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I say this because individuals will then reply with things like, “It smells like a hint of so-and-so and such-and such. Is that right?” or “It’s not that big of a deal. What is it?” or my personal pushy favorite: “You don’t tell? What does that mean? I’m just asking what you are wearing”, as they stand and wait for me to totally change my mind about what I already told them — which I don’t. And I won’t.
I heard you. The answer is “no.” Access to my own information is a privilege not a right. On any level.
Access. Pretty much any relationship that you have — no matter how surface level or deep it goes — comes with a certain amount of access to you, your life, and what you have to offer. What access means is that you have given another person the right or permission to approach you, speak to you (including how they speak to you), interact with you, learn about you…benefit from you. And do you know what the cool thing about that is?
If you don’t give someone the approval to do so and they try and proceed anyway…what they are pretty much doing is revealing to you that they should be DENIED ACCESS because, at the least, they are disrespecting you and, at the most, they are trying to utilize force — and either way, that is confirmation that they are someone who should be granted much access to you at all.
Have mercy. Can you imagine how much more energy you would have, how much more smoothly your interactions with others would go, and how much clarity you would actually get if you made the daily decision to apply the word “access” to your life? A game-changer and stress-reliever, indeed.
Keeping this point in mind, take a moment to read seven signs that there is a really good chance that someone (or several individuals) is out here having way more access to you than they actually should. That way, you can put some necessary boundaries in place for the sake of your overall health and well-being.
7 Signs Someone Has Too Much Access To You
1. They Act Entitled to You and Whatever You Have to Offer
GiphySomething that I spent quite a bit of time discussing in my latest book is how to deal with different kinds of narcissists (check out “You Could Be Turning Into A Narcissist...And You Don't Even Know It”) — especially familial and church-going ones. And y’all, even though I know that the word “narcissist” gets tossed around like confetti these days, please believe there’s a very telling sign that you’ve got one in your midst: they tend to feel like they are entitled to whatever you have; hell, even going so far as to act like you’re the problem whenever you remind them that they aren’t.
And what are some indicators of an entitled-acting person?
- They are quite arrogant and self-absorbed
- They are selfish as all get out
- They like to make ridiculous and/or unrealistic demands
- They don’t care if what they are expecting of you is problematic or an inconvenience to your world; they want it anyway
- They move in assumptions instead of requests
- They aren’t gracious or grateful
- They believe that they should be the exception to every rule — including your boundaries
And here’s the thing about entitled people (especially when they are narcissists as well): you’ll never be able to satisfy them because they are constantly wanting more — and feeling like you should be the one (or at least one of the ones) to give it to them. What that ultimately means is giving in to them all of the time is literally like “feeding the monster.”
Not only that but they are also pretty parasitic when it comes to your life because they tend to take far more than they give (more on that later). Yeah, entitled folks really can be the worst. And yes, if you’ve got these kinds of people in your world, it’s pretty much a given that they have way too much access to you than they ever should.
2. They Bogart About Your Business
GiphySpeaking of entitled ass individuals — I’ve got some relatives who think that just because they want to know certain things about my life (or life decisions) that they are automatically owed that information. Back when I was a younger adult, frankly, I was too scared to tell them that they weren’t. Now, though? Chile, please. Not only is ANY detail of my life privileged intel, but your opinion about whatever I choose or choose not to share is just that — an opinion. I don’t care what role/position you hold, how old (or how much older than I am) you are, or if you don’t agree with what I just said. I am grown, I have been for quite some time now, and I don’t need your permission to say or do what I choose to say or do.
When you’re dealing with people who think that your business should be their own and they press, nag, or pressure you about this very fact, that is also someone who has more access to you than they should — just by them having the balls to approach you in that fashion. Always remember that information creates levels of intimacy and you have every right to determine who has the right to get close to you and…who doesn’t. (By the way, the safe people are the ones who get and totally accept this poignant truth.)
3. They Think That Their Emergency Should Be Your Own
GiphyOne of my absolute favorite people in my world also reigns supreme when it comes to one of my peak pet peeves: they want you to be damn near immediately available to them whenever they reach out to you — oh, but getting them when you’re on the “need side”? It really is a literal crap shoot. It’s weird too because it’s not that this person isn’t someone who has my back. It’s just that…when I call them, there’s no telling if their ringer is on or if the phone is even in the same room that they are in and so if I happen to be in a bind, it could take them a series of minutes to find that out.
Meanwhile, if I don’t pick up when they call, they’re immediately sending texts to see why not. LOL. Know why? It’s basically because they’ve learned that I am far more accessible than they are — and it’s kind of got them feeling pretty bold about that.
Y’all, my friends know that if anyone has them in a clutch, I do. However, with folks like the friend that I’ve just mentioned, I’ve had to talk to them about the fact that just like they have a life, so do I — and what comes with that is the conclusion that just because something may be hella pressing to them, that doesn’t always and/or automatically mean that I should feel the same way.
Unfortunately, a lot of people are unnecessarily stressed out, far more than they ever should be, and it’s all because they believe that since someone else has an urgent matter they should share the load in the way that that person sees fit — and that’s simply not true.
I believe I’ve mentioned before that a lot of freedom came into my life once I learned the difference between who I am responsible for vs. who I am responsible to. That is its own article yet, for now, I’ll just say that you are responsible for yourself and, if you have children who aren’t adults, them. Everyone else, there are levels of accountability on the “to” point. Work that out for yourself and then move accordingly.
4. You Barely Have Any Boundaries Where They Are Concerned
GiphyI truly debated mentioning this one first because folks who choose not to honor your boundaries? And then you let them continue to do so? Oh, they sho ‘nuf have far too much access to you. Because I grew up with family members who moved like this, it was a long time before I realized that I don’t need to defend, explain, or justify WHY I set the limits that I do — and if I choose to expound, that is also privileged information because it’s certainly not a right for you to know why I decide for you to only have but so much space in my world.
To tell you the truth, that’s a big part of the reason why I continue to not have any social media accounts. Because I share so much of myself in my writing, I’m not interested in giving people I don’t even know the impression that they are entitled to know additional stuff about me or that they can ask certain things of me simply because they follow me on an IG page. I also have to be very careful with my clients in the sense that, although I am pretty casual in my approach, sometimes they have to be reminded that this is a work relationship, not a friendship; therefore, feeling like they should have access to me outside of our sessions isn’t accurate. Free time is for personal relationships.
Yet folks respecting boundaries goes way beyond that. When you tell people “no” or even “wait,” watch how they respond or react. If they’re irritated, or triggered or they try to get you to explain why you won’t do what they want (or why you won’t do it when they want you to), this is another example of them not respecting your boundaries. Indeed, as author Emma Gannon once said, “The only people who get upset when you start setting boundaries are the ones who benefited from you not having them.” Pass the plate. 10 times.
5. The Mere Thought of Them Drains You
GiphySometime last year, three different people told me the exact same thing about one person: they don’t like to answer their calls because it is mentally and emotionally draining to do so. I know this individual and so I can vouch for the fact that it’s not because they aren’t smart, funny, or engaging — it’s just that (especially when they get a couple of drinks in them) they really should get into some therapy because they are also bitter about many things, they’re emotionally stagnant about several experiences and they seem to focus on their problems far more than working to find real and lasting solutions. And people like that? BOY ARE THEY DRAINING.
We all have moments when we need someone to listen to us vent. Still, sometimes shouldn’t be all of the time and they definitely shouldn’t try to make you feel bad when you simply don’t have the ear or shoulder to give. People who do?
You already know what I’m going to say — they definitely have way too much access to you because if they think that you should be their on-call counselor? Not only are they a form of an energy vampire, but they are also kind of manipulating you. I say this because people should be grateful when others make time for their issues, problems, and concerns; they never should demand someone’s compassion, empathy, or energy. Again, only energy vampires roll that way — and those people are absolutely exhausting on every level. For your own sanity, monitor how much access they have to you.
6. They Don’t Respect Your Time
GiphyMy damn twenties, boy. One day (hopefully soon), I’m going to write an article about how one of the biggest mistakes that young people make is thinking that 20-30 is when they should just jack off time and be reckless with their lives. For now, though, I’ll give an example of how I was back then — and how I was someone who didn’t respect other people’s time.
Back in the day, there was a couple in my life who also had a family, and boy, was I notorious for making plans with them…and then breaking them — without warning too. I mean that I would literally say that I am on my way for (say) dinner and then never show or call. Then when they would call me to see if I was okay and also tell me how foul I was for doing that, I would have the nerve to be irritated.
Immature. Selfish. Way too accessible to their lives. I was all of these things.
People who are constantly late. People who don’t keep appointments. People who are always making last-minute changes, who have a flippant attitude about your schedule, and/or will dismiss your need for time or space (for whatever the reason) — these are all examples of them not respecting your time which ultimately means that they don’t respect you…which also means that they have way too much access to you. Because why should someone be permitted into the time, effort, energy, and resources that you have to offer if they don’t even act as if your time and your being are valuable to them?
7. You Give More to Them than Your Damn Self
GiphyLet’s wrap this up with the fact that a healthy relationship has a healthy balance of give and take. That said, y’all, I used to be a bit of a tit-for-tat kind of person. What finally made me stop was realizing that I was acting that way because I was in a series of relationships where I was doing most of the giving. These days? My relationships are so seamless when it comes to reciprocity that, although my friends and I oftentimes give differently, we are there for each other, PERIOD.
One example of this is when my house burned down a few years back and then I lost one of my main paying gigs a month later, a friend of mine gave a generous amount towards the deposit of where I now live. It wasn’t a loan, it was a gift. Then, several months later, when they talked to me about needing to hire an assistant to do their scheduling and book some hotels while they were on the road, I volunteered to do it for free…indefinitely. If we were “measuring” things, I “paid off my debt” within the first three months of taking that on and that was years ago. Yet that isn’t the point: the point is that they came through when I needed them and I am here to do the same.
If when you think about your own relationships, there are people who you can’t feel this confident about, THEY HAVE WAY TOO MUCH ACCESS TO YOU. Even access should have some give and take to it — not just people who you grant permission to benefit from you while they refuse (because it is ALWAYS) a choice to do the same.
___
A dictionary definition of access is “the ability, right, or permission to approach, enter, speak with, or use.” A part of what comes with having self-respect is realizing that you have the power to decide who gets to approach you, enter into your life, speak to you, and utilize you.
Now that you see those who need to be “reeled back” some, what are you going to do about it?
For those who need access denied, that’s not a bad thing. It is a form of self-preservation.
One that you won’t regret. I can vouch for that a billion times over.
Happily and peacefully so.
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