Are You A "Bad Forgiver"? Read This And See.
Yeah. I'll be the first to raise my hand in this class and say that forgiveness is a process. What I mean by that is, whether you choose to forgive someone while looking them dead in the eye, while journaling at home or while standing at the foot of an altar, rarely do you say the words, "I forgive you" and, immediately following, everything is fully resolved. Or healed. When you decide to forgive someone via your words, it is basically like making a public declaration that you are going to put yourself on the path to, as the dictionary definitions of the word state— "to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.)"; "to cease to feel resentment against and absolve (to cancel an indebtedness or liability of", or "to set free or release, as from some duty, obligation, or responsibility)".
Pardon. Not resent. Release. Hmph. No wonder so many mental health professionals say that when we choose to forgive a person, it's far more for our benefit than it is for theirs; that to choose (because it is always a choice) to hold onto the fallout of our experiences is holding us back, stressing us out and, according to many reports, even making us sick. No joke. There are studies that reveal unforgivingness can keep you in a state of anger and raise your blood pressure. Unforgivingness can also increase levels of depression and PTSD. Shoot, unforgivingness can even cut your lifespan short. And really, y'all, is holding a grudge really worth all of that?
That's why I wanted to take out a few minutes of your time to first say, if you know there is someone you need to forgive, for your own health and well-being, please consider doing so. And second, if you're reading this and you someone who hurt you, offended you and/or totally pissed you off immediately comes to mind, just to make sure that you're as free from the situation as you may believe that you are. You can do this by going down this checklist of signs that a person isn't as good at forgiving as they might think that they are.
Why Is Forgiving So Hard to Do?
Since most of us know that bestowing forgiveness is essential in life (because none of us is perfect, right?), why is it that so many of us seem to struggle so much with forgiving others? In a good article that I read on the topic, the author brought up three good points. A lot of us don't forgive others because 1) we don't want the "offender" to think that what they did was OK; 2) we don't think that the person who hurt us deserves forgiveness, and/or 3) we don't trust them. Thanks to my own forgiveness journey, what I have learned is, far too often we are hesitant or even afraid to forgive someone because we think that forgiveness and reconciliation are one in the same, when that is not even remotely the case.
You forgive as a way to heal from the hurt or harm that was done to you. You also forgive in order to release yourself from the temptation to keep the cycle of pain going by hurting or harming the other person (or someone else because you are still holding onto unforgivingness).
Reconciliation is another matter entirely. If it is even on the table for discussion, the offender has some work to do in order to restore what has been lost (and if they are truly sorry, they are all for putting the sweat equity in with their words and actions—no question about that). So no, never feel that just because you have forgiven someone that you are invalidating your feelings about the offense or that you have to have the same kind of relationship with them moving forward. Forgiveness isn't designed to make you more vulnerable; it's actually meant to empower you by helping you to let the pain, fear and frustration go.
Now, with all of this out of the way, here are some pretty telling signs that you're not as good at forgiving as you probably need to be.
1. You Don’t Really Ever Let Things Go
Something that I deal with a lot in marriage counseling are people who forgive with their mouths but not necessarily via their actions. What I mean by that is, although one spouse will claim that they've forgiven their partner for something that they've done, the moment they do something else that they don't like, the past issue comes up. It's almost like they hold onto it like a trump card to use in an argument in order to "win" it. Nothing healthy comes out of it because really, who wants to constantly hear about their past missteps and mishaps all of the time?
Say that you are married, your husband misspends some money and it caused a check to bounce. You talk it through and then tell yourself and him that you are willing to let it go. But then he forgets to pay a different bill five months later and you bring his misspending from before up, even though these are the only times in recent history that it has happened. This is a good example of not being able to let things go.
If your man really isn't the best with money, perhaps it's time for you to handle the finances or for you guys to get a financial consultant. But to berate him every time he does something, even though you claim you've forgiven him, means that you actually didn't. Not only that, but the more that you "stockpile" his mistakes, the harder it will be to get past a challenge or problem the next time one comes up.
Interestingly enough, this is one of the reasons why a lot of couples end up divorcing after 20 years of marriage; they never really forgave each other for much of…anything really. And you know what they say—eventually a collection of snowflakes end up turning into a huge avalanche.
2. You Take “Forgive but Don’t Forget” Totally Out of Context
One time, I heard a guy named Cedric Dent say something about forgiveness that I think is pretty good. He used the hypothetical example of him telling someone something in confidence, them turning around and telling other people, and then them ultimately asking for forgiveness for the betrayal. According to Cedric, the best way to handle an instance like that is to forgive the person, but to also not tell them any more secrets for a while. It's not because you are holding things over them; it's actually their actions have shown that they have a weakness when it comes to respecting someone else's privacy.
I think this is the healthy way of applying the old adage "forgive but don't forget". You're not "not forgetting the offense" in order to weaponize the offender with it later up the road. You're using it as a teachable moment so that you can do all that you can to prevent being in a similar situation again. It's not about holding something over a person; it's about making sure that you apply wisdom in the future. No more, no less.
That said, forgiving while not forgetting shouldn't be about not being open to giving someone another chance. It's simply about asking yourself, "What did I learn from this experience?" and then applying it across the board. For instance, if someone revealed one of your secrets, what's the lesson? Perhaps it's something as simple as learning how to vet people better in the future. "Not forgetting" should be more about how the situation can make you better rather than how to make someone feel like they cannot be redeemed for what they have done. If you've truly forgiven them, sometimes they can be—once trust has been restored. It's close to impossible for that to happen if you're holding onto the out of context take of "forgive but don't forget".
3. You Lack Empathy in the Forgiving Process
I remember when I got my first abortion and a "friend" that I went to school with, who was a virgin at the time, told me that I was going to go to hell for it. Fast forward to her having a late period two years later and—surprise, surprise—she was asking me what clinic I went to for my procedure.
Yeah, it can be really easy to think that someone is not worthy of your forgiveness—or forgiveness, in general—when you haven't done anything similar to what they did to you (or you have selective memory when it comes to some of the past things that you have done). But we've all done something that some human, somewhere, would deem "unforgivable". Not only that but, if a lot of us were truly honest with ourselves, the reason why we don't extend the forgiveness is because, on some cryptic level, we want to have some sort of power over the person who offended us.
I can speak from very up close and personal experience that the sooner you bring empathy—" the power of understanding and imaginatively entering into another person's feelings"—into play, the sooner your heart will soften to a situation; any situation, really. Try it.
4. You’re Stuck in the Past
An author by the name of Criss Jami once said, "Grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something; forgiveness, however, is for those who are substantial enough to move on." Now put a pin in that as we touch on the main points from the article, "8 Signs You Have NOT Forgiven Someone", the author shares some of the following points.
Here's how to tell if you still need to do more forgiveness work. When you:
- Use what the person said or did as a topic of conversation.
- Daydream about getting revenge or some kind of justice. A good example of this is attending your high school reunion and showing them.
- Preoccupy your mind day in and day out either reliving or dwelling on the situation or the person's behaviors.
- Get annoyed if someone even mentions the person.
- Have a tendency to avoid the person.
- Are secretly delighted to hear about the person's current difficulties and losses.
- Strongly believe you have been unfairly treated and are an innocent victim.
- Have friends and family that are tired of talking about the person and the latest drama.
In another article on forgiveness, the author said this:
"…forgiveness brings the forgiver peace of mind and frees him or her from corrosive anger. While there is some debate over whether true forgiveness requires positive feelings toward the offender, experts agree that it at least involves letting go of deeply held negative feelings. In that way, it empowers you to recognize the pain you suffered without letting that pain define you, enabling you to heal and move on with your life."
Something that a lot of us refuse to acknowledge or accept about forgiveness is that it can keep us mentally, emotionally and relationally stagnant. Here's an example. Back when I was dating my late fiancé, it took for-e-ver to let him fully into my heart and life because my first love had done so much emotional damage. Looking back, I stand amazed by how much my fiancé was able to tolerate me bringing up my ex or sometimes even comparing the two of them. By the time I finally did let my guard down, Damien (my fiancé) died just a few months later.
That's the thing about unforgivingness. In order to remain in that head and heart space, you have to keep thinking and looking backwards. And that is what can prevent you from truly moving forward. Hmph. The real "ouch" about that is while you're still stuck in your past, there's a pretty good chance that your offender…isn't. They are moving right along.
5. You Think That Karma Is YOUR Job
If you hop on Google, put "karma quotes" in the search field and then click on the "images" tab, you'll see a slew of karma references. Two that cracked me up were "Karma's just sharpening her nails and finishing her drink. She'll be with you shortly" and "In the end, karma will be a bigger bitch than I'll ever need to be". Two that had me like "hmm" were "Karma isn't a bitch, it's a mirror" and "You will never understand the damage you did to someone until it's done to you; that's why I'm here. Signed, Karma." But the quote that all of us should keep in mind as it relates to forgiveness is the one by Dr. Wayne Dyer—"How people treat you is their karma. How you react is yours." (Louder for the seats in the back, please.)
Although most of us consider karma to be "what goes around comes around", did you know that another definition of the word is "destiny" or "fate"? I can personally attest to the fact that karma has a way of handling what someone has done (ourselves included) in a way that we couldn't even begin to come up with on our own. Plus, when we let karma do its thing without trying to help it along, we avoid reaping seeds of bitterness, resentment and revenge.
Along these same lines, the Bible tells us that we reap what we sow (Galatians 6:6-10). What's really a trip about that Scripture is it doesn't put an expiration date on when that reaping will happen. The warning here is that you only waste time and bring unnecessary drama into your own life if you think it's better to be the "karma bestower" rather than forgiving someone. What's really crazy is, by trying to do karma's job, you keep the vicious cycle going—and usually end up doing further harm to yourself. (Something that unforgiveness knows will happen, by the way.)
Bonus: If You’re a Christian, You Don’t Factor in Just How Much You Need to Forgive
If you're a Christian (or you're simply someone who tries to apply biblical Scripture to your life as much as possible), I think it's imperative that I end this article on forgiveness on a particular note. Matthew 6:14-15(NKJV) tells us, "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
What this basically means that in order to be forgiven by God, we need to forgive those around us. It's a Scripture that actually keeps me pretty humble because it reminds me that just like I need to forgive others for what they've done, there is stuff that I do that I need to be forgiven by the Most High for; that nothing should keep me from wanting to live a free and forgiven life so that, at the very least, I can spiritually thrive as an individual.
True forgiveness ain't easy. Not by a long shot. But if you really want to evolve and heal as an individual, it's important that you do it. Not the "bad way" (you know, saying that you do even if you don't really mean it); the right way. Hopefully this article helped to point you in the direction of just that.
Forgive. So that your karma will bring forgiveness unto you. Amen. So be it, sis.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life That Weren't Sorry
Jada Pinkett Smith Reminds Us Forgiveness Isn't About The Other Person
Why I Don't "Cut People Off" Anymore, I Release Them Instead
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
The Reality Of Living With Severe Asthma – As Told by 2 Women On Their Disease Journey
This post is in partnership with Amgen.
The seemingly simple task of taking a breath is something most of us don’t think twice about. But for people who live with severe asthma, breathing does not always come easily. Asthma, a chronic respiratory condition that inflames and narrows the airways in the lungs, affects millions of people worldwide – 5-10% of which live with severe asthma. Severe asthma is a chronic and lifelong condition that is unpredictable and can be difficult to manage. Though often invisible to the rest of the world, severe asthma is a not-so-silent companion for those who live with it, often interrupting schedules and impacting day-to-day life.
Among the many individuals who battle severe asthma, Black women face a unique set of challenges. It's not uncommon for us to go years without a proper diagnosis, and finding the right treatment often requires some trial and error. Thankfully, all hope is not lost for those who may be fighting to get their severe asthma under control. We spoke with Juanita Brown Ingram, Esq. and Jania Watson, two inspiring Black women who have been living with severe asthma and have found strength, resilience, and a sense of purpose in their journeys.
Juanita Brown Ingram, Esq.
Juanita Ingram has a resume that would make anyone’s jaw drop. On top of being recently crowned Mrs. Universe, she’s also an accomplished attorney, filmmaker, and philanthropist. From the outside, it seems there’s nothing this talented woman won’t try, and likely succeed at. In her everyday life, however, Juanita exercises a lot more caution. From a young age, Juanita has struggled with severe asthma. Her symptoms were always exacerbated by common illnesses like a cold or flu. “I've heard these stories of my breathing struggles, but I remember distinctly when I was younger not being able to breathe every time I got a virus,” says Ingram. “I remember missing a lot of school and crying a lot because asthma is painful. I [was taken] to see my doctor often if I got sick with anything so I was hypervigilant as a child, and I still am.”
Today, Juanita says her symptoms are best managed when she’s working closely with her care team, avoiding getting sick and staying ahead of any symptoms. Ingram said she’s been blessed with skilled doctors who are just as vigilant of her symptoms as she is. While competing in the Mrs. Universe competition, Juanita took extra care to stay clear of other competitors to ensure she didn’t catch a cold or virus that would trigger her severe asthma. “I would stand off to the side and sometimes that could be taken as ‘oh, she thinks she's better than everybody else.’ But if I get sick during a pageant, I'm done. I had to compete with that in mind because my sickness doesn't look like everybody else's sickness.”
Even when her symptoms are under control, living with severe asthma still presents challenges. Juanita relies on her strong support system to overcome the hurdles caused by a lack of understanding from the public, “I think that there's a lot of lack of awareness about how serious severe asthma is. I would [also] tell women to advocate and to trust their intuition and not to allow someone to dismiss what you're experiencing.”
Jania Watson
Jania, a content creator from Atlanta, Georgia, has been living with severe asthma for many years. Thanks to early testing by asthma specialists, Jania was diagnosed with severe asthma as a child after experiencing frequent flare-ups and challenges in her day-to-day life. “I specifically remember, I was starting school, and we were moving into a new house. One of the triggers for me and my younger sister at the time were certain types of carpets. We had just moved into this new house and within weeks of us being there, my parents literally had to pay for all new carpet in the house.”
As Jania grew older, she was suffering from fewer flare-ups and thought her asthma was well under control. However, a trip back to her doctor during high school revealed that her severe asthma was affecting her more than she realized. “That was the first time in a long time I had to do a breathing test,” she describes. “The doctor had me take a deep breath in and blow into a machine to test my breathing. They told me to blow as hard as I could. And I was doing it. I was giving everything I got. [My dad and the doctor] were looking at me like ‘girl, stop playing.’ And at that point [it confirmed] I still have severe asthma because I've given it all I got. It doesn't really go away, but I just learned how to help manage it better.”
Jania recognizes that people who aren’t living with asthma, may not understand the disease and mistake it for something less serious. Or there could be others who think their symptoms are minor, and not worth bringing up. So, for Jania, communicating with others about her diagnosis is key. “Having severe asthma [flare-ups] in some cases looks very similar to being out of shape,” she said. “But this is a chronic illness that I was born with. This is just something that I live with that I've been dealing with. And I think it's important for people to know because that determines the next steps. [They might ask] ‘Do you need a bottle of water, or do you need an inhaler? Do you need to take a break, or do we need to take you to the hospital?’ So, I think letting the people around you know what's going on, just in case anything were to happen plays a lot into it as well.”
Like Juanita, Jania’s journey has been marked by ups and downs, but she remains an unwavering advocate for asthma awareness and support within the Black community. She hopes that her story can be an inspiration to other women with asthma who may not yet have their symptoms under control. “There's still life to be lived outside of having severe asthma. It is always going to be there, but it's not meant to stop you from living your life. That’s why learning how to manage it and also having that support system around you, is so important.”
By sharing their journeys, Juanita and Jania hope to encourage others to embrace their conditions, obtain a proper management plan from a doctor or asthma specialist like a pulmonologist or allergist, and contribute to the improvement of asthma awareness and support, not only within the Black community, but for all individuals living with severe asthma.
Read more stories from others like Juanita and Jania on Amgen.com, or visit Uncontrolled Asthma In Black Women | BREAK THE CYCLE to find support and resources.
Is The Jonathan Owens-Simone Biles Conversation A Sign Of Where Women Pursuing Men Has Led Us?
The internet was set ablaze in the last weeks of December 2023 when Simone Biles' husband, Jonathan Owens, was interviewed by The Pivot Podcast, explaining how he and his wife met. A safety for the Green Bay Packers, Owens stated he had no idea who his seven-time Olympic gold medalist wife was when they initially matched on an online dating app. The most decorated gymnast in American history connected with her now husband in 2020 after sliding into his DMs while he was in a football training camp.
Driving 45 minutes to meet Owens for their first date, Simone saw something she couldn’t resist. “I know what I like and I know what I want,” she stated confidently about their relationship in the past. When asked how an unknown football player managed to bag a woman as accomplished as Simone Biles, Owens stated on the podcast, “I always say the man is the catch.”
If that wasn’t enough to agitate women around the world, he continued to reminisce on how love found him unexpectedly. “I was fighting it. At the time, I was afraid to commit.”
Simone Biles' Husband Jonathan Owens Says He's the 'Catch' Over HerSimone Biles and her husband, Green Bay Packers safety Jonathan Owens, stopped by 'The Pivot' podcast and opened up about ...
Owens, being in his third year as a professional athlete, was apprehensive, to say the least, but says the connection was instant. “If she didn’t message me, chances are my mind would have gone somewhere else,” he continued. “She messaged me, and she wasn’t scared.”
Unsurprisingly, the interview quickly went viral, with women sharing the same sentiments across cultures. How could an unknown athlete feel as though he’s the catch in comparison to his superstar wife?
What Makes Someone a "Catch"?
A "catch" is typically an ideal partner, however, this term isn’t gender specific. One who is kind, intelligent, financially secure, attractive, and on a mission to live a wholesome and happy life. On the contrary, women with valued traits are often referred to as "a prize." According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of a prize is "something offered or striven for in competition or in contests of chance," "something exceptionally desirable," or "a contest for a reward." Synonyms of the word "prize" include "treasure," "gem," "jewel," "gold," and even "catch."
In today’s society, men and women seem to have conflicting opinions on what is and who is indeed the catch within a relationship, especially one as high profile as Simone Biles and Jonathan Owens. Recognizing how tiring it can be to constantly analyze relationship dynamics on the internet, especially in the Black community, it’s still a hot topic that's important and worthy of a healthy conversation.
The modern feminine mentally has been shaped to be independent, self-sustaining, smart, and hard-working whilst maintaining her beauty and physique. Single women who are perceived to balance those attributes are typically looking for a valuable man to settle down with who can offer similar traits if not more, also known as “a good catch.”
Whether we believe this to be true or false about Jonathan Owens in regards to him being “the catch” in comparison to his gold medalist wife, Simone saw an opportunity and seized it.
Simone Biles and Jonathan Owens pose on the field prior to Game One of the 2022 World Series.
Carmen Mandato/Getty Images
The interview shattered the internet and sparked a larger debate about modern dating, relationships, and labels. Like many, something about the conversation initially made me feel uneasy. Regardless of my personal bias towards whether a woman should pursue a man, it was how Owens arrogantly referred to himself as “a catch” and admitted to seemingly having no interest in having a relationship with his now wife and that there was no attraction from his end.
To get a better understanding of his perspective, I spoke with five single men in their 30s on their definition of a good catch and why they believe women from across cultural spectrums are upset at Owens for labeling himself as such.
A man can definitely be the catch. Women are often upset on the internet about this because they think it’s impossible for a man to be a catch. If a man is a provider, if he makes a certain amount of money with a certain amount of status, he can be the catch. In [Jonathan Owens'] situation as Simone Biles' husband, he may not be the catch because his wife is more accomplished and decorated than him.
"If he was an NFL player dating a regular girl, he would be the catch because he has a certain level of financial and social status, but since he’s dating a decorated gymnast, I think he’s not the catch. Being a good catch could be a multitude of things like who’s the better-looking one, who’s the most financially stable, who has the better job. It could be a combination of things.” - Brandon, 31
“I think people were overreacting. I don’t think it’s a problem for a man to feel like the catch or sometimes even being the prize. You’re one of the top athletes in the world and a multi-millionaire. As a Black man, you’re in a very small percentage. If you also have amazing qualities as a man, you’re definitely a catch (laughs). I think I’m a catch. I make great money, a family man, an amazing father, a gentleman, a model. I don’t think it’s many like me walking around, and I say that humbly. I think that makes me a catch. I shouldn’t have to feel less than in the dating game because I’m not a woman.” - Corey, 31
“Most of these discussions are aimed at fanning the flames of this internet 'gender war' keeping us on opposing sides rather than coming together. Especially in the Black community. What I appreciate about the Jonathan Owens interview is the genuine honesty he displayed. What I loved about what Simone did is that she saw what she wanted and went after it! She jumped in his DMs, she took the initiative and drove to the city to come see him while he was in training camp, and saw for herself if this was a man she could see herself with long term, and if this was a man that could lead her and their potential family. She determined all of that with confidence and grace. She did it without ego and other societal pressures.
"I believe women will have much better outcomes in dating if they focus more on the men they actually want versus only dealing with the men that speak to them or are in close proximity. Men are more focused on achieving and building a foundation for themselves and their future family. Women should focus on aligning themselves with a strong man who is being led by a higher power in pursuit of their goals and purpose. A man that is seeing success or showing signs of success and discipline in his life. Because as we all know every male isn’t a husband, and a female isn’t a wife!
"A woman who finds herself a husband, he is her prize. She shows him off, she takes on his name, she beats out all the other women, and she was 'the one' that got him to settle down. A man who finds a wife has found himself a treasure. He protects and cherishes her because that is the most precious, beautiful, and important thing to him. She shines bright, and he will always handle her with care and keep her shielded so other men won’t try to take her.” - Brandon, 36
"A man being a catch is certainly a flip of what we are usually used to (the woman being the catch). It actually shines a small light on the fact that there is and isn’t a lot of men that women can choose from these days. Part of that reasoning is how the system is set up to stop the growth of Black families, the prison system, social media, etc. I think a man being a catch is a good concept. It shows that we are needed in this world. It puts good pressure on us to be the best version of ourselves. Being a catch is important.
"To me, it means becoming the best version of yourself. Becoming suitable and mature enough to lead a woman and a family. To lead the next generation of you. Being spiritually, mentally, physically, and financially fit to take on all that life can throw at us. Not too many good quality men around for women to choose from, so, yes I support men aiming and carrying themselves as the catch. The woman is the catch just as much. It can literally apply to both sexes." - Vik, 31
“There are more women than men. You can find beautiful women just about anywhere. A grocery store, laundry mat, walking down the street, sporting events, etc. It’s harder to find a good looking respectable, respectful, financially stable man.” - Kamron, 34
_____
Over the years, there’s been a clear shift in dating and gender roles. Men, who seemingly have more options, have grown accustomed to women putting in more work for a chance at a committed relationship. In this case, Owens feels he’s the prize because Simone Biles led him to believe so by pursuing him from the start, regardless of her all-star status. While he may be a good catch, there was no mention of him seeing his wife as such when asked how he landed the seven-time Olympic champion.
While successful men should be acknowledged for what they’ve worked hard for, it’s important to recognize an amazing woman when they see one. Women who have it all: success, money, and fame can seek a good catch while allowing a man to take the lead in his pursuits of a wife, a lover, and a best friend, which is the ultimate prize.
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Featured image by gruizza/Getty Images