These Mental Health Advocates Are Empowering Black Men To Take Up Emotional Space
Although major depressive disorder (MDD) is less common among African American men than white men, African American men with depressive symptoms often are misdiagnosed, according to the Association of American Medical Colleges. Depression, anxiety or any mental health issue amongst Black men is often dismissed or unaddressed in the Black community, which deeply affects the quality of life for Black people as an entirety. In fact, according to the U.S. News & World Report, the suicide attempt rates amongst Black teen males continue to rise in comparison to any other ethnic group and suicide still remains as the second leading cause of death between the ages of 10 to 38.
As we begin to break the stigma and create changes in our community by starting positive conversations and speaking up about mental health, we subconsciously create a safe space for young Black boys to relieve any feelings of loneliness, fear and hopelessness. xoNecole had the opportunity and pleasure of speaking with these powerful Black men across psychology, social work, and mental health advocacy about their personal journeys and advice for young Black men fitting the same shoes that they themselves have walked in.
A Black Man’s Mental Health and Stereotypes
We don't notice it off-rip, but societal norms and gender differences cause a disruption in how we should be dealing with mental health in its entirety. According to the Psychological Health Center of Excellence, "gender stereotypes are fixed ideas about men's and women's traits and capabilities and how they should comport themselves, based on their biological sex". Gender stereotypes are omnipresent in everyday life, but especially so in the realm of mental health and its impact on each gender.
"There are few stereotypes about Black men such as they don't have the capacity to express their feelings or emotions, they're angry or aggressive, or they're not monogamous. I think regardless of ethnicity or race, some men prefer not to be emotional or talk about their feelings," shares Dr. Erlanger A. Turner. The author, clinical psychologist, and assistant professor of psychology at Pepperdine University vocalizes his disagreement with these stereotypes by stating that most Black men do not fit into the categories given to them. "In regards to stereotypes of Black men, I think because of these perceptions Black men are assumed to have poor mental health and engage in unhealthy behaviors such as substance use or sex to cope with life."
He continues, "I do think that based on each man's views about adhering to ideals of masculinity, that it may influence their decisions about when and to whom do they express their emotional side." Unfortunately, pertaining to those ideals of masculinity, especially when diving into a deeper conversation about gender as a social construct, in the Black community, being vulnerable and honest about your emotional well-being is deemed as "soft", "weak", or "unmanly".
From The Womb To The Tomb
Osadeba Omokaro, co-founder of DEAD THE SILENCE, chimes in with a thought about his childhood and how gender roles play a part in his emotional well-being, "As a child, all the people that were around me that were emotional were feminine, and the more stoic individuals were manly. The interesting part of this is as an adult I believe men can be internally emotional yet remain unwavering as long as they truly process those emotions, but if a male has emotions yet cannot identify them, they are lost."
"As an adult I believe men can be internally emotional yet remain unwavering as long as they truly process those emotions, but if a male has emotions yet cannot identify them, they are lost."
Osadeba continues to reflect on his upbringing as a child and recalls that he was not initially encouraged to open up about his emotions. "I was told not to show my emotions from my brothers, OGs, girls and my dad," he says." It made me hard and a fighter."
"A lot of men are conditioned at a young age not to show emotion or express feelings. This follows many men into adulthood and manifests itself in various parts of our lives. There is a shift happening though, where men are realizing that holding everything in does not serve them," co-founder of HealHaus Darian Hall adds. As a Black man as well as a member of a Black fraternity, Kappa Alpha Psi, Darian realized the importance of creating a space for people of color in New York City to practice mental wellness and combating depression and anxiety.
"A lot of men are conditioned at a young age not to show emotion or express feelings. This follows many men into adulthood and manifests itself in various parts of our lives. There is a shift happening though, where men are realizing that holding everything in does not serve them."
On the impact of his childhood on his emotional structure as an adult, founder of The Lives of Men Jason Rosario ponders retrospectively about how his poorly-given childhood advice was transferred. "I think a lot of boys, not just me, received those messages directly and indirectly. What that does is separate us as men from our humanity and capacity to feel. When we get older, we've become so good at compartmentalizing and suppressing our emotions that we become emotionally repressed and unable to identify, much less articulate how we feel," he says.
"I think a lot of boys, not just me, received those messages directly and indirectly. What that does is separate us as men from our humanity and capacity to feel. When we get older, we've become so good at compartmentalizing and suppressing our emotions that we become emotionally repressed and unable to identify, much less articulate how we feel."
As We Go On…
When coming into one's adulthood in today's society, men are oftentimes challenged of their manhood with financial and physical tasks such as taking care of their families by bringing home the primary source of income or lifting an old three-ton chiffarobe out of the basement. However, as a society, we have failed our Black men by not providing them with the proper safe space to express their mental health concerns to their friends, spouses, peers, colleagues or even conditioned them to believe that a therapist is an option.
"The fear that many Black men experience around expressing their feelings is rooted in mistrust, which goes back to the days of slavery. Black men were tortured, abused, and/or ridiculed for expressing their feelings," Dr. Randy "Dr. S" Sconiers states with historical context. Furthermore, he added that society continues to perpetuate those narratives by creating harmful stigmas around Black men expressing their feelings, thus being associated with weakness and inferiority. "For these reasons, Black men have been conditioned within systems such as schools and social constructs to hold feelings in order to be viewed as strong and manly. In other words, 'man up and keep your feelings inside.' That's totally wrong and damaging to the psyche of Black men."
"Black men have been conditioned within systems such as schools and social constructs to hold feelings in order to be viewed as strong and manly. In other words, 'man up and keep your feelings inside.' That's totally wrong and damaging to the psyche of Black men."
The podcast host and founder of Mental-Hop also thinks about the impact of love, women, and romantic relationships on today's Black men. When asked by xoNecole about his thoughts on women expressing their lack of respect for a 'beta-male' or a man that wears his heart on his sleeve, Dr. S responds with, "I believe that kind of thinking by women only further harms the overall well-being of Black men."
Because men put so much stock into the feelings and thoughts of what women think, if there's a widely accepted consensus that women don't want a 'beta man', it only reinforces that they should not express themselves in order to be deemed as more attractive by the opposite sex. "Conversely, if a woman expresses that a man who expresses his feelings signifies a strength and attractiveness, men may ultimately see that as something to aspire to do more often."
The Next Generation…
'Train them up in the way that they should go,' is something I've been hearing all my life whether I overheard people talking to my mother about me and my siblings or church folk gathered around gossiping about the latest young people scandal. Everyone, from what I've experienced, takes this term as forcing a child to live the life that you'd want them to live as opposed to the emotional healthy, non-scarring life that they should. When asked by xoNecole if he had any advice to share with the next generation of young Black men about mental health and wellness disparities, Jason wants to remind them that they are simply enough. "That their existence alone makes them worthy of love, respect, compassion," he adds. "I want boys to grow up knowing that it's OK to access the full spectrum of their emotions because that along with their masculine essence is what makes them special."
"I want boys to grow up knowing that it's OK to access the full spectrum of their emotions because that along with their masculine essence is what makes them special."
Anthony Duncan, co-founder of DEAD THE SILENCE alongside Osadeba, pulls from his own tragic experience of the loss of his sister to give advice for the next generation of young Black men to emerge. "I was not able to show my emotions when my younger sister passed away from suicide. Everyone around me was heartbroken and I did not feel that I could express my emotions. I felt I had to be strong for others around me," Anthony shares with xoNecole. "I would like to teach them not to be afraid to express how they feel. Being strong is showcasing your vulnerability and being able to lead as well. Connection is key to communication and without it we do not have anything."
In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month and continuing to be the light he wishes to see in the world, HealHaus' Darian Hall is offering $10 off unlimited monthly live yoga and meditation classes for xoNecole readers. For seven days only, use the code: "xonecole" when you sign up on HealHaus.com.
Featured image courtesy of Darian Hall
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Being a sexual empath shapes the orgasmic experience into an emotionally charged journey. The intense connection with a partner's energy elevates the pleasure of orgasm but may also leave a lingering sense of emotional fatigue. Experiencing a mind-blowing orgasm involves not only the physical release but also absorbing and reflecting a partner's emotions.
"Sexual empaths are people whose energetic level intensifies during sexual activity. It dramatically affects the way they connect with others during sexual experiences because they can deeply connect with their partner's sexual energy," said Kasey King, LMFT.
The exchange of energies during orgasm may involve absorbing both the ecstasy and potential negative emotions, adding a layer of complexity to the post-orgasmic experience.
King is a marriage and sex therapist located in Fort Worth, TX. She owns a private practice, Lavender Healing Center, that offers relationship, sex therapy, and healing services to clients located in Texas and Mississippi. King spoke with xoNecole about what sex is like for a sexual empath, the impact of sexual empathy on orgasm, and navigating sex with a sexual empath.
What Sex is Like for a Sexual Empath?
Engaging in sex as a sexual empath can be emotionally intense, leading to a sense of depletion. The empathic experience extends beyond physical release, often requiring a period of emotional recharge to restore balance.
"Because of their ability to absorb and give energy, sex can be euphoric but also leave you feeling empty and not in a pleasing way," King explained.
For a sexual empath, managing the emotional aftermath is essential to maintaining their well-being and preserving the depth of connection in future intimate encounters.
"Common patterns after sex are not always the same. Aftercare can look different for sexual empaths. While some empaths feel a deeper connection, others can disconnect and shut down. As a sexual empath, it may be important to discuss your post-sex desires before sex so you aren't left feeling used, and the experience is not one-sided," King recommended.
The Impact of Sexual Empathy on Orgasm
The drained sensation experienced by a sexual empath after sex extends to their orgasmic encounters. While the orgasm itself is a powerful culmination of physical and emotional elements, the aftermath leaves the empath in need of a thoughtful recovery. Their intense emotions can lead to a sense of emotional and physical fatigue.
"The exchange of their energy during orgasm is not always beautiful. You can have a mind-blowing orgasm and absorb your partner's negative energy while they are now rejuvenated. It is important to be mindful of your sexual partner's stress and emotional availability while engaging in sexual activity to ensure you are getting what you need as well," King said.
King shared that orgasms differ from other sexual empaths and can be more intense with other sexual empaths.
"Since sexual empath's energies are highly sensitive, it is easier to pick up each other's cues regarding pleasure, resistance, and anxiety," she said." Orgasms with similar energies are also more powerful and meaningful for that reason. When a sexual empath has sex with a non-sexual empath, orgasms may still occur. However, it may look different because energy is not always shared and understood. Non-sexual empaths can still provide their [sexual empath] partners with an intense orgasm because they took the time to understand what their partner needs."
Unfortunately, if a non-sexual empath doesn't take the time to understand their partner's needs, then their needs go unmet. And when the needs of a sexual empath are unmet, emotional disconnection ensues, and it casts a shadow over the intimacy in the relationship.
"Since sexual empaths feel on a deeper level and can meet the needs of their partner easily, they push their needs aside. [Sexual empaths] may fall into the role of 'people pleaser' or unintentionally sexually submissive. As a 'people pleaser,' sexual empaths can also misread the sexual experience and be left feeling foolish and unfulfilled," King revealed.
Navigating Sex with a Sexual Empath
Navigating sex with a sexual empath as a non-empath involves fostering open communication and mutual understanding. Recognizing and respecting the empath's heightened sensitivity to emotions is crucial. Prioritize clear verbal and non-verbal communication to ensure both partners feel heard and connected. Establishing trust and creating a safe space for emotional expression contributes to a fulfilling and harmonious sexual experience, allowing the unique dynamics of the empathic connection to flourish.
"As a marriage and sex therapist, I first assess a couple's sexual connectedness, then discuss their individual meaning of sex, which often differs," said King.
"In relationships where one partner is a sexual empath, practical exercises can include explaining your sexual cues because the non-sexual empath can often misunderstand them. Also, mutually engaging in non-penetrative intercourse to learn each other's needs, desires, and kinks on a deeper level," she added.
King noted that being a sexual empath doesn't necessarily mean your energy is shared equally or with a deserving partner.
"Sexual empaths can get sucked in, which may complicate the relationship. Empaths give freely yet aren't always verbally expressive. To heighten your sexual experience and have an amazing orgasm, ensure pleasure is not only expressed but understood. Know that you are deserving to receive what you give."
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