10 Married Couples Share The Keys To Their Totally Off-The-Chain Sex Life
It's kind of funny—in an ironic sort of way—that this article is coming right on the heels of us publishing some pearls of wisdom that Niecy Nash shared in a recent Essence feature. If you didn't catch our write-up on it, the title basically says it all: "Niecy Nash Says 'A BJ A Day Keeps The Divorce Lawyers Away' & We Believe You Sis".
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If you think that Niecy is just "being Niecy" (because she's always pretty candid about her marriage which is something that I personally adore about her), I'll just say that I've had many a husband and wife co-sign on that very sentiment. Husbands have told me that morning sex that consists of fellatio is not only a big-time stress reliever, it also makes them think about their wife and her dopeness all throughout the day. And the wives? They say that everything about communicating with their man is easier to do—from kids to bills to them wanting to buy something that may not exactly be in the budget—once a BJ has been had. Well, given.
But here's the thing about all of this. I must admit that oftentimes, when the topic of marital coitus comes up, it does seem like the focus is placed on pleasing the man. Hmph. Like we as women don't have needs. Double hmph. Like a lot of wives don't have stronger libidos than their hubbies.
This sentiment was clearly expressed in the Facebook comments that popped up underneath our Niecy Nash post. Here are just a handful:
Sarai Pa: I feel this stuff can be fine and dandy and work but I wished there were more articles that talked about doing things for BOTH partners to help make a marriage work…I just want things to be equal and less one sided type of things.
Jay Millz: But I mean.... what about eating out a day too. Eating out a day can also keep the divorce away. What I'm saying is it should be 100/100 . If your spouse if you're not receiving the same effort from your spouse as much as you given to them, then what's the point of being with someone?
Kara Gershon: Wrong I have been married 12 years. I don't.
Victoria Pulley: So he ain't got to do nothing? She just suck his d*ck and boom successful marriage? Girl bye. It's a give and take.
Joy D. Byrd-Taylor: It goes both ways and we're real good over here.
Personally, one of my favorite comments was by Lisa-Renee Halliburton: "Well Damn reading these comments does anyone just want to please your spouse?? Of course, It's not only about him however.... you should want to cater to his every need and vice versa or someone else will with no Problem!" Right. And amen.
Since we peeped how passionate so many of you are about making sure that there was a level playing field on this particular topic, we figured that today was a perfect time to share what some couples—husbands and wives—have told me keeps it on-and-poppin' in their bedroom (oh, and because everyone agreed to be so forthcoming, their names have been changed for courtesy's sake; some did ask if they could pick the names, though. I wonder if they're pet names. Hmm.).
Ready?
Eric and Evelyn. Married for Three Years. Have Sex About Twice a Week.
Eric: "I promise you, I don't know when my wife finds the time, but she's always coming up with something new—a new position, a new toy…something. I can't speak for all men, but I'll say for myself that it's a gross assumption that we get bored easily and want a new woman. We do get bored, but it's from doing the same thing, the same way, all of the time. If a woman has a creative mind, she can keep a man monogamous. Mine does."
Evelyn: "My husband is the best kisser. Everywhere. That's all I have to say. But isn't that enough?"
Marcus and Jasmine. Married for 10 Years. Have Sex About Three Times a Week.
Marcus: "I think what keeps our sex life so good is that I'm not the one who has to initiate all of the time. Men want to feel wanted just as much as women do. Real talk, sometimes I have to spend extra time in the gym to keep up with my wife's drive. I love that about her, though.
Jasmine: "My husband wants me to cum. A LOT. If I haven't had at least three orgasms, he doesn't feel like his job is done. A man like that will keep you coming back for more…for the rest of your life, in my book."
Michael and Rachel. Married Six Months. Have Sex Once a Week.
Michael: "Let me just put it on out there that the reason why we're newlyweds who only have sex once a week is because of our work schedules. Well, that and the fact that we're not fans of quickies. If it's not gonna last for a few hours, why do it? And my wife? That dirty mouth of hers alone is worth not rushing. It's funny because she doesn't even curse in real life. But behind closed doors, I've never seen anything like it. S—t."
Rachel: "I've been with selfish men before. The kind of guys who would wink at themselves in the mirror while they're doing you if one was around. My husband treats me like a full-course meal. He takes forever on my neck, forever on my breasts. My mama told me not to tell other women the specifics about your man, so I won't even get into what he can do with a clit. I ain't goin' nowhere. There's absolutely no need."
Anthony and Cynthia. Married for 13 Years. Have Sex Every Day.
Anthony: "I think it's funny whenever people think that we're exaggerating about having sex every day. You eat every day. You might work out every day. You probably sit in front of the TV every day. What's the big deal? We make time for what matters, and my wife and I look forward to connecting that way. Sometimes it's for 10 minutes. Sometimes it's three or four rounds. It's our quality time and what I love most is I never get tired of her. She's my masterpiece."
Cynthia: "My girlfriends ask me if I'm always in the mood to do it all of the time. The short answer is 'yes'. Remember in the movie Love Jones when Nia Long's character said that his dick talked to her? Girl, when your man has something good to say, you're always in the mood to listen."
Quinton and Allison. Married 16 Years. Have Sex a Few Times a Month.
Quinton: "I'm glad you're not using our real names in this, because we're the couple who doesn't have more sex because of my libido, not hers. It's not that I don't desire my wife. It's that I take medication for my blood pressure. Anyone who does knows what that can do. But what it has caused us to do is become foreplay experts. When I was single, foreplay didn't matter much. Now, it's something that I really look forward to."
Allison: "My husband and I had sex before marriage. His stroke was mean back then, but I felt really disconnected; like he was having sex with himself more than with me. I'd like to have more intercourse, but his mastering how to kiss my breasts and go down on me makes it worth it. It's not like we're not working to get him off of his meds, so I can only imagine what's in store. We're married. I can wait."
Chris and Donna. Married 11 Years. Have Sex Twice a Week.
Chris: "I read the Niecy interview. I'll just add that it's not the blow job that's effective; it's a good one. We don't want obligatory head. But a woman who acts like it's her favorite thing ever and sounds like she's gonna cum harder than you before it's over? That is the kind of head that is unforgettable. That right there is my wife. She's mad me cry and I'm a true groupie. I'm not ashamed to say it either!"
Donna: "My husband is a freak. He likes to go down just because, and he's everywhere down there. But what I really like about him is the five words that he says, almost every time, before we get started—'How can I please you?' So many men assume that if they've got a big dick or even that they can make us orgasm that that should be enough. One night, I might be in the mood for romantic missionary while another, all I might want is for him to eat me. A good lover doesn't tell you what you should want, they want to cater to you. My husband is the best lover I've ever had. 100."
David and Monica. Married 20 Years. Have Sex Every Day.
David: "When you've been married as long as I have, you qualify different things as 'having sex'. Do we have full-on intercourse every time? No. But I'm going to get head or she's gonna get it. I may wake her up with a nipplegasm or she might give me a hand job if we're riding in together to work. 20 years in, you want to make sure your spouse is satisfied, even if you don't need anything at the time. The sooner you young folks learn that, the better."
Monica: "Wow. This is awkward. Our names are changed, right? OK. My man is passionate. My man is unselfish. My man makes love to me like he's grateful for the opportunity. He is present. I know they say that all married people are tempted to cheat at some point, but I've never considered it since I've been married. When you get a partner who is, I think 'aggressive' is the right word, about your every need, you just don't think about stepping out. I know I don't."
Greg and LaToya. Married 10 Years. Have Sex 3-4 Times a Week.
Greg: "My baby and I were virgins when we got married. 10 years later, I think what makes the sex so good is because we've been working with a blank slate. To me, she's the best ever because I don't have anyone else to compare her to. I also like that we were virgins because we could customize our likes. We aren't trying to get the other to be like someone else. Even now, we're just taking our time to explore and when we find a new 'favorite', that makes the sex even better."
LaToya: "We were abstinent for religious reasons, but we don't have the church anywhere in our bedroom! Have you read the Scripture about a man drinking from his cistern? (Proverbs 5:15) That is an almost daily practice in our home. Amen."
Justin and Cheryl. Married 13 Years. Have Sex Once a Week.
Justin: "Y'all can call it weird or whatever but this is my marriage and it works. When my wife and I were still dating, we asked each other about our best—our best sex, our best oral, stuff like that. Then we asked what made it that way. No general s—t; details. Then we worked through how to top those individuals. And we have. Folks are only insecure about each other's sexual past when they don't think they measure up. You can easily fix that by having open discussions about what you liked and even miss about your past."
Cheryl: "My husband is competitive. Not just when it comes to my past sex life, but with himself. That's sexy to me because he's like, 'If you thought last night was good, wait and see what I come up with next time!' He is never satisfied with my satisfaction. What I mean is he always wants to exceed himself. I never know what to expect and I really like that."
William and Anastasia. Married Four Years. Have Sex 1-3 Times a Week.
William: "My wife is animalistic. She really is. Sometimes, I can't even get all the way in the door without her wanting to get it on right there. I'm glad that I'm getting to share this—and that she's letting me—because it's a poor assumption that all women are docile or passive. Sometimes, I feel a little emasculated because she's hard to keep up with. But what I love about that is she always wants me, she never gets tired of me. That does wonders for how I feel about myself as a man. As her man."
Anastasia: "I'm not sure if I've ever told my husband this before, but I will now. I do have a high sex drive, I always have. And I do tend to be the aggressor. But what makes me jump him all of the time is because I have never been treated so well. I honestly can't think of one need that has gone unmet since I agreed to marry him; not just monetarily but emotionally. He truly takes care of me…and since he does it every day, I basically want to f—k him every day. I don't know what else to tell you." #whew
There you have it, y'all. Straight from the mouth of married folks.
Personally, what I think is cool about all of these responses is it's a reminder that there is no "one right way" to have sex or please your partner—that a part of the fun of being a committed couple is figuring out what works for you.
As far as Niecy's stance, I honestly can't see how any man would want to turn down a daily BJ. But, I also think that a good husband can't feel right about himself if he's not tryin' to get his wife right too.
If I were on social media, that would've been my comment yesterday. I would've said that, as these husbands and wives shared, it's mutual pleasure that (hopefully) keeps the divorce lawyers away. And who can argue with that?
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important
Maintenance Sex Could Be The Key To A Successful Marriage
10 Sex Resolutions Every Married Couple Should Make
Who Knew Oral Sex Has An Official Time Limit?
Feature image by Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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'Love Is Blind' Star AD Smith Shows Us That The Journey To Self-Worth Is Ongoing And She Shouldn't Be Criticized For It
This season of Love Is Blind was undeniably a rollercoaster ride of emotions. From intricate love triangles to deeply rooted attachment issues, it offered viewers a compelling glimpse into the complexities of modern relationships.
Yet, amidst the drama and romance, I think it serves as a poignant reminder of how we can possess a keen awareness of our relationship patterns; we can even find ourselves in therapy for years yet find ourselves repeatedly entangled in the same destructive cycles. Without the necessary tools and strategies to dismantle old habits and embrace healthier alternatives, we are destined to remain ensnared in a cycle of repetition and stagnation.
Amber Desiree “AD” Smith was left shocked and confused at the altar when her fiancé, Clay Gravesande, ultimately decided not to go through with the wedding ceremony. His actions throughout the season consistently indicated hesitancy towards commitment despite initially expressing readiness for a long-term relationship when he and AD first connected in the pods.
Throughout the season, Clay's journey revealed layers of immaturity stemming from childhood wounds caused by generational trauma, along with a clear unpreparedness for a healthy relationship. His relationship with AD began on shaky ground when he hesitated to commit without knowing her appearance first.
@netflix.reality.clips Clay and AD in the pods #clayloveisblind #ADloveisblind #loveisblindseason6 #libs6 #dating show
Despite AD's initial surprise, she decided to give Clay a chance, continuing their relationship. However, this initial compromise led to recurring issues, such as Clay's insensitive comments about potential weight gain and his insistence that AD join a gym if she were to gain weight in the future.
Despite these challenges, Clay and AD left the pods engaged with a road ahead of them of ongoing struggles in the real world. Clay and AD's relationship seemed shallow, mainly revolving around superficial interactions reminiscent of casual social media banter. Clay's fixation on physical appearance and fear of commitment clashed with AD's idealized vision of their relationship, blinding her from facing the reality of who Clay truly was.
Clay often centered conversations around himself, indicating a deep need for validation, which AD eagerly provided. From my point of view, this mutual reinforcement bolstered Clay's ego while fulfilling AD's need for validation in return.
Throughout season 6, Clay grappled with committing to a single partner, influenced by his upbringing witnessing his father's multiple relationships and extramarital affairs. The absence of healthy marriage examples shaped his perception of relationships. Despite these challenges, AD remained steadfast in her support, demonstrating a willingness to confront and overcome obstacles with Clay, given her upbringing in a household where her father was absent, an attachment wound that she has gained awareness about in therapy.
In the season finale, AD's excitement turned to confusion when Clay unexpectedly responded with "I don't" after her "I do." Clay's decision wasn't about AD's worth but stemmed from his own lack of emotional maturity and focus on superficial traits like physical appearance and achievement.
@stephmoneymonster Justice for AD #loveisblind #loveisblindseason6 #fpy #viralvideo #foryoupage #single #dating
Despite Clay's repeated expressions of self-doubt throughout the season, AD was visibly taken aback, holding onto the hope that he would change. AD's desire to be with Clay overshadowed her ability to discern if he was the right guy for her. Throughout the season, she found herself caught up in a fantasy of who she wanted Clay to be and the idea of being married to him. Clay's repeated statements about how AD made him a better man and how he wanted to change for her likely boosted her ego.
Many of us can relate to AD's struggle; grappling with feelings of unworthiness due to childhood trauma and abandonment often traps us in cycles that reinforce our deepest fears.
At the altar, AD was left devastated, questioning her worthiness and desirability. However, it’s not that AD isn’t worthy; she’s just stuck in a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable partners, reminiscent of her father. Though she desires a different outcome, she finds herself unable to connect with a man who is emotionally present, reflecting her own emotional unavailability.
In our society, there's a common expectation for women to take on the role of nurturing and guiding men, often justified by the belief that “boys will be boys.” Like most women, AD frequently excuses Clay's behavior and does much of the emotional work in their relationship.
Deep down, AD likely felt the need to show unwavering support to Clay, hoping to secure his commitment by accommodating his flaws. For AD, love has become synonymous with earning someone's affection, a belief she reinforced by investing her heart in Clay, hoping to prove her worth to him. Yet, in doing so, she unwittingly perpetuated her own cycle of dysfunction.
AD's journey highlights the importance of being discerning in relationships, distinguishing between genuine compatibility, and settling for something less (the "right" from the "kinda sorta right"). Unfortunately, she lacked the tools to see Clay clearly, especially when dealing with her own attachment issues. Relying solely on physical attraction can be risky, as it often leads to repeating old patterns, with judgment clouded by the intensity of emotions.
Netflix Love Is Blind season 6 Clay and AD/ Screenshot
Engaging in inner work through therapy is undoubtedly a crucial step toward personal growth and healing, but it doesn’t fix us. It provides us with the opportunity to delve into our past traumas, confront deep-seated insecurities, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. However, despite the insights gained and the progress made within the therapeutic setting, applying this newfound self-awareness to real-life situations, especially in the realm of romantic relationships, can be challenging.
For someone like AD, the journey towards self-discovery is ongoing. I love the way Yung Pueblo puts it: “If the pain was deep, you will have to let it go many times.” While therapy equips her with valuable tools for introspection and self-reflection, it doesn't necessarily guarantee an immediate transformation in her dating behavior or decision-making process because she needs to grieve what she didn’t get from her father and create a new identity for herself.
One of the biggest reasons for this disparity between inner work and practical application lies in the complexity of human emotions and behavior.
Despite understanding the root causes of her attachment issues, AD found herself still drawn to partners who perpetuate these dynamics. This phenomenon often occurs because our emotional responses are deeply ingrained and may override rational thought processes, particularly when it pertains to matters of the heart.
'Love Is Blind' Season 6 Finale AD and Clay's Wedding/ Screenshot
Furthermore, the dynamics of therapy sessions differ vastly from real-life interactions and relationships. In therapy, individuals are in a controlled environment where they can explore their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment. However, the unpredictability and vulnerability inherent in dating can trigger old wounds and defense mechanisms, making it challenging to maintain the same level of self-awareness and emotional regulation.
Moreover, societal expectations and cultural norms can exert significant pressure on individuals like AD, influencing their perceptions of what constitutes a successful relationship. The desire for validation, societal approval, or the fear of being alone may cloud judgment and lead to compromising on core values or overlooking red flags.
So, how can we bridge the gap between inner work and practical application in our own dating lives?
Firstly, it's essential to acknowledge that growth is a gradual process and setbacks are inevitable. Instead of expecting instant results, we can practice self-compassion and patience while holding ourselves accountable.
Additionally, we can also work on slowing down, setting boundaries, and practicing assertiveness in our interactions with potential partners. Start getting to know people from the inside out. Not just by what they say but by what they do. These two things should always walk hand in hand.
By clearly communicating our needs and values and slowing down on physical intimacy, we can better discern whether a relationship aligns with our values.
Furthermore, seeking support from wise counsel (trusted friends and family), mentors, or even continuing therapy BEFORE things get too serious can provide us with additional perspectives and guidance as we navigate the dating landscape. Having a support network can offer reassurance and validation while also providing accountability in making healthy choices.
Lastly, by staying attuned to our emotions and paying attention to what our intuition is saying, we can make more informed decisions and avoid falling into familiar traps.
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Feature image Netflix Love Is Blind Season 6/ Screenshot