Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?
At this point, I don't think I personally know of anyone who doesn't have a copy of Dr. Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages book. But what I do find interesting is, when it comes to learning how to apply words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service and/or gifts to our relationships, sometimes mastering that can be a bit of a struggle. You first have to figure out what your top love language is, then you have to discover what your loved ones' are (you and they can take a test here). But what I can vouch for is, once you do, it can make connecting with the ones you care about, so much easier.
Keeping this in mind, have you ever wondered how to apply you and your partner's love language to your sex life? Because, think about it—if you both feel the most loved in a certain kind of way, if you brought that knowledge into your bedroom, wouldn't that only make sexual satisfaction that much better? I thought the same thing. That's why I decided to devote a few keystrokes into how you and yours can take your sexual pleasure up a notch, simply by becoming more fluent in each other's primary (two) love languages, every time you're intimate with each other.
Words of Affirmation
Whenever I'm in a counseling session with a couple and one of them either says that they hate dirty talk or they prefer to have sex in silence, there aren't enough GIFs out in cyberspace to express the facial expressions that I'm unable to hide. Wow. There are folks who don't verbally communicate while doing-the-do? How is that even possible? Then I have to pause and remind myself that a part of the reason why I am so shocked is because my primary love language is words of affirmation. In many ways, it explains my writing career. It explains how my friends can oftentimes get off "cheap" by only needing to send me a sentimental email or a Hallmark card on special occasions. And, it also explains why dirty talk is one of my absolute favorite things about sex. Full stop. Hands down.
Someone who prefers for love to be expressed with words is probably going to feel similar to how I am when it comes to their own sex lives. However, it should also go on record that, in order for sex to be a peak satisfaction experience, it's a good idea for the words of affirmation person to be "warmed up" with things that their partner loves about them, their body and even the sex itself. And that's something that shouldn't happen, less than 10 minutes before penetration.
Seducing a words of affirmation individual with texts, out-of-nowhere calls, and even a handwritten love letter can be just the kind of foreplay that can take your next sexual experience with them to an entirely different level!
Quality Time
One of my closest friends is a quality time individual. Come to think of it, the last two men that I was in a relationship with were as well. It's interesting, the kind of things that can trigger this type of individual. My not making eye contact or looking at my phone while we're talking. Them being bigger on creating memories on their birthday rather than receiving an actual present. Yeah, it took me a while to figure out how to make them feel especially loved and appreciated. What I learned was, more than anything else, they simply wanted me to be fully present in the moment. With them.
Can you see how this translates into the bedroom?
When it comes to sex, quality time people are the ones who probably enjoy easing into sex the most. They like to wake up in the morning, just to look at the sunrise before engaging in morning sex. They need pillow talk before gettin' some late at night. And, if anyone is a fan of afterplay (which basically boils down to post-coital affection), quality time people would probably be the ones who are the biggest ones of all.
Physical Touch
Ah. Physical touch. It is so much my second favorite love language that, sometimes, I'm not sure if it actually ranks over words of affirmation. Anyway, just so we're clear, when it comes to having this particular love language outside of the bedroom, it doesn't mean that we want low-key acts of foreplay ALL of the time. Physical touch folks are the ones who like to cuddle while watching a movie, hold hands while walking in the mall and spooning as we fall asleep. We feel and give love by physical contact, but that doesn't mean that it always or automatically is sexual.
OK, but when it comes down to gettin' it in, that's another matter entirely.
Physical touch folks are all about tapping into various erogenous zones. Physical touch folks like to explore different types of touch sensations whether it's with a feather, some ice or a tongue. Physical touch people also enjoy a good massage and can remain in the state of foreplay for much longer than a lot of other love language people are typically able to.
When it comes to this love language, it's all about doing whatever makes touching as erotic and stimulating as possible. For both individuals. Each and every time sex transpires.
Acts of Service
Acts of service is fascinating. Because it probably ranks fifth of my personal love languages needs, it took really studying some people in my world who have it to understand what they truly long for. At the end of the day, what a lot of them have expressed to me is they feel (most) loved by their partner (and those around them) when he or she is doing something to lighten the load of their lives. Washing dishes when they see some in the sink. Picking up clothes when they are driving past the cleaners. Making a grocery run when they notice that something is missing in the fridge or pantry.
So, how does this translate over into sex? The same mentality applies.
One of the things that is a hindrance when it comes to sexual pleasure and fulfillment is stress. So, if you want to truly please your acts of service partner, find ways to alleviate it.
Clean up the bedroom. Run them a soothing bath. Give them a massage. Put the kids down earlier. Cook them a meal with nothing but aphrodisiacs on the menu. Do something that will help them to get their minds off of any and everything that has nothing to do with the two of you, enjoying each other, right at the moment that you want to do so.
Gifts
Personally, I hate that the "gifts people" oftentimes get a bad rap from those who don't have this as their top love language. While some people might think that being a gifts love languages person means that the song "Gold Digger" needs to be queued up at all times, all that a gifts person really needs is for love to be expressed to them in a more tangible sort of way.
On the sexual tip, it could be a new piece of lingerie, a never-heard-of-before sex toy, some flavored lubricant, a different shade of bedding, even flower petals for the bed (or the bath). Anyone who has a partner who prefers love to be expressed through gifts is simply someone who needs to get creative when it comes to showing their partner how into them they are and how exciting it is to have sex with them.
Actually, this can be pretty dope—especially for women—because the art of seduction here requires a little bit of pre-planning. And when someone is proactive about expressing their love (and lust) for their partner, it can be the ultimate aphrodisiac! So…when are you going shopping, sis?
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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We Need To Talk About The Current State Of Black Cinema
In the last decade, Black cinema has seen a revival like no other, thanks to writers and directors Jordan Peele, Barry Jenkins, and Ava DuVernay. Through their narratives, we have been enamored with Black stories of normalcy and horror that have captivated audiences and shown exactly what narratives are deserved and desired by Black viewers. Nevertheless, the current state of Black films still has some ways to go, and can easily accomplish the next stage of its reemergence if it considers the genres where representation is still lacking.
For years, Black audience members have been treated like they're secondary, forced to enjoy the experiences of their white counterparts as if they were sidekicks to their journey instead of walking in their shoes.
On the heels of his Oscar win for "Best Screenplay" for the 2023 comedy/drama American Fiction, first-time director Cord Jefferson shared his perspective on the narrow view of Black characters on-screen and why there's a need for diversity in the Black stories we choose to tell in film. "There is an appetite for things that are different and a story with Black characters that’s going to appeal to a lot of people," Cord explained. "[Black films don’t] need to take place on a plantation, they don’t need to take place in the projects. It doesn’t need to have drug dealers in it and doesn’t need to have gang members in it. There’s an audience and market for depictions of Black life that are as broad and as deep as any other depictions of people’s lives."
Now, as Black cinema continues to grow, they must challenge themselves to create tales that reflect the Black experience beyond the narratives of racism, slavery, and segregation. Instead of creating more window-filled films, where we must peek into the lives of others in hopes of seeing ourselves, it is imperative the new films provide mirrors for Black audiences to finally see themselves as worthy of romance, levity, fantasy, action, and time.
The art we create must challenge Black cinema as they know it to create the Black movies that should have always been. Here's how:
Black Cinema Needs More Romance and Romantic Comedies
Black cinema deserves whirlwind romances with tenderness, complexity, kindness, erraticness, playfulness, and compassion.
Instead of being the second-hand side quest to a tale filled with hardship and misery, Black romantic stories should be placed center stage with intentionality and eloquent execution. It is important that Black romantic comedies be recreated with the same gusto they did in the early 2000s for white romantic comedies, with narratives that are better than the ones we idealize today. In these new narratives, Black romance must show that Black men can be whole and Black women can be easy to love. It is also essential to show that love can be held by same-sex couples.
In Black films, our love needs levity. It needs warmth. It needs nurture, and it needs to come in abundance so that we have examples of more than one way to love. Because at this moment, the only narrative we have been given on Black love comes from that of sadness and grief. Love that requires one or both parties be broken and bruised and bleeding all over the other to the point that hate and self-loathing breed a love like one has never known. This narrative is overplayed, and even more so, it is cruel in creating a falsehood that everything black must be birthed from sorrow.
Take Love & Basketball, the romance/drama, for example, which many consider to be the pinnacle of Black love. I don't need to tell you why because there are a thousand and one comments and videos on how everyone tries to defend this romance. Instead, I’ll tell you why it is not. Their romance is toxic. Simple as that. It’s cultural and controversial, so I won’t go too much into detail, and if I need to, we can have a separate article for that. But the relationship is toxic, and there are moments when both Monica and Q are giving nothing, but expecting everything.
Omar Epps and Sanaa Lathan in 'Love & Basketball'
They never truly learn how to love one another properly and justify their bad examples of love on what they experienced in the past (read "generational trauma"). Though that could be the reason, it did not justify the ultimate outcome. And though some of us might have felt seen by a story like this, especially in our own imperfect love and dating experiences, the Black experience is not a monolith, and it does not represent the healthy love we now seek to cultivate in our lives.
Plus, with such an emphasis placed on films that are dramas, there is a focus on the struggle, whether it be life or love. Paving the way to see ourselves in more films as romantic leads that offer levity, like a romantic comedy, is a welcomed change to the moving and culturally impactful stories we see. When we think of Black romantic comedies of yesteryear, actresses like Queen Latifah and even Gabrielle Union come to mind, but since the early 2000s, we haven't seen nearly as much traction in the world of romantic comedies overall, but especially ones that feature Black leads with Black love interests.
When Black romance stories are made, love should be given to the characters as a gift, not a sentencing. It should unravel beautifully, and the characters and their romance should be cherished. Their love should be watered, tended, and filled with so much beauty the gods themselves cry.
Kofi Siriboe and Jade Eshete in 'Really Love'
Netflix
Black Cinema Needs More Sci-Fi and Fantasy
In the last three decades, we have seen films about a boy who flew across the sky because of the alien he carried in his bicycle basket, objects that have come to life to tell children stories, vampires who glitter in the sun, and children who can visit a magical world by running through brick walls. Yet, you’re still telling me that our imaginations cannot expand far enough to see all this done with characters who are Black? Ridiculous. Pure absurdity. There needs to be more moments of wonderment and amazement in Black cinema.
There needs to be realms that children and adults can escape into when the reality of institutions becomes too much to bear or rationalize. We shouldn’t be thankful that white stories change characters into Black ones so that we can travel along and hope to experience the same sense of wonder as our white counterparts.
Instead, we should have stories that were made for Black characters to travel freely and happily escape the challenges faced in our society. We need realms where we fit perfectly in and can be just as magical and enchanting as we’ve always been.
Black Cinema Needs More Action and Thrillers
Last year, the Times wrote an article focusing on the influence of Richard Rountree's Shaft on the Black action hero narrative. In this article, the writer listed eight movies that were essential to watch that held Black leads as action heroes. Unfortunately, the majority of these movies listed came from the 1900s, with very few films featuring Black action leads in the 2000s or later.
Recently, Amazon Prime released their version ofMr. and Mrs. Smith, where Donald Glover has the chance of being the infamous spy that stole our hearts in 2005. In this, he is the same, charismatic character that he always portrays, with a little more action and thrill than we have associated with him before. Although the show has its flaws, Glover as an action hero makes for an entertaining watch and an interesting take on what it would mean to be a Black spy during moments where blending in in white spaces is essential.
Donald Glover starring in 'Mr. & Mrs. Smith' (2024)
Prime Video
On the other hand, we have Michael B. Jordan, who finds himself in action and thrillers where he is either the villain (Black Panther), anti-hero(Creed), or reluctant, and controversial savior (Without Remorse). In his films, he shows how Black characters can be both the hero and the villain simultaneously based on circumstances and unfortunate interactions with institutions that he has sworn to protect and have sworn to protect him. And of course, we cannot forget about the action films Samuel L. Jackson has starred in, including a revival of the aforementioned Shaft in the 2000s.
However, despite the list of Black actors above, the film industry still lacks tremendously in the Black action protagonist department. Despite its need, we rarely see Black actors allotted the opportunity to run from exploding buildings like Tom Cruise in any Mission Impossible film or the ability to hunt down the kidnappers of various Black girls taken from their father's home, as Liam Neeson does in Taken.
To enhance Black cinema, the industry needs to consider making Black characters the hero of their own stories, and for their own people. These action films must be just as outlandish and enticing as the action films made before, without a greater chance of a happy ending and outcome. Now that the action and thriller genre is looking for a revival, it is wise to consider using Black people as the heroes they've always been and rarely recognized as.
Black Cinema Needs More Black Period Pieces (outside of slavery and segregation)
The last thing we need is another damn story rotted in our nation’s mistreatment of Black people. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that these stories are not important. I am just saying it is the last damn thing that we need. Why? Because we already have 101 Dalmatians worth of these, and we don’t need more. If you want a period piece on slavery and segregation, watch 12 Years a Slave or Harriet, or Birth of a Nation, or Emancipation, or Antebellum, or Hidden Figures, or Freedom, or Remember the Titans, or Emperor, or….you get the point. There are plenty of movies about Black people and our centuries’ worth of hardship.
However, our stories are more than this, and there are moments in history that I believe fiction writers can integrate Black people and their experiences without making slavery and segregation stand in the forefront; think series likeBridgertonor Queen Charlotte.
India Ria Amarteifio as Queen Charlotte in 'Queeen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story'
Netflix
Hell, take Lovecraft Country, for example. This story acknowledged racism, segregation, and mistreatment of Black people. However, the narratives given to the characters in this period piece were so complex and intricate, that the last thing they worried about was racism itself. In a world where monsters are rooted at every corner, the societal pressures of segregation are in the back of their minds.
Though they still dealt with moments relating to racism, their character’s experiences weren’t based only on it. The only time it was was when they were around white characters, and outside of it, they were well-rounded characters who experienced life as it was, most importantly outside of the box society tries to fit them in. This needs to happen, again. I want stories where Black people speak in modern English, walking around their big ass gardens in dolly, vintage, and cottage-core dresses, and pleated pants with suspenders.
We need stories in history where Black people can exist outside of the white historical lens.
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