Why We Sometimes Choose The Wrong Partner
All right ladies, let's make a pact right now that before we go any further into this new year, we're going to be explicitly honest with ourselves in every area of our lives.
That means, physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. While we're being honest, let's get super intentional about pinpointing, accepting, and actively dealing with the root of our own issues. Not just the symptoms. One of the areas where we could all probably afford to take another look at is our relationships. In the modern age of hookups and situationships, I'll be the first to admit that I've been somewhat unlucky in love. It seems as if I'm always running into men who either: Say they see me as their girlfriend but then don't put forth any action behind it or approach me only wanting one thing (and you can take a guess at what that is).
The latter of which I'm not necessarily mad at because I'd rather know upfront what they're after and reject their advances than to be emotionally manipulated only to be hoodwinked down the line.
What this has taught me is that sometimes the light we innately carry attracts drainers as well as sustainers.
But whether or not we entertain them, meaning enter into a relationship, is totally up to us. To put it plainly, it's one thing to ATTRACT wrong whether knowingly or unknowingly, but it's another to actually CHOOSE IT. It's one thing to respond back to that DM from the guy you know is no good. But it's another to know he's no good, dive headfirst into a relationship, and act surprised when he does you like the last girl.
It's time out for finding out that your man is your man and hers too. It's time out for consistently being with someone who always withdraws but never deposits. And it's more than time out for unrequited effort, love, and consistency in 2019 as a result of picking the wrong partner. So, to help you break the cycle, check out these underlying sources that may be at the root of your problems.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You Have Fixer/Savior Syndrome
One reason why you may find yourself consistently meeting a less than stellar match, is because you lowkey thrive on having a partner you can either save from themselves or one that you view as a project. Being the person that your partner "changed for" speaks to the unspoken longing to feel needed and validated in love. When this particular partner exhibits unsavory behaviors, all of sudden you either take up your cross or become Iyanla 2.0. But what happens when and if your partner doesn't feel the need to change or just downright refuses?
The long-term complications can result in low self-esteem and resentment because you ascribed your value to who you could fix. I'm not saying that you shouldn't ever improve on yourself for the benefit of the relationship, but what I am saying is that you can't change someone who doesn't see a problem in what they're doing. Save yourself the time and energy, sis. It's not your job to "fix" a man, that's what therapy, prayer, and alkaline water is for. It's also not your job to save him from his own worst behaviors. Jesus did that over 2,000 years ago and for you non-religious folks, heed the warning of J. Cole: Don't save him. He don't want to be saved, love.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You Take Potential at Face Value
Another reason that may stand in the way of finding your forever partner is the fact that you're constantly persuaded by potential. I feel like I could write a whole book on this alone. The fact of the matter is, we ALL were born with potential. Like seriously. No man (or woman, for that matter) should get props or special access to you just because they have the potential to be somebody or do something great. That ability is built in us all and has been since the day we took our first breath.
The thing that matters most though, is what we do with it. And the same goes for your significant other. Are they harnessing that potential into something tangible or is every big idea just an idea with no follow-through? Don't excuse his behavior or lack thereof because of who he might be. We all have potential, you ain't special, boo.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You’re Lonely
Hey, I get it. Cuffing season is a big deal for many of us and there's nothing like being cozied up with that special someone. The feeling of knowing you have somebody who makes your hotline bling can be very addicting. And if you've been experiencing a drought in your dating life, loneliness can drive you to choosing and getting with someone you otherwise would not.
Never forget that while you may be alone, you have a choice on whether or not to feel lonely. Call up your friends to see if you can hang out or go out for and if they're boo'd up, get out that planner and vision board. Start manifesting some stuff. Your life and love life can change in an instant, but you can't attract #BetterBae if you're caught up being #LonelyBae. I know it might be tough right now, but remember seasons always change.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You’re a People-Pleaser
Let's do a quick poll: If you've ever gotten with somebody based off the suggestion of your friends, put one finger in the air. If that endeavor turned out badly yet they insisted you give it another shot and you did, add another finger. If you've dated someone just because they looked good on paper, add one more. If you've ever gotten with someone based off the suggestion of your parents, let another finger rise. If you've ever gotten with someone for the sake of looking good on the 'Gram, raise yet another. Now if you're holding a high-five, I have five words for you: DON'T. EVER. DO. THAT. AGAIN.
It's time to dead the practice of getting with somebody in order to appease other people's thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. People are going to talk, whether you're doing good or bad. Whether you're in a happy relationship or not. Whether you're dating someone who actually complements you or not. People are fickle, that's just how we're made. In 2019, we've got to stop living for people who aren't even checking for us. And that's that on that.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You Don’t Trust Your Intuition
The older I get, the more I realize the importance of listening to that small voice on the inside. You know, the voice that's often the voice of reason and sometimes reckoning. When it comes to figuring out why you keep choosing lousy lovers, it may be as simple as ignorance of your intuition. Defined by Webster as an "immediate apprehension or cognition without reasoning or inferring," doubting this sense can lead to detrimental effects.
You know when you should take a step back to look at things for what they really are. You know that if your partner's words and actions don't line up, something in the milk isn't clean. You know when something feels a lot more like hurt and less like love. But you should also know that when you've been doing the inner work towards leveling up, your spirit will never steer you wrong. You've just gotta have the faith, confidence, and the audacity to fully walk in it. Trust yo' self, sis.
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Writer. Empath. Escapist. Young, gifted, and Black. Shanelle Genai is a proud Southern girl in a serious relationship with celebrity interviews, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and long walks down Sephora aisles. Keep up with her on IG @shanellegenai.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
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If you’re like many other people who are prioritizing wellness these days, then attending a wellness retreat might be something to consider. Wellness retreats are a cool way to get the relaxation you’ve been missing in a space with like-minded people who share a common goal. I descended upon my first wellness retreat, the Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat, a couple of weeks ago at the Zoëtry Agua Punta Cana Resort in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.
Zoëtry Agua is part of the Inclusive Collection for the World of Hyatt. It is nestled on a secluded part of Uvero Alto beach, which has crystal blue waters. The resort itself is picturesque, with its thatched roofs and lazy rivers that make you feel like you’re in a cute little village.
Mindy, Body, + Sol Retreat was hosted by Koya Webb, holistic health and wellness coach and yoga instructor, and it also featured other wellness practitioners who combined provided the ultimate gift of relaxation and getting back to oneself.
The first night was a Welcome Dinner that featured a five-course meal and an opportunity to meet our companions for the next three days. The food was impeccable and the only downside was that I wasn’t able to finish it all. The next day, however, was the official start of the classes, and I was ready to dive in.
Aura and Chakra Reading
Aura and chakra reading
Photo courtesy
My first class was an aura and chakra reading led by Laura McCann and James Levinson, an Asheville, NC couple. I’ve had chakra readings before, but never like this. There was a computer, a camera, and a scanner, which I placed my hand on for the reading. After two minutes, I received a 15-page report explaining my aura and chakra reading.
It breaks down what the colors of your aura are and what your chakras say. My main colors were green and yellow, which were defined by a variety of things. The top of my aura was green, meaning I have a social mental state and I’m a natural healer. My aura on my left side was yellow meaning my energy flowing is optimistic and light and so on.
After James discussed the findings with me, I then met with Laura, who gave me aromatherapy oils from their ADORAtherapy line that represented each chakra. She further explained the results of my chakra reading and shared how each oil can assist. Chakras are the energy centers in our body, and there is a total of seven: root, sacral, solar plexus, heart, throat, third eye, and crown. All of my chakras were high except for my heart chakra, which I have since been working on. I may follow up about that in another article.
Sound Bath
Sound bath class
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Next was the sound bath class. It was located in the spa, which was indoor/ outdoor and the perfect setting for this kind of experience. Andrew Francis and Carrie Bailey of Zenden Meditation were the co-pilots in transporting attendees into a place of tranquility. I laid down, closed my eyes, and allowed the sounds around me to bring me into a relaxing state. From the singing bowls to the wind chimes, I was in heaven. I even fell asleep and got some of the best rest I’ve had in a while. It was a beautiful experience. However, remember when I noted it was an indoor/ outdoor venue? I forgot to put on bug spray and woke up pretty itchy. But it didn’t stop me from enjoying the moment.
Tea Party
Art of Tea Ritual Tea Party
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The last event of the day was the Art of Tea Ritual located in the resort’s tea garden. It was everything you could want in a tea party. Delectable treats such as cookies, cakes, and white chocolate-covered strawberries, which are my fave. And, of course, tea. While I got to sip tea, I also got to make my own tea blend. There were many different teas to choose from, like hibiscus to your regular black tea. I decided to mix rose and mint and I called it RoseMint. I didn’t get to try my tea blend until I got home, and I’ll be honest, it’s probably the best tea I ever had. The tea herbs taste so fresh, and I love how fragrant it smells.
Breathwork
Breathwork Class
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The next morning was all about breathwork. If you exercise regularly, then you probably know the importance of breathing. But there’s more to it besides remembering to breathe during your workout. Margaret Townsend is a breathwork facilitator who helps people achieve wellness by consciously changing their breathing patterns. In her class, I learned to change my breathing pattern for energy as well as for relaxation. While I know that breathing is a relaxation tool, I was blown away to learn that it can also energize you. Because it was a different breathing pattern, I was also able to stay present and keep a steady pace.
Yoga
Koya Webb's yoga class
Photo courtesy
The final class of the retreat was evening yoga with Koya Webb, who, as I mentioned earlier, was the host. Her class was held beside the beautiful Uvero Alto beach, which made for a stunning backdrop and the perfect way to end the retreat. It was important for me to get back into my body after not doing yoga for a few weeks, so I was really focused on nailing the moves. However, Koya kept the energy light and fun, evening cracking a few jokes throughout, which made it easy for me to relax and enjoy the moment. She ended the class with a dance break and hugs from our classmates.
The Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat reminded me how important it is to take time to love on myself. Each class was an opportunity to be present and get reacquainted with oneself in the most loving way. Being surrounded by individuals who encouraged my journey was what I needed, and I am so honored to have had this experience.
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