8 Ways You Can Tell He Is The One
As a married woman, people often ask me, “How did you know he was 'the one'?" or “How will I know if he's the one?" Whether it's love at first sight, a sign, or simply a friendship that develops into something greater, everyone has their theory about how to know if the person is truly "the one."
Discerning between a temporary guy and the man you're destined to spend the rest of your life with isn't about finding the perfect person because that's impossible; rather, it's about being with the right person at the right time. I'm not perfect, my husband isn't perfect, and our relationship isn't perfect, but we're perfect for each other.
Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord." Interestingly enough, my husband and I met in the club. Yes, we found love in the club!
Mind you, it doesn't always happen that way and some will say that's not possible but it worked out for us. Even though I didn't realize it at the moment, my husband literally found me when we first met. He spotted me through the crowd and made his way over to me.
It wasn't love at first sight or anything, but because of where I was in my life at that time - single, satisfied and finally content with my single status - I was finally at a comfortable place...mind, body and soul. Yes, I was still hesitant at first, but what I learned most at that time was to trust God's timing and not my own.
[Tweet "Who we are today influences who we will spend the rest of our lives with tomorrow."]
Had I met him a few years prior to that, I wouldn't have been prepared mentally, physically or spiritually - and the same was true for him.
So, how did I know he was the one?
Quite frankly, I personally don't believe there's a single, “silver bullet" when it comes to true love or when it comes to finding the right guy or vice versa. I think it happens differently for everyone, and all of us have our own experiences. It's less about how did I know and more about what was different.
Although the list isn't necessarily inclusive of everything, it provides a glimpse and a few hints, based on my personal experiences and the experiences of some of my other married friends.
1. His actions will speak louder than his words.
If there's one thing I've learned along the way about love it's that a man's actions will speak much louder than his words. During my single years, there were times when I was left heartbroken and confused because a man's words didn't align with his actions. Nevertheless, I continued to give them my all and allowed certain things to happen (lies, cheating, etc.) even though the signs were clear and it was obvious he didn't want to be with me (side note: don't ignore the signs. Green means go. Yellow means caution. Red means stop).
I can recall a long time ago when I literally drove to one of my ex's places in the late hour, begging and pleading with him because I couldn't understand why he was ignoring me and talking to other girls. The proof was in the pudding, as they say, but obviously, I wanted jello. On the flip side; however, I'll never forget when my husband and I started dating and he told me he was going to come see me every month. I didn't believe him because he was going to be nine hours away in a totally different city. But sure enough, he made that long drive at least monthly and sometimes a few times a month. This was just one of the early signs that helped me realize he could very well be the one. Hence, now I know there is no greater sign of a man who is truly in love than a man whose words are supported by his actions. He's like a walking billboard for a Nike ad because when it comes to love his motto seems to be, “Just do it."
2. You won't have to force him to be with you.
Because of my own issues within, I used to try and force so many things. Ironically, however, when we first started dating, my husband Eric pursued me persistently before I officially became his girlfriend. I wasn't trying to be exclusive with him until he worked out his lingering "situations," especially since I knew he was going to be living in a different city temporarily for school. I was in my twenties, just moved to a new city and I was "single and ready to mingle." However, he did what he needed to do to convince me, and I didn't have to beg him to be with me. I like the quote that says, “You never have to chase what wants to stay." Simply put, if a man wants to be with you, he'll be with you.
3. Your bad habits will be replaced with good habits and old emotions replaced with new ones.
Sometimes when you're so used to things being a certain way - constantly arguing, never-ending drama - you think that's how it's supposed to be. But when it's the real thing, you quickly realize what you've been missing all along. What used to always feel like constant drama will start to feel like a dream. My tears were replaced with tenderness. My anger and bitterness were replaced with happiness. My worry was replaced with trust. I didn't have to worry about what he was doing and where he was going. I realized good men aren't bad habits. They should bring out the best in you, not the worst.
4. You will be able to look back at your past relationships as a stepping stone for your new one.
Better yet, you may not have to look back at all, only to reflect and thank God for helping you to find the "good in the goodbye." I realized my past was merely rehearsal for the present. I like to say my husband loves the hell out of me in that he loves me so much that it's as if all of the hell I experienced in the past was pushed out and replaced with his love. Believe me, it's possible to replace your fear of hurt with faith in love.
5. You won't have to worry about competing for the number one spot because you will be the only one.
Like Andre 3000 said,
"So, I typed a text to a girl I used to see - Sayin that I chose this cutie pie with whom I wanna be - And I apologize if this message gets you down - Then I CC'd every girl that I'd see see round town - And I hate to see y'all frown, but I'd rather see her smiling."
That's pretty much how it went down when we were dating. Unbeknownst to me at the time, when Eric knew he was ready to be exclusive with just me he literally sent a text around letting them know. I refused to settle for being the "sidepiece" when I knew I deserved better.
6. You will experience or remember what it feels like to be loved.
There's something about real love that makes you remember, or for the very first time know, what it feels like to love and be loved. Call me "old school," but dating my husband was practically the first time in my life I knew what it felt like to be treated like a lady by a gentleman. For a moment (or rather a few seasons), I forgot what courting and romance looked like. I forgot how nice it was to receive a hand-written poem versus just a text, but Eric reminded me very quickly. Even still today, he opens my doors for me, pulls out my chair, and treats me like I've never been treated before.
It's easy to think you might've really liked someone, but it's euphoric to know you love someone and they love you back.
7. You won't have to be someone you're not because he'll accept you for who you are.
I can be quite a character at times, especially since between the both of us I'm more of the free spirit, creative one, while my husband is more of the "Type A" personality. The good thing is we balance each other and he doesn't try to force me to be anything else other than my crazy (in a good way), emotional, driven, extroverted, "trying to do too much" self.
8. You won't have to question it.
It's kind of like the process of searching for a home or even a wedding dress, they always say, "When it's the one, you'll just know." God blessed us with female intuition and we know when something doesn't feel right and isn't right or when something feels good and it is good. For me, it's unlike anything else I've ever experienced in my life. Even during the highs and lows of our relationship, it's like a breath of fresh air. Whether we're relaxing at home and acting silly, talking or when he's wiping my tears because I'm emotional or when he's taking care of me because I'm sick, I can feel the love. As the dear and wise Maya Angelou once said, “One thing love is not is unsure."
When I sat down to write my vows, I mentioned how at one time in my life I had given up on love and how he made me believe in love again. Despite all of the craziness in our society, what we see on TV, the gossip and rumors we hear, and even the "thirsty chicks," I still believe good men do exist.
Even after reading this, some of you may still find yourselves wondering if you'll ever meet "the one" and I can't answer that for everyone because everyone has a different path, plan, and purpose. What I can say is that even though at one point you may have doubted, or you still doubt, the possibility of love it is possible to believe again.
To my married ladies, when did you know that he was the one? Let our single sisters know there's hope below!
Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
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As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
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Honestly, I don’t know if it will surprise y’all or not to know that a few years back, Vice published an article entitled, “Women Get Bored in Bed Faster Than Men.” When it comes to the clients I work with, what I will say is men tend to underestimate how creative women can be while women seem to overlook that men fake orgasms just about as much as they do. My grand takeaway from all of this? Folks need to be intentional when it comes to keeping the spice alive in their sex life; especially if they’re in a long-term relationship.
That’s why, when one couple came to me and asked what was something that they could do to light the fire (pun intended) in their own bedroom, the first thing that I asked was if they had ever tried wax play before. You should’ve seen the expression on their faces. LOL.
When it comes to things like that, I think that it’s still taboo for some, simply because they’ve only seen it on a movie screen or heard about it in true extreme sexual contexts — and so, they don’t think that it’s something that is “for them” when, the reality is, with the right tips in tow, wax play can be for pretty much anyone…and everyone.
So today, let’s add something new to some of y’all’s boudoir list of activities. Here are 10 things that will, hopefully, help you to see the flames of wax play (I’ve got puns all over the place today) in a whole new light.
1. Anticipation Does Wonders for Sexual Arousal
GiphyI once read an article by a mental health expert who said that anticipation is probably the greatest aphrodisiac of all. It builds excitement. It fuels curiosity. At the end of the day, it’s like a mental form of edging because you’re getting close to something that you look forward to — although you’re not quite there yet. Listen, he’s not off base because even science says that anticipation can give you a dopamine hit that can ultimately improve your sexual experiences.
Keeping this point in mind, how can watching hot wax drip from a candle and head toward your body not fuel some level of anticipation? Especially if it’s your first few times trying it? A woman by the name of Ana Monnar once said, “Anticipation is sometimes more exciting than actual events.” Just something to consider, when it comes to entertaining bringing wax play into your world, my dear.
2. Wax Play Is Peak-Level Foreplay
GiphyWe all know what foreplay is, right? Just to be sure that we’re all on the same page, a very basic definition is it’s something that typically happens right before sex in order to arouse the people who are about to have it. And since foreplay is pretty much the prelude to copulation, it’s important that “the appetizer” is damn near as good as the “main course.” Wax play can help to ensure that because, aside from what I just said about anticipation, it can also help you and your partner tap into your more sensual and seductive sides. It’s hot. It requires being mindful. And since so much give and take is involved, it requires both people to be very into the moment. Lawd. Wax play is sexy to even just think about!
3. Temperature Pleasure Is Lots of Fun
GiphyOkay, say that you’ve never played with wax (in this way) before. Have you ever incorporated ice cubes? I ain’t gonna let y’all get ALL up in my business, so…let me just say (for now) that some ice during oral sex ain’t neva hurt nobody…quite the contrary! There’s something about the unexpected cool that mixes around with the warmth of a mouth that is truly unmatched. Along these same lines, wax play brings in the heat and, what makes temperature pleasure/play so awesome is, that it uses the sensations of different temperatures to bring out different forms of stimulation.
Another thing that’s worth noting about temperature pleasure is if you’re someone who considers yourself to be on the sexually conservative side yet you do like this type of activity, whether you realize it or not, you’re low-key participating in a form of kink (yep!). This brings me to my next point.
4. Wax Play Is an Introduction to Kink
GiphyIt’s kind of interesting how some people clam up at the thought of a (sexual) kink when the reality is, at the end of the day, it’s about having a certain type of sexual experience (as opposed to a fetish that focuses on objects or body parts; like a foot fetish, for example). So, if it’s that simple, why does it intimidate a lot of folks? Well, kinks tend to delve into people’s fantasies or unconventional ways of thinking (like BDSM or voyeurism).
At the same time, the cool thing about kinks is you control how deep you want to go. Just know that if you do participate in wax play, there’s no point in turning up your nose to the whole kink thing; wax play technically qualifies.
5. Soy Does One Thing. Paraffin Does Another.
GiphyOkay, so let’s spend a couple of moments talking about the things that you need to get the most out of your wax play experience. First, please don’t be out here imitating movies. While they will have you believing that you should pull a taper candle from your dining room table and go ham with it, it’s best to go with massage candles; they are specifically designed for wax play and body massages (The Knot has a recommendation list here and Women’s Health has a list of their own here).
When it comes to candles, in general, I’m always a fan of soy because they burn cleaner and last longer. However, when it comes to wax play, two other reasons why soy is best is it’s natural and “burns lower;” this simply means that once the wax hits your body, it won’t be as hot as, say, paraffin wax will (because it has a higher burning point).
What all of this means is if you want a more comfortable experience, go with a soy (or even a shea butter or beeswax) candle. If you want to play with the big (wax play) kids, try paraffin.
Oh, and if you’re wondering if you can never use “regular” candles — I mean, it’s your body. All I’m saying is some candles are designed for wax play; birthday candles? They are not. Feel me?
6. Massage Candles Feel Incredible on Your Muscles and Joints
GiphySo, here’s the thing about massage candles: If you’ve ever had a professional massage before, your massage therapist may have used them. And if you’ve gotten a high-end mani/pedi, some paraffin wax may have come into play (no pun intended). That’s because the wax from both types of candles has health benefits that include relaxing muscles, improving joint mobility, and increasing blood flow throughout the body. And when you factor in the fact that the better you physically feel before sex, the better sex will be during it — isn’t that just one more plus for and perk of wax play? I definitely think so.
7. The Aromatherapy Is Incomparable
GiphySomething else that’s awesome about most massage candles is they have a wonderfully alluring scent to them, by design. Yes, that matters too because there is plenty of data out here to support the fact that aromatherapy does everything from reduce stress and relieve bodily discomfort to treat headaches and fight off infections (word on the street is that it may even help with menstrual cramps and menopause).
As far as your sex life goes, aromatherapy is supreme because certain essential oils double up as aphrodisiacs. Lavender, neroli, and rose are proven to improve your sexual function. Geranium reduces anxiety. And listen, if climaxing is your ultimate goal, check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm” and then look for massage oils that smell like, say, vanilla, saffron or jasmine. Bottom line, a good massage candle that smells amazing is going to be worth every cent that you spent to purchase it.
8. You Will Learn Communication (and Dirty Talk) on a Whole ‘Nother Level
GiphyOne of the reasons why I once penned, “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” for the platform is because, if there’s one thing that I think is so awesome about sex, is it finds a way to incorporate all five of your senses (sight, touch, taste, sound and hearing) as well as your top love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and gifts — if you’re open to it).
And when it comes to hearing (and words of affirmation), this is another area where wax play can be a winner because, as you’re learning what works for your partner and they learn what works for you, words have to be exchanged… perhaps even dirty ones.
And why is dirty talk so damn effective? According to scientific research, it has the ability to activate your entire brain (the biggest sex organ that you have) and when this is going on while you’re being physically stimulated — chile, the sky truly is the limit!
9. Wax Play Is Completely Customizable
GiphyYou know back when I was talking about soy candles vs. paraffin ones? Something that I didn’t mention, by design at the time, is that, although I will forever be Team Massage Candles when it comes to this particular topic, there are some known as wax play candles too. What’s the difference? Wax play candles tend to remain pretty hard (after being lit up) while massage candles are designed to melt into a liquid that you can massage on your partner’s body.
Why am I bringing this all up now? Well, it’s to serve as a reminder that wax play can be “dialed up” or “turned down” based on what you want to do. If you just want to put a twist on a massage, you can do that. If you’d like to test your partner’s tolerance level by applying more heat for longer, do that.
Just make sure that you use the kind of wax that doesn’t fully melt on shaved areas of the body (pretty sure why is self-explanatory), that you moisturize your skin beforehand (it’s easier to remove the wax…or whatever is leftover) that way and that you pour around 15-20 inches away from your partner’s body; that gives it time to cool somewhat on the way down. Oh, and if you don’t want to jack up your sheets, you might want to lay down a protective drop cloth (like this one here).
10. It Sure As Hell Ain’t Boring
Season 1 Friends GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyLast point — and it brings all of this full circle. Now that you’ve read all of the ways that wax play can benefit your sex life, how in the world could you associate it with “boring” on any level? Anything that can get you hype, cultivate eagerness, and enhance what you’ve already got going on…that is worth putting on your sex bucket list and trying at least one time, wouldn’t you say? And why can’t that time be…TONIGHT? Shoot your man a pick of a massage candle with a heart and watch him beat you home.
Then report back (with edits…LOL).
Something tells me that you’ll become a wax play fan — SOON.
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