The Best Way To "Ease Into Sex" After Having A Baby
Hormones. Adjusting to your new baby's all-over-the-place schedule. A lack of sleep. Internal body image issues. The low-key fear of getting pregnant again before you're ready (real talk). When you've just had a baby and you're trying to get back into the swing of what helped you to conceive in the first place, it can present all sorts of obstacles and issues that aren't talked about (in a public setting), nearly as much as it should be. It's not that you don't ever want to have sex again; it's more like you need some help getting from "wanting to want" to do it to actually doing it—again.
As a doula, I've helped many women (and patient partners) navigate their way through all of this. Whether you're just had a baby, you're weeks out from giving birth, or you're thinking about getting pregnant and you're wondering how it will affect your sex life on the back end, these 10 tips are practical ways for you to ease back into coitus after conceiving.
1. Get Cleared by Your Doctor
While it's a pretty standard assumption that a woman should wait for six weeks to have sex again after giving birth to a child, you might be surprised to know that many health professionals actually say that many ladies are good to go after three. It all depends on how well you're healing and if you're physically (and emotionally) up to it. But whether you experienced a vaginal birth or a cesarean (in all honesty, you probably will need six weeks in this case), it's important that you get a personal green light from your own physician before you get the party started again. Otherwise, you run the risk of contracting a uterine infection or even having some level of postpartum hemorrhaging.
2. Take a Probiotic
While this particular tip might seem a little odd, I'll break down why adding a probiotic to your diet regimen is so important. One thing that has been the reality for you, pretty much since you saw a positive sign on your pregnancy test, is your hormones have been all over the place. Well, aside from flushing out your system by eating fresh fruits, veggies and lots of water (so that detoxing can balance you back out), something else that can bring some balance to your hormonal system is a probiotic.
Since around 70 percent of our immune system is actually located in our gut, a probiotic can help to bring more good bacteria to that area of your body which will ultimately help to balance your hormones so that you can get to feeling more like your old self again.
As far as the best probiotics to take, click here for the kind of strains on the back of the bottle that you should be on the lookout for.
3. Do Some Kegels
If you had a cesarean, one thing you won't have to worry too much about is getting your vagina back into tip-top shape. But if you did experience a vaginal birth, kegels can really come to be your best friend when it comes to tightening your vaginal walls back up. While the reality is that your vagina will probably not fully return back to its pre-birth shape, time and kegels can get you close to around 80-90 percent. To tell you the truth, kegels is something that all women should do on a regular basis because, if a baby doesn't "shift" our vaginal walls, aging can cause our pelvic floor to become weaker and more fragile as well. Besides, kegels can do all sorts of other things for you like increase blood circulation to your vaginal area (which can intensify your orgasms), help to stop any bladder leakage that you might be experiencing and help to give your back and hips some additional support. For tips on how to do kegels correctly, click here.
4. Openly (and Mutually) Share Your Emotions
When you have a baby, everything is a "new normal"; to a certain degree, this includes your sex life. While it can certainly help to share what you're feeling with your physician and close friends (especially if they happen to be mothers too), the reality is they aren't the one who's having sex with you; your partner is. That's why it's so important to be willing to share your thoughts, concerns and maybe even fears with him and that you allow him to do the same with you. This isn't the time to get super defensive, self-conscious or to put up walls.
A foundational component of a thriving sex life is open communication.
The more you both allow the other to share their feelings, no matter how potentially awkward those feelings may be, the greater the chances are that the two of you will develop a newer sense of trust for one another—the more you'll feel wanted and needed on an unconditional level that goes way beyond the physical. And when two people are at this point and place, the sex has the potential to be so much better than it ever was before.
5. Bring the Romance Back In
It's kind of crazy that someone who is (usually) under 10 pounds can literally take over an entire house the moment they come inside of it. Suddenly it's like, whatever your baby wants, they cause you to forget that you have your own wants and needs too. This is another area where finding a sense of balance is so crucial. Although it may be a while before you're either up to going out and down to fully trust someone to watch your child while you do it, don't forget that you and your partner can still bring romance into your home. For starters, check out my article, "10 Romantic Dates You Can Go On (In Your Own Home)". Beyond that, be intentional about speaking each other's love languages, participate in some orgasmic meditation, give your man a nice massage (then have him return the favor). In a thriving sex life, before sex, there's foreplay and before foreplay, there's romance. As you ease back into having sex again, following this pattern can make getting back into the swing of things, so much easier for you to do.
6. Be Open to a Lil’ Oral Warm-Up First
If intercourse feels too uncomfortable, the first couple of times that you try to get back into the saddle of things, remember that oral sex is always an option. It's a pretty dope one too since a lot of women are able to experience orgasms a little quicker (and easier) that way. Not only that, but if you focus on receiving cunnilingus more during this time, that can help to bring more natural lubrication back into the picture as, again, your body is getting back used to you having sex again on the regular (if you need to bring in some lubrication during sex, by all means do, please). As a bonus, fellatio can be a good way for your partner to be able to get some of his own sexual pressure off until you're feeling better about having sex more consistently. Shoot, it's not like his sperm doesn't come with some health benefits for you in the process (check out "Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm"). Just sayin'.
7. Try Positions That Leave Your Breasts Out of It
Any woman who's ever had a baby before (especially if she decided to breastfeed once her child was born) can vouch for the fact that figuring out how to "process" breasts is no easy feat. When you were growing up, they were all yours. When you got into a relationship, you sexually shared them with your partner. Now, you've got a little person who wants to cling to them constantly for sustenance's sake.
Shifting between all of those gears can be confusing and a little overwhelming, at times (not to mention the fact that your breasts don't actually feel the sexiest or most comfortable while they are engorged with milk). So, if you kind of want your breasts to sexually be off limits for a while, don't feel the least bit guilty about that. The workaround is to get into sex positions where your breasts aren't a major focal point.
Ones that immediately come to mind are spooning, the corkscrew, the flatiron, doggy style and the leapfrog (which is a variation of doggy style). If all of these names have you looking at your screen like, "huh?", Women's Health has offered up 46 sex positions, including pictures. You can check 'em out here in order to grasp a greater concept of what each position looks like.
8. Don’t Decide How Your Partner Sees You on Your Own
Not too long ago, I checked out the movieConception. Although it had no Black people in it (I know, right?), it really was cute and offered up some super realistic moments when it comes to how women handle body image struggles after giving birth. As a doula, I'll be real with you—more times than not, bodies do change after having a baby; ones that take some time to get used to. Your breasts may not be as firm. Your tummy will probably not be as tight. You might have stretch marks. Your skin may have some discoloration. We already touched on the fact that your vagina may be looser. Listen, you just gave birth to a whole human being; that alters things.
But if there's something that a lot of women concern themselves with, if there's one thing that they really shouldn't obsess too much over, it's the feeling that their partner will not desire them in the same way because of all of the changes. Girl, that couldn't be further from the truth. First, if you're someone who wasn't really up to having sex during your entire pregnancy, your third trimester or even simply a few weeks leading into your due date, if you add to that the weeks of healing following giving birth, your partner has been waiting for a minute. He's gonna be nothing short of thrilled to get some again, regardless. And secondly, most of the men I've worked with (via being a doula) finds the woman who delivered their child to be a superhero. No joke. The fact that their partner was able to handle physically bringing a child into this world, earns that woman a level of respect and admiration that didn't exist prior to their son or daughter being born. And that can be really sexy to a man.
So, don't create fictional movies in your mind by assuming that just because you are feeling a little self-conscious (which is totally understandable) that your partner is looking at you with the same critical eye. Oftentimes, those full breasts, extra thickness and tiny lines are sexy AF to your partner. Hey, if you don't believe me, ask him.
9. Ease Slowly into It
Do you remember back when you gave your virginity (I don't like to use the word "lost" unless it's related to trauma; we know where our virginity "went")? If you were with an unselfish person who truly cared about you, he was prepared to take things slow because the first few times getting used to sex was probably awkward, uncomfortable and maybe even painful. That moment in time can actually help you to prepare for this one. While you do pretty much know what to expect when it comes to sex, getting used to it while your body is still getting readjusted can also result in awkwardness, uncomfortableness and maybe even a little bit of pain. There's no need to rush into what you're not fully ready for. Take your time. The more patient that you and your partner are with one another, the more at ease you will become, and the better sex can be (again).
10. Remember, Your Baby’s Too Young to Know
When you're trying to balance your sex life with a new baby, sometimes, you've gotta get in where you fit in. While I'm personally not a fan of babies being in the bed, pretty much from day one (co-sleepers are a dope alternative, though), whether your baby is in your bed or in the room with you, don't worry about if you've got to have sex with them in your presence. A lot of professionals say that babies don't start to cultivate lasting memories until around the 14-18 month mark and even then, it's usually nothing too substantial (lasting memories start to occur around three or so). So, have sex…whenever. Your baby won't remember a thing. Promise.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up. We drop xoNecole events and special opportunities into our Tribe first.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- How To Fix A Sexless Marriage - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love ... ›
- Here's How Your First Time Having Sex Can Still Affect You ›
- I'm Too Tired To Have Sex - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love ... ›
- Best Time Of The Month: Sex & Conception - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- A Sexpert & Mother Of Five Shares 7 Bedroom Tips That Are Perfect ... ›
- Motherhood Made Me Lose My Sex Drive - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- The Reason We Stopped Having Sex After Our First Child ... ›
- Best Sex Positions That Are Safe For Pregnant Women - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Sex after a baby: 10 questions to ask yourself | NCT ›
- When Can You Have Sex After Having a Baby? ›
- Sex After Birth: How Long After Birth Can You Have Sex? ›
- Sex After Birth: What to Expect and How Long to Wait ›
- Sex After Birth: What to Do When It Just Doesn't Feel the Same ... ›
- 11 Ways To Ease Back Into Sex After Giving Birth ›
- 8 Surprising Truths About Sex After Birth | Parents ›
- Having sex after giving birth can be painful — here are 6 ways to help ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
These 11 Married Couples Share Their Keys To Long-Term Marital Success
The late actor Audrey Hepburn once said something that I think a lot of married couples who have at least 10 years under their belt will agree with: “If I get married, I want to be very married.” In my mind, this means very committed, very complementary, and very willing to go the distance — otherwise, what’s the point?
Really, what’s the point?
Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
Getty Images
1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
Getty Images
4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
Getty Images
7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
Getty Images
9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
____
Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Jasper Cole/Getty Images