
I found freedom y'all, and I refuse to give it up. I am not ready to give it up. I don't want to give it up.
Well, at least not quite yet.
If you grew up in the 1980s, 1990s, or early 2000s the majority of women are raised to pursue higher education, build a career, secure the bag, invest in property, buy a home, be a wife, and a mother. For generations upon generations, this societal standard has always been the American dream. It is what we measure our worth by. It is what we believe is happiness; the things we own, the things we have accomplished, and the titles we have earned.
And we are to believe we must achieve all of these things in our twenties and thirties.
Say what, and says who?
Now, don't get me wrong, we as women, and our role in society has most definitely transformed.
We are resiliently multifaceted. We are boss SHEeos, entrepreneurs, doctors, law enforcement officers, firefighters, pilots, scientists, officers in the military, and G.O.A.T athletes on top of being wives and mothers. We are leading in male-dominated industries and we have a 17-year-old Swedish girl on the other side of the world advocating for climate change. We as women have come up and came through tenfold. We have shown our worth to the world in a gender-biased society. Clap for yourselves ladies because we do this effortlessly and more importantly, it is done with grace.
Yet, there are times we often lose ourselves to this so-called American dream.
We lose our identity while maintaining a family, a career, an image, or living up to expectations that are not our own. We slowly unravel without notice until we do not know our reflection in the mirror. We stop looking in the mirror because all we see is a stranger in a body. And to try to pull yourself out of a dark place seems impossible.
I lost myself assuming an identity that was not my own.
I had a respectable career. I had a fancy career title. I had a six-figure salary. I dressed the part, faked the role, played the game, sold the lie, but it was not fulfilling. Nor was it me. I had no control over my life so by choice I let it all go. Sometimes being a straight arrow is so blinding. Sometimes tradition is so misleading. Sometimes we outgrow cultural norms. You start to come to a point where you ask yourself, "Who am I doing all of this for?"
The answer is, "Not for me."

I was able to find myself again and I am still exploring parts of myself unknown; undoing conditioned thoughts and behavior.
I am free and I have never been happier.
The American dream has been redefined, shifted, flipped, and reversed. We live in a society that is becoming spiritually woke. With this widespread shift, more and more women are becoming spiritually aligned.
Some women are walking away from stressful careers and opting for simplicity. We are living in different countries and experiencing new cultures. We are renovating vans to be living spaces and taking road trips. We are mastering our craft and learning new skills. We're doing whatever it takes to live the life we dream of. And you know what? We are completely happy.
It's peace, purpose, and freedom over everything.

We adopt and alter what is aligned with our authentic selves. This shift in thinking and alignment to self has made me realize your twenties and thirties are meant to be lived and lived fully.
It's a time for silly mistakes, lessons learned, knowledge, new experiences, exploration, and travel. It's a time for being eccentric, vibrant, and authentic. It's a time for digging deep into yourself with thought-provoking questions. It's about creating a life you love for yourself before sharing it with anyone else.
It's about pouring into your cup (mentally, emotionally, and physically) and the only commitment you should have is to honor yourself first. I mean hey, if that man comes along, and he is aligned with all that you're doing — co-create this life together.
But wait, so what are your forties for?
After everything is said and done, I think it's perfectly OK to settle down in your forties. At least, that is what I have decided for myself. Yes, I know, this may happen before I enter my forties. Women are getting married and having children later, regardless of the path chosen to get there. It is also our new normal. A friend of mine, once married and divorced, selflessly decided to raise a child on her own. By the way, she is a boss marine, fitness competitor, and mother to a beautiful little girl. My mother was pregnant with me at 34 years old and a cousin delivered her last baby at 43 years old.
Now, here I am at 35 still living my best life.
GiphyAre women selfish because they choose a less traditional route? I think we have the right to be, I mean look at how far we have come. Are women who choose themselves for a little bit longer doing so out of fear? No, I think we just want to live a life without regret.
Women can be successful in all areas of their lives. It is never going to be linear or based on a timeline either. Success will never manifest in a specific order. If you were to ask me four years ago if I saw myself having the freedom I do now, I would have not even imagined it.
I still would have been tied to conditioned beliefs, traditions, societal norms, and timelines. Timelines set forth by none other than my father. After all that I have accomplished–let me tell you he is still not satisfied, and I still do not care. I check the boxes off my own list.
Everyone has their path to follow, some are more spiritually aligned than others, and some are just beginning their journey, and that's OK. People find themselves in the process, through experiences, and often through trauma. My only wish for all women is to create a life you love with your own rules and standards. It is never too late to start.
We write our own stories.
We define our own success.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Originally published on September 27, 2020
Roscoe Dash joined xoMan host Kiara Walker to share the journey of his personal and spiritual evolution—from the party anthems that made him famous to a deeper life rooted in faith, family, and purpose. This episode offers an honest look at how the artist has grown beyond early fame, addressing fatherhood, masculinity, creativity, and healing.
Dash opened up about the internal transformation that has guided him away from chasing the spotlight and toward seeking peace. “Faith and fear can’t occupy the same space,” he said, underscoring his shift toward a more spiritually grounded life. Throughout the interview, he emphasized the importance of self-reflection:
“The most important conversations to me, honestly, outside of the ones you have with God, is the ones you have with yourself in the mirror.”
Dash is focused on the man he’s become. “I’m not the accolades I’ve achieved—I’m the person who achieved them,” he added, pointing to a broader understanding of identity and worth. A large part of that growth has come through fatherhood, especially raising daughters, which he said has deepened his understanding of love. “Love is unconditional and love loves to love no matter what,” he shared.
He also spoke candidly about the pressures of fame and its impact on creativity. “Chasing fame can kill your creativity as a musician,” he warns. Instead, his advice to other artists is simple but clear: “Keep your focus on your art form, whatever that may be, and stay passionate.”
The conversation also touches on gender dynamics and emotional safety in relationships. “Safe men make soft women. If she feels safe, she’ll melt like butter,” he said, challenging traditional notions of masculinity. Roscoe also offers wisdom on discernment and spiritual testing: “Sometimes the devil will give you what looks better than your blessing.”
Ultimately, Dash has learned to embrace peace over chaos. “All I can do is control what I can control. And that's how I respond to things and what I'm giving out,” he said. It’s a thoughtful, soulful side of Roscoe Dash that many may not expect—but one that leaves a lasting impression.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by xoNecole/YouTube
Salt Water. Chlorine. How To Keep Swimming From Damaging Your Hair.
Being in the water (beyond a bathtub). Hmph. Personally, when I think about my childhood, some of my very first memories consist of spending time in the water. That’s why I find myself rolling my eyes whenever I hear someone flippantly say that “Black folks can’t swim.”
Actually, more of us can than not. In fact, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, somewhere around one-third of us claim to not be able to swim — and if you remember fractions in math from elementary school, that by no means is the majority.
And that is exactly why I enjoy writing articles like this one — because while some of even the non-swimmers will put on a bathing suit and dip their toes in the water, there are a ton of us who are going to full body ourselves into a swimming pool or ocean before Labor Day arrives.
If you’re one of those individuals, just so that your hair remains healthy and strong for the fall and winter seasons, I wanted to include a few tips that will help you to protect your tresses from the chemicals of the pool and salt of the ocean.
1. Use a Swim Cap
I ain’t got no lies to tell you — in my mind, the only real reason to use a swim cap is to keep your hair from getting wet. However, after I read an article on a brand called Power Woman’s site, it convinced me that every woman should probably have one in their possession.
Long story short, it stated that swim caps, yes, significantly reduce the amount of water that gets in your hair; however, they also protect your hair from potentially damaging chemicals; make it easier for you to move faster in the water (which would explain why professional swimmers rock them); help to keep your body warm; reduce the amount of water that gets into your ears, and they’re good for the water that you are swimming in because, the less hair that is in it, the better it is for the water and the environment overall.
If you need some help selecting one, a cap that is a fan favorite when it comes to keeping hair completely dry is here; some caps for locs are located here and some highly-reviewed caps, in general, can be found here.
2. Soak Your Hair with Fresh Water
If you would prefer to go without a swim cap, because pools contain chlorine and ocean water is salt water — and both can be potentially damaging to your hair — make sure to rinse your hair in fresh water before diving in. That way, the fresh water can “coat” your locks and that can decrease how much of the “other water” is able to penetrate your hair’s cuticles.
3. Coat Your Hair with a Carrier Oil
Speaking of coating your hair, something else that you should consider doing is applying a carrier oil — like grapeseed, olive or avocado — to your hair. Since our hair tends to be naturally drier than other ethnicities (because we have a curlier texture which makes it difficult for the sebum on our scalp to coat our strands from root to tip), this means that we have to be hypervigilant about making sure that our hair is extra moisturized; especially when we’re out in the sun and also spending time in the water in the process.
By rinsing your hair in fresh water and then applying a carrier oil to it, that helps your strands to absorb the oil and protect it from the damage that the water — and sun — may try to do. It also makes the detangling process so much easier once you are out of the water and ready to style your hair.
4. Apply a Product That Contains Sunscreen
Speaking of protection from the sun — do any of your hair products have sunscreen in them? If not, it’s time — past time, really — that you got one or two that do. The reality is that UV rays can damage, not only your scalp but your hair follicles, just like they can your skin. So yes, you should definitely put something on your hair (and scalp) that will keep it safe from the sun.
The cool thing about this point is hair products that contain sunscreen come in a variety of forms including sprays, powders and creams. If you’d like to check out some of the more popular options, check out Cosmopolitan’s “9 Best Hair Sunscreens for Max UV Protection (Tested and Reviewed for 2024)” and Allure’s “6 Best Scalp Sunscreens to Protect Your Part.”
5. Dry Your Hair with a Microfiber Towel
As I’ve been on an ever-evolving journey with this hair of mine, I must admit that something that I used to underestimate is how much damage I can do to my tresses if I don’t take my time during the drying process on wash day. I don’t just mean when it comes to the heat styling tools that I use — I mean, how I literally dry my hair after shampooing and conditioning it.
By using a microfiber towel, not only is it gentle on your hair while it's in its fragile state, it also speeds up the drying time while reducing breakage without you having to worry about any lint getting caught up in your strands. The fabric of microfiber towels also tends to be lighter and softer than standard cotton ones which also makes them a huge win as far as proper haircare goes.
6. Try a Protective Style
One of the best things about protective styles is, while you have one, you don’t have to put a ton of thought into styling your hair. And, when it comes to swimming specifically, you also don’t have to worry about a lot of upkeep. You can do whatever you want in the water and, so long as you rinse your hair out once you get out (and towel dry it), you can go on about your day — oftentimes without even looking like you got into the water at all.
So, if you are planning on going on a summer vacation and you’ve got several swimsuits in mind because you plan on getting wet a lot — consider getting some braids or twists. That way, you can spend more time enjoying the break instead of being in the mirror doing your hair.
7. Turn Swim Day into a Semi-Wash Day
Unless you are going to swim with a swim cap on, you’re honestly going to have to do so much to make sure that your hair is healthy and you are happy that you might as well turn swim day into at least a semi-wash day. Shampoo once. Apply conditioner for 5-7 minutes. Have a detangler comb or brush in tow. And make sure to do all of this before your hair dries out and the swim water has set in.
8. If You Went into a Pool, Use a Clarifying Shampoo
I’m pretty sure you know that chlorine is in swimming pools. Oh, but that isn’t the only chemicals that are all up in that water, though. There are also sanitizers, oxidizers (which are on-10 sanitizers), water balancers, filter cleaners and a host of other products too. And if you spend an hour swimming in all of that, it’s definitely going to absorb into your hair. That’s why it’s a good idea to wash your hair (one round should be enough) with a clarifying shampoo. It’s specifically designed to remove product build-up.
9. Put a Leave-In Conditioner on Your Locks
Personally, I’m getting to a point where I think that if you are a Black woman, you should keep a leave-in conditioner in your hair at all times; especially if you have high porosity hair (which means that your hair absorbs moisture as well as loses it quickly) or you’re going to be out in the sun and/or swimming. Leave-in conditioners are bomb because they go out of their way to help your hair to maintain moisture days after your wash day. So, once you wash your hair, make sure to apply a leave-in as a way to provide your tresses with the extra hydration and protection that it needs.
10. Got Braids? Thoroughly Dry Them.
Listen, I’m all for a serious box braid hairstyle for the summer season (check out “If Spring & Summer Are Your Favorite Braid Seasons, Here's How To Make Them Last” and “This Is Your Summertime Protective Style Cheat Sheet”) and, when it comes to swimming, they can be convenient on a few different levels. Just make sure that when you get out of the water, you dry them thoroughly. Otherwise, the combination of synthetic hair and water (long-term) can lead to mildew — and you definitely don’t want that!
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Welp. There you have it. Your haircare cheat sheet; one that will make it so much easier for you to enjoy the water — and the process of getting your hair how you want it once you are out of it. Enjoy sis!
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