If You've Always Wanted A 'Lubricant Cheat Sheet,' Here Ya Go
Goodness, y'all. I don't know if this started off as being some twisted TikTok challenge or what, but you'll never guess what some folks are using as lubricant these days? Freakin' toothpaste. Yep, you heard me. Just like I don't get why people use toothpaste on pimples (why would you put that on any kind of lesion or open wound?!), when you think about how thick, sticky and strong toothpaste is, how in the world does it seem like it would be a good look when it comes to making sex wetter—or better? Chile, I promise you I don't know. Hmph. From what I've read, all it basically does is create genital burning, potential scarring, and a big ol' mess.
I'm hoping that none of the xoTribe is out here using what they brush their teeth with on anything else, but I will say that reading about all of that ridiculousness did inspire me to write up a lil' something on how to choose the right kind of lubricant. Not that natural bodily fluids aren't bomb or anything, but sometimes, bringing a little extra slip to the table—well, bedroom—can be what makes sex even more extraordinary. Feel me?
If you're a lubrication fan, but you're not always sure how to get about getting the kind that's best for you, here are 10 facts that can make the selection process so much easier.
1. Water-Based Lube Is Most Popular. Silicone-Based Lube Lasts the Longest.
I'm thinking that water-based lubricant is probably the most popular simply because a lot of people aren't as aware of the other options. As far as what its benefits are, it's pretty good if you happen to have sensitive skin or are prone to irritation. Another benefit is it easily washes out of fabric. The downside is it tends to have a residue to it that can be a bit on the sticky side. Plus, it is an absolute no-no when it comes to shower sex (you would need a different kind of lubricant; something "slicker" than water).
This is where silicone-based lube comes in. It has way more slip, you can use it in water, and you don't have to keep reapplying it (like you do with the water-based kind). So, is there a downside to lube that's made from silicone? I guess it all depends on how you look at it. It's thicker, so you can't just rinse it off with water; you usually need soap too. But if you plan on cleaning up after sex anyway, I hardly see how (or why) that should be a deterrent. Do you?
2. Don’t Use Silicone-Based Lube with Silicone Sex Toys
OK, so this is one of those points that will probably seem really obvious to some and not so obvious to others. While yes, it is totally safe to use silicone-based lube with condoms, what you do need to avoid is using it with any sex toys that may have silicone in them. The reason is because putting this kind of lube on them can actually break down the silicone material over time. When that happens, your toys can start to become a personal breeding ground for bacteria. Yuck.
3. Oil-Based Lubes Should Be for Unprotected Sex Only
If you prefer oil-based lubes, that's cool. Well, it's cool if you and your partner have been tested for STDs and you are in an honest and exclusive relationship. If there is a place where condoms and lubes do not work hand in hand, it's when it comes to lubes that have any oil in them. Oil can break down latex which defeats the entire purpose of wearing a condom in the first place.
That's why, unless you're going to have unprotected sex (or give your man a hand job), it really is best to go with a lubricant that's made out of water or silicone. Otherwise, you could end up with a few surprises.
4. There Is Such a Thing As Powder, Cream, and CBD-Based Lubricants, Too
Another option on the market are lubes that come in powder form. Yeah, that might sound a little counterproductive at first, but the reason some people prefer to go this route is because they can control how thick or thin they want their lubrication to be. And just how are they able to do that? Well, since water must be added to the lube, a little or a lot is what ultimately determines the consistency. A popular brand, for example, is X Lube.
If anal sex is more of your thing, cream lubes are something that you should have somewhere in your collection. They're thicker and longer lasting. I'm pretty sure I don't have to explain why that works in your favor when it comes to…backdoor activities. One of the oldest brands around is B. Cumming Elbow Grease Original Lubricant Cream. Just make sure to keep in mind that it's mineral-oil based. Yep—that means it can wreak havoc on latex condoms, so use wisely. (By the way, EROS has a line that is silicone-based that has some pretty strong reviews, too.)
Oh, and if you love all things CBD, we did an article on lubricant that is made from it as well. You can check that out here.
5. Warming Lubricants Suck When It Comes to Vaginal Dryness
If vaginal dryness is something that you struggle with, avoid using a lube that is packaged as being a "warming lubricant". More times than not, they've got glycerin in them and that is an ingredient that, ironically, will only dry you out more at some point. Come to think of it, if you are prone to yeast infections, that's another reason to leave lubes that contain glycerin alone. They have been known to irritate the vagina and throw off one's pH balance. I'm pretty sure you'll agree when I say that no lube is worth all of that.
6. Use “Sperm-Friendly” Lube If You’re Trying to Get Pregnant
Here's something that you may not have known. There is some research that indicates lubricants can directly affect sperm motility. What that basically means is, if you're trying to conceive, a lot of lubes can actually work against, rather than for, you. That's why, if you are trying to make a baby, look for the kind of lubricant that says "sperm-friendly" or "fertility-friendly" on the packaging. A particular brand that comes to mind is Pre-Seed Fertility Friendly Lubricant.
7. It’s Pretty Easy to Make Your Own Lube
Of course, DIY'ing your lubricant is also an option. This basically falls under the category of being a plant-based lube since the ingredients that it takes to make it consists of natural things like aloe vera gel, Vitamin E, coconut oil, cocoa butter and shea butter. The pros with these are they are gentle and organic. Other benefits are they last longer than water-based lubes and are compatible with virtually any sex toy. Plus, since you are making them yourself, you know exactly what is in them. The cons are they aren't compatible with latex condoms and they can be harder to clean up. But, if you would prefer to go the homemade route, you can try out a great recipe here.
8. Lubricants Aren’t Exactly As “Safe” As You Might Think
Dun, dun, dun, dun. While lubes can most definitely make sex more pleasurable, I wouldn't say that it always or automatically makes sex safer. On one hand, it does result in less friction, which is a good thing.
But still—there are reports that lubricants can mess around and increase your chances of getting gonorrhea or chlamydia if you're using them during anal activity. How? Apparently, lube can trigger inflammation, which can make it easier for organisms to spread.
By the way, it's usually ingredients like glycerin, nonoxynol-9, propylene glycol and chlorhexidine gluconate that leads to the inflammation, so if you want to decrease the chances, read the ingredients and make sure these are as low on the list as possible before making a purchase.
9. There Are Five Things to Keep in Mind When Applying Lubricant
Now that you know just about everything you need to in order to make a wise lubricant selection, I thought it would only be right to share a few tips on how to actually apply your lube.
- Put a towel down to prevent staining.
- Warm the lube up with your hands before applying.
- Use a liberal amount during foreplay and right before penetration, for maximal pleasure.
- Apply the lube directly onto the penis or your sex toy of choice right before penetration for best results.
- Remember to reapply as needed; if you feel dry or irritated by sexual friction, that would be your cue.
While it's not super common for lubricants to cause side effects, if you experience any itching or hives, or you or your partner start to have difficulty breathing, discontinue use immediately. Also, take a shower and call your doctor if the symptoms do not subside. Again, this isn't something to get too alarmed about, but I had to make sure that I covered as many bases as possible.
10. Always Remember That Lubricants Do Expire
I'm not sure what makes people think that they can keep the same container of lube for the entire duration of their sex life because nothing could be further from the truth. Actually, a lubricant's clock starts ticking from the very moment you open it up. And just how long does it last once you do? Eh, about a year. So, if you've got anything that's been sitting in your bathroom cabinet or on your bedroom nightstand for longer than that, toss it. It's only gonna do you more harm than good if you don't.
For a list of some of the best lubes on the market, check out NY Mag's "What Is the Best Lube?" And whatever you do, stay away from that toothpaste (SMDH)!
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
From Heartbreak To Healing: The Multifaceted Journey Of Nazanin Mandi
Nazanin Mandi is never out of options.
About a year ago, the 37-year-old life coach and actress was navigating life after divorce and determined to experience homeownership for the first time as a single woman. She’d been married to the R&B singer Miguel for three years, following a long-term relationship that started when she was 18 years old. But, in 2022, she filed for divorce. It was certainly the most public change she made but, in reality, it was just one of many decisions to refocus and reach her full potential in recent years.
“During my 20s, I was not ready for more. I was living a really crazy life. It was unpredictable. I was helping somebody else grow. It was a lot, and it was intense. I was not pouring into myself the way I should’ve been,” she says in an xoNecole exclusive.
Still, as Mandi worked to get to know herself and her needs during this new phase of life, she realized the home she’d purchased wasn’t a good fit. Overwhelmed by the echoing of her voice in the spacious home, she had a breakdown and called her cousin, who immediately suggested she lease the home and live somewhere else. “I woke up in my house, and I was like, ‘This is not it for me,” she says. “All those years, I had been accustomed to living a certain way [and] in a certain house, so I bought myself a house like [my old home]. But my family was not the same. Waking up in that house by myself, it highlighted the divorce. I was like, ‘Oh, no, we can’t do this. This is not it.’ My life has changed, so my choices need to change.” At that moment, Mandi became open to the idea that there wasn’t one set way to achieve ownership on her own.
“I feel so much better. I’m in a smaller place. My best friend lives a minute from me and I can walk to her house,” she tells me during a Zoom interview from her home one recent afternoon in early February. In the past two years, she hasn’t just been advising other people on varying circumstances, she’s also been healing herself.
"During my 20s, I was not ready for more. I was living a really crazy life. It was unpredictable. I was helping somebody else grow. It was a lot, and it was intense. I was not pouring into myself the way I should’ve been."
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
If supporters began following Nazanin Mandi because of her conventional beauty or the contagious, bright, white smile she often wears in many of her photos, that’s likely not the reason they’ve stuck around. Instead, she’s amassed a following based on her transparency about her own anxiety and depression, along with the encouraging messages of self-acceptance, gratitude, ambition, and humility that are often sprinkled into her social media posts.
In an era where looking at Instagram photos of models can often lead to feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, Nazanin Mandi is determined to be more than eye candy. She’s food for her follower’s souls, too.
Since being recruited to model while dining at an In-N-Out at 10 years old, Mandi has worked in many areas of entertainment. The Valencia, California native has modeled for brands such as Olay, Savage X Fenty, and Good American. As a teen, she sang at Carnegie Hall and auditioned for season 1 of American Idol, making it all the way to Hollywood before producers disqualified her for lying about her age. (Mandi was 15 at the time, and contestants had to be at least 16 years old.) Mandi has acted, too, including appearing on Disney’s That’s So Raven as a teenager and on the BET+ series Games People Play and the Prime series Á La Carte in more recent years.
In recent years, though, she’s also expanded her professional goals outside of entertainment, too. After becoming a certified life coach in 2020, Mandi launched the membership platform You Bloome in 2022 with the hopes of providing wellness services to others, including her self-published gratitude journal. “I wish I had access to something like You Bloome earlier in my own life,” she writes on the company’s website. The actress, who has been forthcoming about her struggles with anxiety and depression, has never had a life coach, but credits therapy as a tool that “really, really saved me and it laid the foundation to who I am becoming.”
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
"I’m trying to find the balance between living life and knowing that whatever is meant for me is going to happen, but also know that I’m doing everything in my power to make those things happen and better myself."
While she’s always had a nurturing personality, Mandi says her interest in becoming a life coach was inspired by the women who would message her for advice on social media. “I would answer them back. It really sparked a fire within myself to help people,” she says.
You Bloome currently has three membership tiers, ranging in price from $2.99 to $39.99 per month. The highest tier offers a motivational text message twice a week, two live, group coaching sessions per month, and more. “We get emotional. We cry. We laugh. It’s really beautiful. I’ve built close relationships with my members through this. It’s been inspiring both ways,” Mandi says of the sessions. Still, the founder says she hopes to take on more motivational and keynote speaking opportunities in the future with the hopes of impacting as many people as possible.
And, she’s hoping to do all of this while continuing to explore a career as an entertainer.
At this point in her life, Mandi says she’s gained enough perspective on modeling, music, and acting to realize what she wants to prioritize moving forward. “We are going full force with acting,” she says, noting her goal is “to book a series regular or a film that impacts my career and the world.” She plans to continue to model, too, but has no desire to pursue music.
“I don’t want any part of that because I know what that life entails,” she says. “I don’t want to tour. I don’t want to do any of that. That is not where my heart is at.”
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
If you ask Mandi, she’ll tell you she feels most comfortable in front of a camera, but she’ll also admit that she’s recently experienced a lot of imposter syndrome when thinking about her acting career. “I think it’s a fear of not succeeding,” she says. If anything, she adds, she’s harder on herself now than she’s ever been. “There were distractions before. There’s no distractions now,” she says. “I’m putting pressure on myself for no reason.”
This is where the life coach’s own personal healing comes into play. Mandi says she’s learning recently that “slow progress is still big progress at the end of the day.”
“Currently, I’m trying to find the balance between living life and knowing that whatever is meant for me is going to happen, but also know that I’m doing everything in my power to make those things happen and better myself,” she adds.
Still, one of Mandi’s strengths is that she doesn’t feel the pressure to limit herself to just one passion. From working as a life coach to pursuing acting, she has given herself grace to explore all other dreams.
“We can be allowed to be many different things in this lifetime,” she says. “As people, our identities are allowed to expand. Don’t put us in a fucking box. I cannot live that way anymore.”
For more of Nazanin, follow her on Instagram @nazaninmandi.
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Featured image by Solmaz Saberi
12 Women Speak On Signs That You're Getting Married For The WRONG Reasons
If there’s one saying that low-key irks me, it’s “Everything happens for a reason.” Duh, and you don’t say. I don’t even know why that is supposed to come off as being any type of profound, do you? Nah, to me, I think life should be about “everything happening with a purpose,” — and that’s why, when it comes to my own life purpose (which has a lot to do with covenant-based relationships), I am so intentional about doing everything that I can to make sure that people don’t just get married for the right reasons; they need to choose the right person too.
Otherwise, they could end up in the world of an Anne Bancroft quote that says, “If you marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons, then no matter how hard you work, it's never going to work, because then you have to completely change yourself, completely change them, completely — by that time, you're both dead.”
Now, do I 1000 percent believe that marrying the wrong person for the wrong reasons equates to automatic disaster, no matter what? No. I know couples who did just that (at least on some level), and yet, because they took their vows seriously, they actually chose to make their marriage work. In fact, many of them told me that it matured them in ways that they never would have otherwise. However, that’s a huge gamble. Besides, wouldn’t it just be better to do things the right way from the jump? And that includes making sure that your motives are in a healthy and honest place before standing in front of God, your family and friends, and “him” and making all sorts of promises and pledges.
Signs You're Getting Married for the Wrong Reasons
So, let’s take some preventative measures today, shall we? With the help of 12 women in my world, I’m about to share with you some clear signs that when it comes to marriage, if these are your motives, there’s a very big possibility that you are getting married for the wrong reasons — and that could make the purpose of marriage a real struggle for you…in ways that you may not notice until it’s far too late.
*Middle names are always used in my interview pieces so that people are able to speak super freely*
1. Ursula. 41. Married for Six Years.
“Your clock. Getting married because you want to have kids, so you rush into marriage in order to do so, is something that you will regret on levels that you cannot begin to imagine because you’re assuming that all you need to do is get a husband and everything will automatically fall into place. What if you have trouble conceiving? What if you and your husband don’t have the same values as far as rearing children? What if he changes his mind and doesn’t want kids at all? Children are a blessing. Even more so if you are raising them with someone who is going to make the process easier for you — and that means choosing a good man over just someone who can be your children’s father. If you’re looking for sperm more than a husband, you are on a dangerous road, sis.”
2. Shalawndria. 30. Divorced.
“DO NOT GET MARRIED BECAUSE YOU ARE LONELY. I’m pretty sure Shellie can attest to the fact that there are a lot of lonely wives out here. And besides, if you’re expecting a man to fill voids that you can’t even fill yourself, you are in for a world full of heartache — and I know what I’m talking about. I got married because, rather than doing self-work, I expected my man to ‘fix’ it all. Being a spouse is already a full-time job; no one wants to be a fill-in therapist, too. Love is great, and I’m still a believer, but if you think that your partner’s job is to heal you, you will end up in divorce court faster than I did. Heal first. Then, pick a husband. You’ll choose differently.”
"Love is great, and I'm still a believer, but if you think that your partner's job is to heal you, you will end up in divorce court faster than I did. Heal first. Then, pick a husband. You'll choose differently."
3. Maxine. 50. Divorced for Three Years.
“Don’t get married to get over someone else. It doesn’t work. Women love to talk about men cheating, but a lot of us have emotional affairs that we try to justify, or we rationalize staying in touch with someone from our past who should’ve been cut off a long time ago. If there is a man who still gives you butterflies, who you still kinda stalk on socials, or who you even send a ‘Happy Birthday’ message to on an annual basis — you need to get yourself all the way together before saying ‘I do.’ I know of what I speak. I thought that getting married to a good man is what would get me past the love of my life. Hmph. No man is good enough when you’re not completely over someone. Don’t drag anyone into all of that. Get off that man first. And if you don’t want to, stay single instead of being in a relationship.”
4. Taleeyah. 29. Married for Two Years.
“I didn’t realize how ‘rough I was around the edges’ until I got married. Because, let’s not act like we aren’t biased when it comes to how we see ourselves — and our friends? Sometimes, they don’t want to tell us what we need to hear either because they don’t want to hurt our feelings or, let’s be real, they don’t feel like going through the drama. But when you’re sharing a bathroom and bedroom with someone, it’s pretty hard to hide who you really are — and that means that you are gonna hear about yourself whether you want to hear it or not. I could go on about this all day, but the best way to condense the point is, ‘If you don’t want to be held accountable on a regular basis’, don’t get married. Thinking that this man is only going to tell you how awesome you are all of the time without calling you out is the grandest delusion of relationships. Well, marital ones.”
5. Edin. 47. Married for 21 Years.
“Looking for your husband to treat you like your dad. Shellie counseled us for a season, and she brought up something that I never thought about before: daughters are princesses; wives are queens. You shouldn’t expect your husband to treat you like your dad would because you’re an adult as a wife. If you’re expecting to just sit around and be doted on all day long while you spend a man’s money, you need to get a season pass to the movie theater, not get married. If your father is doing a bang-up job, he's preparing you for how to live with a man, compromise with a man, and yes, as much as some of you don’t want to hear it, respect a man. He will make it to where you can be in harmony with someone who is the same gender as him. You’re not a little girl anymore, and nothing will wake you up to that fact like marriage will. Trust me.”
6. Tarren. 33. Engaged for a Year.
“A distraction. This isn’t my first engagement, and it’s my fault that the last one didn’t work out. There was stuff that I didn’t want to face when it came to my career, some family drama, and my finances, and so I used a relationship as a distraction. What I didn’t prepare myself for was the reality that you can only run for so long — there are only so many dates, trips, and gifts before you have to face the reality that you have to deal with some things, and it’s not fair to drag someone into your mess just because you don’t want to. Marriage doesn’t make your mess go away. If anything, marriage makes it stare you dead in your face until you deal with it. My engagement is longer than I planned now because I want to make sure that I don’t do to this man what I did to my ex. He’s grateful, and so am I.”
"Marriage doesn’t make your mess go away. If anything, marriage makes it stare you dead in your face until you deal with it. My engagement is longer than I planned now because I want to make sure that I don’t do to this man what I did to my ex. He’s grateful, and so am I."
7. Arlee. 38. Divorced for Six Years.
“Don’t get married as a financial bailout plan — and don’t act like some of you haven’t been thinking about it. It’s not someone else’s job or responsibility to pay off your student loans, pay off your credit cards, or get your savings account out of the negative. Shellie talks often about how women are supposed to be the helpmates, but so many are weighing men down with all of these problems that they had before their guy ever arrived. She’s right. You are helping no one if your finances are a hot ass mess. If your financial plan is to get a husband to fix your BS, you are totally getting married for the wrong reasons.”
8. Keelah. 26. Engaged for Three Months.
“I come from a line of women who ignored the little voice in their head that told them not to get married to the men that they did. From where I stand, that is the greatest example of getting married for the wrong reason. It’s not unrealistic to say that getting married should be one of the best times of your entire life — including one of the most peaceful. When I think of my bae, I don’t have one hesitation, question, or fear. I don’t feel like I’m rushing, or avoiding, or in denial. We’ve welcomed therapy for ourselves, counseling with each other, and insights from those who care about us.
"We’ve asked each other some really hard questions and have slowed things down when we didn’t have immediate answers. If your intention is to take marriage seriously, you can’t treat it like a high school science experiment…like, ‘Welp, that didn’t work. Oh well.’ Thinking that you can just keep getting married over and over again sounds like you think marriage is a game. My advice? Whatever is telling you to wait, you should do it until you figure out what that’s all about. If you don’t, and you jump a broom anyway — I’m not sure there could be a worse reason to get married.”
9. Beven. 31. Married for Four Years.
“PLEASE don’t get married to change someone. How would you feel if someone did that to you? If you can’t marry someone just as they are right now, either they aren’t the one for you, or you need to learn how to not be such a control freak. Too many people treat their partner like a project; that’s frustrating for them and exhausting for you. A part of what comes with loving someone is accepting them. If you aren’t prepared to do that, push the wedding date back.”
10. Aniyah. 36. Divorced for Six Months.
“Ask a room full of women what their wedding day is going to be like, and they’ve got every detail down. Ask them what kind of wife they plan to be, and if you listen really carefully, it’s usually about what they expect to receive more than give. It’s like they think that marriage is one long wedding day. It’s not. Even though my divorce is fairly new, I’m not jaded about marriage. What I will say is I was delusional about what it required before I did it. A wife requires a lot. Learn as much as you can about it before getting married. Don’t do like I did and find out that what you thought you signed for isn’t what you’re in.”11. Yumi. 29. Married for Five Years.
“You want someone to love you more than you love you, that’s the wrong reason. Men are different than we are anyway, so they aren’t going to express themselves in the way that we would to ourselves — if that makes sense. Like, I’m big on pampering. My husband is more practical. He budgets so that I can go all out about four times a year on spa days and stuff, but is he going to plan it out? He’s not. If I spent a lot of time trying to get him to be how I am, we’d both be pissed. While you’re single, get into the habit of how to love yourself so that the pressure doesn’t fall solely on your husband when you get married. Some people wait for a mate to treat themselves a certain way. That mistake is HUGE.”
12. Denaye. 52. Married for 34 Years.
“Have mercy! PLEASE DO NOT GET MARRIED THINKING THAT YOUR MARRIAGE IS GOING TO BE JUST LIKE SOMEONE ELSE’S! I don’t care if it’s your best friend, your mama, or some couple at church. Too many women are out here competing with each other, whether they realize it or not, and it’s because they play the comparison game. Just like no two people are alike, no two marriages are either. So, if you plan on getting married only to wear your man out with all of this ‘So-and-so’s husband does such-and-such’ — do you and him a favor and just…don’t. You can go to other people for advice, but ultimately, you have to figure out how to customize what works best for you and yours…and others have nothing to do with that.”
Shellie here: And yes, she asked me to “scream” (via all caps) that entire sentence; that is just how much she meant it, chile.
___
An actor by the name of Jonathan Pryce once said, “Even a good decision, if made for the wrong reasons, can be a wrong decision.” Greater words have not been spoken when it comes to marriage. So, if marriage is high on your priority list right through here, I really hope that you take all of the wisdom that was just shared to heart.
Marriage is one of, if not the, biggest decisions that you will ever make.
Don’t make it for the wrong reasons.
It’s not worth it. It really isn’t.
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