8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last

Just when you think you've heard it all, chile. I recently read an article with a title that truly needs no further explanation. Ready? "Why I Sometimes Wear My Vaginal Juice As Perfume". It's not that I'm not aware of the fact that all of us have a signature vaginal scent and, so long as we're healthy and it's not pungent, men are naturally attracted to it (which is one of the billions of reasons why douching is totally unnecessary). It's just that, the thought of reaching down in order to put some of my vaginal fluid on my neck? Maybe I'm more prudish than I thought I was (I'm a Gemini, so it couldn't be that), but it's gonna be a hard pass for me.
Still, sometimes you come across things because it ends up "connecting the dots" to other stuff, and that's just what that read did for me. As I did some digging around about the power of scent, as it specifically relates to attraction and sex, here are some of the things that I discovered.
- Scent-wise, did you know that we're attracted to people whose genes do not match our own?
- Did you know that women are naturally attracted to the smell of a man's shaved arm pits?
- Did you know that, as far as pheromones go, we actually are drawn to a little bit of funk?
- Or that there's solid research to support that foods like donuts, cinnamon buns, cheese pizza, chocolate and cola also turn us on? (Think about that the next time you have a craving for one of those things.)
- And yes, if you heard somewhere that the combination of pumpkin essential oil and lavender essential oil can increase the blood flow into a man's penis by 40 percent, that is absolutely true.
This is proof that we've been blessed with five senses—sight, hearing, touch, taste and yes, smell—and they even play a role in appeal, captivation and copulation too. So since our sense of smell matters just as much as the rest of 'em, I thought it would be a good idea to share some all-natural aphrodisiacs that men are all for—along with where to put them and how to make them last long past the first wink…or kiss…or well, you know.
1. Vanilla
I can see why vanilla would be an aphrodisiac. It's got a scent that is soft and sweet; "delicious" is another word that immediately comes to mind. And yes, men adore it. One study revealed that when they are close to a woman who has vanilla on, the smell is able to increase sexual arousal in them by as much as nine percent. Research also reveals that it has a powerful calming effect on anxiety and has an incredible ability to soothe and relax, both men and women, as well.
2. Sandalwood
If you and/or your man would prefer a scent that isn't too feminine, sandalwood has totally got your back. It's got an earthy/woodsy smell that is very sexy and alluring at the same time. It's the kind of oil that's great for your skin (including acne and psoriasis), some people use it as a deodorant alternative and, it stimulates the pheromones in men and women. For women, it increases the libido and in men, it can prevent impotence from transpiring.
3. Cinnamon
Back in the day, cinnamon oil used to be my complete and total jam! It smells good, it tastes great and—how do I PG this?—it makes oral sex that much more pleasurable (how'd I do?). This is one of the oils that will literally warm you and your partner up. It also increase blood circulation, treats erectile dysfunction and, if you add a little honey and sweet almond oil to it, well…kindly refer back to what I said about it and oral sex. Total. Game. Changer.
4. Carpolobia
This might just qualify as your something new for the day.
I find this particular essential oil to be awesome because legend has it that men in certain parts of African used to chew on Carpolobia root an hour or so before sex in order to enhance their sexual performance (so it must be good!).
There are also studies to support that this is an herb that helps to heal male infertility while boosting the libido of men and women in the process.
As far as finding it goes, it's not nearly as easy as the rest of the oils on this list. But I did find a connect on Etsy if you're interested in giving it a shot.
5. Black Licorice
If you're not the biggest fan of black licorice, strictly from a taste standpoint, I'll just say this—it does have some pretty impressive health benefits. It's got the ability to cleanse your respiratory system, reduce stress, treat eczema, soothe the symptoms that are directly related to heartburn, stomach ulcers and food poisoning. So, if you'd prefer not to eat it, consider sipping on some black licorice tea. Or, putting it on your body. When men get a whiff of it, it increases sexual arousal in them by as much as 13 percent; that amount jumps all the way up to 32 percent if they smell licorice in combination with donuts.
6. Rose
An essential oil that has the ability to relieve depression-related symptoms, prevent nightmares (pretty crazy, huh?) and boost your self-confidence is the delicate feminine scent of rose. Rose is also able to help stabilize mood swings and regulate menstrual cycles. Plus, it has an uncanny way of "triggering" our body's natural sex hormones. It's another scent that increases blood circulation too. The more blood that's down below, the longer the erections and the more intense the orgasms are too.
7. Pink Grapefruit
I like to drink pink grapefruit juice. Good thing too because, on the health-tip, it's a fruit that boosts our immune system, helps to control our blood sugar levels, aids in weight loss, improves heart health and can even help to prevent asthma attacks. It makes this list because, along with increasing blood circulation and giving us more energy, interestingly enough, the smell of pink grapefruit makes us appear somewhere around 5-6 years younger. Like it or not, youth is a big turn on to a lot of guys so, there you go.
8. Jasmine
Jasmine is very sweet and romantic. It's one of my favorites, for sure. It's an oil that works as an antidepressant and sedative. It also encourages positive thoughts, and it's very sensual.
In fact, in certain parts of India, jasmine is the signature wedding flower because of its ability to enhance feelings of love and desire.
Use it as an oil to shave your legs (it reduces irritation) or a DIY massage oil ingredient. You won't regret it. He won't either.
Honorable Mention: Popcorn
Yep, you read that right. If you're someone who loves diving into a big bowl of popcorn, the fiber, whole grains, minerals and vitamins make it a healthy snack. Just make sure that you totally avoid the microwavable kind; the lining of the bag can actually decrease your libido (among other things).
And yes, if you're eating someone while sitting on the couch and watching a movie with your boo, there's a good chance that he won't be paying too much attention to what's on the screen. Popcorn is also an aphrodisiac scent. If there's butter on it, it can spike up a man's drive by nine percent (ain't that a trip?).
Where to Place Aphrodisiac Oils on Your Body
What a little trial and error (combined with some additional research) have taught me is knowing where to put an aphrodisiac scent is about as important as the one that you choose.
First, make sure that you pay attention to what is known as your "pulse points"; those are the areas of your body where your blood vessels are the closest to your skin; they produce more heat which can intensify the scent. Where exactly are some of your points? Places like your inner wrists, right where your elbow bends, the base of your neck, behind your earlobes and knees and in between your breasts are some good ones.
As far as your wrists go, just make sure to not do what a lot of us are guilty of doing—applying an oil or perfume and then rubbing our wrists together. What that ends up doing is activating too much of our natural body chemistry which could end up diluting or "crushing" the authenticity or potency of the smell.
Something else to keep in mind is, if you're using one of these oils as a way to heat up a night of passion, not all essential oils are edible (you can read more about that here). Plus, not all of them taste the best. Keep that in mind as you're contemplating where to place your favorite scent (cinnamon and vanilla taste great, by the way). One way to kinda get around the non-edible kind is to put those oils onto your hands and rub them over your lingerie; that way, your body will smell like the oil sans experiencing the bitter or icky taste of it.
How to Make Essential Oils Last for Hours on End
If you want to make an aphrodisiac scent last from the moment you put it on until the time you get it on, one way to do that is to create a mist with the essential oil in it and lightly mist your hair. Between the essential oil and your own hair's natural oils, the scent will remain on your tresses for hours.
Another cool tip is to put 10-15 drops of one of these oils into a fragrance-free moisturizer or carrier oil like grapeseed, almond, jojoba, sweet almond or avocado oil. The scent will be amazing, and your skin will be silky soft.
Something else that can make essential oils more potent is combining them. It may take a couple of tries to get exactly what you're looking for, but I'm a big fan of this too because it can create a signature scent that no one else has (and you don't have to tell anyone about).
Just one more thing. If your plan is to apply a little bit of the oil to your vaginal region, make sure to also dilute it with a carrier oil and to put it on your vulva, not in your vagina. If you want to be taken totally out of the mood, avoid this pearl of wisdom and see what happens (burn baby, burn!).
Well, there you have it. Whether it's for a hot date or a very sexy night, here's a cheat sheet on how to make you even more unforgettable—from the very moment he catches even a little whiff of your totally intoxicating scent.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
How To Eat Your Way To Better Sex
Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm
Want A More Intense Orgasm? These Tips Are Sure To Make You Cream
Married Couples: These 6 DIY Recipes Will Take Your Sex Life To The Next Level
Feature image by Giphy
Your October 2025 Monthly Horoscopes Are All About Magnetic Love & Divine Timing
October is about the power of attraction. This is the month to set your intentions, create space for a new beginning, and find your balance between the past, present, and future. There aren’t many astrological transits this month, signaling more possibilities in the air and an opportunity to create that which you desire.
We begin the month in Libra Season, and Libra Season is always the time of year when love is the highlight. With Juno also entering Sagittarius on October 1, right as we begin the month, it’s about committing yourself to a new adventure, to the gifts of love, and to perspectives that heal and bring you closer to another.
October 2025 Astrology: An Overview
Mercury enters Scorpio on October 6, and Mercury in Scorpio only knows depth. The conversations being had this month are inspiring, transformative, and a little more blunt than usual. This energy is good for the power of persuasion and for asking for what you want, especially within business and financial matters. On the same day, we have a Supermoon in Aries, and this is a powerful Full Moon for reflection, owning your power, and letting go of the insecurities that don’t resonate with what you want for yourself and your future.
Venus, the planet of love, moves into Libra on October 13 after being in Virgo for the past month, and after some time of healing and clarity in love, Libra is here to bring in the romance. Venus loves being in Libra, and this energy creates new beginnings within relationships and provides a little extra magic in this area of life. With Pluto going direct in Aquarius on the same day after being retrograde since May, life and love move forward mid-October, helping provide more stable and nurturing foundations in your personal life and community as well.
The New Moon of the month occurs in Libra on October 21, making it a beautiful time for manifesting romance, balance, and harmony in your world.
This New Moon aligns with the Sun in Libra, and it’s all about letting a new beginning transform your world and the love in your life for the better. Scorpio Season officially begins on October 22, and Neptune retrograde enters Pisces on the same day, bringing in some water sign energy into the mix. As we close out the month, it’s time to renew, honor the transformations occurring, and know that your dreams aren’t as far out of reach as they may seem at times.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what October 2025 has in store for you.
What October 2025 Has In Store For Your Zodiac Sign
ARIES
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is all about perspective, Aries. This is the month to trust the divine timing of your life, and not let the what-ifs overwhelm you. With the Sun in Libra, your sister sign, for most of the month, October is about building connections, finding your balance in love, and knowing that you are worthy of what your heart is seeking right now. We have a Supermoon in your sign on October 6, and emotions are a little heavier this month, but also healing. Give yourself grace, and let go of what isn’t working for you.
Venus is in your house of love from October 13 until November 6, and there is a lot to look forward to when it comes to romance and the relationship dynamics in your life as you move through the month. It’s about being confident in your power of attraction and letting love come to you right now. Before October comes to an end, we have a New Moon in your 7th house of love as well, and with all this energy in your relationship zone, life changes for you in love for the better in October.
TAURUS
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is a spiritual month for you, Taurus. You are thinking a lot about your next steps ahead, and are getting organized, focused, and aligned. The Supermoon on October 6 is a time of reflection for you, and you are entering the month ready to let go of the past, heal, and create space for something new in your life. This month is all about trusting your intuition and letting your wisdom guide you in your personal growth and evolution.
You are more than where you have been, and this month is a reminder of that.
With Mars in Scorpio and in your 7th house of love all month, you are motivated by the partnerships in your life right now. Your love life and relationships are where the action is for you this month, and you are honoring your passion and direction here. Venus, your planetary ruler, moves into your house of health mid-month and into November, and you are leaving October seeking healthier habits, daily routines, and relationships. Overall, this month is helping you align with your vision.
GEMINI
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month is a fresh start for you, Gemini. Your heart is free, love is beaming, and you are feeling larger than life. This month is about taking a leap of faith in yourself, honoring your confidence in life, and being your biggest advocate. With the Sun in your 5th house of self-expression, romance, and happiness, and with Venus entering this same area of your chart mid-October, there is a lot to look forward to right now, and things are looking up for you.
On October 21, we have a New Moon in a fellow air sign, and this is a good time to set your intentions for creative projects, hobbies, romance, and your overall happiness in life. There are a lot of little moments of magic unfolding for you this month, and this New Moon is one of them. Before October comes to an end, Mercury, your ruling planet, enters Sagittarius, and this brings open communication into your relationships, and you are having lively conversations and insights.
CANCER
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is a transformative month for you, Cancer. You are moving through closure, healing, and depth as you navigate the opportunities that are coming into your life, with the stability you are seeking. With the Sun in your 4th house of home and family in October, this is the month to spend more time in your safe spaces, connect with your loved ones, and get grounded. You are also more focused on your financial world right now, and this is a good time for building new foundations for yourself and looking at the bigger picture when it comes to your career and life goals.
Mars is in your house of romance and happiness for the entire month, and this is one of the highlights of your life right now. You are passionate about your joy and all the things that light you up inside, and you are protecting your peace and giving more of your energy to your pleasure. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Libra, highlighting your home life, and some Cancers may be moving at the end of the month or getting the opportunity to turn a page here. Overall, this is your month to reflect, go within, and make sense of what has been restricting you from feeling stable.
LEO
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is about taking things one day at a time and being patient with what is presenting itself to you, Leo. This month, you are getting your ducks in a row and gaining the clarity needed to create a new beginning in your life. The month begins with a Supermoon in a fellow fire sign on October 6, aligning in harmony with you and fueling your need for adventure. You are going over the wisdom you have gained as of late and how it has shifted the way you navigate your life and see the world around you.
On October 13, Pluto goes direct in your 7th house of love, after being retrograde here since May. This is bringing in more balance, empowerment, and passion into your love life, and this is a positive change of energy for you after a time of some power struggles within your relationships. Before the month comes to an end, we have a New Moon in Libra, and this New Moon is the best time to set intentions for clarity, communication, and connection. October is about taking your time with things and knowing that everything is working out in your favor at the end of the day.
VIRGO
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis October is about finding your balance, Virgo. There is a lot of energy when it comes to your finances this month, but you may be overworking or overcommitting yourself in the process. Honor the opportunities and responsibilities in your life, but make sure you are equally taking care of your health and prioritizing your time and energy so that you don’t burn out. Venus, the planet of love, is in your sign until October 13; use this energy to your benefit and let things come to you.
You are a magnet for abundance, romance, and support if you allow yourself to receive it.
On October 13, Venus moves into your 2nd house of income, and your relationships are a supportive place for you to lean on right now. Your love life and partnerships are where your financial world is evolving this month, and this is a good time to ask for what you want; you never know what may happen. At the end of the month, Neptune goes retrograde in your sister sign, Pisces, and you are taking a step back and reassessing what love means for you right now. Overall, October is about remembering that you don’t have to do it all alone, Virgo.
LIBRA
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLibra Season is here, and it’s your time to shine and thrive! This Libra Season changes everything for you, and October is when you really begin to feel this shift in your life. The Sun is in your sign until October 22, and it’s time to put yourself first. With a Supermoon in Aries as we begin the month as well, you are letting go of any unhealthy attachments or relationship dynamics that take you away from yourself, and are moving into deeper clarity.
On October 13, Venus, your planetary ruler, enters your sign, where it loves to be the most. With Venus in your sign for the rest of the month, love takes on a new tone, and you are feeling more love for yourself and where life is taking you right now. To end the month, we have a New Moon in Libra, and it’s time to set your intentions for where you want life to grow for you over the next year. This is a month of embarking on a new journey of self, and allowing what is inspiring you right now to build your confidence in yourself and your relationships.
SCORPIO
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is about honoring your freedom and your power to decide, Scorpio. A lot is going on for you this month, and you have the passion and energy to see things through. Mercury, the planet of communication, moves into your sign at the beginning of the month on October 6, and this is going to help you get your ideas across, making it a good month for business matters, networking, and getting inspired. With Mars also in your sign for the entire month, life moves forward for you in transformative ways in October, and you are a force to be reckoned with.
On October 13, Venus moves into your house of closure, healing, and endings, and you are ready to close one chapter of love and create space for a new one. You are in a contemplative space when it comes to matters of the heart, and you are ready to let go of any heaviness you have been feeling here. Scorpio Season officially begins on October 22, and you are ready to begin again. This Scorpio Season is about owning your confidence in life while letting go of insecurities or self-doubts that have been getting in the way of that.
SAGITTARIUS
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleEverything unfolds for you in a beautiful way this month, Sagittarius. You are flowing well with the energy of October, and life opens up to you. With the Sun in your 11th house of aspirations, dreams, manifestations, and community, you are feeling in balance with your desires and your reality, and are bridging the gap here. This is a month of friendship, believing in your dreams, and creating space for love. With Juno also entering your sign at the beginning of the month until the end of the year, you are attracting soulmates into your life.
On October 6, we have a Supermoon in a fellow fire sign, allowing you some closure in love and a chance at healing. Your heart is feeling renewed, and you are owning your power in creating happiness in your life. Before the month ends, Mercury moves into Sagittarius, where it will be until mid-November, and inspiration is heightened. Pay attention to the guidance you are receiving this month, the conversations you are having, and the light bulb moments that are going off for you right now.
CAPRICORN
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is about going within and connecting with the guidance of your soul, Capricorn. You are taking more time for yourself this month, and rightly so, as you need time to fully process what has happened so far this year. Pluto goes direct in your 2nd house of income, and this moves things forward when it comes to your earning potential, abundance, and values.
The key this month is in valuing yourself, your perspective, and what you are building in your life right now.
On October 21, we have a New Moon happening in your career zone, and this is a good time to manifest your goals within your professional world. Put yourself out there, show up, and know that you are worthy of success and that your dreams aren’t too big for you. As we close out the month, Mercury moves into your house of closure, even further facilitating your desire for contemplation and alone time this month. Overall, October is about taking care of your mental health, owning your successes, and finding your peace.
AQUARIUS
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleOctober is a new beginning for you in love and in life, Aquarius. Your heart is feeling inspired, and there is a lot to look forward to right now. The Supermoon at the beginning of the month will be occurring in your 3rd house of communication, giving you the answers you have been looking for and helping you close the door on a chapter in your life that left you feeling misunderstood or misdirected. You are ready for a change of pace this month, and you are receiving that as we begin October.
Mid-October, Pluto goes direct in your sign after being retrograde since May, and this is a huge breath of fresh air for you and your path ahead. You may have been a little harder on yourself while Pluto was retrograde this year, and now you feel ready to forgive, move on, and own your power. Before the month comes to an end, we have a New Moon in Libra, and you are embarking on a new adventure. The end of the month is a good time for traveling, exploring, and gaining a new perspective.
PISCES
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month is giving you the guidance, perspective, and passion to see yourself with clear, loving eyes, Pisces. There is a sense of feeling more overwhelmed with life lately, and October is allowing you to gain the insight needed to move on from this energy, or at least see more of the gifts of what has occurred. On October 6, we have a Supermoon in an area of your chart having to do with self-worth, values, and income, and it’s time to see the gifts of what you have been investing in and valuing in your life, including yourself.
Let go of the need to play it small or count yourself out of important conversations, and know that you deserve a seat at the table.
With Pluto going direct in your 12th house of healing as we end the month, you are finally getting the answers you have been looking for emotionally, and it’s changing your perspective on your commitments in life and making you feel empowered. Before the month ends, Neptune goes retrograde in Pisces, and you are going to be moving through a personal revolution as we close out the year. You are inspired by change right now, and this month is what kicks starts this metamorphosis within you.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
9 Women Over 40 On Living Childfree & Reimagining Motherhood
I never imagined a life without children, but here I am, a single, 41-year-old childless lesbian, planning my next big adventure, while others post cute, back-to-school photos of their kids on social media. The shift in perspective occurred after years of pressure from myself, as well as from the people in my environment.
"Marsha, you're the last of the cousins without a child. What's up?" my male cousin questioned. Back then, my throat chakra wasn't as strong as it is now. So, instead of explaining how problematic his probing was, I replied, feeling defeated, "It's not that easy."
People rarely ask men why they don't have children. In fact, they're seen as unicorns if they've made it to their 40s without procreating. But women, we're held to a different standard. We were gifted with the superpower of nesting and nurturing a soul within our bodies. For nine months, women sacrifice their anatomy, enduring life-altering changes, to bring a human into the world.
It's an honor to be a mother, and at one point in life, that's all I wanted. So, when my partner of seven years wasn't ready to explore marriage and building a family together, we went our separate ways. I dedicated 2019 to getting pregnant, from medical turkey basters to Intrauterine Insemination, to no avail. It was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting, so at 35, I decided to wait until I was in a loving relationship. I had lots of time—or so I thought.
Five years later, I was no closer to motherhood.
I was in a relationship, but I knew she wasn't my person. I developed fibroids, which hijacked my body with irregular bleeding for a year and a half. The hard truth was, no matter how much I wanted this for myself, I had no control over when it would happen. So, after a couple of therapy sessions, I was encouraged to redefine how motherhood looks for me. Adoption or fostering a child still allowed me to explore my maternal instincts, without the pressure of a timeframe.
It was then that I removed the bricks that were weighing me down.
Redefining Motherhood On My Own Terms
That reframe prompted me to examine my life and identify the root of the pressure I felt. A huge part of me knew that I tied my worth to becoming a mother.
Carrying and birthing a child is a sacred experience gifted to a majority of people with a uterus. I had to realize that I'm worthy, period. Women were created to be more than the canal to life.
I also acknowledged that my desire to become a mother stemmed from wanting to love a child the way I needed to be loved growing up. We spend our adult lives identifying the source of the wounds that were created during our adolescent years so we can heal them.
I had a seemingly normal upbringing with a mother who loved me and tried her best, but there were moments in my adult life when I had to re-parent myself. I knew motherhood would be a healing experience for me, but I also understood that was a selfish reason to have a child.

Writer Marsha Badger, 41
Photo credit: Jonathan PearsonFinding Peace In A Childfree Life
Now, at 41, I've made peace with my decision not to have children, which allows me to finally experience life without the pressures of finding love and having a child before it's "too late." I am whole as I am, so I stopped looking for motherhood to complete me.
Society treats childless women like lepers, insinuating that something must be wrong with them if they haven't had children. And because we're the only vessel to bring life into this world, it became an expectation. But the truth is, motherhood isn't in the cards for everyone, and that decision isn't up for negotiation. When I decentered finding love and becoming a mom, I experienced a sense of peace and freedom.
There's a community of women struggling with the idea of motherhood and whether there's room for it in this chapter of their lives, and you're not alone. I asked 8 women over 40 six questions. The responses were honest, refreshing, and rooted in their truth. Here's what they had to say.
8 Women Over 40 Share Their Truths About Living Childfree
Lisa Smith, 50+

Courtesy
“I realized motherhood wasn’t in the cards for me in my 20s, but I have pursued motherhood in the past. Very briefly and for someone else and not me...a part of the problem was I didn't enjoy trying... ew. I didn’t feel pressured by society, but I did get asked why (I didn’t have children) a lot. That never made me want one though. I find people don’t like that answer. I'm so great with my decision."
“I have never really had a regret. I almost feel guilty saying it because it defines womanhood in some people's eyes. I'm really a woman with no kids and very happy about it."
"I have been around plenty of children all my life. I was a dance teacher, a Sunday school teacher, a girl scout troop assistant, and I've hosted numerous events for the children in my life. With all of that, nothing in me had that desire to be a mother. I don't hate children and I'm not selfish. However, my biological clock never ticked. I never got that instinctual thing that said, 'Have a baby.' I just didn't want one and it's okay, right? Well, at least it is to me, and my life is great!”
Cheresse Rogers, 41

Courtesy
“Honestly, I can't say there was an exact time that I realized motherhood wasn’t in the cards for me. I have sickle cell so I've battled back and forth for many years about it. That was my main reason why. But if I really had to put a time down when I first had a serious thought about it. I would say my early 20s. At one point in my life I did start looking into what it would take to adopt a child."
"But I never tried to get pregnant myself. Being a lesbian plays a part in my decision making. I will say even though personally my stance hasn't changed on carrying my own child, I am open to either adopting or my partner carrying. That is fine by me.”
“I wouldn’t say I felt pressured by society to have children. I will say at times it can be bothersome to have people keep asking. I've learned that my womanhood is not defined by whether I'm a mother or not. I believe I've lived and I'm living a life of meaningful and loving connections."
"That's what life is about. How we show up on this world. When I go to bed at night, do I sleep well knowing I made a positive impact on others, or did I do something that made me happy that day? That’s something to be proud of. That's what I think of when defining fulfillment.”
“I would say, to any other woman living with a chronic health issue or even to women who are not, do what feels right for you. Research your options. Talk to your doctors. I think at times we put our eggs in one basket. There are so many ways these days to become a mother. I know so many people want to experience the joys of carrying a child. But if you can not for whatever reason. Consider adopting or a surrogate if that's in your means. Do what makes you happy.”
Cam, 62 (asked to be anonymous)
"I have never pursued motherhood. I realized motherhood was not in the cards for me the very moment my mother explained that my ovaries produce eggs that might be fertilized by sperm and grow into a baby. I wasn't full of fear, hate or disgust. My thoughts just crystallized, and I asked my mother if I could have my ovaries removed because 'I knew I didn't want to have babies.' She told me no doctor would do that to me."
"I was thinking how silly it would be to spend a lot of time and money on tending to my ‘periods’ when I knew I was not going to make use of this ‘wonderful function.’ For the record, ten-year-old me genuinely knew myself. I am proud I never abandon my truth."
"I can’t have it all, all the time. Maybe that’s why momma wouldn’t let me get my ovaries removed. I had a lifetime of learning about cycles! I lived with them, through them, and accepted them. I guess that’s the secret of life.”
“Fulfillment on my terms is growing and pruning, living an examined life. I like learning and challenging myself. I like deciding how to spend precious time. I love laughter and laughing at myself. I love keeping folks around me who really accept me warts and all. And when I have the recipe just right…I get wonderful batches of fulfillment that balances the unpleasant elements of living.”
Sabrina Servance, 41

Photo credit: Teri Hofford
"I haven't pursued motherhood. If anything, I avoided it like the plague! When I was in my late twenties, I was still single and at that point, had never had a partner. It was always drilled into my head that the older you got, the harder it would be to have a baby. I reflected on the things I went through: I was severely bullied growing up and also suffer from mental illness, I couldn't imagine my own child going through the same things."
"The longer I thought about it, the more I knew motherhood was not for me. I was far too anxious to handle it and frankly, just didn't want to. Looking at how society is, I am glad that I stuck with my decision not to have children. I love being an aunt! But being a mom is not for me. I feel that the decision was the right thing for me."
"When I was single, I definitely felt it as the majority of my friends were getting married and having children. People kept asking me when I was going to have children, 'Why hadn't I tried?' And when I got married, forget it. The societal pressure is even worse. Eventually, I felt comfortable telling people that I had no desire to be a mother, which people HATED hearing."
"I think that so often, as women, we spend too much time doing what we think we're supposed to do rather than what we want to do. Motherhood is a huge step, and it's okay not to be sure if you want children. It's also okay to say you want children and then change your mind."
"All those people questioning your life choices aren't going home with you to raise your baby, so do what's best for you. I define fulfillment by being able to live life the way I have always dreamed of and pursuing things that weren't possible when I was younger."
Chanel Banks, 44

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“I realized motherhood might not be in the cards for me when I started to tap into myself. When I started to become more aware of myself and understand the sacrifice of what motherhood would look like for me. I have pursued motherhood in the past. But as times have changed and I’ve gotten older, I see my life and society through a different lens."
"I didn’t feel pressured by society. Being a mother is a personal choice. If anything, society has allowed me to view motherhood from a bigger point than just myself."
"I feel good about that decision today. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves why we really want something and answer honestly. Do you want it for you? Or for the idea? Do what is best for you and no one else.”
“I define fulfillment on my own terms as living authentically, with freedom and purpose. For me, that means creating a life I love. Nurturing my passions, traveling, and growing as a woman and wife. My joy comes from designing a life that reflects who I truly am.”
Krystle H, 41

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"I realized motherhood was not in the cards for me because I haven't been blessed to have a man who is a loving, humorous, fun, outgoing, generous, king and provider. I never pursued motherhood or felt pressured by society. I am happy I never attempted to pursue motherhood with any of the men I dated on a long-term basis because I have no intentions of being a single parent."
"As I approached my 40s, currently at age 41, I have reflected heavily on my past experiences. In looking at these experiences in retrospect, none of these men were providers."
"Although relationships are not guaranteed to be eternal, it is very important to select your partner wisely and carefully. If we aren't meant to continue our relationship, I need to know that he has the ability and mindset to coparent and/or financially provide for his children."
"To me, fulfillment is great health (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual), financial stability, happiness, good family members and good friends, a stable, solid dwelling, and self-sufficiency. If motherhood is meant for you, it will be for you. Do not allow society to pressure you into motherhood if you are not financially, mentally, and emotionally prepared to be a parent."
Ashia, 40

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"I learned that motherhood might not be in the cards for me at 37, when I had my second miscarriage. For the second time, my body was rejecting what seemed to be 'natural.' I got pregnant a month after getting married (not planned, but loved), and it only lasted 11 weeks. I have an autoimmune disease, and although I stopped taking the medicine to suppress/help a year before getting pregnant, my body rejected the fetus. Three years later, I got pregnant again, this time with twins, and my body rejected it for the second time."
"I don't feel pressured by society at all. For a long time, I was afraid to get pregnant, or rather, because of trauma. I used to always say, 'I never want to be my mom to my children, and why would I choose to bring a child into this world that could be born with the same disease as me, and go through the same health issues I've gone through?'"
"And then, on the other hand, I'm the only child who can have children, and I sometimes wonder--although they never say--if my parents feel any emotion about not having grandchildren. I don't let it affect my decision in any way. Because I'm the one who has to keep choosing this life, for the rest of my life. And I don't know if I've reached that level of adulting yet."
"I'm fulfilled because I am here. I am taking the trips, reading the books, going to the events, and still being present for myself and my friends/family. I can choose to show up when I'm whole and can love you from a good place, or lock myself in the bedroom for days on end and not feel obligated to 'perform' because a little is dependent on me."
"There are days when I want to have a baby, and there are days when I am grateful I don't have a child to depend on me. Because some days I don't have the mental capacity to deal with myself, let alone a child. I really commend women who choose to be parents. For anyone who is on the fence, I say just be. Give yourself grace and patience to do whatever YOU want. Not society, or your family, or even FOMO (this is a terrible reason by the way), decides FOR YOU. You're the only one who has to live this life."
Christina L., 42

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"I am on a journey of self-discovery, and motherhood is my calling, but I remain open to redefining what that means. After 10 years of navigating fertility challenges and undergoing three procedures to enhance my chances of conceiving, I have faced setbacks. However, my spirit remains unyielding. I am wholeheartedly embracing the possibilities of adoption or the use of donated eggs as we forge ahead."
"When I decided I was ready, I was referred to a fertility clinic to address my low egg count and advised to start the IVF journey immediately for a chance at motherhood. While my partner wasn't ready at the time, I believed they were my person, so I chose to wait. A year later, I opted for UFE, the less invasive approach, to preserve my opportunity for a vaginal birth."
"Eight months later, I underwent a procedure to clear the debris left by dead fibroid tissue in hopes of improving my chances, but still, I faced challenges, and my periods began to lessen. The following year, I completed a gastric sleeve surgery, transforming my health and shedding 100 lbs."
"Despite not yet achieving my dream of having children, I began to reimagine motherhood, embracing the resilience and strength that come from my journey, knowing there are still many ways to nurture and love in this world."
"For a long time, I hesitated to pursue motherhood, but I realized waiting held me back from making my dreams a reality. I found the courage to prioritize my own journey over my fears of failure as a mother and worries about a partner's shortcomings. Embracing my path became my true expectation. I feel guilty because I should have addressed this more practically a long time ago, saving my eggs. My procrastination may have robbed me of the chance of having a child biologically."
Featured image courtesy of Christina L.









