In the words of the Wise Solange:
'"I slept it away, I sexed it away...Well it's like cranes in the sky. Sometimes I don't wanna feel those metal clouds."
A dick appointment with that special someone in your life could have you up early cooking, cleaning, singing, and off to a good start to your day. Sex is a great way to relieve stress, as it helps your body to release endorphins that elevate your mood (similar to exercise). If you're boo-ed up with your romantic partner, sex is an activity that can bring you closer together and feel more loved, especially if one of your favorite of the five love languages is physical touch. However, what is not often discussed amongst lovers is the dangers of having sex when you are uncentered within yourself.
As with anything great in life, the intentionality behind your actions is very important. It is very easy to fall into the trap of using sex as a coping mechanism when you are feeling isolated, lonely, anxious, or even just bored. This is not limited to single people; we sometimes get caught in the pattern of using our significant others for a release too. Perhaps after an intense argument or discussion you decided to break the tension by having a passionate session. For you single ladies, perhaps after a stressful week at work you decided to text Zaddy Long D, your ex flame that you know is up to no good but can wear you out like no other and keep you company. There is no shame in enjoying sex and letting the act relieve your stress.
My question to you is: When you have gotten your sexual fix and you check in with yourself, has any of the issues or anxieties you were experiencing before disappear, or have you numbed it?
After the make-up sex you had with your boo, were any of the issues you were experiencing truly resolved? Or were they put onto the back-burner until the issues simmer to the surface again?
After Zaddy Long D gave you that sweet loving and disappeared into his abyss of inconsistency and vagueness, do you feel less alone and more loved?
If the answer is no, then it is time to really look at yourself, your emotional needs and well-being, and realize that though it may have never been your intention to do so, you might be using sex as a way to run away from some harsh truths in your life. This is not to assume that one must have a profound reason to engage in sexual acts, but to ensure that you are not doing so for reasons that may be self-destructive. The great thing is you are a very powerful woman, and once you are aware of the mistakes that you may be making, you can also make the necessary changes, too:
Figure out your narrative around your sexuality.
Many of us have some negative deep rooted beliefs around our sexuality that stem back to our much younger selves. We have some unmet needs and have learned to adapt some dysfunctional sexual behaviors in an attempt to meet them. Perhaps you feel like you are not good enough so to compensate for your lack of perceived value, you make yourself sexually available to your partner even when you are not particularly in the mood. Maybe when you were younger, you did not receive the love and admiration that you desired, so sex is a way to be seen, heard, admired, and to feel wanted for the night. Whatever your narrative is, get it out, make peace with it, and identify the parts that are not serving you and that are chasing true intimacy away. This is a great exercise to complete with your therapist as they can help unpack possible trauma in a safer way than doing it by yourself.
Question your intentions behind your sexual encounters.
Sex is an act that can move notoriously fast, especially with the help of hormones, alcohol, attraction, and emotions. One minute you are watching Netflix and chilling, and the next minute the television is watching you put your leg behind your ears and the rest is history. The rush and the spontaneity of sex is one of the best parts of the act, but it is really important to make the distinction between if you having it in order to explore another person or to escape your own issues.
Not being clear on your own intentions before becoming sexually intimate with someone can open you to the feeling of being used.
For example, you can be getting intimate with the intent of ridding yourself of loneliness, and then be devastated when your partner is not the type to stay around for too long. You could be thinking you put it on your boo in the form of makeup sex, but he can still walk away angry at your unresolved issues. There is no right or wrong intention when it comes to how you choose to use your body, but just make sure it serves you in a healthy way.
Learn different methods of achieving true intimacy in your life.
As a significant other, you could be completely surprised that while you were researching how to give fellatio using grapefruit, your man is dying for you to ask him about one of his passions and to cheer him on. You may feel like inviting Zaddy Long D over will help cure your loneliness, but what will give you a more fulfilling feeling is inviting your girls over for some margaritas and movies.
The five love languages are not only for romantic partners, but can be used to get close to all of your loved ones and yourself. The great thing is once you work on building true intimacy with your lovers, or even your potential suitors, you will have more sensual and explosive sex in the long run. A good place to start is identifying actions that make you feel loved, safe, and seen. Next, start paying attention to what make your loved ones feel that same way. How often do we ask how can I love you today? How often do we ask this of ourselves or to others?
As we are stepping into living intentionally, let's take a moment to make sure we are loving ourselves and and others intentionally too!
Related Stories:
I Chose Abstinence When I No Longer Felt Fulfilled By Casual Sex - Read More
I Discovered My Husband's Love Language ...And It Changed Everything- Read More
After The Break Up: How To Avoid The Hoe Phase - Read More
Four Ways To Build Intimacy Minus Sex -Read More
Featured image by Shutterstock
- Fear Of Intimacy? Loving Sex But Hating Physical Intimacy - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Thank U, Next: Men Who Deliver ‘Broke D*ck’ Are Broken - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Healthy Coping Mechanisms Manage Stress - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
RELATED
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images
