How I Built My Confidence In Being A Mom
I lost my s**t today in the car this morning on my three-year-old.
She had been whining since she woke up at 7:30 in the morning. In the few high-pitched squeals that were able to escape her trying to catch her breath through tears, she managed to complain about everything from the leggings I picked out for her, to the fact that "Bingo" her talking dog didn't fit in the cup holder. There I was sitting in school traffic, trying to ignore her through the sounds of Tory Lanez and chalk up her sobs to the unbalanced emotion that come with an unstable sleep schedule.
The final straw? She began to whine about being cold after refusing my sweater two seconds before.
In frustration, I tossed my sweater blindly into the backseat, not caring where it landed. And as I looked at her reaction in my rearview, I saw her huge eyes peering at me from behind a grey sleeve that draped her head while I screamed, "What in the absolute f**k is the problem?!" By the time we got to her grandparents' house, we both had calmed down. She played with Bingo while informing me she was "all better now."
I sat with her for a few minutes on my lap apologizing and explaining why it's important to "use our words" instead of whining. I gave her a kiss but still felt like a crappy parent while commuting to work. The funniest part? Halfway through the day, I forgot about all of it and found myself missing her while scrolling through pictures on my phone.
It's in these moments I think of all the naive advice a child-free me once gave to parents I judged for screaming at their kids on a city bus when they were just clawing at the windows and laughing hysterically...as kids do. In fact, now I laugh at parents who still hide behind perfectly put-together sleep schedules and send their sophisticated four-year-olds to kindergarten who are all too happy to have hummus and pita bread for lunch.
And of course, anytime you need some humbling or a regular reminder that you're completely failing at parenting and life in general, remember social media is just a log-in away.
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A few weeks ago, as I perused through "First Day of School" photos of my friends' kids on Facebook, I began to question my whole approach to when and where I'd be sending my three-year-old next year and why I haven't already enrolled her with all of the other little people having their first classroom experience this year. I began to beat myself up about the fact that my toddler would have a future of being left behind and socially inept until my support system of family and friends reminded me that I know what's best for my child and to not make decisions for her based on what I witness on my timeline.
All children are different; what works for someone else's may not work for mine. A big part of parenting is trusting your gut even when it's in total disagreement with your mama, your auntie, and your bestie who has already been elbows deep in motherhood for seven years. But where does this confidence come from and will there ever come a moment when I finally feel like I know WTF I'm doing?
The good news is yes, there will be moments when you'll find the capacity for self-control and the, "Are you f**king kidding me?" will come out of your mouth as, "The dog doesn't need Vicks Vapo rub all over her fur to feel better, but I appreciate your nurturing spirit, child." You'll nail dinner time, your toddler will actually eat the peas, and even throw in a "Please" and "Thank You" to make you feel like you're officially killing the game.
But more often, there will be tantrums in the backseat, your toddler dropping F-bombs in the middle of Target "just like daddy" and moments when you ignore meltdowns over missing Paw Patrol pajamas and pour yourself another glass of wine.
In those moments, you have to allow yourself to be on a learning curve and accept how imperfect parenting often is.
When I came across the article "Dear Mama: You're Not Doing It Wrong, It's Just *That* Hard", it was a reminder to myself that all of the perfectly packed lunches in "Peppa Pig" lunch bags across Instagram don't necessarily equal examples of parenting perfection. Honestly, most of those pictures were probably sandwiched in between moments like the one I had this morning, or much worse at drop-off time when preschoolers realized they'll be spending the day with Ms. Baxter and her friend's ABC's and 123's and not Mommy and the living room couch.
The article was reassuring that mothering with confidence is sometimes as simple as getting out of bed to make the attempt. You poured the cereal. You turned to Little Einsteins. You folded the laundry. You actually care about why your child is crying. And as the author states, most days aren't easy:
"Sometimes it's all just really hard. Not because you are doing it wrong, simply because it is.
"The fact that you keep going, keep cuddling, keep cleaning, keep planning, and keep loving in spite of how hard it is, is your superpower. You're doing the hardest job on the planet with dedication, grace, and love—and there is nothing wrong in that."
Confidence also comes from not allowing the thief that is comparison to take away from your wins. I will proudly proclaim my daughter is happy with a diet of Goldfish crackers, strawberries, blackberries, hotdogs, and chicken nuggets. Hummus is cool, but is your child really living their best life without trying crunchy peanut butter at least once? It's not that other mothers aren't killing the game every day, but you have to remind yourself that social media at best is a glorified highlight reel and there are more mothers posting coordinated outfits with their littles and potty training success stories than ones giving followers a behind-the-scenes look at the laundry that's been in the washer for a week.
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Lastly, it's about recognizing that although regularly beating yourself up seems to go hand in hand with motherhood, it doesn't have to. Everything that goes wrong in the world or ends with your child having a crisis in the back of your car or on a therapist's couch in adulthood isn't because of your influence (even if Iyanla Vanzant says differently).
You got this, mama. Even if it takes turning up some "Skrt Skrt" and dropping the occasional F-bomb to make it through the morning in one piece.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting opinion piece or a personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
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Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Honestly, I don’t know if it will surprise y’all or not to know that a few years back, Vice published an article entitled, “Women Get Bored in Bed Faster Than Men.” When it comes to the clients I work with, what I will say is men tend to underestimate how creative women can be while women seem to overlook that men fake orgasms just about as much as they do. My grand takeaway from all of this? Folks need to be intentional when it comes to keeping the spice alive in their sex life; especially if they’re in a long-term relationship.
That’s why, when one couple came to me and asked what was something that they could do to light the fire (pun intended) in their own bedroom, the first thing that I asked was if they had ever tried wax play before. You should’ve seen the expression on their faces. LOL.
When it comes to things like that, I think that it’s still taboo for some, simply because they’ve only seen it on a movie screen or heard about it in true extreme sexual contexts — and so, they don’t think that it’s something that is “for them” when, the reality is, with the right tips in tow, wax play can be for pretty much anyone…and everyone.
So today, let’s add something new to some of y’all’s boudoir list of activities. Here are 10 things that will, hopefully, help you to see the flames of wax play (I’ve got puns all over the place today) in a whole new light.
1. Anticipation Does Wonders for Sexual Arousal
GiphyI once read an article by a mental health expert who said that anticipation is probably the greatest aphrodisiac of all. It builds excitement. It fuels curiosity. At the end of the day, it’s like a mental form of edging because you’re getting close to something that you look forward to — although you’re not quite there yet. Listen, he’s not off base because even science says that anticipation can give you a dopamine hit that can ultimately improve your sexual experiences.
Keeping this point in mind, how can watching hot wax drip from a candle and head toward your body not fuel some level of anticipation? Especially if it’s your first few times trying it? A woman by the name of Ana Monnar once said, “Anticipation is sometimes more exciting than actual events.” Just something to consider, when it comes to entertaining bringing wax play into your world, my dear.
2. Wax Play Is Peak-Level Foreplay
GiphyWe all know what foreplay is, right? Just to be sure that we’re all on the same page, a very basic definition is it’s something that typically happens right before sex in order to arouse the people who are about to have it. And since foreplay is pretty much the prelude to copulation, it’s important that “the appetizer” is damn near as good as the “main course.” Wax play can help to ensure that because, aside from what I just said about anticipation, it can also help you and your partner tap into your more sensual and seductive sides. It’s hot. It requires being mindful. And since so much give and take is involved, it requires both people to be very into the moment. Lawd. Wax play is sexy to even just think about!
3. Temperature Pleasure Is Lots of Fun
GiphyOkay, say that you’ve never played with wax (in this way) before. Have you ever incorporated ice cubes? I ain’t gonna let y’all get ALL up in my business, so…let me just say (for now) that some ice during oral sex ain’t neva hurt nobody…quite the contrary! There’s something about the unexpected cool that mixes around with the warmth of a mouth that is truly unmatched. Along these same lines, wax play brings in the heat and, what makes temperature pleasure/play so awesome is, that it uses the sensations of different temperatures to bring out different forms of stimulation.
Another thing that’s worth noting about temperature pleasure is if you’re someone who considers yourself to be on the sexually conservative side yet you do like this type of activity, whether you realize it or not, you’re low-key participating in a form of kink (yep!). This brings me to my next point.
4. Wax Play Is an Introduction to Kink
GiphyIt’s kind of interesting how some people clam up at the thought of a (sexual) kink when the reality is, at the end of the day, it’s about having a certain type of sexual experience (as opposed to a fetish that focuses on objects or body parts; like a foot fetish, for example). So, if it’s that simple, why does it intimidate a lot of folks? Well, kinks tend to delve into people’s fantasies or unconventional ways of thinking (like BDSM or voyeurism).
At the same time, the cool thing about kinks is you control how deep you want to go. Just know that if you do participate in wax play, there’s no point in turning up your nose to the whole kink thing; wax play technically qualifies.
5. Soy Does One Thing. Paraffin Does Another.
GiphyOkay, so let’s spend a couple of moments talking about the things that you need to get the most out of your wax play experience. First, please don’t be out here imitating movies. While they will have you believing that you should pull a taper candle from your dining room table and go ham with it, it’s best to go with massage candles; they are specifically designed for wax play and body massages (The Knot has a recommendation list here and Women’s Health has a list of their own here).
When it comes to candles, in general, I’m always a fan of soy because they burn cleaner and last longer. However, when it comes to wax play, two other reasons why soy is best is it’s natural and “burns lower;” this simply means that once the wax hits your body, it won’t be as hot as, say, paraffin wax will (because it has a higher burning point).
What all of this means is if you want a more comfortable experience, go with a soy (or even a shea butter or beeswax) candle. If you want to play with the big (wax play) kids, try paraffin.
Oh, and if you’re wondering if you can never use “regular” candles — I mean, it’s your body. All I’m saying is some candles are designed for wax play; birthday candles? They are not. Feel me?
6. Massage Candles Feel Incredible on Your Muscles and Joints
GiphySo, here’s the thing about massage candles: If you’ve ever had a professional massage before, your massage therapist may have used them. And if you’ve gotten a high-end mani/pedi, some paraffin wax may have come into play (no pun intended). That’s because the wax from both types of candles has health benefits that include relaxing muscles, improving joint mobility, and increasing blood flow throughout the body. And when you factor in the fact that the better you physically feel before sex, the better sex will be during it — isn’t that just one more plus for and perk of wax play? I definitely think so.
7. The Aromatherapy Is Incomparable
GiphySomething else that’s awesome about most massage candles is they have a wonderfully alluring scent to them, by design. Yes, that matters too because there is plenty of data out here to support the fact that aromatherapy does everything from reduce stress and relieve bodily discomfort to treat headaches and fight off infections (word on the street is that it may even help with menstrual cramps and menopause).
As far as your sex life goes, aromatherapy is supreme because certain essential oils double up as aphrodisiacs. Lavender, neroli, and rose are proven to improve your sexual function. Geranium reduces anxiety. And listen, if climaxing is your ultimate goal, check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm” and then look for massage oils that smell like, say, vanilla, saffron or jasmine. Bottom line, a good massage candle that smells amazing is going to be worth every cent that you spent to purchase it.
8. You Will Learn Communication (and Dirty Talk) on a Whole ‘Nother Level
GiphyOne of the reasons why I once penned, “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” for the platform is because, if there’s one thing that I think is so awesome about sex, is it finds a way to incorporate all five of your senses (sight, touch, taste, sound and hearing) as well as your top love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and gifts — if you’re open to it).
And when it comes to hearing (and words of affirmation), this is another area where wax play can be a winner because, as you’re learning what works for your partner and they learn what works for you, words have to be exchanged… perhaps even dirty ones.
And why is dirty talk so damn effective? According to scientific research, it has the ability to activate your entire brain (the biggest sex organ that you have) and when this is going on while you’re being physically stimulated — chile, the sky truly is the limit!
9. Wax Play Is Completely Customizable
GiphyYou know back when I was talking about soy candles vs. paraffin ones? Something that I didn’t mention, by design at the time, is that, although I will forever be Team Massage Candles when it comes to this particular topic, there are some known as wax play candles too. What’s the difference? Wax play candles tend to remain pretty hard (after being lit up) while massage candles are designed to melt into a liquid that you can massage on your partner’s body.
Why am I bringing this all up now? Well, it’s to serve as a reminder that wax play can be “dialed up” or “turned down” based on what you want to do. If you just want to put a twist on a massage, you can do that. If you’d like to test your partner’s tolerance level by applying more heat for longer, do that.
Just make sure that you use the kind of wax that doesn’t fully melt on shaved areas of the body (pretty sure why is self-explanatory), that you moisturize your skin beforehand (it’s easier to remove the wax…or whatever is leftover) that way and that you pour around 15-20 inches away from your partner’s body; that gives it time to cool somewhat on the way down. Oh, and if you don’t want to jack up your sheets, you might want to lay down a protective drop cloth (like this one here).
10. It Sure As Hell Ain’t Boring
Season 1 Friends GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyLast point — and it brings all of this full circle. Now that you’ve read all of the ways that wax play can benefit your sex life, how in the world could you associate it with “boring” on any level? Anything that can get you hype, cultivate eagerness, and enhance what you’ve already got going on…that is worth putting on your sex bucket list and trying at least one time, wouldn’t you say? And why can’t that time be…TONIGHT? Shoot your man a pick of a massage candle with a heart and watch him beat you home.
Then report back (with edits…LOL).
Something tells me that you’ll become a wax play fan — SOON.
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