Since 2000, Black buying power has increased a whopping 114 percent. According to Business of Fashion, we brandish $1.3 trillion in annual spending power. It's also no secret that Black women move culture like no other, making us one of the largest assets to the U.S. economy. However, for some odd but obvious reason, society tends to question Black women when they level up and revel in luxury.
Unconscious bias creeps in as we scroll through social media and it automatically fills in the blanks as we question why influencers have luxury items. No one gets it worse than Black women. Black girls and women deserve better. And now more than ever, Black women are taking up all the space luxuriously. Despite all that we face, we still showcase our magic for the world to see because being a Black woman is pure power.
A wise woman once said, "Behind every successful woman is a fabulous handbag!" Ahead, find some of our favorite style heavy-hitters sharing their favorite luxury bag, how it makes them feel, and why Black women deserve luxury.
Beverly Beal, @lifeinbeverlyheels
Photo Courtesy of Beverly Beal
Title: Attorney/Entrepreneur
Location: Atlanta, GA
Beverly's Favorite Luxury Bag: Hermès Birkin
"My mother purchased it for my 31st birthday. I'll never forget how proud she was of me. I feel unstoppable when I wear it. It fuels my day doesn't matter what I'm doing. I'm grateful for what I've accomplished and fearless of pursuing future accomplishments. Black women make the world go round, luxury is the least of what we deserve."
Monica O. Awe-Etuk, @awedbymoni
Photo Courtesy of Monica O. Awe-Etuk
Title: Fashion and Lifestyle Blogger/Content Creator
Location: Atlanta, GA
Monica's Favorite Luxury Bag: Bvlgari X Mary Katrantzou Top-handle bag
"Before I purchase a bag, I have to be moved by it. This particular bag did just that. It puts a smile on my face every time as the color is vibrant and bright. I also love the versatility of the bag and the fact that I can wear it as a top handle or a crossbody with its serpentine top handle and gold link long strap."
Claire Sulmers, @clairesulmers
Photo Courtesy of Claire Sulmers
Title: CEO and Founder of Fashion Bomb Daily
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Claire's Favorite Luxury Bag: Black Hermes Birkin Bag 35 with rose gold hardware
"I purchased my bag to commemorate a milestone in my life and a turning point in my career. It's classic, fabulous, and serves as a reminder that anything is possible with faith and hard work. Luxury items are visible symbols of success--they're a cue to the world that you're accomplished and also have good taste.
"Luxury makes me feel confident, sophisticated, and successful. Every woman and every bBack woman deserves to feel that way."
Derria Underwood, @dlolo
Photo Courtesy of Derria Underwood
Title: Stylist and Content Creator
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Derria's Favorite Luxury Bag: Louis Vuitton Palm Springs Mini
"It's tiny but packs a lot of punch. I can fit just about everything in it. It is also easy to travel with and perfect with every fit. Black women deserve luxury because it's our birthright. Generations before us struggled. All the hard work and perseverance is literally just a fraction of why we deserve luxury."
Chinyere Adogu, @the_real_chi
Photo Courtesy of Chinyere Adogu
Title: Content Creator/Style Influencer
Location: New York, NY
Chi's Favorite Luxury Bag: Pink YSL Sac De Jour handbag
"It is one of my favorite handbags. Pink is my favorite color and I love the size and shape of the bag. It's classy, chic, and perfect for traveling. It gives all my outfits a polished finished look. This bag was one of my first luxury bag purchases of color and it's a beautiful reminder of my achievements and how far I've come in my career and in my choice of style. I believe Black women deserve luxury because for a long time luxury and Black women were rarely in the same sentence. Society has told the Black woman to be OK with the bare minimum and I'm happy to see more and more Black women embracing luxury, embodying luxury and inspiring luxury!"
Jenee Naylor, @Highlowluxxe
Photo Courtesy of Jenee Naylor
Title: Content Creator (Blogger, YouTuber, Influencer)
Location: Virginia Beach, VA
Jenee's Favorite Luxury Bag: Chanel 19 Large
"It has recently become a classic for Chanel and it's the perfect mix of edgy and elegant which really speaks to my personal style. It's a no-fuss bag, easy to carry and maintain but still feels really unique. I prefer the non-leather options, I think they show less wear and tear and feel a little more special. Accessories are truly the icing on the cake for me, so when I'm choosing a bag to complete an outfit I truly enjoy it. It's the styling and creativity that bring me joy and handbags allow me to flex my creative muscle and bring my ideas to life!"
"I think it's important for Black women to know that they can have whatever their hearts desire, I never imagined I would be where I am currently in life but seeing other women achieve a certain level of success and enjoy the fruits of their labor showed me what was possible and that it was OK to want nice things. Black women have been put in a box for so long that when we try to enjoy nice things we are questioned and second-guessed on whether we can afford it if we deserve it, or who bought it. We deserve luxury and a whole lot more and I will keep sharing my journey for the women who need to know it's possible."
Lanatria Ellis, @caribbean_cowgirl
Photo Courtesy of Lanatria Ellis
Title: Influencer, creative director, stylist, entrepreneur
Location: North Carolina
Lanatria's Favorite Luxury Bag: Nichol Lynel NL Lunchbox
"Not only is it fabulous, feminine, but also Black-owned.The attention to detail and quality is amazing! My NL Bag brings me joys because it's so structured, yet detailed, luxe and so ladylike…it's me if I were a purse. Black women deserve luxury because society has made us feel for years we don't deserve and we do the most! We deserve to be pampered, to be considered, celebrated, and wrapped in all the expensive fabrics. I'm just making my ancestors proud with my luxe lifestyle!"
To get your fashion fix and to stay up to date with the latest trends, check out the xoNecole Style section here.
Featured image courtesy of Lanatria Ellis
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Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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Featured image by Giphy