The Art Of Seduction: 5 Signs You’re Being Seduced
Many of us have or will experience him, the serial seducer. One minute you have lukewarm take it or leave it feelings for the guy, the next you're restraining yourself from handing over the panties to him on a pedestal. While Hollywood romances this inconsistent protoganist as a tall, dark, and handsome mysterious oozing of sex appeal, his seduction tactics rarely has the effect of a happy ending in our real lives. Think about it, should we give Christian Grey types of the world the time of day with their stalker hot and cold need for control over us?
Trust me, the serial seduction bait is not nearly as sexy as a guy who - plot twist: actually likes you and consciously and consistently takes action that supports that notion. But, it still doesn't stop most of us from doing the spread eagle across ole dude's bed before promptly giving it up to him. And when we give our bodies, we know our hearts will soon follow. So, how did we so carelessly let our guard down for the guy we were wary about from day one and become so crazy in lust?
Here are five signs you're the victim of seduction:
He Plays the Game of Push and Pull
He pushes you to the brink of wanting him and then pulls away. An example of this would be flirting with you relentlessly, but all of a sudden making it seem as if you said something to turn him off or did something to lose his interest and then pulling away from you. Another example would be acting completely interested in you then out of nowhere disappearing. They do this subtlely to make you feel as if you did something wrong, to have you further under their spell, spending hours with your girlfriends recounting your last encounter, and wondering what you did to push them away. In reality, it was nothing you did at all.
Instead, it was a calculated move to keep him on your mind. To make you want to pull him back at all costs, to make you become the pursuer. Perhaps he is constantly in pursuit of you, which you find flattering of course, then out of nowhere, he becomes cold. Not cold enough that you no longer want to deal with him, but enough to have you wondering what has gotten into him? Why isn't he being as flirtatious, paying as much attention to you as before?
After spending hours, days, possibly weeks trying to figure out what you did wrong, you decide it's time to get him back on your heels. You are deadset on reversing the roles and getting him to pursue you again, which usually means you become more aggressive, more sexual perhaps than you were previously, all in the name of getting the pursuer back on track. You've fallen right where he wants you girl, and the ball is back in his court.
He Poeticizes His Presence
“The words where have you been sound much sweeter than why have you come."
He uses his absence to control you, to keep you guessing, keep you wondering. His elusiveness is a weapon you are defenseless towards. The more you see someone, the greater chance of you seeing flaws in them, or even red flags of their true character. So, he keeps a distance to disarm you at bay. He knows just when to disappear and he knows the exact moment when to come back. Have you ever noticed just when you start talking to a new guy, an ex that you were madly in love with randomly starts showing you attention, and before you know it you are questioning whether or not they are truly the man for you?
Seducers have a way of using their absence to confuse and heighten your feelings for them. After being oversaturated with attention and affection, their absence again makes you wonder where have they been and if possibly you did something wrong or someone else has caught their attention. Ego is a powerful thing. No one wants to feel like we're being left for someone prettier, smarter, more interesting than us, so when they return, and they always return, we go out of our way, even acting out of character at times to try to get them to never leave again, often at the risk of our own morals and conscious.
He Uses Games to Disarm You
It can be pretty obvious when a non-seducer is trying to bed you. They are uncreative, sex is always the topic, and you are constantly feeling pressured to sleep with them. But a real seducer is patient. They can disarm you in the subtlest of ways. I once had a guy I dated admit to me he would use lighthearted activities to make me more comfortable with him to eventually try to have sex with me. We would play video games and do adventurous activities together without there ever being any mention of sex. In my head I thought, Wow he's not even trying to initiate sex, while secretly he was using games and childlike activities to disarm me and get my mind as far away from sex as possible so when he did finally make his move, I would't feel like that was all he wanted from me.
This form of seduction is extremely deceptive and sometimes tough to decipher because, of course, not all guys are like this and some really do want to get to know you and enjoy doing these activities with you. I would say, use your best judgement. If despite your fun and games there is always some underlining sexual tension or joking with him, it's a big possibility he is using fun and games to disarm you, especially if it's paired with something else on this list.
He Keeps You in Suspense
"Predictable" is the last word anyone would ever use to describe him. You can't guess his moods from one minute to the next, you can't finish his sentences, and his words and actions are just as unpredictable. He is literally all over the place. You hate his crazy outbursts, despise that you don't know his true feelings for you, and for some reason you can't get him out of your head. He uses his unpredictability as a means to never become boring to you. He wants to be the guy you are constantly trying to figure out. After all, what is the fun of someone whose every move you can guess?
He'll allow you to feel like you are on the brink of figuring him out, right on the cusp of truly knowing him, then he'll pull some stunt that you never saw coming. He enjoys stealing your energy in this way and making you constantly try to piece the puzzle together to figure him out. One minute he is telling you he loves you, the next he's ignoring you, or worse, telling you stories about another woman. He's not oblivious to how this makes you feel. In fact, as nonchalant as you may pretend to act, he knows how much he gets to you and takes pleasure in getting under your skin. He's a basketcase of seductive brilliance and you are wrapped around his crazy little finger.
He Appeals to Your Subconscious
He uses seductive trickery to get into your head all. the. time. Perhaps, you'll be walking past an Italian restaurant and he'll tell you how his father proposed to his mom in a restaurant like that and then go into detail of how he would propose one day, when the time is right. Or maybe he sends you screenshots of faraway romantic getaways he would want to someday visit, maybe reposts sentimental love quotes online with statuses like, “someday" or “I can't wait to have this." When you know, along with the other women he is slowly seducing, he could have that with any woman of his choosing.
The truth is, he doesn't want that, not now anyway. He wants to continue being a player while appealing to your subconscious making you picture tropical vacations and white picket fences. You know it's all talk when the actions are not behind it. It's simply talk. One day he is butterflies and roses, the next he's a douche bag talking trash.
Do yourself a favor sis, don't fall into the clever trap of the seducer, he is constantly evolving and learning new tricks to get in any way he can fit in. Keep your eyes open and your heart and legs closed to the clever seducer dressed in a good man's clothing.
Originally published on Why I Waited
Ashley Renee is a soul food enthusiast, sometimes vegetarian, writer and spoken word poet, who doesn't trust boxed macaroni or cats. keep up with her @ashleyreneepoet on Twitter & Instagram.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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