Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP
My family has always said that I'm the straight-no-chaser kind of chick. Here's a visual. My mom once told me that when I was about three-years-old, we got on a bus and a woman said, "Oh, you're such a pretty little girl." My response? I didn't bashfully smile or hide behind my mother's dress. My immediate reply was an enthusiastic, "And you look like a clown!" (I mean…)
Adding to this instance, my mother has said she's pretty sure that my unapologetic outspokenness has probably made her look pretty rude throughout the years. If she was on one side of the room and I found my way to another, she would interrupt whatever someone was saying, just so she could hear—and perhaps "fix"—what was coming out of my own mouth.
Since I am pretty direct, that's why I don't fully get the point of faking orgasms. Well, let me clarify that. The very few times when I have actually done it, it was because I really wanted to hurry up and get the experience over with while not wanting to flat-out say that during the act itself. But even that comes with its own level of counterproductiveness and dysfunction (more on that in just a sec). But doing it for any other reason than not wanting to intentionally hurt someone's feelings never made sense.
Still, tons of people do it. Although orgasms should not be the goal of sexual activity (we all should embrace the journey just as much as the destination), it definitely should be a part of the experience as much as possible. But according to my findings, a lot of us—men and women alike—come up short in this department. Reportedly, 75-80 percent of women have never had a vaginal orgasm (that's an orgasm from intercourse alone) and 1 in 4 guys (25 percent) claim that they fake orgasms (will act like they came when they didn't) too.
A part of me can't help but wonder if a big part of the reason why the stats are what they are is because more of us are faking it rather than tackling the issue of not climaxing, for whatever the reason might be, head on.
Keeping all of this in mind, if you know that you fake it more often than not (or you highly suspect that your partner does), here are seven solid reasons why you should stop ASAP:
Faking It Isn't Good for Your Physical Health
There are certain proven things that an orgasm is able to do for a woman's health. It reduces stress; increases blood circulation; raises DHEA levels; soothes migraines; improves flexibility; strengthens immunity; boosts oxytocin levels (which bonds you to your partner, lowers levels of pain and also helps you to sleep better); gives your skin a healthy glow—the list is kinda endless.
And here's the thing—while some of these benefits will happen whether you have an orgasm or not, others will only come your way if the muscles that are in your vagina, uterus and anus contract and then relax. This means that you can't "fake your way" into all of these things. Some of them have to happen via a genuine orgasmic release.
So, really—why fake it when you could strive for a real orgasm and take your health to new heights?
Faking It Gives Your Partner the Wrong Impression
One time, while sitting in a counseling session with a married couple who were sharing with me the pros and cons of their sex life, the husband had a rather embarrassing a-ha moment. While he was bragging about how well he puts it down, his wife said that one of the things that irritates her is having to use her own spit to make herself wet. W-O-W. As I dug deeper, according to her, her husband rushes foreplay, doesn't like to give oral sex and is one of those bang-bang-bang dudes (they're the worst). To add insult to injury (so to speak), she'd only had an orgasm with one person and it wasn't her husband; it was an ex—an ex that she ended up cheating on her husband with, by the way.
There are sooooo many morals to this particular story, but the one that pertains most to this topic is when you fake an orgasm, you give your partner the impression that they are fully satisfying you sexually when they (probably) aren't. And how can they change or fix anything that they don't know is wrong in the first place?
Faking It Is a Form of Manipulation
Manipulation is evil. Anyone who wants to give pushback on that is probably a manipulative individual. I am firm on what I think about it because it's a cryptic form of trying to control someone. That said, I can't tell you how many wives have bragged to me about how faking orgasms has gotten them a new pair of shoes or convinced their husband to go against his better judgment on a decision.
Mind you, it's not just having sex that accomplished this (which can also a form of manipulation); it's him believing that his spouse is as into him as he is into her, her waiting until his mind is mud and then asking him to do something he probably wouldn't agree to if he wasn't coming down from his own orgasmic high.
I've read all kinds of reasons why women fake it. One of the top is using it as some form of mind control. Intimacy and manipulation should never be used in the same sentence. It taints the beauty of sex on so many levels. Ugh. Just ugh.
Faking It Oftentimes Reveals Deeper Relationship Issues
If you'll pretend that things are great in the bedroom, what keeps you from pretending in other ways when it comes to you and your man? Although sex really should be treated like the "icing" rather than the "cake" of any relationship, when two people are not sexually fulfilled with one another, it can oftentimes reveal that something else is…not going so well in other areas. Maybe it's a lack of communication, a lack of trust, an innate fear to be totally open and honest—it could be all sorts of things.
Bottom line, pretending to be happy or content in your relationship when you really aren't is doing more harm than good to it. Whether you're pretending inside of the bedroom or outside of it.
Faking It Can Set You Up to Cheat
Some of you might remember a few years back when the whole Ashley Madison drama broke out. You know, when the dating service that specifically catered to married folks or people in exclusive relationships got hacked. Well, one thing that some scientific research discovered was that most of the cheaters fell into two categories—people who were bored or sexually dissatisfied or people who were unhappy in their relationship overall.
I'm not stupid. I know that there are some folks who are totally content with their sex lives with their partner and still they cheat. That's another article for another time. But remember that wife I mentioned earlier who committed infidelity in her marriage with a previous partner who sexually pleased her more than her husband did?
Another downside to faking it is it can have you fantasizing or reminiscing about someone who makes you happier—sexually or otherwise—than your partner does. And, if you feed into that too much, it can set you up to try and turn that fantasy into a reality.
Faking It Might Taint Your Views of Sex Overall
Someone once told me that she's been faking it ever since high school. She is headed towards 50 at this point. You know what else she's told me? She can't understand for the life of her how I enjoy sex, let alone how I've been able to climax. To her, sex is a means to an end and/or something that she gives up because her partner expects it. When I asked her how she learned to fake it (which can also reveal a lot), she first learned by watching porn (I used to work with a porn ministry…lots of porn actors fake it!). She tried it out and it seemed to work with her first partner, so she thought to herself, why fix what isn't broken?
The problem with her philosophy is 1) it's pretty unhealthy to let porn "teach" you anything about sex (kinda like you shouldn't let rom-coms or Disney movies teach you about love) and 2) faking all of your life can profoundly damage your view and experience with intimacy.
Can you imagine going your entire life without having a real bonafide earth-shattering orgasm? Yeah, me neither. But when you fake it all of the time, you put yourself at risk of never knowing what you and your partner are truly capable of. Of what the hype about sex is really all about (and it's totally worth the hype!).
Faking It Is Living a Lie
An ex of mine used to say the funniest thing about faking orgasms—"Faking it is a form of witchcraft." Witchcraft is magic, sorcery and bewitching influence and charm. If you add these definitions to faking it, I guess it all depends on who you're having sex with. Yet, even if witchcraft is up for debate, I will tell you one thing that it is for sure—it's a lie. At the very least, a lie is told in order to give someone the wrong impression; at worst, it's designed to deceive.
Here's something that I find to be interesting about the motive for lying, in general. Some people do it because they don't want to disappoint the person they are lying to. Others do it because they lie so much that falsehoods become their own reality. Others lie because one lie has now snowballed into other lies and they need to save face. Then there are those who lie because the truth makes them feel uncomfortably vulnerable.
I don't know about you, but I can see how all of these could apply to faking orgasms. The irony is that any sex therapist or expert will tell you that unless people (especially women) are willing to be open with their partner and let their walls down, an orgasm will probably never happen for them.
Bottom line—all the lying does is keep things fake and frustrating. In the bedroom and out. My advice to people who fall into this particular category—try telling the truth, to yourself and to your partner. See where that gets you.
It just might set you free in some pretty mind-blowing ways (wink, wink) and make your relationship so much healthier in the process too!
Featured Image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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6 Things To Discuss On The Second Date. If Either Of You Is A Single Parent.
So, if you didn’t know, March 21, 2024, is National Single Parents Day. And since, reportedly, around 25 percent of children who are under the age of 18 live with only one of their parents, I thought that it was beyond necessary and relevant to tackle the topic of what it’s like to date as a single parent; especially since, contrary to the popular belief of some, they are absolutely not a monolith.
What I mean by that is, that a teen parent is not the same thing as a divorced parent who is not the same thing as a widowed parent who is not the same thing as someone who intentionally became a single parent. And because all of those backstories are different, to a certain extent, so are the needs that they have when it comes to whom they choose to spend intimate/romantic time with. Honestly, that kind of means that they each could have their own article when it comes to this type of topic.
What To Discuss When Dating As A Single Parent
Today, though, after someone asked me to broach this particular dating lane, I thought about the single parents in my own space and came up with six things that I think should be discussed very early in the initial dating process, no matter how you became a single parent personally.
Because if you’re a single parent reading this, if there’s one thing that you know is a precious commodity, it’s your time. Right?
1. The Kind of Relationship You’re Looking For
GiphySocial media is an interesting place — and that’s putting it mildly. And while I’ve gotta be real and say that I do see my fair share of women who try and find a stepfather for their kids damn near after date one, it’s a grossly inaccurate assumption to say that is a representation of all single mothers. Besides, let’s not act like being a single parent automatically means that kids don’t have their other parent in their lives (goodness). And that’s why I think that one of the first things that should come up on the second date (because if you already made it past the first one, some level of chemistry has already been established) is the kind of relationship that you’re looking for.
Do you want something serious and long-term? Are you simply interested in spending some adult time with an individual who shares some of your interests? Let’s not act like “exclusive sex partners” (folks who are exclusive with someone sexually yet may see other people recreationally) aren’t on the rise as well.
Listen, the divorced people with kids I know? For many of them, the last thing that’s on their mind is jumping another broom. On the other hand, some single parents I know who’ve never been married are dating solely for that purpose. The moral of the story? Single parents may not be on the same page about what their ultimate relational goals are. The only way the person who is dating them is gonna know is if the question is asked.
2. What Your Schedule Is Like
GiphyChile…LISTEN. I’m single with no kids and I don’t know where the day goes. The single parents in my world? It’s like they are working with a third of the time that I seem to have. And here’s the thing: because of my relational (and parental) status, I can pretty much up and go on a dime. Single parents? Eh. Not so much. They have to factor in things like their kids’ schedules and needs, if they are co-parenting, when their children are with the other parent, what they need to get done outside of their kids’ stuff, etc. And if you’re dating a single parent who is also an entrepreneur? Whew, chile.
I can’t tell you how many single parents have told me that they don’t date — or make it past the first or second date — and it’s simply because they can’t seem to find the time when it’s convenient for them and other people. So, definitely, something else that needs to be discussed, off the rip, is what both of your schedules are like and if it’s feasible to get on some common ground. Otherwise, your relationship can end up feeling like a long-distance relationship, even if you’re both in the same city — and that can bring about its own complications and issues. And when you’re a single parent, who wants to volunteer for more stress? Yeah…exactly.
3. What Your Needs Are
GiphyOne definition of need is “essential.” One definition of essential is “absolutely necessary.” As a single parent who is dating someone new, what do you need? Do you need space? Do you need flexibility? Do you need patience? Do you need someone who is proactive in communication? Do you need someone who is willing to take things slow? Do you need someone who gets that sometimes plans might change at the last minute? Do you need someone who is willing to understand that you are still healing when it comes to your ex? Do you need someone who isn’t threatened by or jealous of your dynamic with your child’s father? I could go on and on with this; however, the main takeaway is, before the second date, it’s a good idea to jot down 5-7 concrete needs that are pretty much non-negotiable for you — and then be open to expressing them.
Now, before some of you say, “Isn’t the second date too soon?” ABSOLUTELY NOT. Listen, single parent or not, there is nothing worse than finding yourself emotionally attached to and invested in someone, only to discover that while they like you, they either aren’t in the position to or aren’t willing to give you what you need — and when you’re not getting what you need in a relationship, it’s gonna have an expiration date on it, one way or another.
Someone who thinks that stating your needs is “doing the most” is someone who has the potential to gaslight you throughout the entire relationship. Best to share your needs now and hear their thoughts (as you do the same for them). If you can meet each other’s needs, cool. If you can meet some and, so you’re meant to be friends, awesome. If it’s just a nice second date, and you two should leave it at that — ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. It’s really not.
4. What Your Triggers Are
GiphyAs someone who works in mental health to some degree, I really wish that all single parents were offered a couple of months of free therapy when they first find themselves in that position. Why? Because although some people are single parents by choice, many aren’t (meaning, they didn’t plan to not raise their kids in a two-parent dynamic), and some time to process, grieve, and heal in a professionally trained setting is wise. Otherwise, you could find yourself reacting to triggers that really aren’t so much “dating standards;” they’re more like areas of your life that you haven’t fully addressed.
Example. Say that you found yourself doing most of the work when it came to dating your child’s father. Now that you’re not together, while he’s a pretty decent parent (at least a B- on the old-school report card), you still have to initiate the conversation about him doing certain things that come very naturally to you. If that bothers you, it’s residual from dating him, and you haven’t really dealt with all of this from both a mental and emotional standpoint, you could “come in hot” when it comes to guys who you date, moving forward. Meaning, what you deem as standards are more like demands — and it’s all because you are projecting the stuff from your ex onto someone new.
Another example. Say that it is hell to get your child’s father to financially contribute on a regular basis, and you don’t want to put him on child support (y’all should research the racist history and current-day agenda of child support to this day because y’all know that you don’t get all of the money…right?) yet you’re sick of him mistaking your kindness for weakness. As a result, you are sensitive to men who are careful with their coins, and so a part of you is quick to classify them as being stingy or broke. See how that could be more about an unhealed trigger and less about them?
No one is perfect, and honestly, all of us have some sort of trigger somewhere (check out “How To Handle Folks Who ‘Trigger’ You”). To that, I will say this: with the help of a therapist and/or life coach, certain triggers can actually get deactivated. That’s why it’s not good enough to simply be on some “these are my triggers, deal with it.” On the flip, though, because being a single parent automatically means that you’ve been through some things, it’s wise to share what a few of your triggers are early on — even if you want to pose them as deal-breakers with a bit of a backstory as to why.
Why? Because experiences are typically what create triggers and it’s not fair to assume that your experiences are someone else’s or that folks should automatically think that your triggers should make sense just because they do in your eyes. As I tell people often, boundaries are disrespected once boundaries are articulated. Please don’t expect someone to read your mind. Share where you’re at as soon as possible.
5. An “Intro” to the Dynamic You Have with Your Child’s Parent
GiphyInformation is privileged and no one is saying that you have to share your entire life story in under three dates. However, giving a little deeper than a “kiddie pool” perspective on how things are with your child’s other parent can reveal more than you might realize. For instance, someone in my world? Her ex likes to gaslight her and definitely is manipulative. Something that we joke around about (although it’s not exactly funny) is it’s going to take a really special man to deal with all of the mind games that her ex likes to play. I know both of them pretty well, so from where I’m sitting, the next man is going to need to be very firm with his boundaries and not engage in “last word syndrome” whenever her ex tries to “bait him in” because something else that her ex is? He’s a know-it-all.
Okay, so what if the first thing that comes to your mind is, “Chile, I don’t plan on anyone meeting my child’s father or my children any time soon?” I hear you. That really isn’t the point here, though. When you learn about someone’s dynamic with their child’s other parent, it can give insight into how they communicate, negotiate, and compromise. It can also let you know if there are some things going on that you’d prefer to not engage in — because, again, it would suck to really dig someone and then have them tap out because they felt caught off guard by some intel that probably should’ve been shared with them sooner than later. If you don’t agree with me, simply put their shoe onto your foot.
6. What You’ve Learned About Yourself As a Single Parent (Thus Far)
GiphyIt’s almost like people have forgotten that dating needs to be about learning about someone to see if the two of you truly complement each other — and when it comes to life lessons, I don’t know if anyone is a better teacher than children and very few things are more impacting than parenting. So, be open to sharing on the second date the things that you have learned about yourself, how single parenting has changed you, what you require in a relationship now that you didn’t necessarily before becoming a single parent, and where you’d like to see yourself, as far as dating goes, in six-month increments.
Why increments? Because saying, “I want to be married in 16 months” is actually kind of overwhelming in a new dating dynamic. What isn’t is saying, “What my past relationships have taught me is that I don’t like to be unclear. The first six months, I’d like to see if there’s real potential with someone. The next six, I’d like to talk about if there’s a future and if they are ready for our families to meet.”
Something else that’s dope about this particular talking point is the fact that sharing what you’ve learned shows a side of graciousness and humility. After all, folks are good for talking about all of the things that they expect from someone else or all of what their ex did wrong on dates; however, sharing what you see about yourself shows that you’ve done some self-reflecting and have real self-awareness — and trust me, that is hella attractive because it’s becoming something that is rarer and rarer to see.
____
Single parents who date? In many ways, they are no different than anyone else. At the same time, though, it’s okay to admit that you’ve got some specialized needs, concerns, and expectations that anyone who chooses to date you should certainly be aware of.
By discussing these six talking points, hopefully, it’ll be easier to see who can be truly realistic, supportive, and understanding…because, if anyone especially needs it and is deserving of it, as a single parent…it’s you.
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Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images