4 Mental Wellness Books That Aren’t CBT Related
As a person who suffers from anxiety, I am always on the hunt for new ways to deal with unpleasant symptoms. Sure, the traditional routes of speaking with a therapist, contacting a friend, and using CBT workbooks have helped me make great improvements, but it never hurts to expand your toolkit.
This year, one of the goals I set for myself was finding ways to independently conquer my fears. Attempting to self-soothe when I'm alone and don't have the mental energy to complete exercises at home left me yearning for more options.
Naturally, as a writer and avid reader, I set my sights on the bookstore. I've always been wary of self-help books and found that the positive effects wane shortly after reading the last chapter. I had a list of my favorite quotes, affirmations, and inspiring speeches on hand in case of emergencies, but I was in search of something life-changing. I did a deep dive into books on religion, performing arts, spirituality, philosophy, and psychiatry.
A universal truth that was communicated throughout almost all of the works I read was that the person most equipped to guide you towards an anxiety-free future is yourself.
I'll admit that no matter how close I've gotten to my therapist, family, or friends, there are just some things I am taking to the grave! However, being brutally honest with myself has some perks that have allowed me to work towards a better version of myself in the comfort of my own home. I've learned these skills from a few non-traditional self-help books.
These 4 books have stuck with me throughout the years. Words from each chapter have sat in the back of my mind, silently working their magic and allowing me to become a more positive, open-minded individual.
'Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality' by Anthony De Mello
Amazon
I love a sturdy hardcover or paperback edition, but I love this book so much that I also have it in eBook form so I can access it anywhere. The author, Anthony De Mello, was a Jesuit priest with refreshingly progressive views. He believed that the cause of anxiety stemmed from rigid beliefs and the unwillingness to examine them.
"There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them."
Awareness is chock-full of funny anecdotes from De Mello's own life. One common theme throughout the book is that people's interpretations of a situation are a direct result of their conditioning and current disposition.
"If you find me charming, it means that right now you're in a good mood, nothing more."
"We see people and things not as they are, but as we are."
At less than 200 pages, Awareness is a quick and insightful read that can increase self-awareness while providing a few laughs along the way.
‘The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself’ by Michael A. Singer
Amazon
I was sold on this book from the title of the first chapter alone ("The Voice Inside Your Head"). This lighthearted spirituality-based book is paced perfectly which ultimately leads to the shocking revelation that you have complete control of your annoying "inner roommate". Nope, I don't mean the person who you go half on rent and utilities, I'm talking about your constant internal dialogue.
"There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind - you are the one who hears it"
It doesn't stop at acquiring self-awareness for Singer, he takes it a step further by showing you how to serve your annoying roommate an eviction notice.
"When a problem is disturbing you, don't ask, 'What should I do about it?' Ask, 'What part of me is being disturbed by this?'
Much like De Mello, Singer wants you to challenge your beliefs instead of suppressing negative feelings. You'll find that approaching problems that way helps resolve minor issues almost instantly. Now that you've shown negativity the door, you can choose which thoughts you want to engage with or let go of because:
"The truth is that most of life will unfold in accordance with forces far outside your control, regardless of what your mind says about it."
‘Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life’ by Anne Lamott
The Good Copy
Although Bird by Bird is partly a book geared toward improving writing skills, Lamott's advice can be used by anyone regardless of their chosen field. Especially because the author believes the best work comes from people who write for themselves. She gives practical advice that is often overlooked in a society that praises ambition at the risk of your mental health. There is absolutely nothing wrong with competing in a race to the top, but enjoying the journey would certainly make it more fulfilling spiritually and financially.
"We are a species that needs and wants to understand who we are. Sheep lice do not seem to share this longing, which is one reason why they write so little. But we do. We have so much we want to say and figure out."
Whether you might be anxious to pick up a new hobby or change careers, Lamott's best advice is simply to get started without worrying about how others might perceive your actions.
"Don't look at your feet to see if you are doing it right. Just dance."
‘Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Toward Self-Realization’ by Karen Horney, MD
The most badass thing about Karen Horney's studies is that she challenged Sigmund Freud's views on feminine psychology which she criticized for being wide off the mark. She directly responded to some of his most popular theories in her book aptly titled Feminine Psychology.
As a psychoanalyst whose career began in the early 1900s, Horney is not for the faint of heart. However, Neurosis and Human Growth break the human psyche down in layman's terms. This classic self-help book will leave your jaw on the floor.
"The neurotic, as long as he must adhere to his illusions about himself, cannot recognize limitations, the search for glory goes into the unlimited. Because the main goal is the attainment of glory, he becomes uninterested in the process of learning, of doing, or of gaining step by step — indeed, tends to scorn it. He does not want to climb a mountain; he wants to be on the peak. Hence he loses the sense of what evolution or growth means, even though he may talk about it. Because, finally, the creation of the idealized self is possible only at the expense of truth about himself, its actualization requires further distortions of truth, imagination being a willing servant to this end."
At times, some passages hit too close to home but also reminded me that the anxieties we deal with today are far from unique.
"It is naturally a sign of inner liberation when a patient can squarely recognize his difficulties and take them with a grain of humor. But some patients at the beginning of analysis make incessant jokes about themselves or exaggerate their difficulties in so dramatic a way that they will appear funny, while they are at the same time absurdly sensitive to any criticism. In these instances, humor is used to take the sting out of otherwise unbearable shame."
Her scientific but simple approach to self-analysis differs only in delivery from De Mello, Singer, and Lamott's, but the lesson is the same. It's always great to maintain a variety of resources for mental wellness, and self-analysis shouldn't be used in lieu of professional help. But take pride in knowing that you are the most valuable resource when it comes to overcoming any obstacle.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
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Chantel Turner is a Los Angeles based writer who's passionate about mental health, philosophy, and pop culture. You can reach me by email at CTTWrites[at]gmail.com or https://chantelturner.contently.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Just When This Couple Was Ready To Delete Dating Apps, They Matched & The Rest Is History
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
There was a time when the question, "Does he give you butterflies?” was always associated with happy feelings and positivity. But between love bombing, situationships, stories like Reesa Teesa, and the overwhelming number of bad dating stories, many millennials have become hesitant – even cautious – of feeling chemistry too early. Nevertheless, the truth remains: if intentions are genuine, there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging the spark sooner rather than later.
Frederick and Josephanie Buffington are a beautiful testament of this notion. During our discussion, they humorously walked me through how they connected, their immediate attraction, and how they’ve been able to passionately follow these feelings all the way to the altar. The couple attributes their exciting new marriage to discovering who they were individually and knowing what they desire from partnership prior to meeting. Check out their story below.
How and where did you two meet?
Frederick: Well, I’m a Southern gentleman from Arkansas. It’s not really my thing to get into dating apps and stuff like that. But after being in Atlanta for a while and talking to a friend from the area, she explained why she deals with them, and it made sense to me. So I gave it a try, and it failed about eighteen times (laughs). But when I was on the verge of hanging it up, a pretty little thing popped up on my screen.
Josephanie: I actually got on the app that day to delete it. I was like, I’m done with this, and I don’t want to do this anymore. But I saw him and was like, let’s wait a second. And he sent me a message, we matched, and the same day he called me. We ended up talking on the phone for like seven hours, and that was like it for us.
"I actually got on the app that day to delete it. I was like, I’m done with this, and I don’t want to do this anymore. But I saw him and was like, let’s wait a second. And he sent me a message, we matched, and the same day he called me. We ended up talking on the phone for like seven hours, and that was like it for us."
Were you attracted instantly, or did it develop over time?
Josephanie: No. Nah, I’m just kidding – I was always attracted to him.
Frederick: Yeah, she has always been this fine.
xovelshee/ Instagram
Walk me through the courtship. Did y'all ever have that awkward “what are we convo, and who initiated it?
Josephanie: No, we didn’t have that conversation. Because it went so fast, after date three, we decided we were doing this.
Frederick: By then we had talked about life goals and everything enough that we realized if we went different ways, we would be stupid.
And what made you want to commit to a relationship with one another? How did you know it was special?
Josephanie: Because it went so fast. It was like a whirlwind, and usually, I steer clear of those. But this was fun, intense, and energy-filled. So I was like, let’s just ride this wave and see where it takes us.
Frederick: Yeah, and we ended up here. I’m really picky about everything. For me, it was like 2-3 weeks in when I realized she wasn’t getting on my nerves, so I knew it was something there. It sounds funny, but I’m serious. Like, I used to get to a point in dating where I’d start thinking a woman breathed funny or just something random would turn me off. This was different. I was just enjoying it. And still, no matter who I’m in the presence of or who approaches me, I just don’t see anything trumping this.
"It was like a whirlwind, and usually, I steer clear of those. But this was fun, intense, and energy-filled. So I was like, let’s just ride this wave and see where it takes us."
xovelshee/ Instagram
Speaking of time, what do you do to keep the relationship spicy?
Josephanie: That’s all me. (laughs)
Frederick: That’s where her career as a sex therapist comes in. (laughs).
I love that approach. I’m curious what did you two learn in your single season?
Josephanie: I got to know myself and put emphasis on my intrinsic value. It’s not about 'what I’m bringing to the table.' It’s about who I am as an individual, and what my value is, and where my value lies. That’s not about what I’m doing but who I am.
Frederick: Yeah, I figured out who I was before I got with her, too. Outside of social media and what your friends/family think, it’s important to figure out what you like because, ultimately, you’re going to have to live with that decision. So know who you are and let them know who you are. During my single season, I took the time to really know myself and I focused on what I like. Again, I’m picky. So, I had to figure out what I really liked before I drove someone else crazy. And then she was patient with me, so I ended up making a good choice (laughs).
xovelshee/ Instagram
What was the biggest challenge that you had to overcome together?
Josephanie: I recently had surgery. So, I had 64 fibroids, a major abdominal myomectomy. I couldn’t do anything for myself, and he was there 24/7. I was in the hospital for 5 to 6 days, and he slept on the floor the whole time.
Fredrick: And those floor mats were not there for everybody. Her mother was there too – shoutout to her mother. That was definitely something very challenging that we got through together.
Finally, what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Frederick: Her booty. No, I’m just playing. I’ll give it to you in order: her confidence, intelligence, humor, and then the booty and smile.
Josephanie: My favorite thing about him is that he is the epitome of Black boy joy. He’s always laughing, he’s always smiling. There’s always jokes. His personality radiates. You can’t help but want to be in his presence.
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Feature image by T Fash Images