Your August 2020 Horoscopes Are All About Bossing Up
The month ahead inspires you to boldly take your place in the world by kicking things off with the Full Moon on the 3rd inviting you to transform the narrative of your destiny. Once Mercury enters Leo, you'll have the confidence you need to unwaveringly pursue your vision. On the 7th, Venus gets cozy in Cancer, sweetening up your relationships and home life. Around the middle of the month, Uranus joins the retrograde party, inviting you to embrace your changing value system. The New Moon on the 18th encourages you to embrace the healing power of creativity and play. Mercury shifts gears on the 20th, helping you streamline your routines so you can stay on track towards those big dreams of yours. When the Sun enters Virgo on the 22nd, the cosmos tests how disciplined you are in balancing self-care with how much you're serving others.
Check out what's in store for your zodiac sign in the month ahead.
Aries
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The beginning of August encourages you to expand your social network which you shouldn't have any problem doing with Leo season amping up your charm factor. The Full Moon on the 3rd is a perfect time to launch that online business, blog, or project you've been working on behind the scenes. You're in the mood to spice things up romantically and creatively when Mercury moves into Leo on the 4th. The planet of love creates a steamy effect when she enters Cancer on the 7th, making the next few weeks the perfect time to call out of work for a staycation. Indulge your senses by cooking your favorite comfort foods, cuddling up with a blanket (or bae), and watching your fave rom-coms from the comfort of your home.
On the 15th, Uranus goes retrograde, making this a good time to check in with yourself. Are you making money doing what you love? These next several months will help you get clear about your personal values and how to align those with opportunities that are truly a match for you. The New Moon on the 18th has you inspired to get back into the dating scene or start that new hobby that recently caught your interest. Towards the end of the month, Mercury and the Sun meet up in Virgo motivating you to whip your butt, and your work routine (or lack thereof), into shape. Hit the gym, try that detox, and organize your environment to help you stay clear-headed and grounded.
Taurus
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The month begins with a Full Moon on the 3rd creating a little friction between you and an authority figure—whether it be your nosey dad, micromanaging boss, or the "institution". You're ready to go your own way and this lunation could give you the push you need to strike out on your own. The next day, Mercury enters Leo and conversations with family or in the home can get a little heated if you don't keep your ego in check. However, this transit can serve as the fire beneath your ass to make some changes in your living environment if you've simply had enough with your current circumstances.
Your ruling planet, Venus, attempts to smooth things out when she enters Cancer. Spending some quality time with your siblings can be just what you need to bring you back down to earth. On the 15th, Uranus goes retrograde in your sign, inviting you to reconnect with your inner wild, child. Embrace what makes you unique (and even a little rebellious). The New Moon on the 18th could suggest a relocation, the beginning of a renovation project, or a new addition to the family. When the Sun meets up with Mercury on the 22nd, the energy becomes more harmonious for you. Indulge in some creativity, play, and romance to bring some balance into your world.
Gemini
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The Full Moon on the 3rd is an exciting time for your big reveal, whether you're launching that novel, a workshop, or that blog. It's time to showcase your expertise and receive the acknowledgment you deserve for your forward-thinking approach to life. On the 4th, Mercury enters Leo which could result in sudden emotional outbursts if you feel like your intelligence or beliefs are being challenged. Choose your battles, wisely. As long as you're confident in your truth, there's no need to convince others to believe it, too. Venus, planet of love, enters Cancer on the 7th and you're receiving tons of support (and possibly some gifts and money) from people who want to nurture you.
Around the middle of the month, Uranus goes retrograde, making your psychic sense all the more sensitive. Divine inspiration, and some million-dollar ideas, are bound to come your way during this transit. Make sure to connect with your spiritual allies for assistance in growing your finances during this transit. On the 18th, the New Moon is a good time to start a new creative project that pushes you to express yourself more authentically. Towards the end of the month, Mercury and the Sun enters Virgo, encouraging you to get your home life in order by decluttering and getting organized. As family comes into greater focus, make sure to practice more compassion in your interaction instead of passing judgment so easily.
Cancer
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The beginning of the month is a little more quiet for you thanks to the Full Moon illuminating your psyche—including the limiting beliefs that inhibit you from embracing the weird qualities that people have criticized about you. This is a powerful time to break free from the chains of "normalcy" to allow yourself to truly blossom. On the 4th, Mercury enters Leo, motivating you to get to the bag in ways that highlight your natural gifts and talents. A few days later, Venus is bringing the blessings––and the affection––when she enters your sign. Bask in the love, babe! You deserve it.
On the 15th, Uranus goes retrograde, inviting you to reconnect with your friends or make some new ones that reflect the changes you've been making in your life. Sometimes we grow together and sometimes we grow apart. Give yourself, and others, grace during these times of transition. The New Moon on the 18th invites you to plant the seeds for a new source of income that will require you to develop confidence in yourself. Consistency is key and maybe a new outfit that will help you feel the part. On the 22nd, the Sun links up with Mercury, making this a good time to get your thoughts organized for that business plan, brand, or website you're working on. It's time to roll up your sleeves and get to work!
Leo
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Happy birthday, goddess! The month kicks off with a Full Moon highlighting your relationships and any contractual agreements. This a great time to renegotiate the terms of any existing partnerships to make sure you both are still on the same page. On the 4th, Mercury enters your sign, making you the talk of the town. You live for a little drama and you may very well find yourself at the center of it during this transit. Venus attempts to soften the energy when she enters Cancer on the 7th, encouraging you to balance out all of that playtime with some rest. The spirit world often communicates to us through our dreams but you can't receive the messages if you're not getting quality sleep.
Around the middle of the month, Taurus goes retrograde which could present some career changes that will gift you with a greater sense of individuality and freedom once the dust settles. On the 18th, the New Moon invites you to blaze a new path that aligns with your truth. Can you say that you're truly proud of yourself or do some of your wins feel empty? As much as you care about making your loved ones proud, it's time to assert more of your authority by living a life that you can be proud of. Towards the end of the month, Mercury and the Sun shift into Virgo, inviting you to build up your self-esteem so you won't be easily swayed by the opinions of others. When it comes to your finances, this is an opportune time to revamp your budget and strategize new ways to gain income.
Virgo
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Your health and wellness are top priority at the onset of the month due to the Full Moon revealing a troublesome area that could use a little improvement. Don't fall down the trap of diagnosing yourself with WebMD before you consult with your doctor. On the 4th, Mercury enters Leo which is sending your dream time into overdrive. This placement could also make you the center of some gossip due to your rising affluence. However, this is a powerful time to release an old narrative that requires you to dim your shine so others aren't intimidated by you. On the 7th, Venus enters Cancer where she'll be sweetening your friendships and providing the space for any healing that's necessary.
Around the middle of the month, Uranus goes retrograde encouraging you to be flexible when it comes to your beliefs. There's a possibility to hold space for multiple truths at once and this transit can help you better embrace how connected everything truly is. If you're in school, you may decide to switch your major or go in a completely new direction with how you choose to share your wisdom with the collective. On the 18th, the New Moon in Leo reminds you that every accomplishment starts with a dream. Plant the seeds for what you'd like to manifest—specifically by the Full Moon in Leo six months from now. On the 20th, Mercury enters your sign shortly followed by the Sun on the 22nd. All eyes are on you, birthday girl! It's time to celebrate your growth over the past year and the new heights you'll be reaching in the year to come.
Libra
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The Full Moon on the 3rd lights up your life with some much-needed romance and creativity. This is a supportive time to reveal your more artistic side. Even if you're no Van Gogh, it's important to flex your creative muscle from time-to-time. Organize a Sip & Paint with bae or your girls to give your inner child a little love. On the 4th, Mercury enters Leo, making you the life of the party. So many moves to make but so little time. You're in the mood to network and connect with your friends. Host a Zoom mixer to get some of your faves together while still practicing social distancing. Your ruling planet, Venus, moves into Cancer on the 7th, helping you attract more support when it comes to your career endeavors. You don't necessarily need someone to provide you with solutions to all of your work problems. Sometimes you just want to enjoy a glass of wine with a friend while venting about your annoying ass boss. Let that be enough, my love.
On the 15th, Uranus goes retrograde which could shake up the power dynamics within a close relationship or someone you share finances with. In matters of intimacy, this is a powerful time to shift your narrative related to experiences that negatively impacted your self-esteem. The New Moon on the 18th encourages you to expand your friendship circle. It's OK to meet new people that you vibe with more organically. Use this energy to also set an intention to boldly (re)commit to a dream of yours that has gone neglected. On the 22nd, the Sun and Mercury meet up in Virgo, inviting you to rest up and reflect on the past year as you prepare for your birthday season. Reassess what needs to be purged from your life so you can step into your new year feeling lighter, happier, and more at peace.
Scorpio
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The month begins with a Full Moon on the 3rd which could stir up some tension on the home-front. You're feeling an intense need to assert your individualism while your family's expectations attempt to overshadow your desires. When Mercury enters Leo on the 4th, you'll have the confidence you need to express yourself without fear of your family's disproval. During this transit, you'll be adjusting your relationship with authority as you come into your own power. On the 7th, Venus gets cozy in Cancer in a part of your chart that has you longing for home which could easily be some far off place that you've always dreamt of traveling to.
Relationships may be a little strained around the Quarter Moon on the 11th. Do you want to be right or do you actually want to compromise? Make sure to hold that standard to others as well to discern whether this matter truly deserves your energy. On the 15th, Uranus goes retrograde, giving you a chance to establish more freedom for yourself within your relationships. Sudden "a-ha" moments about codependent tendencies will come to the light. The New Moon on the 18th invites you to shine more authentically in the work that you do. A few days later, Mercury and the Sun link up in Virgo, encouraging you to take an honest assessment of your social circle to weed out who you don't click with and reprioritize your energy for those that you're more compatible with.
Sagittarius
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August kicks off with a Full Moon on the 3rd, encouraging you to speak life into your dreams! There could be cause for celebrating a recent win that affirms how much it pays off to just be yourself. On the 4th, Mercury enters Leo, enticing your wanderlust that much more. If you're dealing with travel restrictions, you may find a little relief in getting lost in travel blogs or TV shows that give you a little taste of culture and adventure. A few days later, Venus moves into Cancer, inviting you into deeper levels of intimacy within your connections. You deserve softness, Saggie. Let other people take care of you, too.
On the 15th, Uranus goes retrograde which could cause some sudden changes in your daily routines (but you're not one to complain about switching things up). This could be just the shift that you needed to reinvigorate your drive. Your health and wellness also take the front seat during this transit, making this a supportive transit for revolutionizing the way you take care of yourself. The New Moon on the 18th is a great time to start writing that book, organizing that workshop, or looking into options to further your education. On the 18th, Mercury enters Virgo followed by the Sun a few days later, making your career the center of your focus over the next few weeks. It's time to buckle down and handle your responsibilities like a boss. More success and influence is coming towards you. All you have to do is meet it halfway.
Capricorn
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The Full Moon at the beginning of the month helps you break through any financial barriers by providing you with the perfect strategy for increasing your flow of abundance. It's not just about the money you make but HOW you're making the money. With the Moon in Aquarius, it's important to prioritize authentic ways of aligning with wealth. What do you actually enjoy doing that you can make a profit from? On the 4th, Mercury enters Leo which could be triggering some soft spots related to your confidence and ego. Owning up to your insecurities can actually lessen the effects of them. A few days later, Venus moves into Cancer to sweeten up your relationships. Just make sure you're available to receive the love being offered to you.
On the 15th, Uranus goes retrograde, stirring up some changes in your dating life and creative expression. If you're suddenly overcome with the burning desire to hire an acting coach, learn photography, or invest in some new sketchpads and pencils, go for it! Your inner child needs some attention from you. What your parents may have not been able to do for you in the past is something you have the ability to do for yourself now. The New Moon on the 18th is a great time to apply for a loan or to reconsider that offer from that sugar daddy that's been hanging out in your DMs. On the 20th, Mercury enters Virgo and the Sun follows behind on the 22nd, making it a good time to expand your knowledge through going back to school, attending seminars, or reading books to sharpen your expertise.
Aquarius
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The spotlight is on you at the beginning of the month, thanks to the Full Moon in your sign. This lunation could have you feeling on edge especially if you've been repressing some emotions lately. Remember—"The truth shall set you free." Communication may be even more difficult once Mercury enters Leo but try to look at any uncomfortable moments as opportunities to grow. On the 7th, Venus invites you to adjust your routine if you've been feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes less is more. Say "no" to any invitations that don't feel like a complete "yes". Get into some gentle forms of exercise to soothe any anxiety.
Be mindful of squabbles with family, roommates, or a landlord around the Quarter Moon on the 11th. On the 15th, Uranus goes retrograde, bringing some changes to your household dynamic. A sudden relocation may be on the horizon for some while others of you are breaking through the chains of your family's expectations to create a life that you can be happy with. The New Moon on the 18th has you signing your name on the dotted line for your new condo, work contract, or business partnership. When it comes to romance, talks of the next level of commitment may be on the table. On the 20th, Mercury enters Virgo followed by the Sun on the 25th, bringing your attention to intimacy blockages. How are you overthinking your way out of getting close to others?
Pisces
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August kicks off with a Full Moon enlivening your dream world with the clues you need to actualize a long-term vision of yours. You could even receive intuitive insights about who will play a key role in helping your manifest your dreams into reality. On the 4th, Mercury enters Leo, motivating you to get your eating habits and body into shape. Luck is on your side when Venus enters Cancer where she'll be sweetening up your world with an abundance of romance and creative inspiration. You could even be making some extra money from a project you've recently launched.
Around the middle of the month, Uranus goes retrograde, encouraging you to speak your mind. Oftentimes, you're a little too considerate of other people's emotions to the point that you water down your truth. This transit will challenge you to let people know how you really feel and what matters most to you. On the 18th, the New Moon invites you to make some changes in your routine or work environment that cultivate more adventure and creativity in your busy (and boring) schedule. On the 20th, Mercury moves into Virgo with the Sun following behind. Important conversations about your close relationships and business partnerships are on the table. It's time to address what isn't working in the connection or detox it out of your life entirely.
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Tour Interior Designer Annisa LiMara's Organic Modern Meets Midcentury Modern ATL Abode
In xoNecole's series Dope Abodes, we tour the living spaces of millennial women, where they dwell, how they live, and the things they choose to adorn and share their spaces with.
Annisa LiMara has called this space her home for two years. Her Atlanta sanctuary, which she aimed to give the look and feel of something you'd see in the glossy pages of Architectural Digest, embodies her vision of "stunning, yet functional and cozy."
"My home is a reflection of my brand, The Creative Peach Studios, and I am the 'Creative Peach,'" Annisa explains. "It was so easy to reflect who I am and my personal story in my space. When you walk into my home, you know that it is Annisa’s home. I’m so proud of that. So grateful."
On the journey to becoming a homeowner, Annisa looks back on her experience as a "rough one," detailing that she officially started house hunting in March 2020. It had become so expensive to rent, and the 30-something lifestyle influencer decided she would rather invest the money she spent renting into owning a home. However, nine days into house hunting, her search was put on hold for a year. The following year, in 2021, the process of finding the right home and going under contract took a total of four months.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
"The resell route didn’t work out, so my realtor suggested a new construction home, which turned out to be the better option," she tells xoNecole of her experience. "Although it requires more patience, it turned out to be a much easier process and a lot easier to maintain since it’s brand new."
As it turns out, the open floor plan three-bedroom two-and-half-bath would prove to be a blank canvas for Annisa to flex her creativity and design skills.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
As a new construction, she watched the townhome get built from the ground up, and due to the "cookie-cutter" nature of new builds, Annisa knew immediately that she would change everything about it. The best part about it? All of her updates were cosmetic, so transformation could occur without having to do major renovations to achieve the look and feel she desired.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
"The first things I updated were all the lighting, adding built-ins around my fireplace, and installing wallpaper in my bedroom, office, and dining room! I also had board and batten installed in the upstairs loft to make a statement and the kitchen island," Annisa details.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
"Lastly, we painted the loft a soft blush pink, the kitchen island is a gorgeous terracotta, and added contrast with black on the doors, fireplace, and stairwell banisters."
In total, she spent $15K in renovations (plus the cost of furniture and decor). And although she says the second level of her home is a "work-in-progress," two years in, she considers the transformation nearly done.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Annisa defines her decor style as "organic modern meets midcentury modern with a touch of boho," and with thoughtfully placed touches like plants, warm tones, and organic textures, her perspective can be felt throughout. "I found my point of view as a designer in my work and as I worked on my home, so it all came together organically based on what I was naturally drawn to."
"The organic modern meets midcentury modern with a touch of boho' is definitely my signature style. You’ll always see greenery, warm tones, brass, and rattan or wicker in just about every room. My color story is based on my brand [The Creative Peach Studios] colors: blush pink, ivory, olive and sage green, terracotta, and nudes," she adds.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
It was her brand colors that would be the jumping-off point for her approach to decorating and styling her space. That, and a picture she had of what would become her sofa from Albany Park. She recalled her decor decisions, "It was their olive Park Sectional Sofa, and I knew instantly I wanted it, and it aligned with my brand colors naturally, so it was a no-brainer."
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
By drawing inspiration from Pinterest, favorite design brands like CB2, Arhaus, and Souk Bohemian, and through her work, Annisa allowed herself to be guided by her signature style as well as her instincts when making decor and color choices for her own home. "Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason; it just feels right."
Some of the aspects of her home that she regards as her favorites include her bedroom and its little nook where her bed is positioned, the open upstairs loft, and the open concept because "it really allows you to see all of the details I put into the design all at once." Another of her favorite finds is a purchase she copped from the thrift store years ago.
"I have this little brown and gold chair that I picked up for $6 at a thrift store in Jersey six years ago. I couldn’t afford much in my little studio, but the chair was beautiful and unlike anything I had ever seen."
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
In addition to accent walls featuring blush pink and terracotta tones throughout the space, her gallery wall is another element that immediately draws the eye of any guest who enters. Annisa recalled a fond memory of a fine art piece she purchased from a Black woman artist when she first moved to Atlanta that she now prominently features in her living room. "It was a Black villager from her travels in Africa, and I fell in love with it because it felt like an ancestor I never met. I later found out that she was the sister of one of my very first design clients two years later," she shares. "Talk about a full-circle moment!"
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Cultivating a space takes time and patience, and that is a sentiment Annisa echoes when advising people who are looking to infuse more of themselves into their own dope abodes through design. "It is not a race, and you’ll spend more money if you rush into designing without really being intentional about the vision for your space," Annisa concludes. "You just need creativity and patience to do it! And most of all, make sure you feel like it’s an oasis for you!"
For more of Annisa, follow her on Instagram @annisalimara.
Tour Interior Designer Annisa LiMara's Modern Meets Midcentury ATL Home | Dope Abodes
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When It Comes To Relationships...Why Is Love NOT Enough?
Charge it to the fact that I am such a fan of music, but whenever I’m out shopping, I tend to pay attention to what stores are playing. And if there’s one song that seems to show up just about everywhere, it’s a light rock classic by Don Henley and Patty Smyth entitled “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough.” I promise, even if you don’t know it by the title, you’ve heard it yourself, at least a dozen times in your lifetime — and whether that kind of music is your “scene” or not, the reality is that the words are true.
Even now, in real time, I’m dealing with two clients who love each other very much, and still…they are gearing up to file for divorce. Why? One reason is that, although the love is very strong, the type of love that the husband has for the wife is very different from the kind of love the wife has for her husband (hers is more of a friendship/agape love). Another reason is because, over time, their values have become very different (get someone who complements your life; it makes all of the difference in the world). And still, another is the wife feels that, if she were to stay, she’d be choosing to remain stagnant as an individual because the kind of life he wants isn’t the kind that she desires…anymore.
Because I am super Team Covenant, for me, in many ways and on many levels, it's all tragic. Divorce is indeed like a death. I am a survivor of it from my own parents. I am watching two children who I love very much currently go through it. And as a marriage life coach for over 18 years now, although I’ve been able to help more couples stay together or even reconcile after divorce, my “record” is not spotless. Yet you do live long enough, and you see that, sometimes, no matter how much love is present, if you want to go the very far and beautiful distance of “’til death parts us” on a literal level — you need more than just love to make that happen…no matter how romantic or even idealistic the notion might be.
Let me explain, in a bit more detail, just where I am coming from.
What It Means to Actually Love Someone
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Have you ever thought about what it actually means to love another individual? I promise that if you rely on social media to define it for you, you’re about to be set up for a mighty fall because easily 60-70 percent of the content on there is self-centered, unrealistic, and very feelings-and-nothing-else driven. What I mean by that last point is folks seem to think that love is ONLY a feeling when it is actually so much more than that.
For starters, love is a daily choice. Yep, ask any married couple who has more than a decade under their belt, and they will be quick to tell you that no matter how much they love their partner, sometimes they don’t “feel” like they do, and so they have to push past their feelings and remember that they chose that individual, they made sacred promises in the form of vows to that person, and so they must choose to honor them. THAT IS A FORM OF LOVE.
Know what else love is?
Love is being someone’s strongest support system, greatest advocate, and biggest hype man or woman. That requires a lot of patience, a ton of prayer, and quite a bit of believing in someone because, if they were perfect, why would they need any of that? Yeah, another thing that’s sad about what many people think about love is they expect the person who they say “I love you” to, to be whatever version of love that they conjured up in their mind — and usually that is very idealistic, which is extremely unfair.
Yeah, it’s mighty interesting that if you look to the Good Book for love definitions, things like “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son…” (John 3:16) are what immediately come to mind and yet humans? They don’t wanna wait for nothin’, and they definitely don’t think that they should sacrifice anything. Wild.
Another thing about love is it transforms. Not "changes someone" (some folks think they are supposed to use love to manipulate, and that isn’t love at all) — it transforms them. And that takes time. Contemporary Christian artist Michael W. Smith once said, “Transformation in the world happens when people are healed and start investing in other people.” Transformation plays a role in the healing process. Here’s the thing about that, though: if people didn’t have anything wrong with them, what would they need to heal from? Transformation invests in others; in order to invest, you must give — not just take.
Indian philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti once said, “If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation.” Transformation is about understanding someone without trying to change them. Unfortunately, far too many people fail miserably at this. And yet, how arrogant is it to be out here thinking that it’s your job to change someone? Who are you to appoint yourself to that? Do you even understand the person who you’re trying to change? Or are you only coming from the angle of who and what you want them to be? That’s not understanding; again, that is manipulation.
To be honest with y’all, I could go on and on about what love is, yet this is an article and not a book. For now, I’ll just say that I think it was important to amplify those three talking points because they are the “angles of love” that oftentimes go overlooked. That’s why I wanted to lay some foundation on what genuine and mature love looks like before getting into why sometimes love is enough because it’s its own pandemic: the amount of people who call what they are in with or towards someone “love” when it's actually…anything (and sometimes everything) but.
Five Things That Should Come with Being in Love
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Okay, so with all of what I just said, you might wonder how you could actually hit the three love points that I shared, and it still not be enough to keep a relationship going — at least, a healthy and purpose-filled one. That’s a really great question. So, because love is so vast…let’s keep building with five things that should be happening, MUTUALLY SO, when two people are actually in love with each other.
1. You’re becoming a better person. There is a Leo Buscalgia quote that I’ve shared before (more than once, actually) that I absolutely adore. It says, “As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I, in a love relationship, do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.” And honestly, the quote says it all. If you think you’re in love with someone, yet you AND they are not becoming better as a direct result of the love experience, something is definitely awry. At the end of the day, if you believe that “God is love” (I John 4:8&16), love should definitely be improving you and him in a myriad of different ways and on a thousand different levels because a spiritual relationship with the Divine does just that. No wiggle room.
2. Your life is moving forward, not back. On the heels of what I just said, love shouldn’t have you out here living in a state of stagnation. Love is to liberate you and make you feel like you can release what is holding you back so that you can run toward what will improve your quality of life. That said, if since you’ve been with “him,” you can’t name three things that have shifted, drastically so, when it comes to how your life is progressing, that is a bit of a red flag as well. Love is to fuel you into newer dimensions, not keep you in hamster wheels of cyclic (and typically counterproductive) patterns.
3. You are receiving peace and being a conduit of peace too. I can’t believe how many people on social media get triggered whenever they hear that someone wants to be with a peaceful and peace-filled individual. What in the world? Peace, in a relationship, is about harmony. Peace is about tranquility. Peace is about being on one accord, having a strong and solid friendship, and feeling calm in another person’s presence. Peace is not turmoil. Peace is not stress. PEACE IS NOT DRAMA. A lot of people out here? They think that because their relationship is passionate or intense that love is present. More times than not, the answer is “no.” As a woman by the name of Mary Helen Doyle once said, “Choose love and peace will follow. Choose peace and love will follow.” If that is not your personal reality with your significant other…you’ve got some serious thinking to do.
4. Your views on love and relationships are maturing. Have you ever known a relationship that is childish? There’s no other way to put it. The two people involved are always trying to one-up each other. When they’re mad, they’ll go days without speaking. You find yourself watching a soap opera online that you didn’t ask for because one or both of them are constantly being passive-aggressive about each other’s mess on their social media pages. Ugh. Remember how I said that peace isn’t drama? Yeah, true love isn’t either. In fact, one of the main things that love does is provide you with a safe space to be held accountable so that you’re able to grow in areas where you wouldn’t have otherwise. If your “love relationship” isn’t maturing you…that’s another flag on the play.
5. Sex is the “icing” not the “cake.” A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “What If The Sex Is Great? But The Relationship Sucks.” And yeah, this point? Listen, oxytocin — the natural hormone that bonds you to the people you are physically intimate with — can have you out here thinking that just because a man makes your body feel good that he’s good for your mind and spirit too (check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?”). In other words, sex can be deceptive, which is why I don’t like the term “make love” (check out “I Absolutely Hate The Phrase 'Make Love.' Here's Why.”). Truly, it can’t be said enough: sex does not MAKE love; sex CELEBRATES a love that is already in place. People who are truly in love know this.
Okay, so this is already quite a bit to think about, right? It’s also essential and relevant because, before you can come to the conclusion that love is not enough to keep your relationship going, you need to make sure that love is what you’re actually experiencing. IS IT?
Now, let’s get into the main reasons why this article has the title that it does.
It’s Damn Near Impossible to Love Someone You Don’t Respect
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I’m pretty sure that, at one point or another, we’ve all heard the saying, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Y’all, that is absolutely how I feel about providing this kind of content for singles — and to me, “single” is individuals whose tax records say that they are. Because no matter how much you may care about someone, again, ask anyone who’s gone through a divorce, and I’m pretty sure they will tell you that breaking up (no matter how difficult it may be) will spare you a lot more heartbreak than ending a marriage will. And so, with that being said, one reason why love may not be enough to try and stay with someone you are seeing (in a dating or even engaged dynamic) is if you don’t respect them — or they don’t respect you.
Scripturally, when it comes to how wives are to treat their husbands, I always think it’s amazing that women are told, not to prioritize loving their husband but respecting him (Ephesians 5:33). If you go to I Peter 3:2 (AMPC), it defines respect in this fashion: “…to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].” (Did y’all see “prize” in there? I DID.)
Ask any man worth his salt, and he’s gonna tell you, I believe without hesitation, that the way he feels love is by feeling respected. So, when you take all of those words in I Peter into account, do you respect your man? And if you don’t, why don’t you? I promise you, with every ounce of my being, that if you don’t respect him, it’s only a matter of time before your relationship either ends or becomes highly dysfunctional because respect is paramount in a healthy, loving dynamic.
And yes, you deserve to be respected as well.
- When a man respects you, he is honest with you.
- When a man respects you, he values opinions.
- When a man respects you, he honors your boundaries.
- When a man respects you, he doesn’t “hit below the belt” in disagreements.
- When a man respects you, he is careful in how he treats you.
- When a man respects you, he prioritizes you.
- When a man respects you, no kind of abuse transpires (including neglect).
Hmph. When you marinate on all of this, one might say that you can’t be loved without being respected. While on some levels, that’s true — believe you me, I have dialogued with many couples over the years who love each other yet they don’t respect each other’s boundaries or they don’t fight fair. And that’s because one or both of them weren’t taught to prioritize respect.
I will say this, though: even if you do love your partner, if you don’t respect them and/or they don’t respect you, love is not going to be enough. Not to go the distance in a mutually beneficial kind of way, it’s not.
Next point.
LOVING Someone Doesn’t Mean That the Two of You Are COMPATIBLE
Yep, I’m gonna bring some Scripture back into this. Back in the Garden of Eden, when God decided to bless Adam with a helpmate, the Classic Amplified Version of Genesis 2:18 described her to be this: “Now the Lord God said, ‘It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.’” Suitable means “appropriate” and “fitting.” Adapted means being able “to adjust oneself to different conditions, environment, etc.” Complementary means “the quantity or amount that completes anything.” Complete, in this context, speaks to “having all parts or elements; lacking nothing.”
Y’all, there are a couple of men who I loved, but it didn’t work out. I was mad at first — and yet, in hindsight, it was never meant to be. Why? Because I was not the right kind of helper for them, and they were not the right kind of protector and provider for me. There were things about us that didn’t “fit.” There were areas where we weren’t willing to be flexible in order to make the relationship work. When it came to our values, perspectives, and goals, significant things were lacking.
And that’s why I tell couples who come to me prior to marriage that they need to take COMPATIBILITY into serious account before saying “I do.” Compatible literally means “capable of existing or living together in harmony” — and I can’t tell you how many married folks have either been at their entire wit’s end or have ultimately called it quits due to this being such an issue.
It can be what seems like something “minor” at first too. For instance, don’t underestimate if you’re the kind of person who likes a spotless home and your partner’s house isn’t the cleanest. Don’t think it’s not a big deal if you’re an extrovert who likes to go out a lot and your partner seems like he barely even likes people (I know a married couple who have suffered, greatly, over the years because of this). Don’t go into denial if you’re a spontaneous person and your partner is very much “married” to routine.
Some of my male friends? We are very close, and I adore them; they adore me, too. We ain’t ugly either. Yet we are close enough to know and accept that the way we do life as individuals, there is no way we would be harmonious as a couple. Yep, sometimes love isn’t enough because the two of you simply aren’t compatible (or compatible enough) to go the distance.
Being with Someone You Love Isn’t the Ultimate Goal. Being in a Healthy Relationship Is.
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As I wrap this up, one more point. A hill that I will forever and a day die on is far too many people put being happy over being healthy. Hmph, I’ll even take that a step further and say that far too many folks think that it’s someone else’s responsibility to make them happy when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Besides, if you don’t even know how to keep yourself happy all of the time, how the hell is someone else supposed to pull it off? Ridiculous. And you know what? When two people are able to see things from this perspective, when they are able to fully grasp that 1) happiness is about inner work, 2) happiness comes and goes, and 3) being healthy is what should matter more — then they can find another person who feels the same way. And that is a solid foundation to build on.
Definitely, two healthy people get that when it comes to being in a long-term relationship that is thriving and flourishing, having someone to love who loves you back is pretty awesome. However, what keeps the relationship together is ensuring that the dynamic is HEALTHY.
So, am I saying that you can love someone in a very pure and genuine way and the relationship be unhealthy? 1000 percent. I’m not speaking of extreme things like abuse, either. I mean…a word that oftentimes comes up whenever healthy is mentioned is “vigor.” Vigor speaks to strength, power, and ability. And if, by being involved with the person who you love, you are not getting stronger, becoming more powerful, and feeling more capable of becoming your best self as you are doing the same thing for him — there are elements about the relationship that is the opposite of healthy: unhealthy, and that means that love isn’t enough. In fact, you should love each other enough to let each other…go. So, that you both can be joined by those who will support and encourage you to become a more…vigorous individual.
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Whew, this was a lot. I know. It was also necessary. Because it’s time (past time, really) that we stop romanticizing love to the point that we lose sight of what its purpose is: the fuel needed to keep a healthy relationship going. And hopefully now, all of these words later (LOL), you are able to see that certain things have to be in place, outside of love, for things to not only work…but work well.
“Sometimes love just ain’t enough” is both a mouthful and the truth.
Choose wisely, sis. Love yourself enough to do that…please.
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