6 Tips For Dealing With A Sexually Incompatible Spouse
I grew up in the Church. I went to Christian schools too (well, my elementary education was Christ-like; looking back, the EEOC should've come in and shut my high school all the way down). Looking back, if there's one topic that never really got discussed in either setting, it's sex. It really is sad that although the Bible has PLENTY to say about it (Song of Solomon is an entire book about it!), in my humble opinion, far too many folks do the very opposite of what Genesis 2:24-25 instructs us not to do—they attach shame to nakedness. Sad. Very sad.
That's why, whenever I do premarital counseling couples, I tend to spend at least 3-4 weeks on sexual intimacy—what you were taught about sex, your views on sex, your expectations of sex, etc. Because if you're gonna actually do what you vowed and remain with someone until death parts you, that's a REALLY LONG TIME to be sittin' somewhere sexually pissed off at least half of the time.
And yet. It happens. A LOT. Not just to couples who waited until marriage to partake, but people who felt they should "test the car before driving it too" (I'm with Meagan Good on this one—we need to drop that comparison; people are not cars). And since the importance of sex isn't explored as in-depth as it needs to be, lots of people find themselves faking it, making excuses not to do it or…yes, cheating. And you know what? All three of those approaches to sexual incompatibility are unhealthy and super counterproductive. They really are.
So, what do I recommend you should do if you and your spouse aren't as sexually harmonious as you'd like to be? For starters, consider that what's really going on may not be as much about sex as you might think. It could be a myriad of things that have created your not-so-perfect storm.
How To Deal With A Sexually Incompatible Partner
1.Ponder If It's Sexual or Emotional
There's a couple I worked with where the husband hated to give oral sex but was all about receiving it. On the surface, this is childish and selfish, I'll give you that. But counseling is about digging beneath the surface. That said, his wife misspends money, makes major decisions without his input, plays the victim when she's called out on her reckless behavior and rarely apologizes for any of this. As a result, he feels like she also is a very selfish individual (he's right), so he doesn't want to give her his all. Naturally, he's not big on cunnilingus; however, he doesn't even feel the desire to "make the sacrifice" because of how put off he is emotionally.
Do you see how, on the surface, it looks like they aren't on the same page when it comes to a particular sex act when the reality is there is a profound emotional disconnection? Whatever it is that you and your spouse are struggling with in the bedroom, don't just assume that it's sexual or physical. Sometimes, there's a deep emotional issue going on too.
2.Next, Figure Out If It's Actually About Sex or Selfishness
A lot of people frown on couples who wait until marriage to get it on, but here's something to keep in mind. When you're single and sexually active, whether you realize it or not, you tend to be pretty selfish. I'm not saying when it comes to your stamina, technique or tricks. I'm talking about your overall mentality. Single sex is about having sex solely on your terms. Married sex requires considering someone else and making compromises along the way.
Here's an example. Say that you love morning sex while your spouse prefers to have sex at night. Did you know that science is discovering that a part of what makes us morning people or night owls has to do with our genetic make-up? When you were single, you had sex when you felt like it; your partner(s) had to get in where they fit in.
Now that you're married, it's important to take your partner's needs into account.
If you like it in the morning, sometimes you might have to stay up late because they don't. If you're a night owl, sometimes you might need to sleep a couple of extra hours in order to get the job done before work. My point is this—whatever isn't happening the way that you would like, how much of it is about you wanting sex just the way you want it without figuring out if it pleases your partner or not? What some think is sexual incompatibility is really nothing short of 100 percent Grade-A selfishness. Real talk.
3.Openly Discuss How You Feel with Your Spouse
There are a lot of couples who end up throwing in the towel because they are sexually dissatisfied. That might sound shallow to some, but if there is only one person that you're supposed to have sex with for the rest of your life, GOOD SEX is important. Here's the thing, though. Something that tops the list of why spouses divorce isn't sexual incompatibility or frustration; no, it's poor communication.
I can't tell you how many couples I've worked with who are M-A-D at their spouse for not being able to read their mind as far as what their needs are in the bedroom. Their spouse should know they're bored. Their spouse should know that they are not satisfied. Their spouse should know they are faking orgasms (actually, if someone is really paying attention to their partner, they should know this one).
We all know what they say that assuming does to a person. Well, "should" is assumption's favorite girlfriend. It's not fair to be upset about something you're not talking about. Oh, and by the way, discussing it doesn't mean blaming, humiliating or berating your partner. The brain is the biggest sex organ we have. You're going to do NOTHING for your sex life by belittling your partner in the effort to get more of what you want and need from them. (This applies to what's happening in the bedroom and out of it.)
4.Also, Be VERY CAREFUL Who You Share Your Issues With
I can't remember who originated the quote, but one of my favorites is, "Complain to someone who can actually help you." To be at work or on the phone with someone who also has a less-than-stellar sex life isn't going to help you to take a more positive and proactive approach to what's happening in your own bedroom. All it's going to do is encourage you to be even more negative about your situation. Also, based on who you're talking to (and how often), it might set you up to be caught up in an emotional affair as well.
There's something else to consider when you're discussing your bedroom issues—just because you're dissatisfied doesn't mean the next gal would be. Make sure you're talking to someone who is genuinely being helpful…not just nosey. And ultimately, messy.
5.Make Sex a Higher Priority in Your Relationship
Another couple that I've worked with? They've been married for over a decade, the husband is headed towards his late 40s, and he still prefers to have sex 3-4 times a day (quickies included). His wife? She's good with having it a couple of times a month. Yep, sexually incompatible.
Some might wonder how they even jumped the broom with an issue like this not being addressed. Oh, but this is another example of how having sex before marriage can creep up on you. When they were dating, it was a long-distance relationship. So, of course, they could have sex for hours on end whenever they saw one another. But once they got married and saw each other every day, things changed. It reminds me of a hilarious comedy clip that I recently watched entitled, "Real Couples Don't Hold Each Other All Night".
Sometimes sex before marriage falsely advertises in ways we wouldn't predict.
What did I recommend that they do? Make sex a priority in their marriage; not just the physical aspect but the emotional and spiritual too. While she needed to be open to having sex more often, her husband needed to think about what he could do to make his wife desire him more from an emotional and spiritual standpoint.
Sometimes spouses aren't sexually compatible because they don't feel close enough to their partner to want to do certain things or have sex more often. Sometimes, when the other rooms of the house are handled (metaphorically speaking), the bedroom takes care of itself.
6.Put a "Sexual Needs Box" on Each Nightstand
A lot of us make relationships a lot more complicated than they have to be because we act like a want is an actual need.
Wants are what we desire; needs are what is required.
Am I saying that sex is not a need? I am saying the total opposite of that! Even the Bible says that if you withhold from your partner, you can open the doors to all sorts of mayhem and foolishness (I Corinthians 7:1-5). From a legal standpoint, some states will let you have what is called a "fault divorce". Things that fall under this category are constructive desertion, cruelty or abandonment based on a lack of marital relations (sex).
However, sex is a pretty general word. In order to have great sex with your partner, it's important to also discuss what both of your wants and needs are. What are y'all's desires vs. what is required for you to feel fully satisfied (essential)? Talk those things out, jot them down on sheets of paper, pick up a couple of boxes from Target or Pottery Barn and put those answers inside. Your answer box should go on your husband's nightstand; his should go on yours. Then make it a point to revisit what is on those sheets of paper and mutually commit to meeting one another's needs (more often).
Even if your spouse isn't the perfect sex partner, a part of what your love commitment is all about is meeting each other's needs—in the bedroom or out. If you're both determined to do that, you have a lifetime to learn how to make each other climb the walls; to make sexual incompatibility a temporary issue, not a lifelong sentence.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
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Issa Rae Drops Life Gems While Giving Us A Look Into Her Skincare Routine
Actress Issa Rae has recently captured fans' attention with her radiant skin and captivating looks while promoting her new live-action movie Barbie.
Barbie, which debuted in theaters last week, follows the famous figurine (Margot Robbie) as she and Ken (Ryan Gosling) uncover the true meaning of life and happiness after Barbie gets axed from Barbieland for having imperfect features. In the film, Rae portrays the role of President Barbie.
In celebration of Barbie's release, Rae graciously shared her beauty tips on Vogue's YouTube series Beauty Secrets, revealing her daily moisturizing routine, the products she swears by to achieve that stunning glow, and the lessons she learned in the entertainment industry.
Serum
Issa Rae
Vogue/ YouTube
At the top of the video, the 38-year-old revealed that she hasn't had any breakouts in over a year thanks to the Olehenriksen Dewtopia 20% Acid Night Treatment. Rae shares that she usually applies the serum at night before bed and rinses it off the following morning.
But due to the tutorial, the Insecure star decided to do it before applying other products to her face.
"There's no morning routine without my Dewtopia. I have not had a pimple in a year and a half since using this," she said. "Not even period pimples... I love this product."
Cleanser and Lip Balm
In the next step, Rae applied the Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser throughout her skin to remove any excess dirt and help retain moisture. The actress also added Vaseline Pure Petroleum Jelly on her lips.
Scalp Oil
Issa Rae
Vogue/ YouTube
Further into the video, Rae stressed the importance of scalp care being considered a part of a skincare routine, especially within the Black community, as she applied Sienna Naturals Daily Elixir Hair & Scalp Oil throughout her scalp.
"Scalp oil from Sienna Naturals... I'm dry all the time everywhere, and scalp care is skincare," she explained while mentioning the other ways she has protected her various hairstyles. "I will rock braids. I'm good at wrapping my hair at night and preserving hairstyles. Barbie was a wiggy a-- set. I'll say that."
Vitamin C & E Serum
After applying the scalp oil throughout her hair, Rae continued her routine by rubbing in Eminence Skin Care Citrus & Kale Potent C+E Serum on her face.
There are benefits to using a serum containing vitamins C and E. Healthline reports that the sole reason that vitamin C and E serums could be helpful to one's skin is because it "combats different types of UV damage."Eye Cream
Issa Rae
Vogue/ YouTube
As for her eyes and how she reduces the appearance of dark circles, Rae revealed that she uses Lancer Legacy Eye Treatment Duo regularly while gently applying the cream to her eyes.
Also, in the interview, Rae disclosed details about her morning self-care regimen: waking up early, working out, and caring for her skin.
"I used to have super dark circles under my eyes. This is a Lancer Legacy Eye Treatment. Mornings are my favorite time of day. They are my time. I get up super early. I'm a 4 a.m. girl," she stated.
"I get my workout in, and after my workouts, then I feel like I've already tackled the day in the best way. And then this is where you find me, my skincare routine. That's also a way to unwind and get ready for the day. I do bask in it when I have time."
Rae continued the discussion by saying that she prioritizes her skincare routine so much that she doesn't leave home without any of her products.
"When I'm traveling, this entire routine goes in a small pouch, like a kit. It goes with me everywhere, every bathroom. I unpack it first. Where I'm at, I know that I'm home and my skin will be taken care of," she said.
Sunscreen
To help prevent any sun damage to her skin, Rae applied Supergoop! Unseen Sunscreen on her face.
The Photograph star shared that before adding sunscreen to her skincare routine, she was one of the individuals that felt she didn't need it because she was Black.
But after Rae learned that skin cancer could happen to anybody regardless of race and location, she made a "concerted effort to put on sunscreen."
"I use sunscreen a lot, and I have gotten better about it because I was one of those ones. I was one of those Blacks that was like, 'Do I need it?'" she stated. "I've learned that cancer doesn't care where you're at. So I make a concerted effort to put on sunscreen."
Face Oil
In the last step of her skincare tutorial, Rae disclosed that when she occasionally goes to work without makeup, the product that helps her maintain her "glowy look" is Tata Harper Beautifying Face Oil.
"I will go to work without makeup if I'm in a rush, and when I still want to have that glowy, dewy look, I use this Tata Harper Beautifying Oil. I love it," she said.
Makeup
Issa Rae
Vogue/ YouTube
In regards to makeup, Rae kept it fairly subtle by applying neutral colors and a gloss. She shared how she loves bronzer, and her go-to is Tower Cream Bronzer. She also likes Dime Beauty Eyebrow Gel, and MAC Cosmetics lip pencil, and Sigma lip gloss.
While applying those products, The Lovebirds actress shared the one career advice that has kept her encouraged in times of despair over the years.
"I would say the best advice I have gotten has been like what's meant for you will be yours. That has got me through so many setbacks," she said. "That really gets me through times when I'm down on myself. When something is mine, and I'm ready for it, then I'm out here, baby."
Rae completed the look by applying her favorite scent Chanel N°5 to her skin.
The live-action Barbie is now playing in theaters, and for more of Rae's skincare and makeup routine, check out the video below.
Barbie's Issa Rae Shares Her Dry Skin Routine | Beauty Secrets | Vogue
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Featured image via Vogue/Beauty Secrets