When it comes to reproductive rights in this country, things have gone left fast. Well, if you’re on the outside looking in that is. In this case, being on the outside simply means those of us who weren’t on the frontlines of activism as it pertains to abortion access. Those who had been anticipating this outcome were laying the groundwork for the overturning of Roe v. Wade for quite some time now. And honestly, it didn’t take much to notice the direction things were headed in with the many trigger bans. So perhaps I underestimate all of our intelligence when I say those on the frontlines understood what was going on when in reality I think many of us could see the writing on the wall, but just thought we had more time.
What I hadn’t considered was how difficult and real having to talk my sister through all the ways her rights could now be violated would feel. Particularly her right to privacy as a young Black woman, who is already under hyper surveillance in this world. I hadn’t considered how cringe it would feel having companies like Dick’s Sporting Goods pledge to stand by their employees. Because yes, kudos to them for getting the big picture, but can we also admit how wild it is that we now have to disclose to our employers our abortion history in order to get the medical attention we need? Not only is it heartbreaking but it’s a slippery slope, and just the beginning of our right to privacy being peeled back — even if and when the intention is well-meaning.
But one thing we must not do is wallow. It’s pivotal that we dust off our big girl panties and forge ahead learning, understanding, and setting measures that protect us.
If you find yourself or a loved one needing an abortion, here are some things you can do to be as safe as possible from the political circus show.
1. Go off the grid.
Use a private browser when booking your abortion appointment. I can’t stress enough the overturning of Roe v. Wade has also stripped you of your right to privacy. And if you are using apps to track your period, go back to tracking your menstrual cycle using a paper calendar. It will be possible for the government to access assumed information about your pregnancy history. Though it seems wild that they might be able to use this against you, understand this is the same government that has prosecuted women for having miscarriages.
2. Schedule your appointment ASAP.
If you want to get an abortion, but are not sure where to find abortion services and care, resources like Abortion Finder provide a directory of verified abortion service providers in the U.S. I would go as far as to say the moment you’re even considering an abortion, go ahead and schedule it. There were already so many things that could go awry but now that we’re living in a post-Roe world you can expect that the roadblocks to safe abortion care will be made even more sturdy. Don’t worry about the money quite yet if that’s on your mind. Don’t worry about the how and the when. You’ll want to have the most accurate last menstrual period (LMP) on hand so the staff can give you the most accurate cost for your service, as abortion prices rise based on how far along you are.
Likewise, if you change your mind you’ll want to call and cancel especially if you’ve received funding. In this climate, it’s imperative to be considerate of those who may need the appointment or the funding.
3. Look into funding options for your abortion.
The time to worry about money is while booking your appointment, not a minute before that. While talking to whichever clinic you go with, ask them about funding such as the National Abortion Federation or NAF. NAF provides funding to people seeking abortion across the country. But don’t stop there if you need more funding. Call your local funds as they only tend to give to state residents. Keep in mind local funds don’t care what state you’re having your abortion in. They want your ID to be within the bounds of the region they serve. Use the National Network of Abortion Funds to locate a local fund near you!
Most funds have an intake form that requires them to ensure you qualify, though I understand the irony of this, it will become more necessary to ensure they’re being sparing since the need for funding will go up drastically. Larger funds may also have the ability to provide funding that can be used for travel arrangements, child care, hotels, etc.
4. Avoid crisis pregnancy centers.
This is no easy feat, but NNAF does have a page dedicated to how to find an abortion clinic for you. The intention here is to help you weed out clinics that might otherwise be crisis pregnancy centers. These places don’t assist you, they’re often run by some of the same people who protest and shame people outside of actual abortion clinics. They use similar practices to convince you to change your mind, including promises to help you with your postpartum experience if you decide not to move forward with your abortion.
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5. Have a reliable driver.
If you opt to use anesthesia or even Xanax to provide comfort during your abortion, you’ll need a driver. Not only do you want to be sure that you have a driver who won’t make you wait around all day, but one who can’t be swayed while waiting on what can be up to an eight-hour day and now maybe even longer wait times due to the lack of access. With COVID demanding that drivers begin waiting outside during the appointment time, they spend a good deal of time listening to and in some cases talking to the protestors. I have seen a time or two when drivers have been convinced to leave their friend mid-appointment because protestors have guilted them into not supporting their friend's decision.
You’ll want to have a friend who can’t be easily swayed as a decision like this could stop you from getting an abortion that day. That then requires some people to come out with more money, should they reach a new gestational age the following day, require childcare, or any number of things.
6. Know when to seek legal counsel.
Should you be criminalized at any point for abortion, birth control, miscarriage, or anything pertaining to your reproductive health that feels it may be a violation of your reproductive rights, reach out to If/When/How – an organization that prides itself on “lawyering for reproductive justice.”
7. Know your abortion rights.
Keep in the know with the latest updates so that you know your rights. Whether scheduling an abortion appointment or leaving one, you’ll want to know how to best protect yourself. Organizations like Guttmatcher offer trusted information regarding your abortion rights.
8. Donate to local funds.
Larger funds like Planned Parenthood are offered federal funding and though that money cannot be used for abortion, it does free up so much more of their money. When possible, donate to local abortion funds where you know the money is going directly to abortion services. To learn more about abortion funds you can donate to, Women's Health created a comprehensive list that you can check out here. Black-led abortion funds are even better!
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Now masterdating? Even though it’s not even close to being a “real” word, it’s something that also brought a laugh outta me — although it was then followed by a genuine smile. The laugh because I almost immediately caught the play-on-words. The smile was due to the intention behind it all.
If you’re not familiar with what masterdating is and you’re curious about why you should even care, take a few moments to at least skim through what it’s about and why I think participating, as a single person, is a pretty cool (and effective) concept.
@knotlukas Masturdate: a date w oneself
What’s Masterdating All About?
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Masterdating. Okay, so let the word marinate for just a moment. What does it sound like? Yeah…exactly. And since a huge part of masturbation centers around self-pleasure, it’s cool to explore how “self-dating” could produce similar (as far as pleasure is concerned in a broader sense) results. Because masterdating is all about spending quality time with yourself, pampering yourself, treating yourself— and yes, taking yourself out on dates.
Any of you who may think that masterdating is a consolation prize — and a pitiful one at that — for not being able to go out with another human being or get that dream $200 first date that social media was all in a tizzy about last year (bookmark that) — personally, I think that you’re the demographic who needs to try out masterdating first and the most. Why? Off top, I’ll share my three good reasons.
3 Reasons To Strongly Consider Masterdating
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1. It’s an intimate way to get to know yourself better. I’ve been working with couples for a pretty long time at this point and if there’s a pattern that I see arise, OFTEN, it’s that two people are oftentimes so busy trying to “find their person” that they didn’t even know who they were. As a direct result, they found themselves in a relationship with someone who only complemented the “kiddie pool version” of who they were.
That’s why it can be so beneficial to spend time getting to know yourself on the “deep end” of things: what makes you tick, what your passions are, what you want most out of life, what are your interests beyond obvious things — and masterdating can help you to discover all of this. Whether it’s traveling alone or taking out a weekend to drink some wine and journal, the more you get to know yourself, the clearer you’ll be about who complements you on a romantic and friendship level.
2. It will definitely help to boost your confidence levels. I guess since I’m an ambivert, I don’t really get why people freak out at the mere thought of going to a restaurant or movie alone. Personally, I think it requires a helluva lot more energy and gumption to wait around and plan stuff with other people (#Elmoshrug). However, whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert, there’s no way around the fact that the more comfortable you get with doing things alone, the more your confidence levels will increase — no, soar — because of it.
One article that I read on the topic said that doing things alone can make you more creative, improve your mental health, and help you to be totally okay with being alone (so that you’re not “needy” for other people’s attention). A psychotherapist from a New York Times article on the benefits of spending time alone said, “Getting better at identifying moments when we need solitude to recharge and reflect can help us better handle negative emotions and experiences, like stress and burnout.” And when you’re able to stare negativity in its face without flinching, how could that not make you bolder, more self-secure, and hopeful about your life?
3. It will teach you to value your time more effectively. In every facet of your world, you’re gonna operate from a healthier place if you’re operating from a “full cup” rather than an empty one. When it comes to this topic, think about it — if you’re constantly waiting on someone to call you to go out or wishing for a dream date with some guy, all you’re doing is wasting precious time that you could be spending taking a cooking class or hell, hiring a chef to make you dinner at your own home.
Indeed, waiting has two sides to it: when it’s in the form of patience, it is indeed a virtue, yet when it’s wrapped up in the notion that you’re not really living life unless you have an audience…it is totally working against you. Choose wisely.
10 Solo Date Ideas To Help You To “Master” Masterdating
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So, what if you’re someone who has either never considered actually masterdating before or you don’t really know what to do beyond dinner and the movies? Here are a few ideas to consider:
1. Attend a workshop or masterclass that you’re interested in. If there’s something that you’ve always wanted to learn, sign up for a workshop or masterclass. The cool thing about this option is there are probably some in your city, as well as some that you can find online (like here) that are convenient and affordable.
2. Binge-read at a local coffee shop. Aside from their coziness and oftentimes inviting scents, I once read that a lot of us gravitate to coffee shops because we can be around people without having to actually socialize with them. So, if you want to “hang out” while still being able to enjoy a bit of solitude, take a book that you’ve been trying to finish to a local coffee shop, order your favorite latte, and sit in a big-ass comfy chair. Usually, you can sit there for hours, and the staff will be just fine with it (another bonus).
3. Have a spa day in the next town. You can never go wrong with a spa day. And while going with a friend can be fun, sometimes there’s too much talking transpiring to be able to fully chill out and relax. So, go off of the grid, get a change of scenery, and hit up a spa in the next city (or town). There are lots of studies out here supporting that day trips or “daycations” can actually be really good for your long-term health and well-being.
4. See a community play. Some of the best solo dates that I’ve ever been on consisted of taking in some of the local arts in my city. What’s really cool about this particular option is, oftentimes, they are extremely inexpensive, if not totally free of charge (in exchange for making a donation or putting money into a tip jar).
5. Plan a trip. Whenever people say something along the lines of, “If you don’t expect anything, you won’t be disappointed,” I know that they low-key have some (additional) healing to do from past disappointments. There’s simply too much intel out here to support that anticipation (of good stuff) makes us more motivated and optimistic, keeps our dopamine levels up, and makes life more exciting overall.
Since traveling alone is more cost-effective, gives you the freedom to do whatever you want (when you want), and increases the possibility of meeting new people and having new experiences on your journey — why not devote a day this weekend to planning a solo trip? All the way around, it’s good for you.
6. Try your hand at your own “$200 date.” Uh-huh. Roll your eyes if you want to, but it’s real easy to talk left about how a man should be able to just drop $200 like it’s nothing…until you actually try to do it. So yes, while taking yourself out on this type of date could serve as a bit of a reality check, it can also “scratch the itch” of waiting on some dude to do it for you. It’s also way less emotionally draining because, at least when you’re taking your own self out, it’s guaranteed that you’ll enjoy the company…right?
7. DIY some pampering. When you get a chance, check out “5 Reasons You Should Unapologetically Pamper Yourself,” “Want To Love On Yourself? Try These 10 Things At Home.,” “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul,” and “When's The Last Time You Actually Pampered Your Vagina?” The bottom line here is pampering is all about, not mere self-maintenance; it’s all about treating yourself to levels of EXTREME SELF-INDULGENCE. So, if nothing else tickles your fancy on this list, at least consider doing that, chile.
8. Feed your creativity. Something that I used to be really good at is art. That said, one of my goddaughters is insanely talented, so she has reminded me to tap back into it. Also, a big part of what got me into the writing world is poetry; I actually used to be a house poet at a local spot. Sometimes, my best quality time moments with myself have been revisiting these creative sides of me — and this is definitely easier to do (and enjoy) alone.
9. Try some stargazing. When’s the last time you took a blanket into your backyard, laid down on it, and just stared at the stars for hours on end? While some say that stargazing can teach you to be mindful, others say that being in that form of nature reduces stress, while others believe that looking up at the universe at night can increase your attention span. All solid reasons to give it a shot, if you ask me.
10. DO. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. Let me tell you something that nobody will ever be able to make me feel bad about: doing absolutely nothing. I’ve got data to back me up. Good Housekeeping shares that doing nothing can help you decide how you want to respond or react to certain things. I like howThe Guardian says that taking this approach helps you to regain control of what you give your attention to.
TIME magazine says that it can ultimately make you more productive.BBC offers up that it can help you tap into your ingenuity.Henry Ford Health says that it can make you kinder and a better problem-solver. So, if you want to invest in yourself, do nothing sometimes.
Closing Thoughts from the Lovely Javicia Leslie
While some of y'all may know Javicia Leslie from being the former Batwoman, I discovered her back in the day from the indie series Chef Julian (and yes, "Julian" was right to say that "Mo" looks like Tatyana Ali...the real ones know). Sometimes I'll hop on her IG to see what she's got going on and this story popped up within a few hours of me penning this...so, I took it as hella confirmation.
TREAT YO SELF. WAIT FOR NO ONE.
WAIT FOR NO ONE. TREAT YO SELF.
RINSE AND REPEAT.
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Sooo…what kind of masterdating plans do you have for this coming weekend? While going out with others has its perks, hanging out with yourself has a ton of ‘em too. Enjoy!
No…for real. ENJOY!
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