Even One Is Too Many: The Current Sex Trafficking Crisis Among Black Women
A couple of nights ago, I got triggered (more on that in just a bit). Let me give a little history as to why. Back when I was in high school (a "Christian" high school at that), two guys—a Black male junior and a white male senior—pulled me into the back of the white senior's car. They handcuffed me, ripped open my shirt and bra and proceeded to sexually assault me. The Black junior had every intention of raping me, he even joked about making me give him some, but when the white senior saw the dead look in my eyes and noticed how silent I was—which was totally out of character for me—he convinced his "friend" to not do it. Instead, they drove me to the back of an old strip mall and, with my shirt still open, they dumped me outside of it. Luckily, another student's grandmother owned a beauty salon in that same strip mall, so I sought refuge there. The administration somehow convinced my mother and stepfather to not press charges. Instead, the guys were suspended for two days. That was it. They committed a crime yet they were able to go home and watch television for a couple of days while I returned to school feeling completely mortified, vulnerable and unprotected. It happened on a Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving. Every time this time of the year rolls around, I think about it.
That's why, as someone who is a survivor of sexual abuse, sexual assault and date rape (twice), I get triggered whenever I read headlines like "White South Carolina DJ Accused Of Sex-Trafficking Nearly 700 Black Girls" (how is this not international news, y'all?!) or I hear a quote from a Black male serial killer of Black female sex workers who rationalized his targeting based on the belief that no one would notice that that they were gone. Not notice? Or not care? Based on the lack of consistent coverage that the topic of sex trafficking among Black women is NOT receiving, I think there is a very fine line between the two. And that? That has me mad as hell.
It's not like this issue is some sort of conspiracy theory or an internet rumor that has gotten out of hand. Let's take Atlanta, for example. If you look on Wikipedia's page on sex trafficking in Georgia, it says this specifically about the city: "Atlanta is a major transportation hub for trafficking young girls from Mexico and is one of the fourteen U.S. cities with the highest levels of child sex trafficking. In 2007, the sex trade generated $290 million in Atlanta." That's not hard to believe when you are able to Google headlines like "Atlanta Hotel Employees Helped Sex Traffickers Avoid Police, Four Plaintiffs Allege in Federal Lawsuits", "Not For Sale: 100+ Minors Rescued In Child Sex Trafficking Op" and "Rampant Sex Trafficking Ignored at Atlanta-Area Hotels: Lawsuits". Have mercy.
Thankfully, I've never been a victim of sex trafficking. But as a survivor of sexual abuse and assault, there is absolutely no way that I can stand by and only read about what is going on. I have to give a voice to this ongoing evil. I have to do more than just "be triggered". Just like it takes a village to raise our children, it takes a village to protect our own as well. And so, I wanted to share just a few things that should make us all want to do whatever we can to shed light on what so many wish would remain in the dark.
Sex Trafficking Happens Daily. DAILY.
Even as I'm writing all of this this out, I caught the following headline—"Man Accused of Kidnapping, Sex Trafficking Girls". This monster was not in ATL; he is in Memphis. Sex trafficking is happening everywhere. Everywhere. It's been reported that between 20-40 million are victims of this form of modern-day slavery (which is exactly what sex trafficking is), that it's a $150 billion a year business, and that it flies under the radar because most victims go undetected; especially Black women. In fact, according to the National Center for Victims of Crime:
"Evidence suggests that Black youths ages 12 to 19 are victims of violent crime at significantly higher rates than their white peers. Black youths are three times more likely to be victims of reported child abuse or neglect, three times more likely to be victims of robbery and five times more likely to be victims of homicide."
Not only that but the article "Sex Trafficking's True Victims: Why Are Our Black Girls/Women So Vulnerable?" states this:
"Per the FBI, 59 percent of all juvenile prostitution arrests involve African-Americans. With law enforcement more likely to see a Black sex trafficking victim as a prostitute and not as someone needing help, trying to find solutions toward keeping our girls safe may require a radical examination of the core beliefs American society is currently based on."
One woman interviewed in the article said something that Cyntoia Brown-Long has stated based on her own sex trafficking survival story; she said that it wasn't until she read what happened to another woman that she even realized what sex trafficking was.
Sex Trafficking Is Way More Common than You Might Think
If you find that data hard to believe, take a moment to check out this sex trafficking survivor's recount. I'll give you the heads up that is absolutely heartbreaking to hear, although her courage and strength are absolutely mind-blowing. Black women amaze me; their resilience is like no other.
As Black Women, We Are Extremely Vulnerable When It Comes to Sex Trafficking
So, here comes my trigger point. Y'all, I wish that I could find it in my inbox, but a couple of weeks ago, a woman tweeted a story about hailing a Lyft or Uber (I can't remember) and the driver initially attempted to drop her off at an abandoned building instead of the airport. It wasn't until she persisted that he do otherwise that he took her to where she was actually supposed to be. Who knows what that man's motive was, but I thought about him when I watched a now viral video about a woman who has a similar story.
She took a Lyft but, rather than the driver taking her to her place of employment, he drove up behind a truck who had a man in it who opened up the gates to a warehouse. How did she escape? She got out of the car and ran. Watch the video. She is clearly shaken. Me? Triggered. And you know what? Anyone who is even remotely tempted to be skeptical or cynical about stories like these, they should read articles like "Las Vegas Police Trying to Combat Sex Trafficking in Ride Shares" and "Uber Trains Drivers On How To Spot Victims Of Human Trafficking". Again, just because this isn't getting the kind of coverage that it should, that doesn't mean it isn't happening. Lyft and Uber are not oblivious either. Not even a little bit.
So, What Should We Do About this...Whispered Epidemic?
Yeah. This a lot. A LOT. And please believe that I'm not sharing all of this to paralyze you with fear; it's more about simply heightening the awareness of this…whispered epidemic. Why do I call it that? It's because while sex trafficking among Black women and Black girls (Black boys too) isn't exactly something that is being silenced, it is most definitely something that we should be getting louder and louder about. Consistently and unapologetically so.
We can start by being proactive about some of the ways to protect ourselves while supporting the women around us—whether we know them personally or not.
1. Tweet and Retweet Missing People's Info
Another tweet that I recently saw simply asked, "Where are all of the Amber Alerts for all of these missing Black women?" I mean, and I'm saying. We all know that mainstream media is, let's say passively aggressively ignorant to a lot of what happens in our community. At the same time, what we also know is Black Twitter is a powerhouse that is close-to-impossible to rival. So, when you're on your social media, if someone comes up in your feed who is asking you to use your voice to spread the word about a missing person, please retweet it.
Even though there are murmurings of hoaxes going on that are purely for the sake of getting attention (which is absolutely deplorable), I would rather RT and be wrong than not do it and always wonder if I should have. All of the stories that go viral happen because we share the information. According to Statista, as of last year, there were 200,000 files of missing Black people. There are several other outlets that state between 64,000-75,000 Black women and girls are missing. These numbers are way too high to be wondering if someone is telling the truth or not when a picture of a loved one scrolls up on our timeline.
2. Share Insightful Survival Tips with Others
Even without all of the trafficking that is going on, I am not someone who parks next to vans or trucks. I don't care if I'm at the grocery store, a post office or the movies. I need to park where folks can see me get in and out of my car and large vehicles make that pretty difficult. If you think that leans on the side of being paranoid, I am totally fine with that. Besides, this video right here co-signs on why it really is a super smart thing to do.
Even though I don't have social media accounts, when I saw this video, I shared it. Every little bit of proactive insight helps. Whenever you get some, please make sure to pass it along as well.
3. If You’re a Guy, Check on Your Sistahs
I'm a single Black woman and the men in my life never let me forget it. One of my closest male friends is a retired Marine and he is perfectly fine letting me know that he knows how to keep tabs on me, whether I like it or not. My male friends request that I let them know if I'm heading out at night and, if so, to reach out when I return home so that they know that I'm safe. They're good dudes. They really are.
A man by the name of Minister Tony Bradford once said, "The most revolutionary thing that a Black man can do, living in a racist society, is to love, protect and respect his Black woman." Amen. The only thing that I would add to that is, Black men, we need you to love, protect and respect us whether we're in a personal relationship with you or not.
If you see a Black woman walking alone in a parking lot, watch to make sure that she gets there safely. If it seems like someone is harassing her in any way, don't be hesitant to ask, "Are you OK, sis?" Little gestures like this help to make us feel like we're not alone; like someone is truly looking out. (Which means ladies, when guys do stuff like this, don't automatically assume it's game. Give the benefit of the doubt that they are simply being gentlemen.)
4. If You’re a Non-Black Person, Please Do Your Part
Essence.Atlanta Black Star.The Root. If you go to your favorite search engine and put "Black human trafficking" in the search field, these are the publications that will have links on the topic. And what does they have in common? They are Black sites. My point?
If you're a non-Black person reading this and you're like, "Wow. That's horrible" but that response is not followed up with "What can I do?" then your sympathy is not enough. We need compassion and compassion is defined as being "a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering".
Also share the missing reports that you see. And please, make the time to contact non-Black media outlets to alert them to what they seem to be overlooking far more than they should—missing Black women and girls. While they might claim to not know, they will end up looking real crazy out here if ALL OF US are writing them so much that we're like, "Oh, you know. We've been hounding you for weeks now." Not just Black people (which should be enough…SMDH). Everyone.
5. As Far as Ridesharing Goes…
I can count the amount of times that I've been in an Uber or Lyft. None of the times have I been uneasy but that doesn't mean that I wasn't aware of my surroundings either. In the effort to protect yourself—wait indoors until your ride comes. If you need to, take a picture of the license plate before getting into the vehicle (it's not illegal to do that) and then send it to a loved one or co-worker. Before shutting the door, make sure that there are no child safety locks on it (if there are…step out of the vehicle). Confirm that they know your first name and where you are going before leaving with the driver (if they are legitimate, they will know both). Remember, you are not catching a ride with a friend; you are paying for a service. So, if you feel uneasy for any reason, make sure to report the driver, even if you get to your destination safely. Do not offer up any personal details with the driver. Download a tracking app like Tego so that someone you trust can track where you are walking or riding to. Make sure that someone knows when you got into the car and when you got out (if you feel more comfortable remaining on the phone the entire time, that's cool too). Tips like these should help to put you more at ease if ridesharing is what you choose to do.
6. Protect Yourself. AT ALL TIMES.
A lot of people are talking more and more about arming themselves; especially Black women. If that is not something that you desire or are yet prepared to do, there are other ways to protect yourself. Pepper spray. Tactical pens. Stun guns. These are just some of the other things that you can carry while you're out 'n about. Several years ago, I took a self-defense class and it was one of the most self-empowering things that I've ever done. If money is tight and you need to take a free set of courses, click here for info on where to find what you need. If you must go out late at night, try and avoid being alone. Oh, and always carry a flashlight in your purse or get a key chain one. Two things that hate the light are rodents and criminals (which is pretty much interchangeable, if you ask me).
Y'all, we all know that so much more can be said. But it is my hope and prayer that this at least reminded you that none of us are alone in this and that there are things that can be done to fight back. Black sex trafficking is criminal, evil and an ongoing epidemic. But Black love, power and support is unstoppable. Let's not lose sight of our light…in the midst of what so many are trying to keep in the dark.
If you or someone you know is a victim of sex trafficking, contact the National Human Trafficking Hotline at 1-888-373-7888 or visit HumanTraffickingHotline.org.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
The Empowering Way This Rape Survivor Took Back Her Life
We Can't Only Demand & Refute Justice When It Serves To Help Our Men
Being Sexually Assaulted Led Me To Myself
My Partner Knew I Had Been Sexually Assaulted Before I Told Him
Feature image by Shutterstock
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This Couple Almost Let Their 8-Year Age Gap Keep Them From Finding Love With One Another
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
I’m willing to bet that this is not the first time you’ve seen this couple. Dalen Spratt is a television producer, owner of a tailored men's suit line, and creator of Ghost Brothers: Haunted Houseguests, which is currently streaming on Destination America. Stacey Spratt is also a serial entrepreneur, focusing mostly on events and the nonprofit world, and she is the owner of two award-winning craft beer bars called Harlem Hops. But their accolades are not what united them.
The couple met years ago at their alma mater, Clark Atlanta University, when they were still working to create the life they have now, and if you had told them then that they’d eventually tie the knot, the pair probably would’ve laughed in your face.
Today, they’re new parents, flourishing in their careers, and each others’ “teammates.” When desiring love, Dalen recommends not looking to other couples for advice. And Stacey advises staying true to what you want. “Don’t put age or limitations on love and children. If God could do it for me, why can’t he do it for you?”
Here's How We Met.
How did you meet?
Dalen: We met in 2005 when she was advising the Greek sororities and fraternities in college. She was old as hell in college, and I was a young buck (laughs). Everybody had a crush on her, but I didn’t think much of it. Then, in 2007, we were in the same grad school class, but she still wasn’t trying to see me then either. I had to catch her five years ago; I was very patient.
Stacey: Yeah, everybody in our grad school class called him Young, Fresh to Death because he was always dressed in B-school (what CAU affectionately refers to as business major classes), and we’d just wear sweatpants (laughs).
So, I know Dalen was always attracted to you. But what about you? Did your attraction to him develop over time?
Stacey: So 2006-2008 – all the years went by. I don’t think we were really thinking about each other at all back then. Years later, I had an event in Dallas, and I booked him to be a speaker. Then, a few years ago, Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: "If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you." But I still thought he was too young at the time, and he started pulling receipts. Taraji P. Henson was dating someone young at the time, Gabrielle Union–
Dalen: First of all, I didn’t do that. You did that.
Stacey: Okay, I did. I thought he was a cutie pie, but that age thing was on my mind!
"Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: 'If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you.'"
Courtesy
Talk to me about the first date. How did he change your mind?
Stacey: Our first date was at Tin Lizzy's in Atlanta. During that time, he was living in Dallas, so it was long-distance. But he came into town, and we just had a good time. We talked a lot, which we still do. It wasn’t anything fantastic.
Dalen: Don’t downplay our first date.
Then, walk me through your courtship. How did you get to the next level? What was that conversation like?
Stacey: I think he knew at age 43 or 44 I wasn’t playing around. But also, I think it just naturally progressed.
Dalen: Yeah, it just happened naturally. And I’m going to be honest, I don’t think initially either one of us thought it would be as serious as it was. She thought I was too young and I wasn’t ready for marriage, kids, and all that. I think we both thought we were just hanging out. But after spending so much time together, a lot of stuff started happening. Like, she had to have surgery early on. It wasn’t just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That’s why we still don’t have an anniversary date because we never really asked.
"It wasn't just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That's why we still don't have an anniversary date because we never really asked."
What made you want to commit to each other?
Dalen: The moment I knew Stacey was for me was from a phone call. I don’t really like talking on the phone, and I can be really blunt sometimes. But we were talking, and I said, ‘I don’t really feel like talking anymore.’ And she was just like, okay, and hung up. I wasn’t trying to be rude, and she understood that. It sounds bad, but that’s how I knew she just got me. I felt like she could get my random awkward moments, and she does to this day.
Stacey: For me, I liked him as a person. Even when times get rough and tough, I could still like him as a human. He is my best friend. We have time. We laugh until we cry, and it’s just always like that. Even when we get pissed at each other, something happens, and we fix it. Also, how he treats his mother. That’s a momma’s boy, but I’m a daddy’s girl – so I get it. I know how I want to be treated, and I see how he is with her and that’s beautiful.
What are some important lessons you’ve learned about yourself through loving your partner in this relationship?
Dalen: I grew up an only child and she grew up with siblings. So, when you have someone who is used to doing things by themselves, there is definitely a learning curve when you get into a serious relationship. It’s funny now, but it was definitely a process.
Stacey: I agree – definitely the only child thing. There’s times I look at him like, did you ever live with anyone else? That comes from being momma's baby, too. I have to say, my “mother-in-love” spoiled him. But also with Axel (their daughter), that brings another level of patience.
Photo by Paras Griffin/Getty Images
What was the biggest challenge that you had to overcome together?
Dalen: We’ve gone through a lot within the years we’ve been together. We suffered two miscarriages – I’d say that’s the biggest.
Stacey: Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me. I was wondering if I can’t carry [a child] what that looks like for us. We had very real conversations pretty early in our relationship.
"Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me."
What do you fight the most about?
Dalen: Nagging. Stacey nags; she’s a complainer. She’s that momma that will look in a room and just hunt for something to complain about. Like, I’m worried for Axel when she's in high school.
Stacey: It’s because I like things to be in place. He leaves stuff all over the place. I can tell where he’s been in the house because something is left around. So he says I’m nagging – but it’s like, just get your stuff.
What are your love languages?
Dalen: Stacey is gifts all day.
Stacey: *thinks*
Dalen: We’ve talked about this. xoNecole is about to cause problems in our home (laughs).
Stacey: Obviously I love you. *thinks again* It’s words of affirmation.
Dalen: That’s it.
What’s your favorite thing about each other?
Dalen: I’ve always respected her business-mindedness. That may sound superficial, but it’s not because I’ve never been with someone who thinks like me. It’s one of my most treasured things about her. I remember one day, I was just running through ideas with her, and each time Stacey had a suggestion on how I could make it better. It’s just very comforting. She takes whatever I’m doing and elevates it – including me.
Stacey: I love Dalen’s hustle and creativity. He’s been on multiple shows, and he continues to create, produce, and reinvent himself and the product he’s putting out. I love that we can create together and bounce things off each other. Even though we may be in different arenas, there’s nothing he can’t offer me great advice about. I love that drive.
Finally, how did you know it was love?
Dalen: Well – she said it – first. (laughs)
Stacey: And he looked at me and smiled! He didn’t say it back. We were on a trip, out of the country.
Dalen: We were arguing when she said it, and she just threw it out.
Stacey: But we continue to do that. We’ve spent holidays and everything outside of the country.
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Feature image courtesy
It’s semi-consistent that someone will hit me up based on an article I’ve written and will say, “Where did you come up with the idea to tackle that?” Although I do spend a good amount of time hanging out in cyberspace to see what folks are talking about, you’d be amazed how much inspiration comes from my clients, chile. And today’s topic? You already read the title, and yeah, it really is wild how much of an issue this is in a lot of relationships — marriages included.
How in the world folks let something like this get past them before jumping the broom, I will never (EVER) know because even if you and your partner decide to practice abstinence before saying “I do” (yes, some people do still do that), intimacy isn’t just about sex. And so, if you plan on vowing “until death parts us” to another individual, conversations need to get hella extensive, deep, and personal when it comes to what each other’s wants, needs, and expectations are — both inside of the bedroom as well as outside of it. And yes, oral sex applies.
Listen, I tell people often that you are in over-the-top denial if you think that someone is going to sign up for monogamy (the original definition of that is marriage, not dating, by the way; “exclusivity” is a more appropriate word for dating dynamics) and either end up in a sexless marriage (which is sex that transpires 10-15 times a year) or one where their sexual needs end up going unmet (especially on a consistent basis).
So, if cunnilingus is a big deal to you (and sis, I totally get it if that is indeed the case) and he’s either not interested in, umm, “meeting you where you’re at” or even if he’s simply less than enthused about doing so, please don’t just grin and bear it in silence. THAT IS A PROBLEM THAT IS ONLY GOING TO GET BIGGER.
That said, let’s look into how this issue can be addressed…
What’s His Reason?
GiphyRemember how I said that my clients inspire me a lot as far as content goes? Well, I’ll never forget sitting across from a man who was an elder at his church. Chile, he was a real trip because while he had no problem with his wife going down on him (more on that in a sec), he said that there was no biblical stance behind him “returning the favor.” Don’t get me started on how many times church folks act shocked by how much Word I know, and you know what? I am very aware of the fact that sex is mentioned in the Bible quite a bit.
For instance, I Corinthians 7:5 tells married couples not to deprive each other; and that sex needs to happen consistently. The Message Version of I Corinthians 6:16-20 speaks to sex not being designed to be casual. The Song of Solomon? Chile, that book is so graphic (if you know how to read in between the lines). And then there is Proverbs 5:15(NKJV): “Drink water from your own cistern and running water from your own well.”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: a cistern is not only “a reservoir, tank, or container for storing or holding water or other liquid,” it is also “a reservoir or receptacle of some natural fluid of the body.” That second definition? Yes, the vagina would certainly qualify — so thinking that there is some spiritual reason to not engage? I don’t think there is one. Not for married folks.
Still, I’m using this as an example because no one comes up with something like an anti-oral stance without some sort of reasoning behind it. It might be how they were raised. It might be some sort of religious thing. It might be because they had a bad first (second or third) experience. It might be because they are afraid and are too scared to (openly) admit it. It might be because they are simply selfish individuals. Whatever the case may be, if you’ve got a partner who is against cunnilingus, remember that good sex typically includes some levels of emotional intimacy. Don’t just accept what he’s saying — talk to him about it.
Does He Expect Fellatio, Tho?
GiphyMany of us know the position that DJ Khaled was on a few years back; you know, when he said that he expects oral sex from his wife, yet he doesn’t give it. Now, to be fair, there is probably some cultural and religious stuff behind it all, but still: he was talking about being a king, and that is why he should be serviced — and how could we not see a lot of ego in all of that?
Personally — and if it’s TMI, I apologize in advance — I never found myself in the position where oral sex was going down, and reciprocity wasn’t present. I did have one sex partner where it never happened, yet it wasn’t for a lack of him trying or offering (I just didn’t want to for some reason). For me, my sexual history consisted of people who were my friends…which means we knew each other really well…which means we knew each other’s sexual needs and expectations way before anything ever transpired.
However, even if that’s not the case for you, if “head” hasn’t gone down yet, talk all of this out. If it has, and it seems like you’re the only one on the giving end, you need to bring it up. After all, closed mouths don’t get fed — or eaten (I mean…). If he gives you some DJ Khaled rah-rah, that’s gaslighting to the billionth degree because if it’s a religious thing, most religions promote abstinence outside of marriage. If he comes at you on some what I once heard R&B singer Keith Sweat say at a concert here in Nashville, that “real men don’t need to go down on women” because their penis should be enough — that’s nonsense.
For one thing, if you should be fine with just his penis, he should be fine with just your vagina. Secondly, a lot more women climax from cunnilingus than vaginal penetration alone — so, if he’s a pleaser, he’s gonna want to make sure that you get pleased. And if he isn’t one…that means sex is mostly about him, and he sucks (no pun intended) for thinking that way.
And what about you? Should you keep on…pleasuring him in that fashion if he’s not willing to “return the favor?" My vote is “no” because you are rewarding his selfishness, which is something that we’ll get more into in just a moment. That said, I will put on record that since every successful relationship includes levels of compromise, there is something else that you should consider.
Is He Open to “Compromise”?
GiphyCompromise. On so many levels, it is the foundation of pretty much relationships. And how do you compromise when it comes to something like this? Compromise can be how long he’s down there for (because if you’ve ever been with a man who enjoys going down, you know that he can be there for quite a while…and we appreciate it!). Compromise can be bringing sex-related condiments like whipped cream or honey into the dynamic. Compromise can be “counting up to 69” (if you know what I mean) so that he can be receiving pleasure while he’s giving it (which can serve as an absolutely awesome distraction). Compromise can be not expecting it every time sex goes down.
Would I compromise with a man who wasn’t big on cunnilingus? Probably not because that’s how big of a deal it is for me. However, I get that sometimes you can meet a good man, and his not being interested in “being a giver” isn’t exactly a deal-breaker for you. If that is indeed the case, compromise is the middle ground that just might work for you.
Okay, but what if you can’t bend in this department?
Is It a Deal-Breaker for You?
GiphyA few years back, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom.” And although “no oral sex” wasn’t on the list, I don’t think it’s shallow in the least if that is something that you just can’t seem to do without, especially if you’re gearing up for (or are already in) an exclusive type of situation. Again, it can’t be said enough that when you sign up to be someone’s one-and-only, and they do the same thing for you, this means that you are to be looking to them, and them alone, to get certain needs met.
And here’s the irony about deal-breakers: what they basically mean is two people came to the negotiating table and couldn’t find a middle ground. And while, I don’t think that anyone should feel bad about not doing something that they don’t want to do, if your man’s reason for not going down on you is simply, “I don’t want to” and he’s not even open to trying to find some workarounds, you’re probably going to find yourself very unhappy and sexually unfulfilled up the road and that means that there is a huge potential for other problems down the pike too.
It can’t be said enough that a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out after two people have tried to work things out. If the two of you have openly discussed the topic and he’s not willing to try to bend and you’re not willing to give oral sex up — no, it’s not shallow to end the relationship. Dating is about seeing who meets your needs, and it’s more than fair to see oral sex as a bona fide sexual need.
Do You See Signs of Selfishness Elsewhere?
GiphyAre there some people who just don’t like oral sex, no matter what? Of course, there are (check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?”). Hey, I even wrote a while back about some people who aren’t fond of kissing (check out “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?”). Now I will say this: for the very few I know who don’t like to give or receive, they don’t apply when it comes to what I’m about to address that is probably the issue for everyone else who takes a pass on oral sex: selfishness. And since we’re talking about guys who don’t go down, specifically, in this piece — selfish men.
Do you know what I’ve noticed about those types of guys? They tend to be selfish in other areas too because, what they are essentially saying is, that they want you to do what pleases them while not being interested in returning the favor. And that tends to manifest in other reasons. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself the following questions, and then be real with yourself about the answers:
Do you find yourself doing most of the work to keep the relationship going? Are you the bigger giver overall? If you weren’t the one initiating calls, dates, etc. would you even be in a consistent relationship? Does he rarely compromise? Do you keep putting other needs that you have on the back burner? Does he make you feel like other wants that you have aren’t that big of a deal or that you are blowing things out of proportion for not getting them met? Does he try to make you feel guilty for having certain expectations?
A wise person once said that good sex is 10 percent of a relationship while bad sex is 90 percent because the bedroom sets the tone for the rest of the room of the house. That said, if you’ve got a man who won't go down on you (or acts like it’s a chore if he does), it’s clear that your bedroom has some issues. And so, I can’t help but ask: How’s the rest of your “house” doing? If it’s selfish elsewhere, that’s an even bigger red flag.
All You Can Do Is Ask. Discuss. Then Make Your Move. One Way or Another.
Season 1 Doesnt Work Like That GIF by The Roku ChannelGiphyThe reason why I decided to provide some things to think about instead of writing what I think a blanket solution should be is because the reality is that when it comes to stuff like this, no two couples are the same; there are so many nuances to sexual needs that it’s impossible to cover it all in just one article.
What I did want to make sure of is you knew that 1) your sexual needs are legitimate; 2) the way to address getting them met is to not suppress or make assumptions; you need to address them head-on, and 3) if he’s not willing to give you what you need (or want, if you choose to see cunnilingus in that fashion), you’ve got some serious thinking to do. Because, again, going the distance with someone who isn’t meeting a sexual desire that satisfies you can be a setup for all kinds of drama that could be avoided if the two of you aren’t kind enough to each other to say, “You know what? Maybe we’re not as right for each other as we thought.”
Sex is the only thing in a relationship. NOT. AT. ALL. At the same time, I’ve been working with sexually unhappy couples long enough to know that if you don’t take your needs seriously, “snowflakes” have a way of turning into avalanches.
If he won’t go down on you, address it. If he’s not willing to budge, don’t feel bad for making a move… on someone who wouldn’t even dream of this being an issue in the first place.
And sis, there are PLENTY of men out here who are just like that. TRUST.
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