13 Books To Read For A Better Relationship With Yourself
There is no shame in needing a little bit of help – even if said help comes from the pages of a book. Nevertheless, so many self-help books – if you're looking in the wrong places – can be more hindering than helpful. The best self-help books these days thankfully come from experts in their field – journalist, psychologist, social scientists, career coaches, life coaches, and legitimate successful people who've been where you are.
Here are the 13 best self-help books you should read to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life, yourself:
Black Girl, You Can Do This by Brittni Kirkpatrick
"This book is written from my heart and soul to teach and guide the next generation in love, empowerment, and truth."
―Brittni Kirkpatrick, Black Girl, You Can Do This
In this manifesto of mindset liberation for young women, Brittni Kirkpatrick encourages the next generation to explore their ideas and values, find the meaning and truth within, and be true to themselves rather than fitting in with the crowd.
Black Girl, You Can Do This is a series of love letters from Kirkpatrick to her younger self, followed by the practical techniques that will help you cultivate the needed space for personal growth and development, love and healing, and empowerment to thrive in the power of your natural talents, skills, and abilities.
The Self-Love Experiment: 15 Principles for Becoming More Kind, Compassionate, and Accepting of Yourself
Amazon
"Your desire to change must be greater than your desire to stay the same."
― Shannon Kaiser, The Self-Love Experiment: Fifteen Principles for Becoming More Kind, Compassionate, and Accepting of Yourself
In TheSelf-Love Experiment, Shannon Kaiser encourages you to overcome your fears and put a stop to self-sabotage, so that you can gain the confidence you need to reach your goals and become your own biggest fan, best friend, and unwavering supporter.
The Self-Love Experiment rectifies the problem people face when they believe that they are not allowed to put themselves first or go after their own dreams out of fear of being selfish or sacrificing others' needs. No matter what you're going through, Kaiser walks you through her own personal experiment, a simple plan that compassionately guides you through the process of removing fear-based thoughts, so you can fall in love with your life.
milk and honey by Rupi Kaur
Amazon
"What's the greatest lesson a woman should learn? That since day one. She's already had everything she needs within herself. It's the world that convinced her she did not."
- Rupi Kaur, milk and honey
milk and honey is the experience of violence, abuse, love, loss, and femininity. Divided into four chapters, each chapter serves a different purpose, deals with a different pain, and heals a different heartache.
milk and honey "takes readers through a journey of the most bitter moments in life and finds sweetness in them because there is sweetness everywhere if you are just willing to look."
the sun and her flowers by Rupi Kaur
Amazon
"This is the recipe of life/ said my mother/ as she held me in her arms as i wept/ think of those flowers you plant/ in the garden each year/ they teach you/ that people too/ must wilt/ fall/ root/ rise/ in order to bloom."
- Rupi Kaur, the sun and her flowers
Unlike milk and honey, the sun and her flowers talks about the experience of growth, healing, ancestry, and honoring one's roots. Divided into five chapters and illustrated by Kaur, the sun and her flowers is a journey of wilting, falling, rooting, rising, and blooming. A celebration of love in all its forms.
the sun and her flowers reflects souls who rise above the barricades that incumber their growth. It is a passage between decay, awakening, and healing; and it is a passage that has the capacity to truly mend and heal broken hearts stuck in darkness and despair.
the sun and her flowers beautifully discusses "expatriation and rising up to find a home within yourself."
The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz
Amazon
"And what is the right woman, the right man? Someone who wants to go in the same direction as you do, someone who is compatible with your views and your values ― emotionally, physically, economically, spiritually."
― Don Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery of Love
In The Mastery of Love, Don Miguel sheds light on deep-seated fear-based beliefs and assumptions that cripple love and lead to suffering and drama in relationships. Utilizing perspicacious anecdotes to bring his message to life, he shows us how to heal our emotional wounds, reclaim our freedom and joy, and reestablish the spirit of playfulness that is essential to healthy, loving relationships. Using teachings from the three Toltec Masteries — Awareness, Transformation, and Love — as groundwork, Don Miguel illuminates the misconceptions and erroneous expectations about love that pervade most relationships.
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
Amazon
"You express your own divinity by being alive and by loving yourself and others."
― Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements
In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel argues that everything we do is found on agreements we have made with ourselves, with other people, with God, and with life itself. Out of these agreements, the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. In these agreements, we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, and what is impossible. One single agreement is not such a problem, but we have many agreements that come from fear, deplete our energy, and diminish our self-worth. With The Four Agreements, bestselling author Don Miguel Ruiz reveals the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and creates unnecessary suffering. The Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can quickly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and, ultimately, love.
sunny. by Gabrielle Hickmon
via Permission To Write
"When was the last time you let yourself feel everything?/ Gave yourself over to the love,/ the fear,/ the soul of it all?"
-- Gabrielle Hickmon, sunny.
As a collection of poetry dedicated "to everyone, but especially the girls everywhere — chasing the sun," sunny. is a poignantly familiar place for you to spend your afternoon. With poetry and prose about the ins and outs, ups and downs, and twists and turns of life and love, sunny. is rooted in the notion that "everything is a piece of a poem, if you're paying attention." Exploring the ideas of self-love, what happens when a relationship falls apart, and how love finds us in even the ostensibly minuscule details of life alone or with someone else, Hickmon, showcases the struggles of being vulnerable and effortlessly loving oneself, seamlessly.
This collection of poetry is reminiscent of poets before her, such as Rupi Kaur and Amanda Lovelace, with more of that refreshingly raw and gritty edge one could expect from such a book.
The Wisdom of Sundays by Oprah Winfrey (and Guests)
Amazon
"All of us are seeking the same thing. We share the desire to fulfill the highest, truest expression of ourselves as human beings."
― Oprah Winfrey, The Wisdom of Sundays: Life-Changing Insights from Super Soul Conversations
The Wisdom of Sundays features insightful selections from the most meaningful conversations between Oprah Winfrey and some of today's most admired thought leaders. Organized into ten chapters — each one representing a powerful step in Oprah's own spiritual journey and introduced with a personal essay by Oprah herself — the moments of inspiration that have enlightened millions are collected and held within this stunning, treasurable, and deeply-affecting book.
Paired with beautiful photographs, including many from Oprah's private property in California, The Wisdom of Sundays promises to be a timeless memento that will help readers awaken to life's astounding potentials and discover a deeper connection to the natural world around them.
You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living An Awesome Life by Jen Sincero
"If you're serious about changing your life, you'll find a way. If you're not, you'll find an excuse."
― Jen Sincero, You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life
You Are a Badass is the self-help book for people who gravely want to improve their lives, but don't want to go broke doing so. In this invigoratingly entertaining how-to guide, Jen Sincero — world-traveling success coach — offers humorously inspiring stories, sagacious advice, and easy exercises, helping you to: Identify and change the self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviors that stop you from getting what you want; to ultimately create a life you can be incandescently in love with.
You Are A Badass lets you create the life you want not tomorrow, not the next day, and not in a month, but now. By the end of the book, you'll understand why you are the way that you are, how to love what you cannot change, how to change what you don't love, and how to use everything else to kick some serious ass. You Are A Badass makes you feel…well, like you're a badass. The baddest of them all to be exact.
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown
"Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It's a shield. It's a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from flight."
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
With living in the age of social media, each day we face a bombardment of images and messages from society and the media telling us who, what, and how we should be. In doing so, we are led to believe that if we could only look perfect and lead perfect lives, then we would no longer feel inadequate. We would no longer feel incomplete. So, most of us perform, please, and perfect instead of living as our true, authentic selves.
In The Gift of Imperfection, Brené Brown — a leading expert on shame, authenticity, and belonging — shares what she has acquired from a decade of research on the power of Wholehearted Living; and teaches her readers how to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. Using ten guideposts, Brown engages your mind, heart, and spirit while she explores how you can cultivate the courage, compassion and connection to wake up in the morning and think I am enough.
UnFu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life by Gary John Bishop
Amazon
"Wake up to the miracle you are. Here's what you've forgotten: You're a fu*king miracle of being."
- Gary John Bishop, UnFu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life
In this straightforward handbook, Gary John Bishop gives you the tools and perceptive guidance you'll need to demolish your woes weighing you down, so that you can become the truly unfu*ked version of yourself. Through a series of seven assertions, Unfu*k Yourself encourages you to believe that you are: willing, wired to win, unstoppable, capable of embracing uncertainty, not your thoughts, what you do, expectant of nothing and acceptant of everything.
Unfu*k Yourself illuminates the idea that "it isn't other people that are standing in your way, it isn't even your circumstances that are blocking your ability to thrive, it's yourself and the negative self-talk you keep telling yourself." If you're tired of feeling fu*ked up, Unfu*k Yourself does a marvelous job of showing you that you can truly lead the life you were meant to have. All you have to do is get out of your own head and out of your own way.
Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun, and Be Your Own Person by Shonda Rhimes
Simon & Schuster
"There is no list of rules. There is one rule. The rule is: there are no rules. Happiness comes from living as you need to, as you want to. As your inner voice tells you to. Happiness comes from being who you actually are instead of who you think you are supposed to be. Being traditional is not traditional anymore. It's funny that we still think of it that way. Normalize your lives, people. You don't want a baby? Don't have one. I don't want to get married? I won't. You want to live alone? Enjoy it. You want to love someone? Love someone. Don't apologize. Don't explain. Don't ever feel less than. When you feel the need to apologize or explain who you are, it means the voice in your head is telling you the wrong story. Wipe the slate clean. And rewrite it. No fairy tales. Be your own narrator. And go for a happy ending. One foot in front of the other. You will make it."
― Shonda Rhimes, Year of Yes
Before her Year of Yes, Shonda Rhimes was an expert at declining invitations others would leap to accept. With three children at home and three hit television shows on TV, it was easy to say that she was simply too busy. But in truth, she was also afraid. Afraid of cocktail party faux pas like chucking a chicken bone across a room; petrified of live television appearances where she could trip and fall and bleed out right there in front of a live studio audience; terrified of the difficult conversations that came so easily to her characters on-screen.
Then, on Thanksgiving 2013, Shonda's sister muttered something that was both a wake up call and a call to arms: You never say yes to anything.
Afterwards, Shonda knew she had to embrace the challenge: for one year, she would say YES to everything that scared her. In Year of Yes, Shonda Rhimes hilariously, emotionally, and candidly shares anecdotes and her solution to overcome your fears. This book is a genuine and rousing account of saying yes to life. After reading this novel, you will feel like you are limitless and that you are only one word away from your life-changing moment. When in doubt, step back, assess the situation, and without hindrance, say "yes."
Be Unapologetically You: A Self Love Guide for Women of Color by Adeline Bird
Adeline Bird
"As a woman of color, you think you are at the bottom of the pile but your position is unique and your differences are not your weakness, they are your strength. Once you own that, you can be unstoppable."
– Adeline Bird, Be Unapologetically You: A Self Love Guide for Women of Color
In Be Unapologetically You, Adeline Bird teaches that self-love is a journey that starts with forgiveness and acceptance of what is. Only after you have forgiven yourself and accepted that whatever happened happened, can you start your soulful revolution, where you stop judging yourself and start celebrating yourself instead.
In hopes that you become self-aware, Bird encourages her readers to learn what is important to them and then she forces them to decide what kind of behavior they are prepared to accept from themselves and from others. Loving yourself is non-negotiable, and with the help of Bird, she teaches you that although loving yourself is hard, takes courage and commitment, you are blessed with the creative genius to shape your own world. All you have to do is reach out and grab it with both hands.
Once you've found and cultivated a better relationship with yourself, with the help of these novels, come on back and let us know which one helped you the most.
Featured image by Getty Images.
Originally published on February 2, 2019
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Taysha Robinson is a writer and high school English teacher, based in metro-Atlanta. A self described philomath, you can find her reading books and articles of every genre, attending educational conferences, and hiking wherever the terrain will allow.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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“You’re shaming the ancestors by being ashamed of your hair.”
Intimidating words from a natural hair influencer I scrolled past on Instagram. They’re also a thought process I fully believed well into my late 20s – or so I thought.
My early years at Howard University didn’t agree with my lifestyle. My hair was big, but fine. Long, but not flexible. Workable, yet disobedient. Aside from not having time to bargain with mischievous curls ahead of 8 a.m. classes, the peer pressure was on another level. Howard girls have been known to carry themselves in the best-polished light. We’re changemakers in society, but trendsetters on the regular. It’s a vain, materialistic truth that I’m not ashamed to be proud of. So I questioned, who was I to contradict a century-long stereotype?
Natural hair after keratin treatment Courtesy
For years, I fought against getting a perm. Health concerns aside, it just felt categorically “anti-Black.” On the other hand, I was completely over my 4B hair and the disrespect it came with: constant frizz, never behaving, and never blending with my sew-ins. My frustration became a gateway into damaging habits. For a time, I got sew-ins and resorted to perming my leave out just to avoid the hassle. It was desperate (and embarrassing), but had to be done in order to withhold what an HU woman represented.
Moving to Los Angeles birthed an even more empowered version of myself. If you’ve ever been a Black woman living in LA, you know the standard of beauty is very monolithic. Ironically, the shared resentment we have from being mistreated based on misogyny is also what bonds us. Sometimes, it feels like wearing our type 4 hair loud and proud is a boisterous “F you” to society. Unfortunately, that pride comes with a lot of responsibility.
Keratin treatment
Courtesy
Black women have an unspoken duty to love themselves no matter what. We side-eye women who wear colored contacts. We categorize women who get BBLs. And people with nose jobs or Botox? Straight to jail. It felt impossible to find a safe place to be vulnerable about any of my physical insecurities. Let’s be real. How can you picture something nicknamed “creamy crack” being socially acceptable? Many will say, “it’s just hair.”
But the conversation is bigger than that. Admitting I didn’t like one of the most obvious things that connected me to my culture was a painful reality to accept. I wasn’t allowed to feel or complain about it. I definitely wasn’t allowed to change it because I’d be “giving into the patriarchy’s standard of beauty,” meaning I didn’t love myself. So I forced myself to suffer through self-consciousness, afraid of displeasing MY people. That was until I heard about keratin treatments.
Applying keratin treatment
Courtesy
Keratin treatments hit the scene in a very dramatic way. Primarily by people warning consumers about the risks that come with it. Many people don’t acknowledge that keratin is a protein that the body produces naturally. The treatment uses a keratin-based product that produces straighter and/or smoother hair (results vary depending on thickness and length). The formula typically has little to no smell, and rather than getting washed out, like the perming process, it’s sealed in with heat using a blowdryer, followed by several passes with a flat iron.
Call it fate (or TikTok’s algorithm), but the hysteria around it was too intriguing to ignore. A treatment that reduces frizz, adds shine, and can loosen curls with reduced breakage as the cherry on top? It sounded like the hair gods were finally listening. I had to get one.
Monica Jones of Beauty by Monica took me into her chair and under her wing. Though she educated me on the misconceptions behind keratin treatments and brought awareness to formaldehyde chemicals, my only thoughts were, is this actually going to work for me? Is this cheating? Can I still call myself a natural hair girly? Then it hit me. Does any of that really matter?
Hair washed after applying keratin treatment
Courtesy
My hair is mine to do whatever I choose to do with it. Every crown is unique; no one’s is one size fits all. After the first keratin treatment, my confidence blossomed. Yes, partly because my curls were visibly a level looser and allowed more versatile styles. But also because I evolved as a woman. Every relationship changes as we grow, whether for better or worse. I choose to take control of my relationships including the one with my hair. We got to re-introduce ourselves to each other, allowing a clean slate with more patience and compromise.
I threw away the outside noise that made me question my blackness. Embracing my natural hair was considered “living in my truth,” but ironically, that wasn’t the case for me. I was lying to myself and did more harm mentally with the pressures I adopted. We already face challenges day-to-day that are out of our control. We need to be open-minded to people with basically no "c" hair getting braids because “Black people can’t own a hairstyle.” We have to support non-Black women getting surgery to create the physical attributes Black women naturally have and were once called “ugly” for. We’re to be understanding of people getting spray tans cosplaying as mixed race to be racially ambiguous.
Post Keratin treatment
Courtesy
Meanwhile, dark-skinned women are still getting blocked from certain nightclubs. For some reason, it’s socially acceptable for other ethnicities to not “live in their truth,” but not Black people. The short end of the stick is constantly handed to us by others with the expectation of just being grateful for an opportunity, acknowledgment, etc. If no one’s going to give us grace, we must grant it to ourselves.
There’s nothing shameful about wanting to change something about ourselves, whether it’s internal or external. Black women are the strongest people on this Earth. And while strength is found in acceptance, it also lives in vulnerability and our unapologetic pursuit of pleasing ourselves before anyone else.
Post Keratin treatment
Courtesy
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Feature image courtesy