Black Women Professionals Give Us Tips & Tricks For Reducing Anxiety
By show of hands, who here feels like they're slowly going nuts sitting in the house all day, everyday? You? You? I think I see a few hands in the back. I can confidently say that, at least, 80 percent of people I know are just about ready to lose their minds. At this point, we just want to go outside. I found myself looking outside of the window in my boyfriend's apartment for the fourth time today and constructing a fictional narrative for everyone on the block. I may have created a show better than Courtney Kemp's Power in my mind, but boredom strikes creativity. Actually, it's not boredom, it's angst. I'm envious that certain people in the world don't care enough about their own health to stay inside per the orders of the local police, the government and the president of the United States.
For those of us who are trying to take this quarantine thing "day-by-day" and staying our asses indoors, I've got just the thing for you. I spoke with entrepreneurs, mental health professionals and medical experts about combating anxiety and stress during COVID-19.
In a world where we're feeling out of control, what are some ways people can feel more in control?
Step Up Your Self-Care Game:
Kelley Green, International Yoga Instructor & Self-Love Enthusiast
"Journal your thoughts, speak to someone you trust like a therapist or life coach, calm your body's response to stress with breath-work, yoga, or meditation, and/or form new mental shifts that lead to you having a more positive outlook on life, like practicing gratitude."
Sit Close To The Window While You Work:
Yasmine Jameelah, CEO & Founder of Transparent Black Girl
"Studies show that decreased sun exposure has been associated with a drop in serotonin levels, which can lead to depression. When my face hits the sun as I work, it makes me feel like I'm still connected to the world. Also, create a bomb playlist to work to that soothes you - Solange, Amerie, Earth, Wind, & Fire, and Lucky Daye are in heavy rotation for me right now."
Log Off Or Turn Off The Information:
Joi Britt, Podcast Host, The Joi of Social Work
"It is important to be informed but there is something about too much information that can make you anxious or fearful of honestly something we cannot control. When we are thinking about the lack of control that we have, it is also important to remember there are things in life we still can control and that might not have changed as drastically."
Remember You Have Full Control Over Your Internal Space:
Erica James-Strayhorn, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Owner of Erica James Counseling, LLC
"You can remind yourself [that you have full control of your internal space] by reciting affirmations or mantras. This is also a great time to maybe redecorate or re-arrange furniture in your home. Also, maybe letting go of items that no longer serve you."
Focus On Getting Grounded & Centered:
Eliza Boquin, MA, LMFT, Co-Founder of Melanin & Mental Health, LLC
"It's easy to feel overwhelmed and out of control. This is the perfect time to focus on activities centered around regulating what is happening in your body. Start with moving your body--walk, a jog, dance. Moving your body is an excellent way to move emotions out of your body, boost your mood, and regulate your nervous system."
Writing Your Thoughts Down:
Jay Blessed, Podcaster, “IN MY HEAD” & Mental Health Advocate
"I started a #QuarantineWriting group on Instagram where I challenge my friends to 15 minutes of daily writing. Writing can be so cathartic during painful times but the therapeutic qualities of putting your thoughts down on paper or your phone's notepad are beyond valuable. This creative act has pushed me to address my emotions, to call it by name and to let them go."
Talk To Your Spirit/Higher Power:
Brianne Cash, Editor-in-Chief, Sad Girls Club + Sad Moms Club
"My meditations with Spirit have involved deeper, more intense conversation, fluid body movement and energy pulls; I listen with both my heart and ears open. We are all in an incubation period. We are all cocooning and as scary as times may seem right now, Spirit says not to worry-- a new world is on the way."
Continue Your Normal Routine:
Tiffany L. Mayers, MSW, LCSW, Mental Health Advocate & Clinician
"If you routinely work out at the gym, try working out at home or outside, if the weather permits. With anxiety, maintaining a sense of normalcy is very important. Loss of control can be a major trigger so you want to keep with a routine to help with reducing stress."
Stay In Gratitude:
Shevon Jones, MSW, Social Worker & Founder of the Mental Wellness Collective
"Gratitude interrupts anxiety. It allows for you to focus on all that you are grateful for and only that. So often we go through life aimlessly ignoring the things that feed us life and keep us going daily. In times of crisis it is important to focus on what you are grateful for. Each morning pick five things you are grateful for to set the tone for the day. And, every time you feel yourself getting anxious or overwhelmed, think back to what you are grateful for. It is hard to focus on negative thoughts and positive ones at the same time."
Get Organized:
Camryn Triplett, Mental Health Advocate & Communications Manager, Silence The Shame
"With so much uncertainty around us, find comfort in controlling the things around you. Now is the time to reorganize your bathroom, closet, kitchen, etc."
Gain Control Of Your Sex Life:
Tatyannah King, Sex Blogger, Sex Therapist in Training
"For sex, despite social distancing, couples can still focus on more sexting and phone sex. They can text their partner re-describing their favorite sexual experience together or do a creative challenge in which they go back and forth, daring each other to pose a certain way in their nudes without repeating any ideas."
Featured image by Yasmine Jameelah
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This post is in partnership with Ulta Beauty.
Gone are the days where we prioritize “the grind” over our own wellbeing. #Teamnosleep is canceled. Millennial women are prioritizing themselves and their rest above all else, and we love to see it. We’re seeing proof of this powerful shift everywhere we look, but especially in the #softlife hashtag that’s been trending all over social media. The soft life movement is all about pursuing the path of least resistance, choosing ease over struggle, and relaxing in your vulnerability.
xoNecole and Ulta Beauty have identified six beauty influencers who are fully embracing the “soft life.” They’re rejecting the notion that their worth is measured by their professional output, how many followers they have, or how hard they’re hustling. Each of these creative powerhouses has learned to make self-care a non-negotiable in their lives while walking into the fullness of their most authentic selves. There will always be a demand for more content amidst the ever-changing algorithms, but as influencers like Tiffany Renee, Caitlyn Davis, and Alanna Doherty know all too well, you can’t properly show up for others until you fully show up for yourself first.
Read all about how these six beauty influencers are approaching the soft life on their own terms.
Caitlyn Davis
Hometown: Atlanta, GA
Can’t live without products:primer, micellar water, and curl cream
As a full-time content creator and founder of the college clothing label HBCU Yearbook, Caitlyn Davis is no stranger to hard work. She started gaining followers while attending undergrad at FAMU, filming natural hair tutorials for YouTube in her dorm room. From there, she steadily picked up ambassador gigs for popular online fashion and beauty brands. “[They were] paying us around $300 a month,” she remembers. “I thought I was doing something with my money. I was like, ‘What? I'm getting paid to do something that I love?’ It became a snowball effect.”
After linking up with a cousin who had just become a makeup artist, Caitlyn fell in love with the idea of creating beauty content. “Beauty just elevates your personality,” she tells xoNecole. “And because it does that, you just feel better about yourself. And when you do that and show other people and they start learning and getting better at makeup and beauty, their personality and confidence starts to elevate as well.”
Caitlyn admits that maintaining a healthy work-life balance doesn’t come easy for her. She’s a self-proclaimed workaholic who takes pride in her business. “[I’ve learned] the soft life is working hard for what you want but knowing we're deserving of the best life has to offer, including rest.” When life gets overwhelming, she turns to the great outdoors. “I go on hikes,” she says. “There’s something about being in nature, being grounded, hearing birds, the trees moving, and water [flowing] that immediately de-stresses me."
Tiffany Renee
Hometown: Knoxville, TN
Can’t live without products:brow pencil, leave-in conditioner, and vitamin C serum
Tiffany Renee grew up on a farm in Tennessee, where her first introduction to the world of beauty and fashion came via Tyra Banks. The smizing supermodel’s competition series “America’s Next Top Model” drew this southern girl in. “Beauty wasn't really a thing [in the environment I grew up in],” she says. “So I've got to give it to Tyra. A lot of my posing and wearing my makeup a certain way had a lot to do with Tyra and how she coached those models. As I got older and started experimenting more with makeup, I just grew to love it more and more.” Tiffany says she sharpened her makeup skills by learning one thing at a time, starting with winged eyeliner. Next brows, and then lashes. Along the way, she made it a point to develop the techniques that worked for her face rather than copying and pasting from YouTube tutorials.
After moving to Atlanta in 2012, Tiffany began to rack up followers on Instagram with her beauty, hair, and fashion content. She even created an online community called “Curl Gang,” which celebrates the beauty and versatility of natural hair. With all she’s accomplished, Tiffany says she’s most proud of shedding her tough exterior and learning to be vulnerable. “My life has been pretty tough, so that made me a tough woman,” she tells xoNecole. “In my relationships, I've always had this tough persona on the outside, but really, I'm internally very much a soft person.
“For me, taking on the soft life was doing the work to break that mold, and accept that it's okay to be vulnerable,” she continues. “It's okay to be expressive. It's okay to love people. It's not just about the tasks of my life, but more so about my well-being. I’m actively deciding not to hold onto things that make me [have to] be tough.”
For self-care, Tiffany likes to pour herself a nice glass of wine and, if all else fails, throw on a quick beat. “I definitely tap into the motto that if you look good, you feel good.”
Kinya Claiborne
Hometown: Napa, California
Can’t live without products: red lipstick, clip-in extensions, and moisturizer
They say if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life. Kinya Claiborne is living proof. This lifestyle influencer has a professional resume that would make any recruiter salivate. She’s worked in print, television, and radio, and has even overseen public relations for billion-dollar projects. But like all creatives at heart, there came a point in her career where she felt a calling elsewhere. “My job wasn't sexy,” she admits. “I still loved my job and I loved working in corporate America, but there was a void. There were other things that I also loved that my job wasn't fulfilling.”
Inspired by the DailyCandy newsletters she used to read in college, Kinya launched her own lifestyle magazine called Style & Society which covers fashion, beauty, health, wellness, entertainment, travel - all the things Kinya loves. What started as a creative outlet turned into a booming business. Her readers wanted to know more about her, which led her to posting photos of herself inside her stories. “I started Style & Society back in 2013. The term influencer didn't exist back then. Brands started contacting me and wanting me to do product placements and campaigns. That's how my social media following started growing. Then eventually, the term influencer came about, and at that point, I had already been doing it.”
As you can tell from her Instagram, Kinya is always well put together. Her early beauty memories include getting her hair done at the salon with her mom and wearing different lipstick colors to school. Kinya says she’s always been a girly girl. but she’s as resilient as they come. The Northern Californian survived the Route 91 festival shooting in 2017. She also lost her brother to suicide. From her perspective, being soft isn’t just about pampering yourself, but showing up for those around you. “You can't just look at someone and know how they're feeling,” she says. “It’s so important to check in, because even a phone call, text message, or just saying hello to a stranger could really change their path.”
Taylor Winbush
Hometown: Jacksonville, Florida
Can’t live without products:brow pencil, deep conditioner, and moisturizer
For Taylor Winbush, presentation is everything. Embracing that belief has gotten her far. “My mom would always say ‘dress how you want to be treated,’” she says. “She would always dress up to go to the grocery store, making sure her hair was always done, and she was fresh-faced. She taught me that when you look better, you feel better.”
As a dancer and theater performer, Taylor got to hone in on her makeup skills early. “I remember even from a young age, when I used to take ballet classes, they would make you do your makeup way in the back of the mirror to make sure you'd be able to see it [far from the stage].” After moving to Atlanta in 2019 to pursue a career in acting and commercial modeling, Taylor discovered she could book more gigs if she added “content creator” to her resume. As a beauty lover, it came naturally to her, and it’s paid off tenfold.
At the start of the year, Taylor stepped out on faith and decided to work for herself full-time. She acknowledges that it’s a risk, but nothing a little discipline can’t manage. “As long as I'm doing my part, then I truly and firmly believe that God will handle the rest.”
Aside from constantly developing her self-discipline, Taylor says she’s embracing the soft life by taking care of her physical and spiritual temple. “I'm a super giving person, so I would give a lot of my time to friends and family, making sure everyone else is taken care of before me,” she says. “There's a saying that if you help someone build their sandcastle first, then what will you have left to build? I’m learning you have to take care of yourself first in order for you to help someone else.”
Thamarr Guerrier
Hometown: Jacksonville, FL
Can’t live without products:liquid eyeliner, SPF spray, and satin bonnet
Fashion and beauty haven’t always been a welcoming world for curvy women, but that hasn’t stopped influencer Thamarr Guerrier from accepting her rightful seat at the table. This bubbly and effervescent content creator started her lifestyle blog, Musings of a Curvy Lady, back in 2012 on her lunch break working as a nurse. “I started [my blog] as a way to promote personal style and beauty in this body of mine,” Thamarr shared on her site. “Visibility matters and you’re going to see me. I’m going to take up all the space and bring my own chair to the table.”
Thamarr’s beauty memories stem all the way back to childhood. “I was obsessed with watching my mother do her hair and makeup in the mirror,” she says. “I played dress-up in her clothes and would sneak and put on her mascara. I just couldn’t wait to be old enough to wear lipstick.”
If you peep her IG feed, you’ll notice Thamarr documents her globetrotting in head-turning looks that will make you want to book a one-way ticket to your nearest island. But it’s actually not her extravagant travel experiences that bring her the most peace. It’s the little things, like sipping a glass of wine during her skincare routine as Kacey Musgraves plays in the background. “After a shower, I always feel a little better, especially after a crummy day,” she tells xoNecole. “It’s also my favorite place to shed a tear or two. After my literal and sometimes emotional cleanse, I feel renewed. I talk positively to myself as I pamper myself with my favorite products. Taking the time and being purposeful as I go.”
Thamarr’s interpretation of “the soft life” is to live and love in a way that makes her inner being the happiest. “If it brings me peace, it’s the soft life for me.”
Alanna Doherty
Hometown: Bridgetown, Barbados
Can’t live without products:mascara, leave-in conditioner, and SPF
It’s hard not to feel a spark of joy when you browse through Alanna Doherty’s IG page. It’s chock-full of Alanna dressed to the nines in bright psychedelic patterns. Her lush ‘fro bounces back and forth in all its glory as Alanna jams to her favorite tunes. Alanna is happiness personified, but her initial introduction to beauty was quite the opposite. “I started loving makeup and beauty products because I felt they were necessary in order to cover up my insecurities,” she tells xoNecole. “I’m finally starting to truly fall in love with them this year. I no longer need a full face of makeup to make me feel good. I’m perfectly happy going without any at all now, but love that I have the option to play with makeup. It’s more of a creative process now and I LOVE that!”
Alanna’s bold and colorful aesthetic is brave and inspiring. And when it comes to the soft life, she’s honest enough to admit that she’s figuring it out along the way. “For years I’ve been putting my own self-care behind work and I’m now starting to realize its importance in my life,” she says. “I’ve still got a long way to go but ‘the soft life’ to me would be creating the space to focus on myself and taking the time to enjoy it. I see long walks along the beach, spas, more hot yoga, and relaxing on the balcony.”
Featured image courtesy of Tiffany Renee
Have you ever kept returning to a relationship you knew wasn’t good for you? Although you experience brief highs, the relationship continuously spirals out of control. Unfortunately, you’re in a toxic relationship. And despite how media nowadays glorifies unhealthy attachments, you’re only traveling down a path of destruction.
Very Well Mind describes a toxic relationship as making you feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked.
And continuously returning to a toxic relationship is like sipping a slow poison that taints every aspect of one's being. Like the insidious pull of drug or alcohol addictions, these relationships wield a baffling power. Many stand on the sidelines, wondering why women don't just "walk away." The truth is the grip of a toxic relationship is often tight, anchored in deep emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical ties.
“I think that we have to understand societally that, number one, we tend to thrive in the idea of the toxic relationship just in general,” said Dr. Donna Oriowo, LICSW, M. ED, CST.
Dr. Donna Oriowo
Photo courtesy of Dr. Donna Oriowo
“We don't exactly revere, support, or uplift people who have a good relationship with themselves. And we often think of relationships as being proprietary, so someone that you would own or someone who would own your body and soul,” she added.
Dr. Oriowo is a sex and relationship therapist in the Washington DC metro area and the owner of AnnodRight. She primarily works with African-American women on issues related to sexuality, relationships, self-esteem, colorism, and texturism. Dr. Oriowo sat down with xoNecole to help us understand the addiction to a toxic relationship and person and the reasons behind it.
Are You Addicted to the Person or Relationship, or Both?
According to Banyan Mental Health, people can experience an addiction to another person. Their presence becomes a powerful draw, an overwhelming attraction that dominates your thoughts and actions. It's a tumultuous mix of emotions, where peaks of joy are intertwined with the pain they deliver. The same individual causing the pain transforms into the source of relief, a distorted dependency masquerading as comfort.
“A person can fall into a pattern of familiarity and seek out the type of relationships that would give them that same level of familiarity, something that you're used to, not necessarily that you're addicted to but something that you know,” Dr. Oriowo shared.
Breaking free feels daunting, like severing an invisible thread that tethers you to an emotional rollercoaster, especially if a couple is in the honeymoon phase.
The honeymoon phase of a toxic relationship can be deceivingly enchanting. At the outset, everything seems picture-perfect: intense affection, deep conversations, and overwhelming attention paint a facade of ideal love. This period often masks the lurking issues, as the involved individuals are deeply engrossed in the intoxicating whirlwind of passion. However, beneath this rosy surface lies a foundation not of trust and mutual respect but of manipulation and control, which soon surfaces once the initial euphoria fades.
“The honeymoon phase feels so great and so good, and then you feel so connected and so loved and so seen that everything else feels like a hiccup,” she explained.
Dr. Oriowo continued, “A hiccup that is avoided if you do something different or if they do something different or if you try something different so you may want to try different things but the tension building and thus the explosions. They often are not lessening as they're often getting worse. But that means we tend to cling to the parts we like.”
Delmaine Donson/ Getty Images
Thriving in the Chaos of a Toxic Relationship
The chaos of a toxic relationship exerts a compelling allure for some. This attraction is not about a love for dysfunction; rather, it's deeply intertwined with the dynamics of addiction.
For instance, some individuals cling to the sporadic positive moments. Amid the pervasive conflict and hurt, these rare episodes of affection or reconciliation act as a powerful anchor. The pursuit of these fleeting instances of happiness often justifies enduring extended periods of pain.
In a toxic relationship, sexual intimacy can often play a significant role in keeping individuals tethered. The incredibly intense or fulfilling physical connection can be misconstrued as a sign of genuine affection or deep emotional bonding. In the context of behavioral psychology, such intimate moments can indeed be considered "intermittent rewards." The individual may then endure prolonged periods of distress, holding onto the hope for the next rewarding intimate moment, mistaking it as a sign that the relationship is salvageable or improving. This cyclical pattern of highs and lows can make breaking free from a toxic relationship even more challenging.
“When we're having sex with someone else, certain chemicals are released in the brain that help us to feel intimate and close with that person. So, it can make you feel like all the world is good,” Dr. Oriowo revealed. “Emily Nagurski’s book ‘Come As You Are’ also talks about how people talk about how great the sex is. When there is a level of emotional disconnect or uncertainty, the sex can feel like a connecting factor, so the sex feels even like it is the best sex ever. And it is enough to keep you there and keep you going [forward] and keep you staying there even though the relationship in and of itself is actually not that great and certainly not good for you.”
Another instance that keeps a woman in a toxic relationship is self-esteem. A woman's self-esteem profoundly influences her choice of partners and the dynamics she may unconsciously gravitate towards. When a woman views herself through a lens of doubt or inadequacy, she may find herself drawn to partners who echo or amplify these sentiments, thinking that's what she "deserves."
“Self-esteem greatly impacts partner choice, and I am writing a book about this. Our self-esteem is informed by what we know about ourselves; thus, how we feel about what we know, right? When you know yourself and like yourself, you are more likely to seek out people who want to be in a relationship with you, which also mimics how you are in a relationship with yourself. You're looking for people to be in concert with you, not people who will be in opposition to you,” Dr. Oriowo said.
“Women with higher self-esteem are less likely to choose partners they do not want. They're more likely to speak up for themselves. They're more likely to exit relationships that feel like they don't meet their desires, their wants, their needs,” she added.
Dr. Oriowo also noted that “self-esteem is on a spectrum.”
“It’s not you have it, or you don't. You may level up how you feel about yourself, that the current relationships you hold are no longer feeding you in the way that you need for it to feel like a reciprocal relationship,” she added.
Over time, this tolerance for harmful behavior can entrench her further in detrimental relationship patterns, making it challenging to recognize or seek healthier dynamics.
fizkes/ Getty Images
The Fear of Being Alone
The fear of being single is a powerful force that can bind a woman to a toxic relationship. In a society that often equates partnership with success, validation, or completeness, the idea of solitude can seem daunting. This fear and societal pressure might push a woman to cling to a harmful relationship, choosing the familiarity of toxicity over the uncertainty of being alone.
“Many women often are in communities where it is so-called better to be in any relationship than be single. And so, the tolerance level for toxicity in relationships is greatly increased. Just because we are thinking about it may be perfectly sanguine and acceptable to be in a toxic relationship,” she stated.
“But I would also like to note that it seems that we are turning a corner where more women are perfectly sanguine, especially Black women, who seem to be leading the charge in this. They're perfectly sanguine and happy to remain single. If it means that they will not be in a subpar relationship,” Dr. Oriowo explained.
In understanding the intricate web of addiction to toxic relationships, Dr. Oriowo unraveled layers of emotional complexity, deeply rooted fears, and societal pressures. Though marred with dysfunction, these relationships mirror our vulnerabilities and the lengths an individual might go to seek validation or avoid pain. Recognizing the patterns can be the first step toward seeking healthier connections, breaking the addictive cycle, and finding genuine stability.
As you navigate our relational world, it's essential to prioritize emotional well-being, self-worth, and genuine connection over-familiar yet damaging cycles. Only then can someone break free and pave the way for healthier, fulfilling relationships they deserve.
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Feature image by Moodboard/ Getty Images