5 Black Fathers On What Fatherhood Means To Them
My favorite memory of my father is him teaching me how to ride a bike.
I upgraded from my little red tricycle and was on my first big girl bicycle with training wheels on deck. He had taken them off that morning, and as we started off in the dirt driveway of our home in South Carolina, he held me up. His hand was securely fastened on the back of my seat as I pedaled. There, he kept me safe, preventing me from falling. He promised he wouldn't let go until I was ready. Because of how safe he made me feel, I felt brave enough to conquer the world. He gave me a running start and I did the rest, not even realizing he let go of me until I was halfway down the driveway, pedaling away without training wheels and without him.
That memory of my father, Lee, is a favorite of mine because it serves as a beautiful reminder of the man who helped create me, but also the man who raised me. How he'd always be sure to make sure that if I fell (which I would countless times), that he'd be there to catch me. As a child of divorce, not a lot of us get to say that our fathers are an active part of our lives. From childhood to adulthood, he has been there, an ever-constant figure, a father, a confidant and most importantly, a friend. To me, he is the epitome of black love and laid the foundation of the love I have for myself and the love I'd come to expect from anyone else.
As a product of a dope black father, it was important to me to highlight the ones out there doing the work and playing an active role in planting the seeds of their legacy. Here are 5 black fathers on fatherhood and the lessons that made them.
Deano
Deano pictured with his wife Chadeia and their daughter
Courtesy of Deano/@cutzbydb
Age: 29
Location: Wilmington, Delaware
Proud father of: a one-year-old daughter
What fatherhood means to him:
"It's not who taught me how to be a father as much as what taught me how to be a father - my experience not having a father is what showed me what kind of father I wanted to be. My experience being a father is still in its early stages but one of the most profound moments that exemplified fatherhood for me was the time my daughter wouldn't go to sleep and I stayed up with her until she fell asleep knowing I had to go to work early that morning; it was a sacrifice that I had to make. That's what being a father is - making sacrifices for the benefit of our children.
"I remember the day my daughter was born like it was yesterday - 11:56 AM. I saw her hair as she was coming out, that's when it became real for me and once I held her, I was instantly in love. Words could not express the feeling. It was euphoric.
"'Father' means to always protect, sacrifice for and love your child as if they are your greatest responsibility, because they are. I hope that my children can learn to always count on and trust in me so that we have a very strong bond. This year will only be my second Father's Day. The first happened just a week after my daughter was born."
Jon
Jon pictured with his son and his mom who was his "dad"
Courtesy of Jon
Age: 35
Location: Quebec, Canada
Proud father of three kids: a soon-to-be 17-year-old son, and two girls that will be 4 and 2 in July
What fatherhood means to him:
"My mom raised me and my brother by herself so I would have to say that she is the one who taught me how to be the man and the father I am today.
"I don't think as a child I felt that something was missing from my life because my father was not around, but I strongly believe that it drives how I am as a father today. Even if I'm working a lot and don't get the chance to be around my children as much as I would like to, I make sure to be there for them for every important moment of their life. Every free minute I have, I spend it with them. The day I became a father, I was so proud. I felt joy and excitement but I don't think that at that moment I realized what that really meant.
"My kids are the only human beings who taught me what pure love was. What I want for my children to learn with me, is to never give up. I want them to work hard to get where they want to be and to work harder when they fall, even if it is painful. I want them to believe like me that nothing is impossible even when everyone tells you so. If my kids associate the word "dad" with trust, protection, laughs and most importantly love, I will be an accomplished father."
Jamaal
Jamaal pictured above with his sons
Courtesy of Jamaal
Age: 35
Location: Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina
Proud father of: three sons, an 11-year-old, a two-and-a-half-year-old, and a one-year-old
What fatherhood means to him:
"Growing up without a father figure, I've had several male role models in my life who played a hand in my development as a man and a father. I ran track most of my life, so many of them were my high school and club coaches. But my mother was the biggest influence in my life. She worked hard to provide for my brother and me, and to instill certain values in us. I carry that desire and responsibility to provide - in a variety of ways - into my role as a father.
"My father's absence actually pushes me to be a great father to my boys. I think that's the case with many men who grew up without a father. We want to give our children something we never had.
"There's a learning curve since I didn't have that example, but the desire to be great is what guides me. It's like playing a role without a script, but I'm getting better at improvising. There's nothing to prepare you to be a father. With my first son, I was about to graduate from college and pursue a professional track career. I had the big responsibility of taking care of a life outside of my own and essentially becoming a compass for him. And I didn't want to let him down.
"Fathers wear many different hats, but right now being a father to me means being a leader, provider and a wielder of my family's legacy. Building future men, husbands and fathers. I want my sons to be unapologetically themselves, regardless of how society labels them, and to have fun doing it."
Aijalon
Aijalon pictured with his sons
Courtesy of @phourthelook
Age: 35
Location: Detroit, Michigan
Proud father of: a 5-year-old son, a 3-year-old son, and a deceased son
What fatherhood means to him:
"Although my father lived in a different state than I did, he still played a role in my life. I was fortunate enough to be able to graft influences from other great men as well. I remember when I was little, although my mom and dad weren't together, my dad would still come by and he would read the Bible to my brother and I. We may not have understood it all at that time, but he was not only laying the foundation for what I believe and teach my children today, but also setting an example for me unconsciously, by trying to be there for us as a father.
"I remember the day I became a dad. It felt scary. In that moment, I became responsible for something so fragile. To me, 'Father' means 'Starter' because you are the beginning and the continuation of everything. A house or child can be strong because of you or weakened and broken because of your absence.
"Children don't really learn by rules as much as they learn from seeing what you do. Lead by example. I hope my children learn to be peaceful, stable, and God-fearing men."
John
John pictured above with his family
Courtesy of John Moran
Age: 51
Location: Decatur, Georgia
Proud father of: five children -- three boys: John (24) Jordan (22) Juwon (22) and two girls: Taylor (18) and Casey (16)
What fatherhood means to him:
"I've had many men in my life who contributed to my development as a father. My father had some particular issues so we didn't have the best relationship but when I was young I specifically said to myself that I would NOT act like my dad did. Having said that, I have to say by 'process of elimination', my father was the biggest influence. When I was about 10 or 11, and before our relationship soured, my father would take me to the park across the street from where we lived. Every weekend or so we would play ball, fly a kite or watch a softball game. I see the correlation between that and the fact most summers with my boys were spent in the backyard or at the park playing ball.
"My wife was busy working and in school and it was before the girls were born so it was just us running around and playing. Those moments with my dad and with my sons exemplify fatherhood to me.
"The day I first became a dad was both the scariest and proudest moment of my life. My wife was in labor and we were all huddled in the delivery room. The doctor informed us that the umbilical cord had wrapped itself around my son's neck. I was handed scrubs and told they would have to perform a c-section. I went into the restroom and cried like a baby (pun intended) out of fear for my wife and son and not knowing what to do and feeling completely helpless. By the time I had gotten myself together and put the scrubs on, I walked out and the doctor gleefully told me the situation had corrected itself (he explained with all kinds of technical terms but I wasn't listening) and my firstborn son come into this world with no medical issues.
"I went from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs in less than two hours. Looking back, I now fully understand this would be a microcosm of married and family life...
"The word 'father' is so damn complicated. All at once you have to be a rock, protector, nurturer, CEO, engineer, mechanic, foreman, negotiator, lover, listener, cook...and if you're lucky you only have to be one at a time. The greatest lesson I've learned about fatherhood is that no one has the magic solution to being the perfect father. You try as hard as you can and allow love to guide you. We screw it up sometimes, we get it right sometimes, but in the end it's the greatest and most fulfilling job in the world."
Follow John on Instagram. Also check out his podcast Grumpy Old Nerds on Facebook.
*Responses edited and condensed for clarity
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Exclusive: Kelly Rowland Dishes On The Key To A Healthy Marriage And Her Skincare "Game-Changers"
Kelly Rowland is like a bottle of the Earth’s finest wine; she only gets better with time. Even in her early forties, the Destiny’s Child member and singer has somehow found a way to age backwards, with a level of grace and class that we could only dream of. And she does so while juggling multiple hats and roles at once. In addition to giving us hits like “Motivation,” the multi-hyphenate is also a wife, actress, executive producer, and, her greatest role of all, a mother.
Always proudly doting on her two sons, Titan and Noah, Rowland shares how teaming up with WaterWipes for their Hallowclean campaign and kickoff event in New York City on October 21 was an easy choice for her—as the brand is one that she keeps stocked regularly.
“WaterWipes has been in my household for I don’t know how long. We don’t just use them for Noah; I keep them in the car and my makeup bag, too,” Rowland shares in an exclusive interview with xoNecole. “I also like the fact that they are natural. I’ll definitely have them in my fanny pack for trick-or-treating. This is Noah’s second Halloween, and I know he’s going to be excited and digging in his pail to try the different candy, and his little fingers will be messy. He’s going to want to get dirty. So, I love that WaterWipes is putting up ten Hallowclean stations across the country for parents to use; it’s such a great idea. I just love Halloween, and I really love Halloween with my kids, so I thought this campaign was a really great idea.”
Kelly Rowland and son Noah at the WaterWipes Hallowclean Machine in Brooklyn, NY.
Photo courtesy of WaterWipes.
She and her youngest son, Noah, attended the event, where the two enjoyed a day of family-friendly activities while he sported the most adorable astronaut costume. But the Spooky Szn fun doesn’t stop there for the Merry Liddle Christmas actress and executive producer.
We recently caught up with Kelly Rowland over Zoom to learn more about her Halloween (and holiday) plans, her keys to a healthy marriage, and she even dropped her go-to cold-weather skin routine—finally.
xoNecole: What are your family’s upcoming trick-or-treat plans? Will you do a fun group costume, or is everyone going to do their own thing this year?
Kelly Rowland: I’m preparing for tour, so I’ve been in rehearsals and pre-production. And my husband's schedule has picked up, too. But the kids are going trick-or-treating; we usually go with people we know, so mommy and daddy will definitely be home to take them. We’re actually letting the kids dress us up this year, which means my costume will be a complete surprise to me. I told Noah he could paint my face or even go to the costume store and pick something out—it’s literally up to them. So, I don’t know what that will be. And, right after, I’ll be back to rehearsals.
xoN: Speaking of holidays, what do you look forward to most during the season?
KR: We love having people over, especially during the holidays. It looks like we will be home this year—thank God— just enjoying each other and spending quality time together. I like to decorate the house and go completely ham; it always looks like Christmas threw up in my house. From the stairwells to the exterior of the house and the lights—everything. We go so crazy. I also love the smells, it’s one of my greatest memories with my mom, God rest her soul. So I love to play all of that up.
I like to bake something every day, I like to make sure there is something for the kids to do or make each day, we watch Christmas movies, and we even do a wine tasting sometimes. It’s just all really sweet and cozy.
Kelly Rowland and son Noah at the WaterWipes Hallowclean Machine in Brooklyn, NY.
Photo courtesy of WaterWipes.
xoN: We love that family is so important to you, and it always shows in your posts, especially those with your husband. What would you say has been that “key” to a healthy marriage as partners and spouses for you two?
KR: I would say, each of us doing the self-work. I have not seen marriages last long in my lifetime. I haven’t been given the tools to “make it last forever.” We just try to do the work on ourselves and not sweat the small stuff.
Communication is key for us, too. We communicate everything. Whether I’m upset or I’m not sure about something, I communicate it. I also just like being around him, he’s fun. He’s a really great person and makes me laugh. We can literally sit together and watch a game and not say anything. We understand what true intimacy is, and now we’re almost ten years into our marriage.
xoN: Now, Kelly, we have to ask. Skincare. What is your cold-weather routine and the products you’re reaching for as temperatures drop?
KR: Right now, I’m all about moisture. I will wash my face morning and night, I do not skip. I’m obsessed with this 111SKIN toner. It smells good, but it also feels good on my skin. There’s also this product from Vanessa Lee of The Things We Do. They are these coconut eye patches with these little beads. I place them under my eyes and around the corners of my mouth—talk about a game changer. I like to put them on at night and then rub in the extra serum all over my face. Between that and this lactic acid by Shani Darden, they are both game-changers for me this season.
xoN: So, since you’ve found the key to aging backwards, should we be on the lookout for the Kelly Rowland skincare line anytime soon?
KR: Honestly, that market is so saturated. I wanted to do it a while back, but I have to really think about what I want to bring to the marketplace to really impact culture. It’s not just about a product for me. I love the way Selena Gomez has created a community. I want to be able to create a community as well. When it’s not just about skincare, it turns into a space for people to be their most authentic selves. And that’s what I love.
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I Took Magnesium For 14 Days To Help With Sleep, And Here’s How It’s Going
Maybe it’s a sign of my age or just a sign of the times, but getting a good night’s rest has been a struggle. It’s not so much that I have trouble dozing off — I can do that in the middle of the day with the right cozy setup — but it’s staying asleep that’s the problem.
I’ll admit, I pop melatonin like candy some evenings just to get a head start on the long night ahead of me. At times, I’m tired enough to get myself to sleep without it, but with my anxious thoughts and wandering, the supplement-size support is needed.
Over time, I got to a place of frustration that made me want to explore alternative sleep remedies that could help put my mind at ease and keep me in a state of rest until the morning came. That’s when I discovered magnesium.
Benefits of Magnesium
Magnesium plays an essential role in the overall function of our bodies. It is an essential element involved in over 300 biochemical processes within the body and plays a crucial role in maintaining the regular function of nerves and muscles, the immune system, the heart, and bone health. Additionally, it contributes to the regulation of blood glucose levels and facilitates the production of both energy and protein.
Some studies claim that magnesium can act as a natural sleep aid in adults but only plays a supporting role in getting to sleep. Magnesium can help regulate neurotransmitters that are related to sleep, calm the nervous system, and tell our brains it’s time for rest — making it easier to fall asleep.
ljubaphoto/Getty Images
My Bedtime Mocktail
In my case, I wanted to see what it would be like to whip up a bedtime mocktail with magnesium that could aid in my journey to better sleep, to which I looked no further than TikTok for inspiration.
For weeks, the viral Sleep Girl Mocktails has been trending on TikTok, with claims that it would help put an end to bedtime insomnia and restlessness before bed. The three-ingredient drink, made up of Tart Cherry Juice, powdered magnesium, and a sweet beverage of your choice to add for taste, seemed easy enough to follow.
Tart Cherry Juice is said to support quality sleep as it contains melatonin and tryptophan — which the body uses to produce melatonin. Desperate for a solution, I decided to try it out for myself.
@yagirlaley this bedtime mocktail will have you out like a light 😴 #fyp #mocktails #magnesiumforsleep #soberliving #sobercurious #mocktailwithmagnesium #tartcherryjuice
The Experience
I first began taking this bedtime mocktail at the start of October as a part of my Sober October journey, and I have to say, the claims hold up. About 45 minutes before bed each night, I take my mocktail ingredients, mix up my drink, and take two melatonin capsules. The flavor is reminiscent of a flat cherry soda but goes down smoothly.
About 40 minutes into having the drink, I tend to feel my body go into a relaxed state, which is hard to come by with my racing mind. My thoughts become more paced, my body is at ease, and I soon find the weight of my eyes getting heavier, signaling me to prepare for sleep.
Once I’m fully asleep, I only find myself waking up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, but when I’m back in bed, it’s right to sleep I go. In the morning, I’m not met with that usual groggy feeling. Instead, I feel rested and ready to start my day.
Will I Keep Using it?
Absolutely. It’s nice to know that there’s a natural way to fall asleep that doesn’t leave me feeling disoriented in the morning. However, taking this bedtime mocktail is only half of what’s been helping me sleep better.
For starters, I bought an analog alarm clock to be my new way of waking up in the morning so that I didn’t feel the need to keep my phone next to me at night. Scrolling on my phone in the evenings used to be the catalyst to my insomnia, with the bright light from my screen keeping my brain wired and awake. With the alarm clock, I can now set my phone across the room and slip my mocktail without the distraction.
Also, finding a magnesium-based melatonin to take with the mocktail has worked wonders for helping me not only doze off but stay asleep.
So, if you’re someone who struggles with insomnia too, making a bedtime magnesium mocktail may just be the remedy you’ve been looking for. Be sure to consult with a doctor and, if taking magnesium, follow dosage recommendations.
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