Inspiring Women Share What 2020 Taught Them About Gratitude
It's a wrap, y'all. Can you believe 2020 is almost over? We have officially entered my favorite season of the year which, for many of us, between carving out more time to spend with our loved ones for the holidays, closing the company's books for business owners, and doing all sorts of things to get ready for the year ahead, can be a hectic time. It's also a time during which there's massive self-reflection going on—contemplating the months that have just passed, positive and negative events that have occurred, what has gone well and what hasn't, as well as determining the actions that we can take with the intent to make our futures better.
It's no secret that this year has been a bit...'unplanned' for lack of a better word. Unplanned in a sense where I'm sure none of us wrote down "surviving a pandemic and aggravated racism" on our goals list for 2020. But also in a sense where, despite the terrible things we had to go through and the many challenges we had to face, somehow I've seen the world express a lot of gratitude all along—if I dare to say, more than usual.
How and why is that? Well, this is a conversation I've been lucky enough to have with 4 incredibly resilient women that walked me through some of the hardest battles they fought this year, told me about what these difficult times taught them about gratitude, as well as what gratitude means to them.
Niekiha (Nikki) Duncan, 30
Courtesy of Niekiha Duncan
Graphic Designer, Creative Director, Blogger & Tattoo Shop Owner
When January 2020 rolled around, I found myself in an uncomfortable place. While vision board parties and "New Year, new me" talk surrounded me, I felt uninspired to plan anything. Buying a planner wasn't in my intentions, neither was setting any professional or personal goals. I felt lost about what I was doing and where I was going.
The main obstacles I faced this year all revolved around my own need for personal and emotional growth.
I, like many other women, have a tendency to try to control anything and everything around me. But times like these forced me to face the fact that no matter how hard we work on avoiding bad things from happening, in the end, rare are the times when we truly have the final say.
Confronting my own issues wasn't easy. I think it's fair to say that human beings have a hard time to admit that maybe the root of the problems they are facing in their lives actually lies within them. The process of holding myself accountable, dropping the excuses, and prioritizing my own journey was my biggest obstacle—but also my biggest reward.
I think that, as women, we tend to rush the "feeling like ish process" during hard times. Personally, there were times when I've navigated tough storms and found myself in a hurry to feel better.
Meanwhile, rushing into positivity often silences our ability to heal and suppresses a lot of necessary healing. Growth happens during hard times. Reflection is possible in moments where everything else is stripped away.
It wasn't until mid-March that I became more intentional about setting some personal and professional goals for myself. I remembered my wish to dive deeper into doing creative direction and graphic design for female-centric brands, and I acted on it. From there, the vision I had for my future became clearer, leading me to achieve major life goals that were previously nonexistent, such as creating and launching a physical planner plus a lifestyle brand focused on celebrating multilayered women in pursuit of self-improvement, self-love, and purpose. Today, unlike last year, I'm happy to say that I'm looking forward to 2021.
Finally, if I had to define gratitude, I would say it requires mindfulness; allowing yourself to pause from time to time and reflect on the journey. It's finding a balance between appreciating your growth, owning your past, and desiring to have more.
Follow Nikki on Instagram: @dailybynikki.
Akima Byfield, 28
Courtesy of Akima Byfield
Healthcare Operations Manager
This year challenged my mentality on a level I didn't see coming and was not prepared for at all. It took a toll on me as there were many crying and unhappy nights. All that I longed for financially happened and it turned out I was more unhappy than I was when I didn't have it.
At the end of each year, I purchase a new journal to dedicate my thoughts and goals for the upcoming year. On December 31, I spend an hour and a half before the new year to jot down any and all things I would like to see come into fruition. In 2019, I envisioned many things scaling from mental, emotional, physical, and materialistic means. I also prayed for a new position which I was able to accomplish with the help of the Most High.
I manifested a salary increase of $34,000 which placed me as the first African-American and youngest Operations Manager in the company's history.
I've learned that although it may be easier to bask in the negativity, we should put work into finding the positive just so we can be reminded that every "L" isn't a loss. Quite the contrary, most of the time, it's a lesson. That what is meant for us will be ours, at the time that is destined for us. To be happy with ourselves and our situation, we must appreciate ourselves and all that we've previously overcome.
Follow Akima on Instagram: @_akima
Robin Allison Davis, 36
Courtesy of Robin Allison Davis
Producer (Documentary/Multimedia)
What has this year taught me about gratitude, you ask? Well, I've learned that if we take the time to look around, we can see that no matter where we find ourselves in life, beauty still surrounds us and small wins do matter.
I began my year undergoing my last reconstructive surgery after a 1.5 year battle with breast cancer. I didn't have too many goals for 2020, to be honest; my main plan was to get back on my feet after a trying and difficult two years. However, life threw me a curveball during the summer. To be honest, I believed nothing could be as bad as what I already went through.
It's hard to explain the roller coaster that 2020 has been. I'd had a very tough two years going through my cancer journey virtually alone considering I'm a single American expat living in Paris, France.
Shortly after my reconstructive surgery, France went into its first round of lockdown due to COVID-19. Knowing that I was vulnerable because of my medical history, I strictly adhered to the rules and never left my small studio apartment for the entire eight weeks during which we were required to stay home. It was a joy to be healthy and have my own space to keep myself safe. But when I visited my doctors for my follow-up appointments after they lifted the lockdown, after multiple tests and yet another surgery, I was told that my cancer returned—more aggressively. I'm currently going through chemotherapy as I'm writing this—not quite the end of the year I had imagined.
It's shocking to find out that you'll be battling cancer twice in two years. It's even worse when the reality hits you that due to the pandemic, you have to go through your treatment alone, without family or friends able to fly over to help you recover.
Mentally and emotionally, I felt broken. Yes, I'd done this before but never had I had to go through it in a time where I'm not allowed to reach out to a friend for a hug. Breast cancer can be an extremely isolating experience and the COVID-19 made it even worse.
I don't think I'm well-placed to give advice on how to maintain a state of gratitude. I'm still on my journey and it's even more difficult than I expected it would be. But maintaining a positive attitude is one of the most important things I can do to win my battle and aid in my recovery. One thing that I try to remember is to be kind to myself. If I'm not where I need to be mentally, I may be the next day or the day after.
With all of that being said, even with everything that has happened this year in the world and to me personally, I'm not willing to say that 2020 is the worst year ever.
It's not an answer you would expect from someone going through cancer treatment, but what I'm most grateful for are my health and my body. I've gone through multiple surgeries, rounds of chemotherapy and so much more, but I'm still here. My body is still fighting and in most moments, I feel completely fine—although exhausted. I made the conscious effort to not hate my body for my situation, but to encourage it to continue the fight.
Follow Robin on Instagram: @robinista
Chantel King, 29
Courtesy of Chantel King
Content Creator
From the beginning, 2020 was getting the best of me and weighing me down, both on a mental and emotional level. It felt as though everything that I worked for was being taken away from me one by one.
First, it was my 10-year relationship. Although the breakup occurred a few months before we entered this new decade, I was still trying to find my way back to myself and heal my heart when the year started. Then, during the summer, there was that one week that completely K.O.'d me and turned my life upside down: My best friend and I parted ways because of a meaningless argument, my other best friend, my 15-year-old dog Tigger, passed away the next day, and the day after, I got laid off from my 9-5 which left me with a brand new car note to pay off with zero income. Oh, and did I mention that not even a month after getting my brand new car, I got into a car accident that could've easily taken my life?
Until recently, that's what 2020 consisted of for me: Falling into depression, not having much to brag about whereas I pictured myself engaged, moved out with a new car, and working my dream career by this time. But I had nothing. And yet, I was still being grateful.
Gratitude plays a huge role in my life. It's what keeps me motivated. Not long ago, I started a concept called 365 days of gratitude. Every day, I make a list of the things I'm grateful for to help me get through my darkest days. Doing this taught me to find the simplest blessings in my daily life. Some days are tough, some others are sad, but if we find something to be thankful for, then the way we view our reality changes. It also taught me that, more than anything, life happens for a reason.
We cannot stress over what we cannot control; instead, we should find a way to fix things. Stressing does nothing but make us miserable. One of my favorite quotes is: "Do not dig up in doubt what you planted in faith." In other words, just because things are bad now doesn't mean they will stay that way.
The proof is, when I got laid off, I took advantage of my free time to hone my creative skills which include writing, all while networking during virtual events. That later led me to land a Social Media Manager gig with a renowned brand. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be in the position I am in today.
By pushing through. By changing your perspective, learning to accept, and letting go of things you cannot control. That's how you create and maintain a state of gratitude. Instead of saying, "Damn, I wish I could stay in bed," when your alarm goes off in the morning, say, "I'm so thankful to see another day."
Find the little blessings in life; they are there to remind you that you are doing just fine.
Follow Chantel on Instagram: @chantel.ciera
Featured image courtesy of Niekiha Duncan
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The most Gemini woman you'll ever meet. Communications & community enthusiast, I run a media platform centered around spirituality, and I'm always looking to connect with fellow creatives. Follow me on Instagram & Twitter @savannahtaider
Beyond Burnout: Nicole Walters' Blueprint For Achieving Career Success On Your Own Terms
Nicole Walters has always been known for two things: her ambition and her ability to recognize when life’s challenges can also double as an inspiring, lucrative brand.
This was first evident more than a decade ago when she quit her job as the corporate executive of a Fortune 500 company during a Periscope livestream. “I’m not sure if there’s an alignment of [our] future trajectory. I’m going to work for myself. I'm promoting myself to work for myself,” she said at the time before flashing a smile at the viewing audience. As she resigned on camera, a constant stream of encouraging messages floated upwards on the screen.
By 2021, she’d fashioned her work as a corporate consultant and her personal life with her husband and three adopted daughters into a reality show, She’s The Boss, for USA Network. This year, she released the New York Times bestselling memoir Nothing Is Missing, written as she was in the process of getting a divorce and dealing with her eldest daughter’s struggles with substance use.
Convinced that there’s no way the 39-year-old has achieved all of this without intentional strategic planning, I asked her about it when we spoke less than a week before Christmas. I’d seen videos on social media of her working on 2024 planning for other brands, and I wanted to know what that looked like following her own year of success.
She listed a number of goals, including ensuring that the projects she takes on in the new year align with her identity “as a Black woman, as an African woman, as a mother, as someone who has lived a [rebuilding] season and is now trying to live boldly and entirely as themselves.” But, I was shocked by how much of her business planning also prioritized rest.
Despite the bestselling book, a self-titled podcast, and working with numerous corporations, Walters said she’s been taking Fridays off. This year, she doesn’t want to work on Mondays, either.
“A lot of us think we work hard until retirement hits. I want to progress towards retirement,” she said, noting that she’ll check in with herself around March to see how successful this plan has been. The goal, Walters said, is to only be working on Tuesdays and Thursdays by sometime in 2025. “It is intentionally building out what I know I would like to have happen and not waiting for exhaustion to be the trigger of change.”
"A lot of us think we work hard until retirement hits. I want to progress towards retirement... It is intentionally building out what I know I would like to happen and not waiting for exhaustion to be the trigger of change."
Walters said the decision to progressively work less was partially in response to her previously held notions about her career, especially as an entrepreneur. “When I first started, I thought burnout was a part of it,” she said. “What I didn’t realize is that even if you’re able to bounce out of burnout or get back to it, there’s a cumulative impact on your body. If you think of your body as a tree and every time you go through burnout, you are taking a hack out of your trunk, yes, that trunk will heal over, and the tree will continue to grow, but it doesn't mean that you don’t have a weakened stem.”
But, the desire for increased rest was also in response to the major shifts that occurred three years ago when she was experiencing major changes in her family and realized her metaphorical tree was “bending all the way over.”
Courtesy
“One of the things we have to recognize, especially as Black women, is that there is this engrained, societal, systemic notion that our worth is built around our productivity,” she added. “That is some language that I think is just now starting to really get unpacked.” In recent years, there’s been an increased awareness of achieving balance in life, with Tricia Hersey’s “The Nap Ministry” gaining attention based on the idea that rest, especially for Black women, is a form of resistance. Even online phrases such as “soft life” and “quiet quitting” have hinted at a cultural shift in prioritizing leisure over professional ambition.
"One of the things we have to recognize, especially as Black women, is that there is this engrained, societal, systemic notion that our worth is built around our productivity."
If companies are lining up to consult with Walters about their brands and products, then women have been looking to her for guidance on starting over since she invited them to livestream her resignation 12 years ago. As viewers continue to demand more from content creators in the form of intimate, personal details, Walters has navigated her personal brand with a sense of transparency without oversharing the vulnerable details about her life, especially when it comes to her family.
The entrepreneur said she’d been approached to write a book for several years and was initially convinced she was finally ready to write one about business. “I started to do that, and then I went through my divorce. When that happened, I said, why would I write a book telling people to get the life that I have when I’m not sure about the life that I have,” she said.
Instead, she decided to write Nothing Is Missing and provide a closer look at her life, starting with being born to immigrant Ghanaian parents (“You need to know my childhood to know why I’m passionate about entrepreneurship.”) through the adoption of her three daughters and eventual divorce. Despite her desire to share, however, she said she felt protective of the privacy of her family, including her ex-husband.
When discussing this with me, Walters said she was reminded of a lesson she learned from actress Kerry Washington, who released her own memoir, Thicker Than Water, just a week before Walters’ book release. Washington’s memoir grapples with family secrets, too, specifically the fact that she was conceived using a sperm donor and didn’t learn about it until she was already a successful TV star. While Washington reflects on how the decision and subsequent deception impacted her, she’s also careful to hold space for her parents’ experiences, too. “A lot of things she said was that she had to recognize where she was the supporting character and where she was the main character,” Walter said.
This is something Walter worked to do in Nothing Is Missing when discussing her daughter’s struggles with addiction. “I was very intentional about making sure that I did not reveal more than what was required,” she said. “If I say something about someone’s addiction, I don’t need to go into the list of the substances they used, how they used them, what I found. [I don’t need to] walk into a room and paint a picture of what it looked like for people to understand.”
Walters said some of the most vulnerable moments in the book barely made a ripple once it was released. She was extremely nervous to write about getting an abortion, she said. But no one has asked her about this in the months since the book was released. Instead, people have been more interested in quirkier revelations, such as the fact that she once appeared on Wheel of Fortune.
“I have bared my soul about this thing I went through in my youth that has changed me for people, and people are like, ‘So how heavy was the wheel when you spun it?’” she said, chuckling. “It just goes to show that people never worry about the thing that you worry about.”
With the success of Nothing Is Missing, Walters said she still isn’t planning to release a business book at the moment. But, as she navigates parenting a teenager and two adult children while also navigating a relationship with her new fiancé, Walters said she believes she has at least one or two more books to write about her personal journey. “There is sort of an arc of where my life has gone that I know I’ve got something more to say about this that I think is important, relevant and necessary,” she said.
In just three years, Walters’ life has undergone a major transformation. There’s no telling what the next three years will have in store for her, but it seems likely she’ll retain an inspired audience wherever life takes her.
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I mean, you see the title. You know what it is. LOL. I will share the inspiration for this real quick before diving all the way in.
I must admit that I don’t watch The Real Housewives franchises all that much. There are several reasons why, yet the main one is there seem to be less and less actual wives on the show, so — the title is hella misleading. Sometimes, when I’m channel surfing (is it just me or does it seem like we’ve all got a ton of channels with not much merit on ANY of them?), I’ll find myself intrigued. And so, not too long ago, when the ladies ofThe Real Housewives of Potomac got into the topic of who swallows — yes, sperm and semen — Robyn Dixon copped to it while everyone else looked appalled, two things came to my mind.
One, what do women think that men go through when they go down on them? It’s not like it’s exactly the Sahara Desert down there, so how would they feel if their partner got up and “spit them out” during oral sex? And two — an article that I wrote for the platform years ago that received quite a bit of traction is “Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm” and when it comes to how good it can do your body? Sperm and semen (the fluid that carries it) are loaded with protein, reduce stress, boost moods, help with balancing hormones, and reduce inflammation, is basically a supreme multivitamin and can even extend your longevity.
Now, am I saying that swallowing is like a trip to Baskin Robbins? No. Yet, my personal opinion is that the texture/consistency, more than the taste itself, is what takes some getting used to (tell your man that water and a high vitamin C diet do indeed help in both departments). Either way, though, a lot of the…let’s go with trepidation that a lot of women have is in their mind more than anything. And besides, it’s not like there aren’t some proven hacks that can help to…“make the medicine go down” more easily.
Listen, I know that some women are never gonna be sold on swallowing. I also know that far too many men have told me that it definitely takes experiencing fellatio to an entirely different level. So, if you’re open to giving swallowing (more of) a shot, I wanted to help you out by providing some hacks that could very well…turn you into a swallowing master.
Take a deep breath. Exhale. Now let’s get into it.
1. Suck on a Mint
GiphyOkay, so if you have tasted semen (I’m gonna go with that from now on since sperm “travels” in it) before and you just can’t seem to get past how bitter or salty it is, one thing that can help is to suck on a peppermint or Altoids before the act begins. It can help to mask the taste — plus, the sensation of the menthol is something that a lot of men enjoy experiencing because it provides a sensation of coolness that, when combined with the suction sensation, is pretty incomparable.
2. Put Your Tongue Down
GiphyI’ll never forget playing a round of Never Have I Ever with some friends back in the day, and when the topic of swallowing came up, one of them said that what she does is she asks the guy to let her know (either by vocalizing it or tugging on her hair) when he’s about to cum and she puts her tongue down until/while he does. Meaning, that she stretches out her tongue and tries to lay it as flat on the bottom of her mouth as possible. What this does is prevent you from tasting most of the semen (especially since it shoots out during ejaculation at around 25-28 MPH). Again, just make sure that he gives you a heads-up. You don’t want to choke because you weren’t exactly…well, prepared.
3. Deep Throat It
GiphyAnyone who knows about Lil’ Kim (whose flow still rivals just about any and every female rapper in my opinion) and her lyrics can vouch for the fact that it’s rare when she’s not gonna find some kind of way to say “deep throat” at least once per song (LOL). For instance, I was listening to “Freaky Gurl” (featuring Ludacris and Lil' Kim) not too long ago, and yep — she talked about it. I’m thinking that most people know exactly what deep-throating is; however, just to be sure, it’s the act of taking as much of a man’s shaft into your mouth until it feels like it’s hitting the back of your throat; that way, you barely notice your partner’s ejaculate at all. Now, if you’ve got a gag reflex, the next tip is what will get you through it.
4. Tuck Your Thumb into Your Fist
GiphyDid you know that if you put your left thumb into your fist and then squeeze, it relaxes your throat? I’m dead serious. The method behind the madness is it hits the pressure point that helps to suppress your gag reflex. Might sound odd but hey — don’t knock it until you’ve tried it, chile. While we’re here, there are also throat-numbing sprays that will reduce the chances of you gagging, too. One is here. Another is here. And still, one more is here.
5. Become a Human Vacuum
GiphyThis one right here? I mean, the tip is exactly what it sounds like. The more passive you are about, umm, “receiving him,” means you will have more time where the ejaculate lingers in your mouth. On the flip side, the more intentional you are about sucking more during the time when he’s cumming, the faster it all comes out, the less you will taste anything. Oh, and LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING (and yes, I am totally yelling here!), it’s also the more you just got him to want you on a whole ‘nother level. Human vacuums change lives out here. Straight up.
6. Bring Flavored Lube into the Mix
GiphyBringing lubricant into your boudoir is beneficial on a myriad of levels (check out “The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant”). As far as giving oral sex goes, flavored lube is bomb because not only can it help your taste buds to focus on it more than semen, but if we’re gonna be real, the textures are quite similar — which, when you really stop to think about it, is proof that a lot about swallowing is all up in women’s heads because, who do you hear complain about putting lubricant in their mouth? And since the lube and semen are quite similar, if you have some lubricant in your mouth as you’re performing the act, it will make things super slippery, which is a win for him, and harder for you to detect the semen, which is a win for you.
7. Incorporate a Sex Condiment
GiphyAnd what if you’re someone who actually does loathe the taste and consistency of lube? How about incorporating what I call “sex condiments” (check out “12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”)? Honey. Frosting. Whipped Cream. Fruit Puree. These are just some of the things that, if you enjoy how they taste, they too can make swallowing so much more of a pleasant experience for you.
8. Keep Your Favorite Drink Beside You
GiphyBack in the day, when we had to take a medicine that we didn’t like, drinking something that we enjoyed right after helped to “wash it all down.” Along these same lines, if you’re only even merely considering swallowing in order to please your partner, keep a favorite drink on your nightstand to see how that works for you. It really will help to get the taste and texture out of your mouth rather quickly. Plus, you can look at it as a “reward” for doing an act that was so…selfless.
9. Go the “69” Route
GiphySometimes, all you need to do in order to become an expert swallower is incorporate a bit of distraction — and I’m not sure that anything tops the number (which is also a sex position) 69 when it comes to that. Listen, I wish I could find y’all the Instagram (they need to do better with their searches). I saw a few weeks ago where a sistah was talking about how she has absolutely no problem cooking at any time of the day or night for her partner. Why? “Why wouldn’t I make sure my eater eats? Are y’all dumb? It’s hard to find a good eater in these streets.” She ain’t neva lied. And when you’ve got someone who has you damn near losing your own mind — one, you want to please him back, and two, you’re usually too caught up to be focused on if he’s about to cum or not. Yeah, out of all of the hacks, this one reigns supreme. Get into that 69. Not sure how you could regret it. Him either.
10. Stop Overthinking It
GiphyTo be honest with y’all, whether you follow through on these hacks or not, nothing is going to seem like it helps if you’re constantly overthinking what the experience is going to be like. Just like overthinking, in general, causes anxiety and stress, makes it difficult for you to concentrate, results in you second-guessing your decisions, and can make you create problems that don’t actually exist — it can definitely manifest in those ways when it comes to performing and completing, fellatio. So why make things harder — no pun intended — than it has to be?
Make the decision. Stop thinking that it’s gonna be worse or more than it is. And enjoy the hacks and the experience. The more you do it, the easier it gets, and the more your man will appreciate you for it. Hands down — remember tongue down, too. #wink
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Featured image by Jack Wackerhausen/Getty Images