It was just last week that I was riding the train in a red and black striped bodysuit and high waisted jeans. Drake's "In my Feelings" was blasting in my earbuds.
There I was with a huge curly lacefront that I had anxiously waited to be delivered so that I could throw it on my head and instantly feel fabulous, despite the fact that the city was just coming off a week-long heat wave.
As I told my Instagram followers, "I'm gonna be hot as hell anyway. Might as well look like Tracee Ellis Ross while doing so."
Only in that moment, the impeccably dressed Black Girls Rock host wasn't my muse. In that moment, the only person that came to mind was Angel Evangelista, one of the leading characters of the show Pose played by Indya Moore. In that moment, Angel made me feel like the most fabulous person on the Market Frankford line, if not the entire city. You couldn't tell me I wasn't on the way to an exclusive bar in NYC to close a million-dollar book deal over Old Fashioneds, and not to my 9-5 at a non-profit.
If you're a fan of the groundbreaking show Pose on FX, you'll know it's about more than sexual orientation or gender identity. It's about family, friends, as well as finding and defining yourself and living life on your own terms. In addition to learning about 80's ballroom culture, and witnessing some fierce fashion in plenty of extravagant ball scenes, the cast of Pose are all grasping the reins of their lives in their own way.
They do so by being fearless and owning their femininity in a way the truly expresses how differently we all present our authentic selves, whether we're rocking huge gold bamboo earrings or big curly hair, don't care.
According to The Hollywood Reporter, the cast includes the "largest number of transgender actors in series regular roles for a scripted series." The characters are all larger than life, but not in a To Wong Fu kind of way that makes you want to crack jokes. Their characters represent themselves in a way where you hope you can join them for karaoke and finally become one of the cool kids. You realize when the ball competitions are over, they go home and cry over the guy that never called and have to figure out which bills they can afford to pay late just like the rest of us.
Whether you're anxiously awaiting to binge from the very beginning, or you're hesitant to watch because you assume the show is all about drag queens or the devastation of HIV in the 80's, let me reassure that there is a lesson in the show for us all no matter how we identify or who we love.
Here are lessons we can learn from Pose about living your absolute best life in ways Lil' Duval couldn't begin to imagine:
1.A Closed Mouth Doesn’t Get Fed, No Matter How Fierce It Is
Whether Blanca (played by MJ Rodriguez) is marching into The New School For Dance demanding an audition for her son Damon, or challenging her rivals to a competition that many might not think her tribe has a chance winning, she's a bold example that nothing in life that's worth having will be handed to you. If you know Blanca, you know she rarely asks permission, but what I love about her character is that she's proof of what can happen when you face challenges head on, even if you don't feel the most prepared or confident.
She shows us that you'll fail, you'll be embarrassed, people will laugh at you, and make fun of you, but as long as you have your family and friends to come home to, you won't fall the hell apart. In fact, those are the very people who will give you the courage to get back out there, adjust your damn wig, and try again.
2.There's Always An Opportunity To Be Fabulous
Of all the characters, I believe Angel Evangelista and Elektra Extravagance display this lesson the best. In my favorite episode "Giving Is Receiving," Angel literally looks like she should be sitting on top of someone's Douglas Fir with tinsel draped across her French Vanilla calves. Homegirl is rocking a baby pink boa, a white trench coat, thigh-high white patent leather boots, and hot pink stiletto nails. In a world of Ugg Boots and PINK sweatpants, my girl Angel could easily have her ass on stage at Rockefeller Center giving Mariah Carey a run for her money, and she's only about to trim a damn tree in that scene.
None of the characters are inherently wealthy, but they turn what they have into opulence and show us that "fabulous" is about more than perfectly placed eyelashes or a contour from the MUA Gods.
Fabulous is all about how you feel.
More importantly, they encourage us to make the most of out every moment, whether you're sleeping on a park bench, or you're already halfway to accomplishing your dreams. If you want to use all five of your Urban Decay Naked Palettes to sit in the house and play Jenga, just make sure you take the time to perfect that liquid liner. You never need a reason to feel or look fabulous AF.
3.How Others Value You Doesn’t Determine Your Worth
People that identify as LGBTQ are no strangers to the disrespect and intolerance that can come as a result of them just trying to live their lives from those that aren't familiar with their community.
We all throw shade from time to time, and during our worst days, we attempt to destroy our worst enemies lives one Instagram comment at a time. What matters most is that we eventually return to our authentic selves and give out the love and respect that we may not always receive. Over the season, we've witnessed Blanca's biological family basically disown her. The mean girls of the ball world have picked apart everything from her fashion choices to feminine hygiene. Throughout it all, she focuses her fight on building a better life for her children.
While so many mistakenly assume that people who identify LGBTQ are trying to find themselves, so many of these characters are already quite familiar with who they are. Even when they aren't being applauded or stacking trophies and titles, they still bring the best parts of themselves to life everyday. But don't get it twisted: If you catch them at the right moment, you WILL get your feelings hurt.
4.It’s Better To Choose Yourself Over A Man, Than Lose Yourself Under One
The first season of this show drops so many gems on love. We witness Angel fall in love with a man whose world is filled with briefcases, suburban single homes, and soccer moms. Elektra finds herself choosing between loving what she sees in the mirror and being in love. In the end, all of the women end up choosing themselves and show us that people can truly love us and support us financially, emotionally, and mentally, but real happiness will always remain a solo effort.
We all have a tendency to bring our baggage, flaws, and insecurities into a new relationship, but anyone who is asking you to abandon what makes you feel complete and whole outside of their company, isn't someone whose company you should keep for long.
5.The Family That Slays Together, Stays Together
More than gender-reassignment surgery or same sex relationships, at the heart of Pose is a story about family. The show's theme emphasizes the idea that family is about more than shared DNA or last names.
It's about people who don't give up on each other. It's about the people who show up (and show out) and fight for us even when they are dealing with their own battles. There are times when my four-year-old is trying to stick a Q-tip in the dog's nose and I question if I even still want to be her mother, and here we have a character like Blanca who is trying to rescue Papi from street life, picking up the pieces of Angel's broken heart and at the damn dance school almost more than her son helping him stay on pointe...literally and figuratively.
The most fabulous thing about Pose are the bonds that are formed and endured..and of course, Blanca's statement leather jackets that are giving me all kinds of 80's Salt and Pepa life.
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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From Dinnerware To Color Palette: How To Curate Your Dream Thanksgiving Table
Food is the star of the show for Thanksgiving, but let’s be honest: dinner wouldn’t be anything special without a good tablescape. Decor is a significant part of the holiday season! Garlands, pumpkins, candles, and other decor can take your Thanksgiving spread from bland to brilliant! However, we understand the stress of making a whole feast for family and friends.
We sat down with Beth Smith of Beth Diana Smith Interior Designs to learn how to create the perfect tablescape for any dinner party.
Set the Tone With Dinnerware
Carolyn Ann Ryan/Getty Images
“Focus on the meal you’re serving and make your dinnerware set the tone and be the highlight of the table,” says Smith. The dinner is why your community is coming together and is arguably the most crucial centerpiece. Decorative pieces are nice, but food and what we use to eat can make it much more special. Smith suggests, “I recommend the Nguka dinnerware set from 54kibo, which is stunning, unique, and beautifully made.”
If you’re looking for a more affordable option, The Stoke Collection by ceramic artists Althea’s Meade-Hajduk is intentionally created to visually enhance any meal experience.
Have Fun With Your Color Palette
Maria Korneeva/Getty Images
In the world of nude palette overload, it’s nice to see color occasionally. Color is a natural mood booster that can bring excitement to the room - or table! “Create a thoughtful color palette that is not the standard Thanksgiving palette of fall colors,” says Smith. Having fun with colors and moving away from a traditional setting can bring uniqueness to your tablescape.
There’s also no chance of your tablescape having the same color palette as everyone else on social media. Smith adds, “If pink has grabbed your attention, this dusty pink set from Our Place has different plate and bowl size options.”
Incorporate Florals Through Bud Vases or Bouquets
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Who doesn’t love florals? This look is accepted year-round, not just when romance is involved. “You can’t go wrong with florals for a tablescape if you’re setting it for your family, friends, or a group of singles,” says Smith. Florals are an easy way to make any event look elevated without having to try as hard. If you’re worried about hypoallergenic guests, you can purchase artificial flowers from Amazon. Here, you can find various floral options and even create your own bouquet.
“A floral tablescape can be budget-friendly or as extravagant as you may like. You can select a few bud vases and strategically place them around the table using a bouquet you bought locally,” says Smith.
Unsure of who is your local florist? Black Girl Florist is a site that helps you source local florists in your area. Click here to find a florist in your neighborhood! And if your budget is a little tighter than usual due to the holidays, Smith has a solution that will save you money altogether. Smith suggests, “You can also use dried-up branches and leaves from your backyard, which would be free.”
Elevate Your Tablescape With a Charcuterie Board
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Charcuterie boards have become all the rage on TikTok, and for good reason. Mixing your favorite meats, cheese, and grapes has made snacking visually tasteful. Smith says they can also create a fabulous tablescape - killing two birds with one stone. Smith says, “You can never go wrong with creating one large charcuterie board. This makes food the decoration interesting, colorful, and delicious!” This could be especially great for Friendsgiving, and you want to avoid cooking a turkey twice.
The beauty of charcuterie boards is creating a food palette unique to you or your guest's needs. On the flip side, we also understand how overwhelming it can be to decide precisely what to put on your board. Smith has a few recommendations that can be helpful, “You can include cheeses, crackers, and meats, but you can also add specialty items like deserts, chocolate, and truffle mustard.”
Smith refers to the Truffle Mustard by Truffiest, an award-deserving mustard infused with summer truffles from northern Italy. This mustard can be paired with crackers, cheeses, meats, and shredded turkey if you want to stay on the theme.
Build on an Artsy Vibe and Add Layers
Liliboas/Getty Images
There’s no shame in bringing it back to basics. Bring out the old tablecloth your family member gave you a few years ago; it’s vintage! “The goal is to make the table look and feel like you have everything you need and more,” Smith says. Everything you need and more can consist of four main ingredients: tablecloth, napkins, cups, and, most importantly - wine glasses. “Make the tablescape feel artistic with funky dinner napkins and tablecloths. Then, layer with oversized plates, long-stemmed wine glasses, and after-dinner cups.”
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Featured image by Goodboy Picture Company/Getty Images
5 Lessons We Can Learn From 'Pose' About Being Fabulous AF