It's a weird title, right? I thought so too when I first read a study that was published on Women's Health's site. Could it be that guys are actually out here sexually satisfying their partner with it (somewhat) being based on the fact that they are assuming that she isn't interested in doing it? How is that even possible? Based on a lot of the sessions that I have with married couples, when one partner assumes that the other isn't interested, that tends to result in a couple of hours of more sleep not extra orgasms. Still, there is some scientific data to back up the claim. If you stick around for a sec, I'll break it down as best as I can.
Here’s How Making (Sexual) Assumptions Is Resulting in More Satisfying Sex
First, let me start off by saying this study was based on 48 heterosexual couples who were in long-term relationships. Off top, two things about the study that stood out was the fact that 1) a lot of the men who participated totally underestimated how much their partner wanted to have sex and 2) they also assumed that when they didn't want to, their partner didn't either (hmph. Some of those fellas need to read articles like "If Your Husband's The One With The Lower Libido, Do This."). These two points alone reaffirm why it's so important for couples to verbally communicate their sexual needs, wants and expectations; preferably in that order (check out "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight."). In this case, the pun is totally intended when I say that closed mouths don't get fed.
However, the study revealed more than that. For 21 days, each couple had to fill out a 10-minute survey every night. Four things that the survey asked was how horny each person was, how sexually satisfied they were, how much they thought their partner wanted to engage in sex, and how often they actually had sex with their partner.
Now here's where it gets interesting. The researchers who conducted the study discovered that the guys who basically sucked at gauging when their wife or girlfriend wasn't in the mood were the same men whose ladies professed to have a really satisfying sex life (and life overall) with their husband or boyfriend. How weird is that?
Actually, it's not very, if you stop to really think about what's going on behind the scenes (or, in this case, underneath the sheets). Why would it be that a man who assumes that his lady doesn't want to have sex with him would end up with a woman who is truly satisfied with her sex life? The speculation is two-fold. First, if he's underestimating his partner's libido (or the timing of when she wants to have sex), that could increase the chances of him extending seduction and foreplay because, if he knew for sure that she wanted to get it on and in, he might not "try so hard" to "warm things up". Secondly, if his partner does happen to not have as high of a sex drive, because he assumes that she's not interested most of the time, she's more willing to oblige because she's not constantly being hounded to have sex all of the time. Interesting.
Why This Kind of Data Should Never Be Misconstrued or Manipulated
Although I like to share information, simply for sharing's sake (knowledge is power, right?), I do want to make sure that putting this kind of stuff out here is used for good and not for evil. What I mean by that is, I personally know some women who will read this and be like, "OK, so if I only want to have sex once a month and I don't act like I'm even in the mood then, the foreplay will get better, plus I won't have to do it as much." Yeah, naw. That's actually how assuming can totally backfire in another direction. While every couple is different, many studies reveal that happy couples who have a healthy relationship engage in coitus about once a week. That's not once a month but four times.
Personally, I don't care if the guy is 20 or 50, I don't know any man who is cool with only having sex once a month (if he's physically able to have it). Shoot, even once a week is probably more of a pacifier than anything else, but that's not my bottom line point.
Whether you and yours do it every day or only on special occasions, a rule of thumb that should be put in place for you both is assumptions nor manipulation should be brought into the bedroom—or any room of the house for that matter. Whoever has the higher libido (for the record, I know plenty of women who would be down to have sex daily as well) needs to voice that so they can come to some sort of compromise with their partner. Whoever needs more or better foreplay? They need to state that as well. Delaying how often sex happens, in hopes that your partner will be so "grateful" that they'll do whatever you want them to? That isn't a good foundation for true intimacy. Again, communication is.
Hmph. Most of us grew up hearing that assuming can make total asses out of us. Sexual assumptions are no exception. If you'd like your sex life to improve—whether it's based on frequency or foreplay—maybe start off by forwarding this along to your partner. If nothing else, it will probably get a conversation going about what you're (both) currently getting vs. what you're (both) currently desiring. Because, when it comes to true sexual satisfaction, it only counts when both people feel like they are truly fulfilled. Not only one or the other or one more than the other. Amen? Amen.
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