Four Black Social Activists Share What Juneteenth Means To Them
Juneteenth aka Freedom Day aka Emancipation Day aka June 19, 1865, commemorates the actual end of slavery. Contrary to popular belief, July 4, 1776, was not inclusive of all people per America's modus operandi; the 4th of July only represents the day that white male Americans became free. Thanks to social activists and the movement that is Black culture, Juneteenth's history, meaning, and importance have become more prevalent over the past few years.
It wasn't until very recently that I learned that the Statue of Liberty doesn't only represent the strength and resilience of immigrants but was initially created to celebrate the emancipation of slaves. The more I learn about Juneteenth the more I feel an immense duty to celebrate my blackness every day but even more on June 19th. We owe it to General Granger, the Union soldiers, and our ancestors to celebrate the culture and achievements of Black folks because we deserve that. We deserve celebration.
As we continue to live out loud, we thought it was important to share the stories of the women who show up for the culture and fight for freedom from all chains every day. Keep reading for what that looks like for these social justice mavens.
Meagan Ward, Women's Entrepreneurial Activist
Courtesy of Meagan Ward
Share the story of how you learned about Juneteenth.
Now that I look back on growing up in the midwest with a household of four generations, our daily life defined how we had overcome so many racial injustices and impacts of slavery. My grandfather migrated to Detroit, Michigan for a job in the factory shortly after becoming an entrepreneur and buying a home in a prestigious Detroit neighborhood where blacks weren't welcome at one point and time. My grandmother worked a good job at the hospital and my mom was the first to go to college in our family. They worked hard and we lived well, with almost every holiday being a really big occasion showcasing our gratitude and how far our family had come with my grandfather sharing stories of how he remembers his grandparents who picked cotton — Juneteenth was an empowering day filled with family traditions in the backyard.
What does Juneteenth mean to you?
When [talking about] slavery, I like to make a conscious effort to look at it with a multi-lens approach rather than just the 400 years America dates it to. Juneteenth is an opportunity to learn, share and express the knowledge and truth of who black people were before slavery, what we went through as slaves, and how we are moving toward the future.
How do you define freedom?
Freedom is the ability to think, do and be with no limits or restraints whether that be physical, mental or emotional. While freedom for my ancestors meant not being a slave and having full citizenship rights, in today's time my generation is facing the challenges of breaking free from a learned limiting mindset to a life of unlimited possibility and purpose.
How are you celebrating Juneteenth this year?
My life's work holds the commitment of being even more intentional about my servant leadership dedicating philanthropic time and efforts to racial disparities of black Americans. Later this year, a national non-profit that I co-founded with an amazing group of leaders will be launching that positively impact black Americans who have been impacted by slavery. Having a direct hand in the impact of racial disparities of wealth that still impacts community, families, and individuals is something that should not be swept under the rug, but confronted in the most honest and transformational way. We are coming to change generations.
Lutze Segu, Ph.D. Student, Writer, and Anti-racist Feminist Consultant/Coach
Courtesy of Lutze Segu
Share the story of how you learned about Juneteenth.
I feel like the story of Juneteenth is a story that has always lived with me and has been part of the fabric of my life that has informed my Blackness. I cannot pinpoint when exactly I learned about it. I remember feeling literal jubilee when learning that my people wasted no time once they learned they were free exiting those plantations and casting off the label of chattel.
What does Juneteenth mean to you?
Juneteenth is about ancestral veneration and commemorating the bold act of love that our ancestors exercised in choosing to live and survive under the most horrific circumstances. Juneteenth also reminds me that you truly cannot stop freedom from coming. You cannot stop the freedom train because it is always on time.
How do you define freedom?
Angela Davis teaches us that "freedom is a constant struggle." Which means we must always struggle to keep it, take it, and define it for ourselves. Freedom to me is Black people being free from premature death engineered by racism, Black people being able to love themselves and embody their gender and sexuality as they define them and freedom to access their bodily sovereignty without the fear of state violence or interference. Black people being free to access the full range of their emotions, rest, and joy while having all of their basic needs met and not feeling like they must be excellent to matter. This freedom cannot happen unless our indigenous kin gets their lands back and figure out how to stop this climate disaster.
How are you celebrating Juneteenth this year?
I will journal, tend to my altar, meditate on freedom, and share the love with the Black people in my life.
"Juneteenth is a time for all Black people situated in these United States never to forget that we are miracles. We were not meant to survive, and yet here we are. We must not ever forget that no Black person is free until we are all free."
Juneteenth being in Pride Month is also an invitation for all Black people to never forget about our queer, transgender, and non-binary kin whose freedom is also bound up with our collective Black freedom. There were queer folks on the plantation and those slave ships. It's all of us or none of us.
Dr. Valin S. Jordan, Founder of Yoga4SocialJustice®
Courtesy of Dr. Valin S. Jordan
Share the story of how you learned about Juneteenth.
I grew up in New York City, when I was about six or seven, I went to the Juneteenth festival in Harlem with my grandparents. That's when I first learned about Juneteenth. I initially learned about it as a celebration of life. As the years progressed, I was introduced to more of the history and I was able to engage in thoughtful conversations with the elders of my family. My grandparents are "Old World" Harlem, they spent a lot of time when I was a child and even now in their 91 years of living, teaching me and younger members of my family who we are and where we come from.
What does Juneteenth mean to you?
Juneteenth is a reminder that I do not exist alone and I am a reflection of every single one of my ancestors. I like to think of myself as an embodied figure of ghosts. Juneteenth reminds me that I am rooted in their struggles and their joys on a day-to-day basis.
How do you define freedom?
Freedom is waking up every morning and thanking the spirits who cradled me as I slept and who will have my back all day as I fulfill their wildest dreams. Freedom is curiosity; it's the space to be curious about me and this world. Freedom is detangling myself from the racist, sexist, capitalist, and colonized structures of our society that attempt to grip me and hold me down. Freedom is liberation and liberation is an internal experience that cannot be taken away.
How are you celebrating Juneteenth this year?
This probably isn't the most exciting response, but I will celebrate as I celebrate my life every day, by giving thanks to those who came before me and showing myself the utmost respect and care by choosing to rest because I and they deserve it.
Dajai Monae, Social Activist
Courtesy of Dajai Monae
Share the story of how you learned about Juneteenth.
Growing up, I never knew the importance of Juneteenth. I just knew my family and community would celebrate by coming together to barbecue, gather and talk. That was the norm for many years until I was old enough to research on my own. What I thought I knew, just a generic version of the truth, became much greater and important to me. The day enslaved African-Americans learned they were free in the south. This meant free from bondage, free from abuse, free from "ownership". This was also a turn for African-Americans as this moment emphasized achievements and education.
What does Juneteenth mean to you?
Juneteenth inspires me to keep educating my community about the modern-day liberations we deserve as a community. Never forget how far we've come as a community and how far we need to go as a community. Juneteenth is more than barbecuing and gathering, although we deserve it plus more, but it also means celebrating the sacrifices our ancestors took for us to get here.
How do you define freedom?
Some people believe because we're "free" we have "freedom". Freedom for me looks like reparations for my community. Equal opportunity for my community. An equal justice system for my community. Free from the mental chains placed on our black men and boys as they step foot out their doors. Physically free from the harsh sentencing placed on our minority community for small defenses. Freedom comes in many forms, because we are free from the chains does not mean we are truly free in this country.
How are you celebrating Juneteenth this year?
This year is different for me in terms of celebrating because of the pandemic. I usually participate in marches, rallies, and conferences. This year I will educate my community virtually by going live via social media and spreading knowledge to others. Also, go grab some of that barbecue my family loves to make.
Last year and this year there was a spark within grassroots leaders and fighters. It amazed me to see how much attention was brought to an ongoing fight within our community. As a community, let's keep this fight going on and off the streets and remember we have children looking up to us. We must pave the way for them as our ancestors did for us.
Featured image courtesy of Meagan Ward
Joce Blake is a womanist who loves fashion, Beyonce and Hot Cheetos. The sophistiratchet enthusiast is based in Brooklyn, NY but has southern belle roots as she was born and raised in Memphis, TN. Keep up with her on Instagram @joce_blake and on Twitter @SaraJessicaBee.
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Me? I will be the first person to say, at least once a day, that I don’t live by the motto “follow your heart.” For one thing, Scripture advises that we do the exact opposite (Jeremiah 17:9-10). Secondly, I’ve shared before that one definition of heart is “the center of our emotions.” Anyone who thinks that it’s wise to always and/or automatically follow their feelings? Lawd, they are in for a pretty shaky life ride. Why? Because feelings change, so if you’re relying on them to show you the way…bless your (pardon the pun) heart.
That’s not to say that our emotions don’t play a very valid role in, well, almost everything; it’s just that they need to be balanced out with truth, facts, logic, common sense, timing, and some level of mental and emotional stability. When this happens, you’re in the “sweet spot” of being able to take your feelings more seriously and literally — because you’re able to see them more like the thermometer in your home (something that monitors your environment) rather than your house’s entire foundation (something to solely base everything on).
And boy, does keeping all of this in mind come in mighty handy when you’re in a relationship that looks like it’s headed towards somebody’s altar, backyard, or courthouse, and yet — something just doesn’t “feel” quite right. Yes, you love him. You know that he loves you too. Still, there are some not-so-ecstatic, yes, feelings that you have about actually marrying him that you’re not exactly able to shake.
If this is you, I’m going to share eight different scenarios with you where the sweet spot that I just talked about comes into play — and if it does, the last thing that you need to do is say “yes” to an engagement. Instead, pump the brakes a bit until you can get to the root of why, again, something doesn’t feel…quite…right.
1. FEELING LIKE You’re Convincing Yourself
GiphySeveral years ago, I wrote an article, in part, about the last boyfriend that I will ever have in this lifetime (check out “Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again”). As I oftentimes say, “I’m too old for a ‘boy’ anything,” plus, it really is time out for acting married before I actually am (that’s why many people don’t respect marriage once they actually are a husband or a wife; they’ve been doing pseudo “test runs” for years now). Then there’s the fact that I basically wasted six years of my life because I literally convinced myself to be with him. He didn’t deserve that. I didn’t either. Unfortunately, many people roll in their relationships this exact same way.
Why? Well, I’ll speak for my own situation. For the most part, he was a really good person. Still, I wasn’t attracted to him, he had a mountain of issues to work through, and I didn’t really feel anything profound for him beyond friendship (we were very close friends first). Plus, there were members of his family who were controlling and messy. Yet because he was smart, funny, and so interested in me, I convinced myself that I should give it a shot. *le sigh*
Personally, I’m not a fan of writer Maureen Dowd, although there is something she once said that fits this particular point exquisitely: “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” Right now, I’m working with a married couple who are basically on life support, and it’s because, when the wife was dating her now-husband, she was so into how much he was into her that she — yep, you guessed it — convinced herself that her love for him would grow. And although she deeply cares for him, over a decade later, she can’t stop wondering what she’s missing out on anymore, and she’s basically ready to leave. *le sigh again*
Convincing yourself to do something is basically talking yourself into it. And when it comes to something as serious as marriage, you shouldn’t have to push yourself into it. Sure, you need to do some bona fide contemplating, yet if you’re out here on some, “I mean, I could grow to love him more” or “Maybe I’m being ‘extra’ about the issues that concern me” — you shouldn’t ignore those thoughts. See a reputable marriage counselor or life coach to talk it through. Marriage is gonna already test you enough with someone you’re all in with — let alone someone you had to damn near persuade yourself to say “I do” to.
2. FEELING LIKE “Orange Flags” Are Oftentimes Red Ones
GiphyKind of on the heels of what I was just talking about, there is someone I know who said that a regret that they had when it came to marrying their second husband is, while they didn’t seem to see any immediate red flags (although I’ll be honest, once I heard the entire story, I saw TONS of ‘em, including the fact that they left their first husband and married the second man within the same year), something that felt more unsettling than comforting was when they claimed to have told their fiancé the week of the wedding that they were unsure and he said, “I have enough love for the both of us.”
Listen, a man doesn’t have enough love to compensate for the lack of love you may have for him, and you don’t have enough love to compensate for the lack of love that he might have for you, either. Although, on the surface, that might sound like a beautiful sentiment to put into a blank greeting card, it’s actually dysfunctional as all get out. In fact, it’s part of the reason why I definitely rock with the saying, “You will never be good enough for a man who isn’t ready.” (Someone really needed to hear that right now.) No one can be responsible for how someone else feels; that is an inside job. So yeah, hearing something that sounds beautiful, yet you know, deep down, you don’t feel the same way? Although that might not be a red flag, it is definitely a yellow one…quite possibly even an orange one.
Another example: no one in your world is thrilled about either him or the two of you being together. Y’all, I have a friend right now who is going through this. While word is spreading that she and her husband are separated and heading towards divorce, she keeps hearing responses like, “I never really liked him anyway” and/or “We only tolerated him out of respect for you.” She wasn’t tricked. Some “Girl, you might want to slow down” conversations were had with her before their wedding. She says that she moved forward with the nuptials, in spite of, because she didn’t think the potential issues were serious enough to turn into huge problems. Boy, was she wrong. BIG TIME.
No relationship is perfect; that’s because no two people are without flaws. At the same time, marriage is too much of a life investment to see yellow or orange flags and not at least do some real pondering about why they exist. Yeah, red flags are blatant; don’t ignore them. Orange and yellow flags are “iffy;” don’t ignore them either.
3. FEELING LIKE Family Issues Are Quite Valid
GiphyDefinitely, one of the most ridiculous things that someone can think before going into a marriage is, “I’m not marrying your family. I’m marrying you.” Whew, chile. First of all, that depends on the kind of boundaries that your partner has with their relatives, and, unfortunately, many individuals have extremely poor ones. Secondly, some people are way into their families, which means they may not mind folks calling all of the time, popping up unannounced, or them knowing all of y’all’s personal business. Oh, and don’t get me started on the people who have totally dysfunctional relationships with their family members.
Case in point. I know a wife right now who is about to file for divorce, and a big part of the reason is her mother-in-law. Words cannot express how unhealthy her husband’s attachment to his mother is — let’s just say that the one who is actually his “queen” ain’t his wife. Even though his mother is still fairly young (certainly old enough to work), she has never held down a job their entire marriage (of over 12 years), he has bought her a large house and luxury car, and he doesn’t give his mom consequences for when she says slick ish about his wife. Here's the thing, though — his wife wasn’t blindsided by any of this. His mom was living with him while she dated him, and he was constantly justifying the complete and utter dysfunction during that time.
Another example is a wife I know whose husband’s family was not a fan of hers, really from day one. Although her marriage has gone the distance, she spends a lot of time emotionally drained because they are constantly coming up with manipulative tactics to get her to do what they want or gaslighting ways to pressure their son into seeing things their way, even if it’s over his wife’s better judgment. Yeah, don’t even get me started on how you really need to look into your potential spouse’s childhood stuff before marrying them because if they have some wounded or codependent areas that require personal therapy — it’s probably best that they go through some before you decide to marry them too.
Family boundaries within a marriage deserve their own article. I’ll just say that the Good Book was wise and brilliant to advise that husbands and wives should leave the family they were born into and cleave to their spouse (Genesis 2:24-25) if they want to keep the DNA drama down to a minimum in their marital union. That said, if who you’re with is already struggling with this concept…don’t ignore that quiet voice that tells you that you are about to take on more than you might be able to handle if you don’t clearly address those issues beforehand. Many people have divorced due to family drama alone. Trust me.
4. FEELING LIKE You Shouldn't Wait to Work Complex Stuff Out Later On
GiphySome stuff, you’re not gonna (fully) find out to figure out until after marriage; that’s just how life is. Oh, but you are doing yourself a super disservice of monumental proportions if you are aware of the fact that there are some complexities that you and your partner have going on while thinking that you should wait until after the honeymoon to figure out what to do about them. Real soon, I’ll be writing an article about how love is grand yet, it’s not enough, on its own, to go the distance.
Indeed, there are certain things that either you and your partner need to be on the same page about — or that you both are fully willing to compromise on and accept that it’s gonna be…what it’s going to be.
Things like what?
- Family dynamics (especially if there is some serious dysfunction going on)
- Religion/faith
- Whether or not you BOTH want children and how you want to raise them, if so
- Household chores
- Conflict resolution
- Purpose-related and professional aspirations
- Relational expectations
- Boundaries with family and friends
- Gender roles
- Sexual wants and needs
- Social media practices
- Views on finances
- Thoughts on prenups and postnups
- Marital deal-breakers
- Feelings about separation and divorce
And really, these 15 things are merely the tip of the iceberg! The main thing to keep in mind here is if you think that figuring out how to do life with someone as smoothly as possible, in a variety of different areas, can be put on the back burner because love will keep it all together — I’ve got at least 20 clients who will scream at you to go on a rom-com fast so that you can learn how to better live in reality.
Love can make you want to work through complexities with another person. Love does not absolve the issues, though. They MUST be addressed — as candidly and thoroughly as possible.
5. FEELING LIKE Sexual Incompatibility Is a Very Real Issue
GiphyOne day, soon, I’m going to also pen a piece about the whole “you need to test the car before you drive it” mindset when it comes to having sex before marriage. A part of the reason why I roll my eyes whenever I hear that is because I have been working with couples for well over 17 years at this point and — call it a random coincidence if you want to, but — by far, the couples who’ve had the most issues are the ones who had sex before saying “I do” NOT the ones who waited.
I personally think a big part of that is because, when you remove the haze — and deflection and sometimes deception, especially if it’s good — of sex, you can look at things from a more practical and realistic perspective. In other words, you’re not committing to someone based on how they make you feel; instead, it’s about who they truly are at their core. Also, going without sex can help you to improve your communication skills because, instead of relying on make-up sex to seemingly fix things, you can get to the root of matters, for real, for real. (Speaking of communication, the reason why I penned articles for the site like “7 Questions You Should Ask A Man Before Giving Him Some” is because, quite frankly, there is a lot of stuff that you can — and should — discuss with someone, even about sex, BEFORE actually having it.)
With all of that out of the way, if you have talked certain things over and what they expect is very different from what you do (for instance, I know a couple who had sex about 3-4 times a week while dating, and the husband thought that even that was a compromise yet, after marriage, the wife barely wanted to even a couple of times a month…girl, what?) or you’re already sexually involved and there seems to be some sort of “disconnect” (whether it’s physically, emotionally or otherwise) that you just can’t seem to put your finger on or you’re out here faking orgasms, fantasizing about other people or feeling like something is missing — PLEASE DO NOT WRITE THESE FEELINGS OFF.
Contrary to how a lot of our culture presents it, marriage is actually designed to last for a really long time…and it can feel especially grueling, if not flat-out torturous, to be with someone whom you are basically sexually incompatible with.
By the way, whoever tries to tell you otherwise? Absolutely DO NOT listen to them. If a part of your marital plans includes monogamy and long-term sexual fidelity, sexual compatibility is essential. Full stop.
6. FEELING LIKE Financial Concerns Are Potentially Problematic
GiphyI have a few friends who also work with couples, and something that we all agree is pretty baffling is when an engaged couple is in premarital counseling (more on that in just a sec) and one or both of them get triggered when the topic of presenting their credit score and financial history comes up. Umm, did you think that your partner wasn’t going to find out eventually anyway — or is that your end game: to spring it onto them after you jump the broom?
A lot of people don’t want to talk about the fact that a person’s financial habits and lifestyle typically reveal a lot about them: do they keep their word by paying their bills on time; are they mature enough to wait to make certain purchases instead of being an impulsive shopper; is getting and/or staying out of debt a priority to them; what is their credit because, if it’s bad, do they get that it will directly affect you on some level?
You know, I know someone who’s now ex-wife’s father said to him at their wedding, “Good luck. She’s a handful.” Her father was right. She was reckless with money. She ran up debt by getting credit cards that her husband knew nothing about. She spent thousands of dollars on basically inconsequential things. SMDH. With financial issues remaining in the top five of reasons why divorces transpire, you are absolutely doing yourself a grave disservice by not getting to know your partner intimately on a financial level. You can do this by asking questions like:
- What were you taught about money as a kid?
- What are your spending habits like?
- Do you have a financial plan for your future?
- How much is currently in your savings account?
- What is your tax situation like (lawd!)?
- How do you prioritize your bills?
- How much debt do you currently have?
- How do you feel about prenups?
- Do you think we should have joint accounts?
- Have you considered retirement yet?
If this seems like “a lot” or invasive, that’s already a problem because this doesn’t even really scratch the service of the type of inquiries that you should make. For instance, I know a wife who has two jobs right now because her husband, although he made pretty good money when they first got married, he is more interested in pursuing dreams than covering the bills. She didn’t know that about him before marriage, and so now…here she is — financially frustrated, which ultimately takes its toll on the relationship at one point or another. Consider yourself warned.
7. FEELING LIKE Premarital Counseling Should Be Highly Prioritized
GiphyOne of the best ways to describe the benefits of any type of therapy is to say that, while clients tend to see things from the “inside out,” therapists/counselors/life coaches choose to look at matters from the “outside in.” In fact, they are trained to do so. This can be highly beneficial when it comes to participating in premarital counseling because you need someone who is not emotionally invested in the way that you and your partner are to raise some questions, issues, or concerns that you may not have thought about or considered otherwise.
Hey, just because I am a marriage life coach, you don’t have to take my word for it. Various studies reveal that not only can premarital counseling help to decrease a couple’s chances of divorce by as much as 50 percent (others say that the percentile is more like 30, which is still pretty good odds), other research cites that marriages are 80 percent better off when premarital counseling transpired.
I’ll say this: There’s a guy I know who is what I call a “nice guy narcissist.” I’ve known him for years, and to say that he has A LOT of issues is a major understatement. When I mentioned to him that he should definitely get into premarital counseling right after he announced that he was engaged, he first said that it was on his to-do list. Then he said that he and his fiancée had spoken with a few people, yet no one was a good fit. Then he said that they resorted to reading books instead.
Uh-huh. Red flags all over the place because if you can come up with thousands of dollars for an engagement ring and wedding, you can come up with 1-2 percent of that total cost (literally) to invest in some premarital counseling. My discernment says that he didn’t want a counselor to pick up on some stuff that could either delay the nuptials or make his soon-to-be bride want to call off the wedding altogether — and that’s pretty much my point: it is so much better to end an engagement than to end a marriage.
On the flip side, if you want to move forward with your partner, you will feel so much better if you get some objective insights and tips to make your relationship last than if you try and wing something as multi-layered as marriage all by yourself.
8. FEELING LIKE You Should Wait a Little Bit Longer
GiphyAt one point or another, most of us have heard the saying, “When in doubt, don’t” — and you know what? There is a lot of truth in that, especially when it comes to making relationship-related decisions. One of the reasons why I say that is, it’s almost countless at this point, the amount of people who told me that the week (sometimes even the night) before their wedding, they wanted to call things off yet they didn’t because they already spent a lot of money, they didn’t want to disappoint other people, or they told themselves that it was “cold feet.”
I’ve already taken up a lot of your time, and this could honestly be its own article. I’ll just try and simplify this point by saying: If you feel like you need to rush into anything, that’s typically rooted in pressure or fear — and it’s honestly never a good idea to make any serious decision in those types of headspaces.
To be ready to do something means that you are “completely prepared or in fit condition for immediate action or use” and “duly equipped, completed, adjusted, or arranged, as for an occasion or purpose.” If you don’t think that you are, he is, and/or the relationship is ready for marriage, you are actually loving yourself and your partner by slowing things down rather than speeding things up. So, if you feel like you should wait to get married, you absolutely should.
____
This was a lot. MARRIAGE IS A LOT. Yet I hope that this either gives you the confidence that you need to move forward or the support that you need to speak up. Because again, if something doesn’t feel quite right, there’s usually a solid reason (or set of reasons) why. Love you and him enough to not ignore what it may be. You both deserve, at least, that much, sis. Straight up.
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