We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'
I must admit, even when I was sexually active, I never liked the term "casual sex".
I think a big part of it was because I had a sexual pattern that made it difficult for me to see that what I was doing was being casual. I've never had a one night stand. All of the guys I've had sex with, I've known for at least a year. And because (aside from my first love), I was friends with the fellas and wasn't quick to jump into bed, or wherever we decided to do it, with them, I always dismissed the idea that what we were doing was…casual.
Let me tell you something that hindsight has definitely taught me. Someone can be literally inside of you and have a totally different perspective of what's going on — from how the sex makes them feel to how they feel about you, period.
While I was thinking that, at the very least, I was having sex with men who deeply cared about me as a friend, a lot of them were thinking that since we were "close", they could A) talk me out of wearing a condom and/or B) convince me that I shouldn't expect more than some sex and laughs, and/or C) we could be part-time homie-lover-friends while they focused on finding real potentials for something lasting…elsewhere.
I defined friendship as a sacred trust. They defined it as secretive convenience.
You know what that means, right? Although I might not have been having casual sex with them, they were certainly having it with me. How do I know that for sure? From the very meaning of the word "casual":
Casual: happening by chance; fortuitous; without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing; seeming or tending to be indifferent to what is happening; apathetic; unconcerned
I don't know if it's my age (44) or the amount of time I've been abstinent, but what in the world would make anyone feel good about admitting that they participate in the kind of sex that is careless, apathetic and has no real intention? Even if the only intention is that we're all treated with the care and respect that we so very much deserve?
Just to make sure I wasn't the only one who felt this way, I recently went out into cyberspace to see what others thought about casual sex; otherwise also known as "the hook-up culture". Articles like "Why the Hook Up Culture Is Hurting Girls", "Hookup Culture Is Ruining Everything" (which is written by a guy, by the way), and "How Hook-Up Culture Is Ruining Dating" confirms that I am not the only one who feels the way that I do about casual sex.
But actually, what I want to pose to you is not that we shouldn't settle for casual sex because being seen as casual should be way beneath our standards, values, and even hormonal needs, I want to talk about how casual sex is something that's actually impossible to do. Because our bodies won't let us do it.
There's a scripture in the Bible that says "There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact." (I Corinthians 6:16 — message!) Sex is spiritual as well as physical. OK, now watch how this all plays out.
One day, while doing some research on the hormone oxytocin, I read that science has discovered that whenever we have sex, there is a literal spiritual experience that takes place; that once we climax, we oftentimes feel connected to a higher power of some sort (maybe that's why so many of us say "Oh God!" during sex…something to think about). It's also scientifically-proven that oxytocin causes us to naturally and automatically bond with our sex partners; this is why oxytocin has the nickname "the love hormone".
Hmm…so sex makes you tap into a higher power and bond with your partner. Not emotionally, mind you. I'm talking about what happens to us physically. Our bodies don't know if it's our husband whom we've been with for 10 years or some random we met at a party last night.
Physically, oxytocin is gonna make us connect with the people we're sleeping with regardless.
OK, let's keep going. A few years back, I watched a YouTube video that truly blew my mind! It was about all of the physical/biological things that happen to a woman during sex.
One thing that was shared is when you conceive a child with a man (whether you keep, miscarry or get an abortion), their DNA remains a part of you — brace yourself — for the rest of your entire life.
Another pearl of wisdom is the fact that our bodies are created to only have one set of sperm inside of us at a time. So, if we have a really wild weekend and have sex with more than one person within a 72-hour period (not-so-fun-fact, I've been there — I once had sex with three different guys in the same week), it's not uncommon for us to catch a cold. Why? Because our bodies are created to only have one sperm in us at a time. When our body notices there is more than one kind of sperm inside of us, it will literally abandon our immune system to try and get that "foreign sperm" out. Just wow.
So again, our bodies take sex so seriously that when we make a baby with someone, they are a part of our DNA forever and if we have more than one sperm in us, that can literally make us sick.
My personal takeaway? Even if we've mentally and/or emotionally trained ourselves to treat sex casually, our bodies don't. Our bodies don't respond to sex in a careless way; they see intention every time we participate in the act. That alone should make us, at the very least, rethink using the term "casual sex".
So yeah, whether you decide to wait until marriage or long-term commitment, or you're all good with not being in something so serious before doing-the-do, all I'm asking you to do is not consider the sexual activity you will participate or are participating in as "casual".
For one thing, you are far too precious for that. Secondly, your body doesn't see it that way at all. And since you can't have sex without your body being involved…well.
Feature image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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