Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?
At this point, I don't think I personally know of anyone who doesn't have a copy of Dr. Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages book. But what I do find interesting is, when it comes to learning how to apply words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service and/or gifts to our relationships, sometimes mastering that can be a bit of a struggle. You first have to figure out what your top love language is, then you have to discover what your loved ones' are (you and they can take a test here). But what I can vouch for is, once you do, it can make connecting with the ones you care about, so much easier.
Keeping this in mind, have you ever wondered how to apply you and your partner's love language to your sex life? Because, think about it—if you both feel the most loved in a certain kind of way, if you brought that knowledge into your bedroom, wouldn't that only make sexual satisfaction that much better? I thought the same thing. That's why I decided to devote a few keystrokes into how you and yours can take your sexual pleasure up a notch, simply by becoming more fluent in each other's primary (two) love languages, every time you're intimate with each other.
Words of Affirmation
Whenever I'm in a counseling session with a couple and one of them either says that they hate dirty talk or they prefer to have sex in silence, there aren't enough GIFs out in cyberspace to express the facial expressions that I'm unable to hide. Wow. There are folks who don't verbally communicate while doing-the-do? How is that even possible? Then I have to pause and remind myself that a part of the reason why I am so shocked is because my primary love language is words of affirmation. In many ways, it explains my writing career. It explains how my friends can oftentimes get off "cheap" by only needing to send me a sentimental email or a Hallmark card on special occasions. And, it also explains why dirty talk is one of my absolute favorite things about sex. Full stop. Hands down.
Someone who prefers for love to be expressed with words is probably going to feel similar to how I am when it comes to their own sex lives. However, it should also go on record that, in order for sex to be a peak satisfaction experience, it's a good idea for the words of affirmation person to be "warmed up" with things that their partner loves about them, their body and even the sex itself. And that's something that shouldn't happen, less than 10 minutes before penetration.
Seducing a words of affirmation individual with texts, out-of-nowhere calls, and even a handwritten love letter can be just the kind of foreplay that can take your next sexual experience with them to an entirely different level!
Quality Time
One of my closest friends is a quality time individual. Come to think of it, the last two men that I was in a relationship with were as well. It's interesting, the kind of things that can trigger this type of individual. My not making eye contact or looking at my phone while we're talking. Them being bigger on creating memories on their birthday rather than receiving an actual present. Yeah, it took me a while to figure out how to make them feel especially loved and appreciated. What I learned was, more than anything else, they simply wanted me to be fully present in the moment. With them.
Can you see how this translates into the bedroom?
When it comes to sex, quality time people are the ones who probably enjoy easing into sex the most. They like to wake up in the morning, just to look at the sunrise before engaging in morning sex. They need pillow talk before gettin' some late at night. And, if anyone is a fan of afterplay (which basically boils down to post-coital affection), quality time people would probably be the ones who are the biggest ones of all.
Physical Touch
Ah. Physical touch. It is so much my second favorite love language that, sometimes, I'm not sure if it actually ranks over words of affirmation. Anyway, just so we're clear, when it comes to having this particular love language outside of the bedroom, it doesn't mean that we want low-key acts of foreplay ALL of the time. Physical touch folks are the ones who like to cuddle while watching a movie, hold hands while walking in the mall and spooning as we fall asleep. We feel and give love by physical contact, but that doesn't mean that it always or automatically is sexual.
OK, but when it comes down to gettin' it in, that's another matter entirely.
Physical touch folks are all about tapping into various erogenous zones. Physical touch folks like to explore different types of touch sensations whether it's with a feather, some ice or a tongue. Physical touch people also enjoy a good massage and can remain in the state of foreplay for much longer than a lot of other love language people are typically able to.
When it comes to this love language, it's all about doing whatever makes touching as erotic and stimulating as possible. For both individuals. Each and every time sex transpires.
Acts of Service
Acts of service is fascinating. Because it probably ranks fifth of my personal love languages needs, it took really studying some people in my world who have it to understand what they truly long for. At the end of the day, what a lot of them have expressed to me is they feel (most) loved by their partner (and those around them) when he or she is doing something to lighten the load of their lives. Washing dishes when they see some in the sink. Picking up clothes when they are driving past the cleaners. Making a grocery run when they notice that something is missing in the fridge or pantry.
So, how does this translate over into sex? The same mentality applies.
One of the things that is a hindrance when it comes to sexual pleasure and fulfillment is stress. So, if you want to truly please your acts of service partner, find ways to alleviate it.
Clean up the bedroom. Run them a soothing bath. Give them a massage. Put the kids down earlier. Cook them a meal with nothing but aphrodisiacs on the menu. Do something that will help them to get their minds off of any and everything that has nothing to do with the two of you, enjoying each other, right at the moment that you want to do so.
Gifts
Personally, I hate that the "gifts people" oftentimes get a bad rap from those who don't have this as their top love language. While some people might think that being a gifts love languages person means that the song "Gold Digger" needs to be queued up at all times, all that a gifts person really needs is for love to be expressed to them in a more tangible sort of way.
On the sexual tip, it could be a new piece of lingerie, a never-heard-of-before sex toy, some flavored lubricant, a different shade of bedding, even flower petals for the bed (or the bath). Anyone who has a partner who prefers love to be expressed through gifts is simply someone who needs to get creative when it comes to showing their partner how into them they are and how exciting it is to have sex with them.
Actually, this can be pretty dope—especially for women—because the art of seduction here requires a little bit of pre-planning. And when someone is proactive about expressing their love (and lust) for their partner, it can be the ultimate aphrodisiac! So…when are you going shopping, sis?
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
From Heartbreak To Healing: The Multifaceted Journey Of Nazanin Mandi
Nazanin Mandi is never out of options.
About a year ago, the 37-year-old life coach and actress was navigating life after divorce and determined to experience homeownership for the first time as a single woman. She’d been married to the R&B singer Miguel for three years, following a long-term relationship that started when she was 18 years old. But, in 2022, she filed for divorce. It was certainly the most public change she made but, in reality, it was just one of many decisions to refocus and reach her full potential in recent years.
“During my 20s, I was not ready for more. I was living a really crazy life. It was unpredictable. I was helping somebody else grow. It was a lot, and it was intense. I was not pouring into myself the way I should’ve been,” she says in an xoNecole exclusive.
Still, as Mandi worked to get to know herself and her needs during this new phase of life, she realized the home she’d purchased wasn’t a good fit. Overwhelmed by the echoing of her voice in the spacious home, she had a breakdown and called her cousin, who immediately suggested she lease the home and live somewhere else. “I woke up in my house, and I was like, ‘This is not it for me,” she says. “All those years, I had been accustomed to living a certain way [and] in a certain house, so I bought myself a house like [my old home]. But my family was not the same. Waking up in that house by myself, it highlighted the divorce. I was like, ‘Oh, no, we can’t do this. This is not it.’ My life has changed, so my choices need to change.” At that moment, Mandi became open to the idea that there wasn’t one set way to achieve ownership on her own.
“I feel so much better. I’m in a smaller place. My best friend lives a minute from me and I can walk to her house,” she tells me during a Zoom interview from her home one recent afternoon in early February. In the past two years, she hasn’t just been advising other people on varying circumstances, she’s also been healing herself.
"During my 20s, I was not ready for more. I was living a really crazy life. It was unpredictable. I was helping somebody else grow. It was a lot, and it was intense. I was not pouring into myself the way I should’ve been."
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
If supporters began following Nazanin Mandi because of her conventional beauty or the contagious, bright, white smile she often wears in many of her photos, that’s likely not the reason they’ve stuck around. Instead, she’s amassed a following based on her transparency about her own anxiety and depression, along with the encouraging messages of self-acceptance, gratitude, ambition, and humility that are often sprinkled into her social media posts.
In an era where looking at Instagram photos of models can often lead to feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, Nazanin Mandi is determined to be more than eye candy. She’s food for her follower’s souls, too.
Since being recruited to model while dining at an In-N-Out at 10 years old, Mandi has worked in many areas of entertainment. The Valencia, California native has modeled for brands such as Olay, Savage X Fenty, and Good American. As a teen, she sang at Carnegie Hall and auditioned for season 1 of American Idol, making it all the way to Hollywood before producers disqualified her for lying about her age. (Mandi was 15 at the time, and contestants had to be at least 16 years old.) Mandi has acted, too, including appearing on Disney’s That’s So Raven as a teenager and on the BET+ series Games People Play and the Prime series Á La Carte in more recent years.
In recent years, though, she’s also expanded her professional goals outside of entertainment, too. After becoming a certified life coach in 2020, Mandi launched the membership platform You Bloome in 2022 with the hopes of providing wellness services to others, including her self-published gratitude journal. “I wish I had access to something like You Bloome earlier in my own life,” she writes on the company’s website. The actress, who has been forthcoming about her struggles with anxiety and depression, has never had a life coach, but credits therapy as a tool that “really, really saved me and it laid the foundation to who I am becoming.”
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
"I’m trying to find the balance between living life and knowing that whatever is meant for me is going to happen, but also know that I’m doing everything in my power to make those things happen and better myself."
While she’s always had a nurturing personality, Mandi says her interest in becoming a life coach was inspired by the women who would message her for advice on social media. “I would answer them back. It really sparked a fire within myself to help people,” she says.
You Bloome currently has three membership tiers, ranging in price from $2.99 to $39.99 per month. The highest tier offers a motivational text message twice a week, two live, group coaching sessions per month, and more. “We get emotional. We cry. We laugh. It’s really beautiful. I’ve built close relationships with my members through this. It’s been inspiring both ways,” Mandi says of the sessions. Still, the founder says she hopes to take on more motivational and keynote speaking opportunities in the future with the hopes of impacting as many people as possible.
And, she’s hoping to do all of this while continuing to explore a career as an entertainer.
At this point in her life, Mandi says she’s gained enough perspective on modeling, music, and acting to realize what she wants to prioritize moving forward. “We are going full force with acting,” she says, noting her goal is “to book a series regular or a film that impacts my career and the world.” She plans to continue to model, too, but has no desire to pursue music.
“I don’t want any part of that because I know what that life entails,” she says. “I don’t want to tour. I don’t want to do any of that. That is not where my heart is at.”
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
If you ask Mandi, she’ll tell you she feels most comfortable in front of a camera, but she’ll also admit that she’s recently experienced a lot of imposter syndrome when thinking about her acting career. “I think it’s a fear of not succeeding,” she says. If anything, she adds, she’s harder on herself now than she’s ever been. “There were distractions before. There’s no distractions now,” she says. “I’m putting pressure on myself for no reason.”
This is where the life coach’s own personal healing comes into play. Mandi says she’s learning recently that “slow progress is still big progress at the end of the day.”
“Currently, I’m trying to find the balance between living life and knowing that whatever is meant for me is going to happen, but also know that I’m doing everything in my power to make those things happen and better myself,” she adds.
Still, one of Mandi’s strengths is that she doesn’t feel the pressure to limit herself to just one passion. From working as a life coach to pursuing acting, she has given herself grace to explore all other dreams.
“We can be allowed to be many different things in this lifetime,” she says. “As people, our identities are allowed to expand. Don’t put us in a fucking box. I cannot live that way anymore.”
For more of Nazanin, follow her on Instagram @nazaninmandi.
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12 Women Speak On Signs That You're Getting Married For The WRONG Reasons
If there’s one saying that low-key irks me, it’s “Everything happens for a reason.” Duh, and you don’t say. I don’t even know why that is supposed to come off as being any type of profound, do you? Nah, to me, I think life should be about “everything happening with a purpose,” — and that’s why, when it comes to my own life purpose (which has a lot to do with covenant-based relationships), I am so intentional about doing everything that I can to make sure that people don’t just get married for the right reasons; they need to choose the right person too.
Otherwise, they could end up in the world of an Anne Bancroft quote that says, “If you marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons, then no matter how hard you work, it's never going to work, because then you have to completely change yourself, completely change them, completely — by that time, you're both dead.”
Now, do I 1000 percent believe that marrying the wrong person for the wrong reasons equates to automatic disaster, no matter what? No. I know couples who did just that (at least on some level), and yet, because they took their vows seriously, they actually chose to make their marriage work. In fact, many of them told me that it matured them in ways that they never would have otherwise. However, that’s a huge gamble. Besides, wouldn’t it just be better to do things the right way from the jump? And that includes making sure that your motives are in a healthy and honest place before standing in front of God, your family and friends, and “him” and making all sorts of promises and pledges.
Signs You're Getting Married for the Wrong Reasons
So, let’s take some preventative measures today, shall we? With the help of 12 women in my world, I’m about to share with you some clear signs that when it comes to marriage, if these are your motives, there’s a very big possibility that you are getting married for the wrong reasons — and that could make the purpose of marriage a real struggle for you…in ways that you may not notice until it’s far too late.
*Middle names are always used in my interview pieces so that people are able to speak super freely*
1. Ursula. 41. Married for Six Years.
“Your clock. Getting married because you want to have kids, so you rush into marriage in order to do so, is something that you will regret on levels that you cannot begin to imagine because you’re assuming that all you need to do is get a husband and everything will automatically fall into place. What if you have trouble conceiving? What if you and your husband don’t have the same values as far as rearing children? What if he changes his mind and doesn’t want kids at all? Children are a blessing. Even more so if you are raising them with someone who is going to make the process easier for you — and that means choosing a good man over just someone who can be your children’s father. If you’re looking for sperm more than a husband, you are on a dangerous road, sis.”
2. Shalawndria. 30. Divorced.
“DO NOT GET MARRIED BECAUSE YOU ARE LONELY. I’m pretty sure Shellie can attest to the fact that there are a lot of lonely wives out here. And besides, if you’re expecting a man to fill voids that you can’t even fill yourself, you are in for a world full of heartache — and I know what I’m talking about. I got married because, rather than doing self-work, I expected my man to ‘fix’ it all. Being a spouse is already a full-time job; no one wants to be a fill-in therapist, too. Love is great, and I’m still a believer, but if you think that your partner’s job is to heal you, you will end up in divorce court faster than I did. Heal first. Then, pick a husband. You’ll choose differently.”
"Love is great, and I'm still a believer, but if you think that your partner's job is to heal you, you will end up in divorce court faster than I did. Heal first. Then, pick a husband. You'll choose differently."
3. Maxine. 50. Divorced for Three Years.
“Don’t get married to get over someone else. It doesn’t work. Women love to talk about men cheating, but a lot of us have emotional affairs that we try to justify, or we rationalize staying in touch with someone from our past who should’ve been cut off a long time ago. If there is a man who still gives you butterflies, who you still kinda stalk on socials, or who you even send a ‘Happy Birthday’ message to on an annual basis — you need to get yourself all the way together before saying ‘I do.’ I know of what I speak. I thought that getting married to a good man is what would get me past the love of my life. Hmph. No man is good enough when you’re not completely over someone. Don’t drag anyone into all of that. Get off that man first. And if you don’t want to, stay single instead of being in a relationship.”
4. Taleeyah. 29. Married for Two Years.
“I didn’t realize how ‘rough I was around the edges’ until I got married. Because, let’s not act like we aren’t biased when it comes to how we see ourselves — and our friends? Sometimes, they don’t want to tell us what we need to hear either because they don’t want to hurt our feelings or, let’s be real, they don’t feel like going through the drama. But when you’re sharing a bathroom and bedroom with someone, it’s pretty hard to hide who you really are — and that means that you are gonna hear about yourself whether you want to hear it or not. I could go on about this all day, but the best way to condense the point is, ‘If you don’t want to be held accountable on a regular basis’, don’t get married. Thinking that this man is only going to tell you how awesome you are all of the time without calling you out is the grandest delusion of relationships. Well, marital ones.”
5. Edin. 47. Married for 21 Years.
“Looking for your husband to treat you like your dad. Shellie counseled us for a season, and she brought up something that I never thought about before: daughters are princesses; wives are queens. You shouldn’t expect your husband to treat you like your dad would because you’re an adult as a wife. If you’re expecting to just sit around and be doted on all day long while you spend a man’s money, you need to get a season pass to the movie theater, not get married. If your father is doing a bang-up job, he's preparing you for how to live with a man, compromise with a man, and yes, as much as some of you don’t want to hear it, respect a man. He will make it to where you can be in harmony with someone who is the same gender as him. You’re not a little girl anymore, and nothing will wake you up to that fact like marriage will. Trust me.”
6. Tarren. 33. Engaged for a Year.
“A distraction. This isn’t my first engagement, and it’s my fault that the last one didn’t work out. There was stuff that I didn’t want to face when it came to my career, some family drama, and my finances, and so I used a relationship as a distraction. What I didn’t prepare myself for was the reality that you can only run for so long — there are only so many dates, trips, and gifts before you have to face the reality that you have to deal with some things, and it’s not fair to drag someone into your mess just because you don’t want to. Marriage doesn’t make your mess go away. If anything, marriage makes it stare you dead in your face until you deal with it. My engagement is longer than I planned now because I want to make sure that I don’t do to this man what I did to my ex. He’s grateful, and so am I.”
"Marriage doesn’t make your mess go away. If anything, marriage makes it stare you dead in your face until you deal with it. My engagement is longer than I planned now because I want to make sure that I don’t do to this man what I did to my ex. He’s grateful, and so am I."
7. Arlee. 38. Divorced for Six Years.
“Don’t get married as a financial bailout plan — and don’t act like some of you haven’t been thinking about it. It’s not someone else’s job or responsibility to pay off your student loans, pay off your credit cards, or get your savings account out of the negative. Shellie talks often about how women are supposed to be the helpmates, but so many are weighing men down with all of these problems that they had before their guy ever arrived. She’s right. You are helping no one if your finances are a hot ass mess. If your financial plan is to get a husband to fix your BS, you are totally getting married for the wrong reasons.”
8. Keelah. 26. Engaged for Three Months.
“I come from a line of women who ignored the little voice in their head that told them not to get married to the men that they did. From where I stand, that is the greatest example of getting married for the wrong reason. It’s not unrealistic to say that getting married should be one of the best times of your entire life — including one of the most peaceful. When I think of my bae, I don’t have one hesitation, question, or fear. I don’t feel like I’m rushing, or avoiding, or in denial. We’ve welcomed therapy for ourselves, counseling with each other, and insights from those who care about us.
"We’ve asked each other some really hard questions and have slowed things down when we didn’t have immediate answers. If your intention is to take marriage seriously, you can’t treat it like a high school science experiment…like, ‘Welp, that didn’t work. Oh well.’ Thinking that you can just keep getting married over and over again sounds like you think marriage is a game. My advice? Whatever is telling you to wait, you should do it until you figure out what that’s all about. If you don’t, and you jump a broom anyway — I’m not sure there could be a worse reason to get married.”
9. Beven. 31. Married for Four Years.
“PLEASE don’t get married to change someone. How would you feel if someone did that to you? If you can’t marry someone just as they are right now, either they aren’t the one for you, or you need to learn how to not be such a control freak. Too many people treat their partner like a project; that’s frustrating for them and exhausting for you. A part of what comes with loving someone is accepting them. If you aren’t prepared to do that, push the wedding date back.”
10. Aniyah. 36. Divorced for Six Months.
“Ask a room full of women what their wedding day is going to be like, and they’ve got every detail down. Ask them what kind of wife they plan to be, and if you listen really carefully, it’s usually about what they expect to receive more than give. It’s like they think that marriage is one long wedding day. It’s not. Even though my divorce is fairly new, I’m not jaded about marriage. What I will say is I was delusional about what it required before I did it. A wife requires a lot. Learn as much as you can about it before getting married. Don’t do like I did and find out that what you thought you signed for isn’t what you’re in.”11. Yumi. 29. Married for Five Years.
“You want someone to love you more than you love you, that’s the wrong reason. Men are different than we are anyway, so they aren’t going to express themselves in the way that we would to ourselves — if that makes sense. Like, I’m big on pampering. My husband is more practical. He budgets so that I can go all out about four times a year on spa days and stuff, but is he going to plan it out? He’s not. If I spent a lot of time trying to get him to be how I am, we’d both be pissed. While you’re single, get into the habit of how to love yourself so that the pressure doesn’t fall solely on your husband when you get married. Some people wait for a mate to treat themselves a certain way. That mistake is HUGE.”
12. Denaye. 52. Married for 34 Years.
“Have mercy! PLEASE DO NOT GET MARRIED THINKING THAT YOUR MARRIAGE IS GOING TO BE JUST LIKE SOMEONE ELSE’S! I don’t care if it’s your best friend, your mama, or some couple at church. Too many women are out here competing with each other, whether they realize it or not, and it’s because they play the comparison game. Just like no two people are alike, no two marriages are either. So, if you plan on getting married only to wear your man out with all of this ‘So-and-so’s husband does such-and-such’ — do you and him a favor and just…don’t. You can go to other people for advice, but ultimately, you have to figure out how to customize what works best for you and yours…and others have nothing to do with that.”
Shellie here: And yes, she asked me to “scream” (via all caps) that entire sentence; that is just how much she meant it, chile.
___
An actor by the name of Jonathan Pryce once said, “Even a good decision, if made for the wrong reasons, can be a wrong decision.” Greater words have not been spoken when it comes to marriage. So, if marriage is high on your priority list right through here, I really hope that you take all of the wisdom that was just shared to heart.
Marriage is one of, if not the, biggest decisions that you will ever make.
Don’t make it for the wrong reasons.
It’s not worth it. It really isn’t.
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