It’s Okay To Be Intentional About Finding Love
"Don't go looking for love."
"Love will find you."
I'm pretty sure we've all been told some variation of this before. I'm an Aquarius so it probably comes as no surprise that I don't subscribe to this school of thought. Personally, I think it is okay to be intentional about finding love in a way that is comfortable to you.
It seems we are intentional about everything else in our lives except love. We want a new job, we search for one. We want to further our education, we apply to schools. We want to lose weight and get in shape, we go to the gym and become conscious of what we eat. But when it comes to love, we're supposed to do nothing, wait for it to fall in our laps, and hope for the best.
People have even become embarrassed to admit that they even desire love for fear of sounding desperate. We pretend we are perfectly okay with being by ourselves when the reality is that a lot of us really aren't. Now when I say be intentional about finding love, I don't mean forcing love. Being intentional and open to receiving love are okay and we shouldn't feel bad about it either.
Get into some ways you can be more intentional about finding love:
Heal Thyself
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While I think that we are constantly growing, evolving, and healing, there is a certain level of work that must be done to be able to give and receive love. I met my current boyfriend more than two years ago, but neither of us were in a place to give or receive love so it didn't work. Fast-forward two years later: We reconnected. We both had done the work on ourselves separately. We took time to heal and now things are amazing between us. When I refer to "the work", I mean take time to heal from past traumas, really get to know you, your likes, dislikes, and fall in love with yourself. You can't expect someone else to love you if you don't even love yourself.
Check Your Energy
I've been told in the past by friends and family that my energy and vibe are off for someone that says they are looking for love, but it kind of went in one ear and out the other. However, last year I participated in the 7-Day xoNecole Happy Hour Challenge and it was through this challenge that I realized everyone was right.
Instead of walking around avoiding eye contact, listening to music, and looking at my phone, I accepted the challenge and made eye contact. I spoke to every one of the opposite sex for 7 days. While no love connection was made while participating in the challenge, there were lots of compliments, smiles, and great conversation---a far departure from before.
Put Yourself Out There
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After saying I would never in life try online dating, I gave it a try a couple of years ago. I learned that it wasn't for me, but I never would have known that if I didn't at least try. There are plenty of people who have met the love of their life online. So if you haven't had any luck out in these streets, try online dating for 30 days and see what happens.
If you absolutely know that online dating is not your style, maybe shooting your shot is. It's 2020 and ladies are not shy about jumping in DMs and making the first move when it comes to pursuing love. If after reading that you just thought "Nah, sis," you are not alone. Personally, I was never comfortable with shooting my shot either (I'm awkward). In my single days, I had more assists than actual shots. If I saw a guy that I was interested in, I would compliment him on his shoes or his jacket, and then see what happened from there. Try it.
Get Out Of The House
My mom once asked me if I thought my husband was just going to show up at my front door. She definitely tried it, but she was right. I used to spend most of my time in my apartment.
There was a point when I literally just left my house to go to and from work, to pick up takeout, and to go to Target. After being read by my mom, I made a conscious effort to actually leave my house at least a few times a week. So, whether it was eating in a restaurant instead of getting takeout, attending events, going out with my girls, going to the gym, or going for a walk, I made a point to be in these streets. While this might prove to be a little difficult due to the current state of things, this is definitely a tip to stick a pin in for once we're ready and able to resume our regularly scheduled programming.
Practice Manifestation
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Quit saying you'll never find someone and start saying that you will. Start believing it is possible and that it will happen for you, and then watch it manifest. The reason you're reading this article is because I literally manifested that I would write for xoNecole. So, if it can happen with my writing, it can happen for the love you want, too.
So whether someone met the love of their life in the gym, online, at the grocery store, or in the Uber Pool, there was likely some intentionality that went along with it. If love is what you want, be intentional about it, and don't stop until you find it.
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Featured Image by Shutterstock
- 7 Daily Rituals Intentional Couples Use to Cultivate Lasting Love ›
- 7 habits of intentional people | Caring Magazine ›
- A Seven-Step Prescription for Self-Love | Psychology Today ›
- How to be Intentional in Your Relationship - P.S. I Love You ›
- Intentional Love: 7 Steps You Can Take Now To Manifest Your ... ›
- Self-Love, be Intentional | Caitlyn Roux | TEDxYouth@CapeTown ... ›
- Be intentional in all you do! | Live • Love • Work ›
Erica Green is a Clinical Research Associate, blogger, and a sneakerhead. She has a love for all things women and she's pretty sure that women are God's greatest creation. Connect with her on Instagram @ erica_britt_ or www.lovethegspot.com
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Op-Ed: 'Likability' Should Never Become The Foundation Of Sharing Your Truth
I want to begin by saying I’ve been a fan and supporter of Amanda Seales since My Brother and Me. I’ve always appreciated her wit, candor, and love for Black people and Black culture. That will likely never change, and I am almost certain that there will never be a time when I have the opportunity to stand up and defend a Black woman who is being unfairly judged and villainized that I will stray away from it.
By now I’m sure most of you reading this have seen or heard about, Seales’ Reel from March 16 sharing with her fans how much she appreciated them for showing up for her in ways she felt she wasn't supported in other spaces. She also mentioned various high-profile Black media outlets and award shows for not including her. One of those outlets even replied to the reel by acknowledging her truth, apologizing, and pledging to do better moving forward.
However, since then three Black media outlets, including ESSENCE, have released op-eds justifying why Seales’ treatment might not only be acceptable but the result of Seales’ overall personality and character. The Root headline reading, “If Everyone Says The Same Thing About Amanda Seales, Could She Be The Problem?” While TheGrio led with “Amanda Seales is not a victim of anything but her own hubris.” Lastly, ESSENCE chimed inwith the narrative “It's Time To Admit That Being Liked Is More Important Than Being Good At Your Job.”
Though all of these pieces were op-eds and the publications noted that the views of their journalists weren’t necessarily the views of the publication itself, the questions must be asked, why even publish them then? What conversation were you looking to elicit from these harsh attacks on a Black woman’s character?
And I’m not the only academic or journalist asking these questions. Elaine Welteroth went to social media asking, “Why are we having a public town hall discussion about whether or not we like Amanda Seales?” Marc Lamont Hill released a 20-minute video discussing the recent backlash Seales is receiving on his YouTube channel, challenging the framing of the narrative surrounding Seales. In the video, he’s also acknowledging she speaks out on issues that challenge the patriarchy, calls out the military-industrial complex, addresses racism, educates people on misogynoir, and so much more, which in essence makes her an easy target.
“When people who are in power have their authority and their power and their privilege questioned, they don’t like it and they fight, and they strike back,” Hill says.
Each of the individuals who penned these articles acknowledged that Seales speaks out against important issues but framed their narratives around the reason she’s not being received within Black Hollywood is that people don’t “like her.” Hill continues, “If you have someone in our community that’s addressing issues that make us better and then you normalize a narrative that she shouldn’t be liked, and you advance a media attack on her you’re not just attacking her, you’re making her less credible to the people who follow her and listen to her.”
Some argue that Seales’ recent framing by the media as someone who is “disliked” stems from her calling out publicist Vanessa Anderson for having her removed from a Black Emmys party in 2019. Others feel it may stem from her speaking out about Myron Rolle, NFL player turned neurosurgeon, about sexual harassment. There are countless theories on why Seales is being excluded from Black Hollywood events that stretch from her days as an MTV VJ to her stint onThe Real.
However, gossip and hearsay have no place in journalism. Black media outlets and organizations such as the NAACP were birthed out of a necessity for Black voices and stories to be heard and elevated. They were created so our community could have a space to tell our truths, and not just truths that were pretty or popular. Their inception was meant to hold those with power and authority accountable for their actions toward our community and other marginalized communities.
Likewise, they were meant to be a space where Black people are uplifted, not torn down.
The Memphis Free Speech, co-owned by Ida B. Wells, was created in 1888 as a platform to challenge racial discrimination and became a prominent voice in the Black community as it advocated for civil rights and social justice. Wells used her column to form an antilynching campaign and in one of her most famous works, she boldly suggested white women were being dishonest when accusing Black men they were caught with of rape. Her column resulted in her having to leave Memphis due to threats to her life.
ESSENCE Magazine was first published in 1970 to fill a void in the mainstream magazine industry that largely ignored and or misrepresented Black women. Its mission was to create a beautiful tapestry where Black womanhood was protected, celebrated, and allowed to be as vibrant, multifaceted, and unique as Black women themselves.
The NAACP Image Awards were created in 1967 to honor and award the outstanding achievements of members within the Black community who were often overlooked in the fields of television, film, music, and literature while simultaneously celebrating social justice activists who were creating change in America and globally.
When Black media outlets tear down and berate Black women for telling their truths, for standing up for other Black people, or for living as their authentically and unapologetic Black selves, not only are they perpetuating and justifying misogynoir; but also losing sight of what their foundational purpose. Additionally, suggesting, as these articles alluded to, that Seales isn't successful because of her lack of likability is either delusional, disrespectful, or both, given her consistent sold-out comedy shows, a successful podcast, 5-star author status, and 2.2M+ social media following across platforms.
Black women face a myriad of hatred, judgment, and backlash every day and are consistently told how they’re at fault for the way they’re treated. It is time for us as a community to stop putting the onus on Black women and start holding the offending parties accountable for their part as well.
Featured image by Dominik Bindl/Getty Images