Are You Super-Selective? Or Unrealistically Picky?
Folks really can be a trip. There are certain people who, when they find out that I'm the never-been-married-before kind of single person who works with married couples for a living, the first thing they want to ask—which is usually in the form of a judgment—is "How can you advise married people on how to be married when you've never been married before?". Moving forward, I think I'll just start referring them to the married folks I work with because you know what? Knowledge is knowledge, regardless of the status of the source, and marriage is always something I've been passionate about. Serious about it too. That's why I actually take the information/insight/tips that I get and apply them, even now, to my own life, because I'd much rather say I've never been married before than to be in a miserable union or a broken one, just so that I can say I've been someone's wife—and qualify to speak to skeptics.
The follow-up question that oftentimes comes? "OK, but why aren't you at least in a relationship?" You know what's a trip about that? A lot of relationship coaches/counselors/therapists aren't and it has a lot to do with the topic for today. When you spend a lot of time studying the intricacies/nuances/missteps of relationships, you oftentimes find yourself being 1) very intentional about becoming a whole and healthy person in your single state and 2) at peace with not being with someone…just to have someone. In short, you find yourself becoming quite selective. To me, that is a good thing.
Yet what is the difference between being relationally selective and picky AF? Sometimes, the lines are quite thin. So, if you're someone who desires to be in a long-term relationship, I wanted to spend a little time exploring both sides, just to make sure that what you are doing is actually working for rather than against you.
If You’ve Got a Dating Wish List, Where Exactly Does It Come From?
Last summer, I wrote an article for the site entitled, "The Pros & Cons Of Creating A 'What I Want In A Man' Checklist". I know some folks (mostly women) who created a list of what they wanted in a man and ended up marrying someone who had most of what was on it. That's definitely a "pro". A "con", though, is sometimes those lists are filled with so much of what someone wants, that they don't really factor in what they need—or shoot, even why they want what they want. And yes, this is a pretty relevant point when it comes to figuring out the difference between if you're super-selective or unrealistically picky.
Say that you want a man who is over 6'. I'm not gonna knock that in the least because it's certainly a personal preference of mine. So is a man who is Godiva chocolate in his complexion (the darker, the better chile). Here's the thing, though. Did you know that only around 15 percent of men are actually that tall? That means 85 percent aren't. So, are you really going to pass up say, 10 opportunities to date someone who is 5'10", hoping to run into one 6' guy? And if so, what made you decide that under 6' is an actual deal-breaker?
The reason why this first point is so critical is because a lot of us have this idea of what we want in a partner without really exploring the reasons behind it—and oftentimes those reasons are not too much more than surface-level lust, dreams that came out of watching too many rom-coms or even something that is rooted in our own low sense of self-worth.
What I mean by that last one is sometimes we will choose qualities that we think will evoke "ooos" and "ahhs" from people we know, hoping that it will somehow make us feel better about ourselves. That's not a good enough reason. Folks are fickle. Besides, you've gotta live with the guy that they are only around in fleeting moments.
A wise person once said that if you don't have a map, you don't know where you're going, so again, if a wish list is totally your thing, I'm not knocking it. Just make sure that you have a clear "why" behind your list. And that you then take my next point into some serious account as you're putting said list together.
Be Honest: How Realistic Is It?
I once heard a man say something that triggered a lot of women. He said, "I think it's interesting that women will be quick to say that a man should have no issue with a size a lady should be and yet, a lot of bigger women aren't with bigger men." Be triggered if you want, yet I found that to be quite a checkmate. I personally know some women who are just like that—they think it's insulting for a man to not want a large woman yet they turn their nose up at the mere idea of dating a large man. Here's another point to ponder. I know some single moms who think guys are the devil incarnate for preferring not to date them yet the last thing they want to do is date a man who has children himself. What are the right words for this? Hypocritical? A double standard? UNREALISTIC? What?
No one is saying that you can't or shouldn't want what you want. However, there is something to be said for taking a practical approach to your mindset. To be practical is to apply some logic to your way of thinking. Is it logical to say that you want someone who doesn't have a lifestyle that is like yours? Is it really? I'm in my 40s. I have decided I don't want to have children. I tend to prefer younger men. Is it realistic for me to only consider men in their mid-30s who desire children when I don't want to have any? Why not a man in his late 40s who feels the same way? A lot of people miss out on some bona fide opportunities because they don't look at things from a practical/realistic angle. Definitely a point worth giving some serious consideration.
Have You Considered If You’re the Kind of Person You Desire?
Whenever I work with singles, this question is what seems to piss them off a lot. Almost to the point of being funny. I can't tell you how many times someone has told me that they want someone who not only doesn't have any debt but makes a good amount of money (at least $80,000-90,000) too. When I ask them if they have both of these things, 7 times out of 10, they look at me like I'm crazy. So, your standard is to be with someone who is financially stable and responsible when you're not? Another example. I know a woman who, after two marriages and two kids (one from each marriage), required the next man to be someone who had never been married and had no children. They got married. Their marriage has been hell on wheels too because while she was out here thinking about all of the things that a man should be, the husband got the short end of the stick in many ways because his wife did not take time to heal, resolve issues with her exes and make sure that her children were in a good space before saying "I do". So yeah, she got what she wanted yet she wasn't prepared to be what he needed because she was more focused on what she desired than actually being what she desired.
Real talk, that's a part of the reason why I'm choosing to be single in this season. Sometimes folks forget that singleness is oftentimes a choice and because of a lot of what I experienced in my childhood and adolescence, followed by some choices that I made as a young adult as a result of the trauma, I needed to make sure that I wasn't looking for some man to fill voids, fix issues or be more to me than I was willing to be for myself. Listen, it can be a hard pill to swallow yet if you're not taking the time out to ponder if you're not putting in consistent efforts to be the kind of person that you want to have, you are being kinda ridiculous—on a few levels.
How Being Too Picky vs. Selective Can Cost You in Dating in the Long Run
Let's talk about picky for a minute. My late fiancé was a very picky eater. An unhealthy one too because all he would literally eat was hamburgers and cheese pizza about 98 percent of the time. His mom even cosigned on how challenging it was to get him to try anything else while he was growing up. Whenever we would discuss it, he would share with me that he found what he wanted and there was no real reason to try anything else. While we were dating, he and my mother cultivated their own bond. Sometimes, she would talk him into trying out something she had made and while he wasn't always or automatically thrilled, he would admit that certain dishes weren't "half bad". The more he opened up, the more he experienced.
I'm pretty sure you can see where I'm going with this point, right? Remember how I said that a literal tall, dark and handsome man was my preference? My fiancé was 6'. Not dark in the least, though. To date, he's one of the best things to ever happen to my life. My last boyfriend wasn't tall or dark. I emotionally healed on a lot of levels because of the relationship.
There are a lot of people I know who take the stance of my fiancé when it comes to what they want in a person—I want what I want. Yet this resolve can sometimes cause a person to be narrow-minded and that can limit possibilities.
And just how can you tell if you're picky? Your expectations are superhuman high. You have a very all-or-nothing mindset. You are never open to compromise. You are known for sabotaging potential. You claim to not like things without being able to explain why. You are so "married" to your list that you never deviate. And the real catcher—you think that perfect actually exists.
There's nothing wrong with having standards, values ands certain needs. That's what it means to be selective. Yet when you're the literal definition of picky—"extremely fussy or finicky, usually over trifles"—that is when things start to become highly challenging. That is when you can find yourself on the path to always being in short-term situations or…constantly finding yourself alone.
Here’s How Not to Settle in Dating Without Being Too Picky in the Process.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? Throw all caution to the wind and just accept whatever? C'mon now. Absolutely not. I am a huge advocate of people not settling, in pretty much any area of their life. At the same time, when it comes to being selective vs. being picky, the main thing to keep in mind is selective tends to choose from options while being picky is very limited. Does a man have to make six figures or are you open to someone who is ambitious, financially responsible, and has good credit?
Does a man gotta look like Kofi Siriboe's twin or are you open to a man who is well-manicured, has a nice style, and takes good care of his holistic health? Is it not up for question that a man must be uber romantic or can he simply be thoughtful and attentive? Does his Johnson have the be the largest thing ever (check out "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go") or is it cool if he's smaller and a good lover? Does a man have to be your exact same faith or does he need to have similar spiritual values?'
Cause here's the deal. A lot of times, when people take on the "I won't settle for less approach", what they're really saying is, "My desires are non-negotiable". That's kind of ridiculous because if your list is 50 things and none are open for compromise, your "non-settling" could actually be keeping you from a really great guy. The bottom line, when it comes to a man's character and standards, stand firm (while making sure your desires mirror those things). Everything else, be open to some addendums. Moving this way is the difference between being selective and getting a good man and being picky and quite possible, never finding one at all.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Your April 2024 Horoscopes Are All About Applying Pressure & Disrupting The Status-Quo
Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
April is a powerful month of the year, but it’s also adding some pressure. With Mercury going retrograde and an Aries Eclipse, the energy is high this month, and there is a lot of internal growth occurring. The month begins with Mercury going retrograde on April 1 until April 25, in fire sign Aries. With the Sun also in this bold sign until April 19, there is a lot of passion flowing through the world, but with this comes impulsivity as well.
Mercury retrograde in Aries will be guiding us in a new direction and giving us clarity on where our true interests and needs are. Mercury retrograde is not the time to create new plans, sign contracts, or make any big purchases, but it is the time of the year when we can gain some much-needed clarity to make better decisions moving forward.
Venus enters Aries on April 5, and Venus in Aries is all about self-love, self-confidence, and being courageous in the pursuit of love. This is free-spirit energy, and Venus in this fire sign reminds us that through love, anything is possible. A few days later, we have a New Moon Solar Eclipse in Aries, and this is a time of immense transformation and new beginnings. Eclipses are the time of the year when massive changes occur, and with this eclipse being in Aries, a lot of what is happening is reflective of the personal growth you have been through over the past six months and what you are moving into for the next.
Eclipses are not about setting intentions, they are more about preparing for your new beginnings and getting key insights into where you are headed.
What April 2024 Has In Store For Your Zodiac Sign
Taurus Season officially begins this year on April 19, and this change of pace is much needed after the very active first half of the month. When the Sun is in Taurus, we are more grounded, patient, and secure in what’s happening around us, and this is also a good time of the year to go over your personal finances. The Full Moon of April is happening on April 23 in the sign of Scorpio, and this is the Worm Moon of 2024. This Full Moon is an opportunity for closure emotionally, and a time to let go of what doesn’t align with your personal growth and your commitment to love.
Venus moves out of Aries and into Taurus on April 29, bringing in a new reality when it comes to love and relationship matters overall thrive under this energy. Venus in Taurus is focused on security, comfort, and pleasure, and by the end of the month, self-care is necessary. Before April ends, Mars moves into Aries, and Mars loves being in this sign. Mars in Aries is taking us to where we need to be and doing so in a way where you feel excited about the future and the path you are headed on right now.
Overall, a lot of changes are happening this month that disrupt the status quo of what you thought life to be. This is an eye-opening month, but you are coming out of it feeling even more capable and prepared for what is ahead. Claim your blessings and own your power in life.
Read for your sun and rising sign below:
ARIES
You are truly the star of the show this month, Aries! This month is about you and what you can do with the hand you're dealt with. This is your season to shine, and by the end of the month, you are going to have a new outlook and grasp on all that is possible for you. However, this is not a small feat; the month begins with Mercury going retrograde in your sign until April 25, and you are going to be learning more about yourself through growth moments that can feel challenging at times.
There is a New Moon Solar Eclipse in your sign this month on April 8, and you are truly embarking on new territory in your life right now. Keep the focus on things that are light and inspiring, and try not to get carried away into the chaos. With Venus in your sign for most of the month, you have love on your side right now, and your emotions are especially powerful. Mars, your ruling planet, enters your sign on April 30 before the month ends, and you are leaving April with a renewed passion for life overall.
TAURUS
April requires your patience, Taurus. The Sun is in your 12th house of closure for most of this month before entering your sign, and you need some time to process your emotions. You are in a good space to receive, but you need to be able to open yourself up to that and take a step back to allow your blessings to come to you. With Mercury in retrograde this month, you are getting an opportunity to look at experiences of your past in a new light for healing to take place.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and with the Sun in your sign, you have extra confidence with you now. This is the time to focus on your personal goals in life and create space for the new to enter. On April 23, there is a Full Moon happening in your opposite sign, Scorpio, aligning you with love. Partnership matters come full circle for you at this time, and you will feel a deeper connection within your love life by the end of the month. Venus enters your sign before the month ends on April 29, and the things you were remaining patient on this month are coming into full bloom for you now.
GEMINI
April is about taking care of your responsibilities, Gemini. You may feel like there is a lot more on your plate than usual, but with the right work ethic, you can make anything happen this month. April is a time to make an effort where you want to prioritize your energy, and also look to see where you can ask for help more when you need it. Your ruling planet, Mercury, goes retrograde this month, and you are looking at your social circle, community, and friendships in a new light during this time.
The New Moon Solar Eclipse in Aries happening on April 8, is a breath of fresh air for you. Any challenges you have been feeling about being misunderstood or unheard in your community have come to light, and you are ready to turn a new page here. New beginnings are possible for you this month, but you have to be the one to initiate them. By the time Mercury goes direct on April 25, you will have a clean slate and clearer perspective when it comes to connecting with the right people and dedicating yourself to your dreams.
CANCER
You are focused a lot on your career, professional goals, and how you want to show up in the world this month, Cancer. With an eclipse happening in April, your emotions can feel a little heavier at times this month as you are ruled by the Moon and feel its transits more strongly than most. The Sun is in your 10th house of career for most of April, as well as Mercury retrograde and matters here are coming to light and changing your direction moving forward.
The New Moon Eclipse on April 8 is an opportunity to redirect your energy, and to set your intentions for a financial future that aligns with your creative passions and goals. This month is all about thinking big-picture and long-term. The Full Moon at the end of the month happening in fellow water sign, Scorpio, is a good opportunity for closur,e and any self-doubt you were feeling at the beginning of the month is being swept away. Your heart is in the right place, and that’s what's going to lead you to your success.
LEO
This month is all about thinking things through thoroughly and being the type of person you are proud of, Leo. You are balancing your need for more stability and security in your life with your passion for adventure and community. With the Sun in your 9th house in April, this is a good month to travel or to set your intentions for future vacations. Things may not be turning out exactly as you thought they would right now, but with the right perspective, they may be better.
There is a New Moon Eclipse in a fellow fire sign on April 8, and you are flowing well with the energy during this time. This is an exciting eclipse for you, and opportunities you hadn’t seen before are coming into full view for you now. By the time the Full Moon comes around on April 23, however, you are going to be looking to slow down a bit more and enjoy the comforts of your home. Loved ones, family, and support systems play a big factor in your life as the month ends, and you are leaving April overall with a new perspective.
VIRGO
April is a month of overcoming obstacles and remaining confident in yourself, Virgo. Any limitations you have been feeling in your life come into focus for you this month, and you are looking to break free from the self-doubt that has been keeping you away from experiencing life to the fullest. Being a Virgo, you are ruled by Mercury, and whenever Mercury is in retrograde, you feel its effects more strongly than most. With Mercury retro this month, you are getting an opportunity to reflect, emotionally rejuvenate, and reconsider.
On April 23, a Full Moon is happening in your 3rd House of communication, and you are getting the answers, guidance, and clarity you have been looking for. Anything emotionally and mentally heavy you have been pondering over and working through at the beginning of the month is being released for you by the end of it, and you are letting go of negative energy this month. By the end of April, Venus moves into your 9th house and love is everywhere for you. You will be leaving the month with a newfound joy for life.
LIBRA
Communication is key for you in April, Libra. This is a month when a lot of the energy is in your opposite sign, Aries, and you are truly making sense of it all right now. There are new beginnings to grab a hold of this month, but there is also a need to clear the air and set the record straight in the process. The New Moon Eclipse happening on April 8, is creating an opportunity for love, connection, and deeper partnership in your life, but it’s also reflecting to you what needs to happen within you before that can occur. April is a big learning month, and you are rising above any previous confusion in your life, especially when it comes to love.
With the Full Moon on April 23 happening in the sign just after yours, this Full Moon will be in your house of income, and you are gaining some closure here. Financial matters come full circle at the end of the month, and you will see a return on your investments. Before the month ends, your ruling planet, Venus, enters your 8th house of commitment, and some Libras may see a relationship go to the next level during this time. The clarity you are gaining in April is creating more room for growth and connection within love overall.
SCORPIO
April is an eye-opening month for you, Scorpio. You are moving through an inner awakening this month and are going through a lot of personal transformations that change your trajectory moving forward. This is the time of the year when you are looking for new ways to take better care of your health and prioritize the work you want to do in this lifetime as well. The Sun is in your 6th house of daily routine for most of the month, and you are focused on finding happiness in the little things in life.
The Full Moon of the month is happening in your sign on April 23, and this is a powerful Full Moon of closure for you. A lot of this year is about figuring out what is for you and what isn’t and taking your passions and interests more seriously. During this Full Moon, you are aligning more with what truly resonates and letting go of what doesn’t. On April 29, Venus enters your sister sign, Taurus, and love matters are a space where you are receiving new blessings as the month ends.
SAGITTARIUS
This month is a more emotional one for you, Sagittarius. You are finding your way through what is presenting itself, and are learning more about your own heart in the process. With the Sun in your 5th house of romance for most of April, there are a lot of opportunities for self-expression, creativity, and happiness, yet with Mercury also retrograde in this same area of your chart, you may be finding yourself more challenged here than usual as well.
During the New Moon Eclipse on April 8, think about what sort of perspectives help you and which ones have been hindering you. Ponder over whether you are making important decisions in your life from the heart and a place of clarity or from a place of fear of whether or not you are worthy of what you truly want. The Full Moon on April 29 will be helping you let go of what no longer serves your heart, and giving you that space to emotionally understand it all better. Perspective is everything for you this month, and more optimism may be needed on your part for the time being.
CAPRICORN
April is a fresh start for you, Capricorn, and you are starting from square one in many ways this month. You are finding yourself in a space of inspiration and insight, and you are looking to set your intentions and focus more on your manifestations right now. However, with the Mercury retrograde happening this month, you may find yourself needing to be home more or the people closest to you may need more of your time and energy as well. There is a sense of being pulled in a few different directions in April, and your guidance for the month is to think ahead.
The Full Moon happening on April 23 is an opportunity for you to get the full picture of your connections, friendships, and support systems. The people you find by your side this month are ones that you have worked hard on growing with, and you are discovering where your soulmates are. Venus enters a fellow earth sign before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling a new sense of romance and mystery in your life that is elevating your mindset overall.
AQUARIUS
There is a lot of positive energy coming into your life this month, and self-care is key right now, Aquarius. Your emotions are running higher than usual, but you are overall liking what you see play out for you this month. With the Sun and Mercury retrograde in your 3rd house of communication for most of April, extra patience is needed in the day-to-day, and this isn’t the time to rush perfection. Balance rest with effort, and remember that some of the best things in life will come to you without force.
There is a New Moon Eclipse happening on the 8th, and this eclipse is an opportunity for you to express yourself, communicate how you have been feeling, and allow new connections to take place in your life. Dreams are being fulfilled for you this month, and the universe is showing you just how good things can get for you. The Full Moon happening at the end of the month will be eye-opening for you when it comes to career matters, and you and others are seeing how far you have come here.
PISCES
Even though Pisces Season has officially come to a close, you are just getting started on all the abundance that is awaiting you this year, Pisces. April is one of those months when things are just working out for you and when you get to soak in where you are feeling fulfilled and supported in life. Most of the Astrology transits of the month are in the financial areas of your chart, and a lot of your focus in April is on your abundance and receiving your due rewards and blessings here.
Once the Sun moves into Taurus on April 19, the energy moves into your 3rd house of communication, and you will feel confident to express your ideas, insights, and wisdom. On April 23, there is a Full Moon in fellow water sign, Scorpio, and you could be traveling around this time, connecting with like-minded souls or overall feeling a heightened sense of passion for life. Venus moves into your 3rd house before the month ends as well, and you are overall hearing good news this month, Pisces.
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