What To Do When You Don't Know How To Chill Out
When you're a child, so much of what you do depends on what your parents tell you (which is always a cautionary tale for people who want to have kids). And what they tell you, it becomes a part of your foundation, your core. Spiritual beliefs included.
As far as my own spirituality goes, I grew up in a religion that honored the Seventh-Day Sabbath (DeVon Franklin is someone who spends a fair amount of time speaking on this very topic; he usually tweets about it on the actual day). And while I am no longer an Adventist ("disciple" is more my lane), I'm still someone who totally goes off of the grid from Friday sunset thru Saturday sunset. When I tell you that it is nothing short of a pure blessing? To have a full 24-hour period to just CHILL OUT is something that no job or anything else really has convinced me to compromise…ever.
One of the things I dig so much about having an entire day, each and every week, to relax is that it's taught me 1) how to better prioritize the rest of the week and 2) how to REST. A lack of rest is why a lot of us age sooner than we should. A lack of rest is why many of us are moody and irritable so much of the time. A lack of rest is why some of us stay anxious, worried, and totally stressed out far more than we should. (Everything from the common cold and headaches to obesity, asthma, diabetes, depression, and even Alzheimer's are directly related to stress, by the way.)
Mind you, I didn't say a lack of sleep. Sleep is just one component of rest. No, what I'm referring to is being intentional about seeking the kind of refreshment and refueling that directly comes from taking work breaks, disconnecting from the internet, and giving your mind, body, and spirit time to calm down…take it easy…let go.
I know that sounds super appealing. I also know its an epidemic how many of us don't have a clue how to really do this. If you think you might be the very person I'm referring to, here are some telltale signs that you and rest are not on the same page. Yet.
Silence and Stillness Make You Uncomfortable
I can't tell you how many men have told me that a sign of being in a healthy relationship with a woman is being able to just sit in silence without being pressured to say anything to her. While on the surface this might not seem like that big of a deal, the next time you're alone with your bae or even with a close friend, try sitting for 15 minutes (without any electronic device on) without saying a word. Once you do it, think about how it made you feel. If words like self-conscious, awkward, or uncomfortable come to mind, ask yourself why.
There are people I personally know who say they constantly have to stay busy because being alone with their thoughts unsettles them. To me, that sounds like they might need to see a therapist (all of us should at one point or another) because if you need to be distracted away from your own mind…something is definitely up.
My overall point is this—just like there is a time to talk and be busy, there is also a time for silence and stillness. How can I be so confident about this? Because one definition of silence is "to put (doubts, fears, etc.) to rest" (can you just imagine how draining it is to worry ALL of the time?!) and stillness itself is a spiritual principle: "Be still and know I am God." (Psalm 46:10) It's in the moments of quiet that we're able to meditate, re-center ourselves, and be OK with not having to have all of the answers or solutions. Silence and stillness are what help to bring us into this mind of mental, emotional, and spiritual peace.
Personal Days and Holidays Are Busier Than Work Days
Maybe if we lived in China (where lunch breaks are two hours long) or the Netherlands (where the work week averages out to be 29 hours a week), there would be no need to make this point. But in America, most of us work at least 40 hours a week. Even if we take a 30-minute lunch, we rarely leave our desk.
I recently read an article that said a 40-hour work week is not only not bad for our health, it's counterproductive when it comes to our overall job performance too. Their recommendation was companies should consider either going to 35-hour work weeks or cutting back to four-day work schedules. But until that glorious day comes, you should at least make a point to use your personal days to do more than go to the dentist and the holiday season to do more than clean your house and attend every party on the planet.
Aside from the weekend, if any days should be set aside for hanging out on the couch for hours on end, personal days and holidays should be. You've literally earned the right to.
Your Smartphone Is Your Bed Buddy
If anything brings forth the truth meaning of something being a blessing and a curse, it's our smartphones. I'll be honest and say that, at least when it comes to mind, I don't really use it to make phone calls (I have a landline for that); I use it because it's basically a handheld computer. That's both a good and bad thing.
A while back, I wrote an article on here about all of the disadvantages that come with treating your phone like it's a vital organ. It's not good for your health, eyesight, libido, productivity, level of empathy—and that's just for starters!
You know what else? When you're constantly on your cell phone, it's also a clear sign that you don't know how to rest. If even when you're in bed, you're constantly strolling through your IG or you're checking to see what the latest gossip blog is talking about, you're not giving your brain time to process all of the intel (or not-so-intel) that it already received throughout the day. This can totally mess with your sleep patterns. It can also cause you to wake up feeling moody and anxious; that's a horrible way to start off any day.
If you don't think your relationship with your phone is as bad as all of this, test yourself. Commit to one week of putting your phone in an entirely different room for the evening. If the thought of doing this already has you hyperventilating…well. See my point?
You Think “Relax, Relate, Release” Is Only a Whitley Gilbert Cliché
Anyone who's a diehard A Different World fan knows that "relax, relate, release" came from a counseling session that Whitley was having as it related to trying to get over Dwayne. When her therapist (played by Debbie Allen) told her to do that, I believe it stuck with all who heard it. Why? Because most of us don't do those things.
Another clear sign of not being able to rest is if you know you're a chronic overthinker. You truly don't know how to NOT make a mountain out of a molehill about pretty much everything in your life. You cough and you wonder if it's lung cancer. Your ex gets engaged and you're spending hours trying to track the new chick down. You don't know how to complete a weekly to-do list because you're too busy worrying what your life, three years from now, will look like.
Some people are so used to overthinking that it's no big deal. Oh, but it is. There are studies that link it to mental illness and the inability to effectively solve problems too. In short, overthinking makes things worse, not better.
The solution?
It might sound flippant at first but relax (be less severe), relate (take a sympathetic approach), release (let it go).
I've done it for many things and the more I do, the easier it is to accept what I can do and let go of what I cannot. Doing both is what helps you to rest in a way that you probably never have before.
You Always Feel Like You Should Be Doing…SOMETHING
There's a guy I know who told me that one time he decided to go on vacation but, after a day, he returned back home. Why? Because he felt like—and these are his words—that he needed to be doing something; that just sitting along the water and reading a book seemed like a complete waste of time. There's another guy I know who is one of the worst insomniacs that I've ever seen. For at least the past 15 years, he's averaged 3-4 hours a night. He gives me that "I'll sleep when I'm dead" response (I've told him that, ironically, shortened longevity is a symptom of sleep deprivation). But I know for a fact that something both of these men have in common is they treat womanizing like it's an Olympic sport, so the counseling side of me thinks it's their conscious that's keeping them awake.
Anyway, even if you're not able to rest due to how you treat other people, if you are someone who feels guilty for having hours or even a weekend when you did nothing but binge-watch television or order in, what's up with that? Something that I dig about the biblical principle of the Sabbath (and the fact that even God rested—Genesis 2:1-3) is it's a reminder that rest is not a sign of laziness; it's a reward for working so hard. It's also a reminder that in order to do anything well, we need moments to recharge.
When's the last time you did just that?
You’re Constantly “Working on” Relaxing
It tickles me that, whenever I tell one of my Energizer bunny friends that she should learn to relax more, her response is, "Yeah…I'm working on that." Working on relaxing. Talk about your ultimate oxymoron. If you're so unaccustomed to not resting that it does literally feel like work for you to do it, try the following:
- Deep breathe
- Meditate
- Go on a hike
- Put some lavender oil on your pressure points
- Take a bubble bath
- Journal things you're grateful for
- Sleep in one weekend
- Drink some cherry juice (the melatonin in it is on point!)
- Forgive someone (no joke)
- TOTALLY UNPLUG. OFTEN.
People who are holistically healthy know that resting is not a luxury; it is absolutely a necessity. Love yourself enough to finally learn how to rest, with no reservations or apologies. OK? Good (for you).
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Featured image by Shutterstock
Originally published on March 13, 2019
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Illuminate Your Path: Your Astrological Guide To Navigating Eclipse Season
Eclipse Season this year is about focusing on where you are directing your energy, and what new developments taking place are helping your personal and relationship growth overall. This first Eclipse Season of the year is a ground-breaking time for relationships, and we are seeing where more balance may be needed here. Eclipse Season is when the eclipses of the year happen back-to-back, first at the beginning of the year and then in the second half of the year.
This first Eclipse Season of 2024 will be in the signs of Aries and Libra, who are sister signs in Astrology. This combination of Eclipses will highlight how you are balancing your personal goals with those of your relationships and where life goes when you are leading from the passion of your heart.
What The First Eclipse Season of 2024 Means in Astrology
Eclipses are always an eye-opening time, and they tend to bring massive changes and wake-up calls. The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Libra on March 25 is one of those times, and this Eclipse is all about letting go of the past in love. During a Lunar Eclipse, we are presented with a type of clarity that changes the direction of things, and with this eclipse happening in Libra, a lot of this has to do with relationships and finances. We are presented with an opportunity to learn through love, and to also gain a deeper understanding of what is needed in our partnerships, financial world, and sense of peace in life.
During this eclipse, ask yourself where can you bring more balance into your one-on-one relationships, and where can you let go more. This eclipse will be the second part of the Libra Eclipse from October 14, 2023, so think back to what was happening then, to see where some final clarity is beaming on such matters.
The New Moon Solar Eclipse on April 8, brings new energy into our lives, but the stability of said matters can be somewhat shaky for the time being, especially since this eclipse will be happening in feisty Aries. With this eclipse aligning with the North Node and Chiron who are currently in Aries, however, new opportunities and spaces for healing are presenting themselves overall. Look out for the synchronicity during this eclipse, and expect the unexpected. Solar Eclipses have the power to reinvigorate you and your life, and you can tap into its powerful energy by moving forward with a new beginning and not shying away from change.
This Eclipse Season is a reminder that you are worthy of success, freedom, clarity, and love, and it’s time to unburden yourself from the fears and restrictions towards that. With Mercury in retrograde during this Eclipse Season, things can feel intense during this time, and it will be showcasing what better ways you can navigate and understand both the mind and the heart. Remember, it’s all about having balance right now, so do the things you feel are going to keep you in that space.
Read for your sun, moon, and rising sign below, to see how this Eclipse Season will illuminate your life.
Eclipse Season 2024 Horoscope Predictions for Each Zodiac Sign
ARIES
This Eclipse Season is even more significant for you, Aries, being that they are happening in your sister sign, and later in your sign. The lunar eclipse in March is an awakening time for you, and it’s awakening your inspiration, creativity, and passion for life and love. You are having some eye-opening moments right now and are seeing the clear vision of your future and the past you are leaving behind. Your guidance of the Lunar Eclipse in Libra is to let go of making things harder than they need to be on the path to your dreams and focus on how you can make your visions a reality.
The second eclipse of this Eclipse Season will be in your sign on April 8, and this Solar Eclipse is another one of those enlightening experiences for you. You are getting the answers you have been looking for and are setting yourself free from the things that restrict your sense of self. You are not playing small right now, and you are truly creating from the heart. Remember to take things one day at a time during these eclipses, however, as Mercury will also be retrograde in your sign in the midst of it all. Things are shaking up for you right now, but you are the one in charge of it at the end of the day.
TAURUS
Your intuition is your most powerful asset during this Eclipse Season, Taurus. The Full Moon Eclipse happening at the end of March will highlight that truth to you and bring things to the surface that remind you of how far you have come. This eclipse is a time to take care of yourself, focus on your inner and outer well-being, and be around the people who inspire you.
You are leading the way forward right now, but also need some time to truly grasp what you are leaving behind in the process and what you want to dedicate yourself and your time to now.
The Solar Eclipse in Aries, occurring on April 8, will be in your 12th house of closure, healing, dreams, and spirituality, and you are seeing the gifts of creating more space and freedom in your life. This is a time of gaining some powerful insights and opening up to new perspectives that allow you to heal. You are starting from square one in many ways right now but are moving forward towards more progress nonetheless. The mountains you have climbed are behind you now, and it’s time to expect more ease and to believe that things can be more effortless for you in life.
GEMINI
Balance is needed during this Eclipse Season, Gemini. The first eclipse happening on March 25 will be occurring in a fellow air sign, Libra, and you are positively aligning with the energy. This is a Lunar Eclipse of seeing dreams come to fruition and feeling a deep sense of fulfillment in your life. With this Full Moon Eclipse highlighting your 5th house of romance, you are seeing some pleasant occurrences in love bloom for you now. You have had high expectations and have not wavered on what your heart wants, and you are seeing the success that comes from having this type of faith in yourself and the universe.
On April 8, there is a New Moon Solar Eclipse in Aries, reminding you that sometimes letting go means moving forward. You have gained a lot of clarity on where the love is in your life and where it isn’t, and you are looking to move away from those people or experiences who leave you feeling more drained than loved. There are some surprises in store for you now, and you are working on creating more space to let them in. Focus on your community, your friendships, your soulmates, and how you can be more vulnerable or honest with others about how you are feeling in those spaces.
CANCER
This Eclipse Season for you, is about getting into a good headspace, Cancer. The Lunar Eclipse on March 25 is highlighting what thoughts and perspectives have been limiting your personal growth, and which ones encourage. You are letting go of fears, self-sabotage, and overthinking what needs to be trusted more. With this eclipse happening in your 4th house of home, family, and foundations, this is where shake-ups will be happening and where you may need to work on letting go more. This is a good time to journal your thoughts, meditate, and get some extra rest.
The Solar Eclipse in Aries happening at the beginning of April will be a time of passion, finding a new direction, and overall you are connecting the dots right now. Your career, goals, and professional world are all highlighted during this eclipse, and this is where new beginnings are more likely for you now. Remember to give yourself more compassion and self-trust when it comes to the dreams you want to see through and know that sometimes all it takes is making that first step towards them to feel better about everything.
LEO
It’s time to take a pause and to regroup, Leo. This Eclipse Season is giving you just that, and some more patience will be needed during this time. The Lunar Eclipse on March 25 is giving you the space to rethink some future plans and goals. You may feel like things are being put on hold right now, and that’s because more information needs to come to the surface. Mercury will be retrograde during this Eclipse Season and it’s not the time to rush what needs more growth.
Know that when plans change, a better path is being opened up to you, oftentimes even better than expected.
The Solar Eclipse in Aries on April 8 is about making some important decisions for your future. You are being presented with a few different opportunities and new doors opening right now, and you are being reminded to not only make decisions from the head but from the heart, too. Focus on where you are feeling called and pulled towards rather than what you think people are expecting of you. It’s time to broaden your horizons and focus on the big picture of it all so that you can make the decisions that are not only going to benefit you right now but your future as well.
VIRGO
This Eclipse Season is a big time of change for your financial world, Virgo. You are balancing the abundance you are bringing in, with the future abundance you are investing in, and this is the time to sort through this area of your life. The Lunar Eclipse on March 25 will be bringing things full circle for you financially, and you are receiving your success and due rewards now. This is an abundant Full Moon for you, and one when you are embracing the support from your peers and support systems and are focused on what your personal growth can do for the growth of your relationships as well.
The Solar Eclipse, however, may need more of your patience and grace as you are juggling a lot during this time, Virgo. This New Moon is overall another chance at a new beginning for you and your personal sense of abundance, but it’s also reminding you to not take on more than you are prepared to. Make sure you are thoroughly looking over expenses, contracts, and the budget this Eclipse Season, as you may have to spend more than you were expecting. Overall, there’s a chance to put yourself in a better or more stable position financially during this eclipse, and you are letting go of not valuing your time, energy, and skill as much as you should.
LIBRA
A time of love, connection, and clarity is upon you, Libra. This Eclipse Season is beginning in your sign, with a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Libra on March 25. You have been focused a lot on your goals in love while also trying to put yourself first more here, and you are finding the perfect balance in the middle right now. With this eclipse in your sign, you are moving through a metamorphosis this Eclipse Season, and it’s bringing forth the clarity of what you need and want in love. You are seeing clearly what path is going to lead you to more of the things you want here, and are letting go of worrying about whether you will receive them or not.
The Solar Eclipse in April is happening in your opposite sign, and you are experiencing a positive renewal in love. You are coming together with another, and the changes that are happening in your life right now are overall beneficial to your relationships and your love life. What you were once daydreaming about and putting the feelers out there for is manifesting for you now, and it’s all about embarking on a new journey of romance. Life is unfolding for you and showing you how good things can get for you when you bridge that gap that separates you from another, Libra.
SCORPIO
This is a rejuvenating Eclipse Season for you, Scorpio. You are feeling empowered with the changes that are flowing through your life now, and they are the ones you have been planning for and expecting. The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on March 25 is a big letting go for you, and you are letting go of the fears that have been keeping you away from showing up, expressing yourself as you wish to, and claiming the abundance that is meant to be yours.
You are proving to yourself that you deserve the good that’s in your life and on its way to you, and you are ready to let go of it, also feeling like you have to do it all on your own.
The second eclipse of this Eclipse Season is happening in your 6th house of health, work, and daily lifestyle, and you are seeing the benefits that come from putting your well-being first. This is a good time for feeling balanced in life and like what you have been putting out there, is coming back to you in positive ways. You are financially moving through a time of success this Eclipse Season overall, and gifts are coming in for you now, Scorpio. Believe in the impossible, and nourish your life from the inside out.
SAGITTARIUS
There is a lot to grasp this Eclipse Season, Sagittarius. You are being guided towards relaxing more and taking a step back to assess your situation and the path ahead of you. With the Lunar Eclipse on March 25 happening in your 11th house of community, hopes, dreams, and friendships, this is a good time to reach out to the people you feel seen and supported by. Know that when you are going through something heavy, sometimes it’s necessary to ask for help so that you don’t burn yourself out trying to solve something on your own that you don’t understand. This eclipse is all about letting go of what doesn’t serve you or your personal growth and gaining new wisdom, Sag.
The Solar Eclipse on April 8, happening in fellow fire sign Aries, is another moment of needing some extra strength. Through the growth you have been through, you put yourself on a whole new playing field in life, but with what has also come, some more challenges you may not have been expecting. This Eclipse is asking you to confront where you may be feeling some guilt or shame in pursuing your passions or interests and how you can clear the way for yourself more here. Overall, this Eclipse Season is showing you how capable you truly are.
CAPRICORN
You are moving through a time of massive breakthroughs, Capricorn. You are generally in good spirits during this Eclipse Season, as the growth you are experiencing now is a magical development for you. The Lunar Eclipse in Libra is one when you are trusting your intuition and letting go of some projects or goals that don’t align with the skills and interests you see in yourself now. Your professional world is being highlighted with this eclipse, and you could be changing jobs, letting go of an old dream, or overall rebuilding in this area of your life. This eclipse is asking you to trust yourself more and to check in on how you have been feeling about your progress and how you want to present yourself and show up in the world.
The eclipse happening on April 8 is a breath of fresh air for you and one when you are experiencing some happy outcomes and occurrences. You are overall feeling more stable and sure of yourself and where you are headed right now, and a lot of this growth is coming through for you in the home. Through the goals you were letting go of and the goals you were recreating for yourself, you find yourself in a new environment now, and there is something bright and fulfilling about where you are at the end of this Eclipse Season.
AQUARIUS
This Eclipse Season for you, Aquarius, is a time to gain clarity of the mind and of the heart. The Lunar Eclipse on March 25 is happening in a fellow air sign, and you are feeling the synergy in your life during this time. This eclipse is highlighting your 9th house of adventure and perspective- and it’s a good time to gain some right now. You are overall letting your heart lead the way, and are finding yourself in exciting company and spaces. This eclipse is bringing in a fresh start for you in love and is also giving you clarity on where you have truly healed here.
The second eclipse of this Eclipse Season is happening in the sign of Aries on April 8, and this is a time when more rest, self-love, and self-care are needed. You need some time to truly relax your mind and give yourself the freedom to not think about anything heavy for the time being. You have recognized how important it is to be in a good headspace when you are moving through life and your experiences, and for you, oftentimes, that means getting some time away for yourself and healing within that alone time. Overall, this Eclipse Season is easing the mind and awakening the heart.
PISCES
This Eclipse Season is a big deal for your partnerships in life, Pisces. You are navigating the changes you are experiencing here, but also the breakthroughs you have been able to make happen for yourself here as well. The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on March 25 is turning things around for you for the better and you are moving through a time of development when it comes to your commitments and where you have been putting your dedication and energy. Life is coming full circle, and you are receiving the support and good fortune that you deserve, Pisces.
Let go of feeling like you have to prove yourself, and trust that you are exactly where you should be and that you have done the work.
The Solar Eclipse on April 8, is another groundbreaking time for you, only this eclipse is more focused on your financial world and creating a safe environment for your income to grow. You could be receiving a raise, promotion, new job opportunity, or overall the clarity needed to create a better financial present and future for yourself. Everything is lining up for you this Eclipse Season, and it’s all about moving with change and trusting the divine timing of your life right now, Pisces.
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