winner because, as you’re learning what works for your partner and they learn what works for you, words have to be exchanged… perhaps even dirty ones.
And why is dirty talk so damn effective? According to scientific research, it has the ability to activate your entire brain (the biggest sex organ that you have) and when this is going on while you’re being physically stimulated — chile, the sky truly is the limit!
9. Wax Play Is Completely Customizable
GiphyYou know back when I was talking about soy candles vs. paraffin ones? Something that I didn’t mention, by design at the time, is that, although I will forever be Team Massage Candles when it comes to this particular topic, there are some known as wax play candles too. What’s the difference? Wax play candles tend to remain pretty hard (after being lit up) while massage candles are designed to melt into a liquid that you can massage on your partner’s body.
Why am I bringing this all up now? Well, it’s to serve as a reminder that wax play can be “dialed up” or “turned down” based on what you want to do. If you just want to put a twist on a massage, you can do that. If you’d like to test your partner’s tolerance level by applying more heat for longer, do that.
Just make sure that you use the kind of wax that doesn’t fully melt on shaved areas of the body (pretty sure why is self-explanatory), that you moisturize your skin beforehand (it’s easier to remove the wax…or whatever is leftover) that way and that you pour around 15-20 inches away from your partner’s body; that gives it time to cool somewhat on the way down. Oh, and if you don’t want to jack up your sheets, you might want to lay down a protective drop cloth (like this one here).
10. It Sure As Hell Ain’t Boring
Season 1 Friends GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyLast point — and it brings all of this full circle. Now that you’ve read all of the ways that wax play can benefit your sex life, how in the world could you associate it with “boring” on any level? Anything that can get you hype, cultivate eagerness, and enhance what you’ve already got going on…that is worth putting on your sex bucket list and trying at least one time, wouldn’t you say? And why can’t that time be…TONIGHT? Shoot your man a pick of a massage candle with a heart and watch him beat you home.
Then report back (with edits…LOL).
Something tells me that you’ll become a wax play fan — SOON.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by arsenisspyros/Getty Images