Why Real Depictions Of Black Marriage On TV Are So Needed
"There has to be a time when someone gives you grace and there has to be a time when you accept it."
As I watched D. L. Hughley wrap up his thoughts on the latest episode of OWN's Black Love, it was this phrase that resonated me, because this phrase is what makes the person you choose to commit to for the rest of your life different from any other person you choose to have a relationship with.
The latest episode of the series, now in its second season, was titled "Accountability," and featured celebrity couples such as D.L. Hughley and wife LaDonna, rapper Styles P and his wife Adjua, as well as other black couples who shared their experiences with infidelity and rough patches within their marriages.
One husband Todd, who has been married to his wife Alicia for 26 years, accurately predicted that viewers would pass judgment referring to the couple as "Stupid 1 and Stupid 2" after the two shared how they survived his multiple instances of infidelity, one which led to the couple's house being burned down and Todd's mistress being murdered in front of him. The couples' stories are honest and real, and the beautiful thing about hearing them reflect on their marriages is that they tackle issues involving ego, insecurity, and the parts they played in some of the darkest moments of their marriage.
For the most part, the response from social media has been positive, as viewers have applauded the couples' growth and ability to overcome the challenges of infidelity, career setbacks, and children:
Love watching this show. Gives me hope. #BlackLove— MoniqueCrowe (@MoniqueCrowe) 1527634024
But of course there were a fair share of critics who didn't feel like the couples were overcoming their struggles as much as they were settling for unhealthy behaviors:
Starr still mad at her husband she ain't no healed. They should not be on this show this ain't black love this is b… https://t.co/ZlRubMbSdR— How About Know (@How About Know) 1527387638
Now, I get it. Before I became a married woman, I was someone who was very clear about what I would and wouldn't put up with as a wife. As a child, I witnessed uncles who brought a new "woman they were going to marry" to the cookout every year and girlfriends who accepted their emotionally and physically abusive behavior just because they had children together. I looked at my Grandma who, years after her husband's death, still looked at him as a hero despite the fact that he'd disappear for weeks at a time throughout the marriage to spend time with his "secret" family that we all knew about it.
In my head I would proclaim:
"Older generations of women may feel they have to stay committed to bad marriages because they made vows or because their husband is the breadwinner, but life is too short to be unhappy."
But since I've made vows of my own and been in a relationship for 13 years and married for three, I must admit, the decision to walk away from a marriage ain't all that simple. And that's what I love about shows like Black Love and Black-ish: they depart from The Cosby Show narrative that's all Claire Huxtable giving Heathcliff bedroom eyes in silky TLC pajamas at the end of every show. They display that real marriages have hiccups, in fact, real marriages can get a bad case of acid reflux for months at a time, but that doesn't mean that the union is over.
So when I see judgment from folks that aren't married or have never committed to a long-term relationship about how quick they would be to leave in certain situations, I cringe a little. It reminds me of how self-righteous I used to be before I had a child about not having a TV in my child's room, not popping my toddler's hand out of frustration, or not ever allowing my child to sleep in my bed. As a mother of a three-year-old, I can now admit to doing all of the above at least once and it's made me realize that when it comes to parenthood and marriage, so many things are easier said than done.
The fact that I now regularly wake up to toddler feet in my face doesn't make me a bad parent, but it does make me a real parent who realizes I knew nothing about parenthood before I actually became one and was throwing out judgment based on zero experience. So when I see single folks going on and on about how infidelity is a deal breaker and they'd divorce their partner with the quickness, I can't help but wonder what marriage is really about for some people?
Can you develop a fair opinion about what people should do in marriage without actually experiencing one?
Call it a "slump" or the "three-year-itch" but even I can attest to a fact that when you spend so many years of your life with one person, eventually the routine of parenting and career can make you feel more like roommates than a couple. There have been weeks when everything from the sound of my husband chewing, to his beard hair in the bathroom sink made me want pack my bags. I never actually do it and those feelings don't necessarily mean that the marriage is over, but it does mean there's a slump, which all marriages will face at some point.
One of the most important lessons I learned when I first got engaged is that what makes marriage different from other relationships is that you don't always walk away when it gets hard, and that some issues can and should be worked through.
Everyone's deal breakers are different and while one or two instances of infidelity may not break a marriage, repeatedly being cheated on might require some reflection on if your union is nothing more than a title. But arguments will happen, and not just "You forgot to defrost the pork chops" arguments but "F--k you and your mama too" type arguments.
There will be weeks and sometimes months at a time where every attempt to get it right will end in insults and tears. It may even get to a point where you need to be under separate roofs for a while to find your way back home. Black love is a lot like the marriage I saw between my parents who just celebrated their 41st wedding anniversary. There were tough times that resulted in too much drinking that served as a temporary fix where honest communication probably should've been. There was silent treatment and sleeping in different rooms for a few days before apologies and accountability took place.
And what I've realized is that "put up with" and staying committed to your vows are not the same.
Marriage is essentially two imperfect people promising to give and take and survive the ups and downs together. Because the truth is, you will f--k up and irk your partner's soul sometimes and vice versa. And there will be problems that satin pajamas alone won't solve.
On one of the recent episodes of Black-ish there's a moment when Bow sits in bed with Dre and has the unfortunate realization that maybe their marriage is coming to an end and states, "I'm beginning to see that we look at the world differently."
But looking at the world differently is what often brings people together in the first place and brings out the best in one another. However, when those differences start to divide you, grace is what helps to get you through.
Marriage is about growing with your partner and learning different ways to love each other through the changes and challenges.
And if ultimately you find you're unable to do that together, Dre makes a good point about how marriage can help you at least find yourself: "Relationships aren't just what happens when times are good. In some ways, the bad times tell us more about who we are and who we want to be with."
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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If you’re like many other people who are prioritizing wellness these days, then attending a wellness retreat might be something to consider. Wellness retreats are a cool way to get the relaxation you’ve been missing in a space with like-minded people who share a common goal. I descended upon my first wellness retreat, the Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat, a couple of weeks ago at the Zoëtry Agua Punta Cana Resort in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.
Zoëtry Agua is part of the Inclusive Collection for the World of Hyatt. It is nestled on a secluded part of Uvero Alto beach, which has crystal blue waters. The resort itself is picturesque, with its thatched roofs and lazy rivers that make you feel like you’re in a cute little village.
Mindy, Body, + Sol Retreat was hosted by Koya Webb, holistic health and wellness coach and yoga instructor, and it also featured other wellness practitioners who combined provided the ultimate gift of relaxation and getting back to oneself.
The first night was a Welcome Dinner that featured a five-course meal and an opportunity to meet our companions for the next three days. The food was impeccable and the only downside was that I wasn’t able to finish it all. The next day, however, was the official start of the classes, and I was ready to dive in.
Aura and Chakra Reading
Aura and chakra reading
Photo courtesy
My first class was an aura and chakra reading led by Laura McCann and James Levinson, an Asheville, NC couple. I’ve had chakra readings before, but never like this. There was a computer, a camera, and a scanner, which I placed my hand on for the reading. After two minutes, I received a 15-page report explaining my aura and chakra reading.
It breaks down what the colors of your aura are and what your chakras say. My main colors were green and yellow, which were defined by a variety of things. The top of my aura was green, meaning I have a social mental state and I’m a natural healer. My aura on my left side was yellow meaning my energy flowing is optimistic and light and so on.
After James discussed the findings with me, I then met with Laura, who gave me aromatherapy oils from their ADORAtherapy line that represented each chakra. She further explained the results of my chakra reading and shared how each oil can assist. Chakras are the energy centers in our body, and there is a total of seven: root, sacral, solar plexus, heart, throat, third eye, and crown. All of my chakras were high except for my heart chakra, which I have since been working on. I may follow up about that in another article.
Sound Bath
Sound bath class
Photo courtesy
Next was the sound bath class. It was located in the spa, which was indoor/ outdoor and the perfect setting for this kind of experience. Andrew Francis and Carrie Bailey of Zenden Meditation were the co-pilots in transporting attendees into a place of tranquility. I laid down, closed my eyes, and allowed the sounds around me to bring me into a relaxing state. From the singing bowls to the wind chimes, I was in heaven. I even fell asleep and got some of the best rest I’ve had in a while. It was a beautiful experience. However, remember when I noted it was an indoor/ outdoor venue? I forgot to put on bug spray and woke up pretty itchy. But it didn’t stop me from enjoying the moment.
Tea Party
Art of Tea Ritual Tea Party
Photo courtesy
The last event of the day was the Art of Tea Ritual located in the resort’s tea garden. It was everything you could want in a tea party. Delectable treats such as cookies, cakes, and white chocolate-covered strawberries, which are my fave. And, of course, tea. While I got to sip tea, I also got to make my own tea blend. There were many different teas to choose from, like hibiscus to your regular black tea. I decided to mix rose and mint and I called it RoseMint. I didn’t get to try my tea blend until I got home, and I’ll be honest, it’s probably the best tea I ever had. The tea herbs taste so fresh, and I love how fragrant it smells.
Breathwork
Breathwork Class
Photo Courtesy
The next morning was all about breathwork. If you exercise regularly, then you probably know the importance of breathing. But there’s more to it besides remembering to breathe during your workout. Margaret Townsend is a breathwork facilitator who helps people achieve wellness by consciously changing their breathing patterns. In her class, I learned to change my breathing pattern for energy as well as for relaxation. While I know that breathing is a relaxation tool, I was blown away to learn that it can also energize you. Because it was a different breathing pattern, I was also able to stay present and keep a steady pace.
Yoga
Koya Webb's yoga class
Photo courtesy
The final class of the retreat was evening yoga with Koya Webb, who, as I mentioned earlier, was the host. Her class was held beside the beautiful Uvero Alto beach, which made for a stunning backdrop and the perfect way to end the retreat. It was important for me to get back into my body after not doing yoga for a few weeks, so I was really focused on nailing the moves. However, Koya kept the energy light and fun, evening cracking a few jokes throughout, which made it easy for me to relax and enjoy the moment. She ended the class with a dance break and hugs from our classmates.
The Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat reminded me how important it is to take time to love on myself. Each class was an opportunity to be present and get reacquainted with oneself in the most loving way. Being surrounded by individuals who encouraged my journey was what I needed, and I am so honored to have had this experience.
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